5-Second Films

Self Control Room

2013-06-19T11:00:00+00:00

Our Stream-a-thon will be going down here:

http://live.5secondfilms.com/

But not if Tim can’t tamper his urges in the control room. Seriously dude, I know they’re awesome, particularly when you bite the ends off and use it as a soda straw, but get a grip. We got a 4-hour show of live comedy, sketches, Q&As, special guests and live music to get through, and we can’t have DAMMIT TIM STOP EATING THOSE THEY’RE A PRECIOUS RESOURCE

Wishful Thinking

2013-06-18T07:00:00+00:00

Just because people look like genies, doesn’t give you the right to take a crap wherever you like. I made that mistake when I ran into George Clooney while he was vacationing at his Italian villa, sporting a mighty salt-and-pepper beard. I was promptly cast in “Syriana” as “Guy Who Shits Magnificently #3” but I couldn’t bring the thunder on the day because I’m not a trained shitter or anything, so I was eventually cut from the film. But I respect George for seeing something in me that I didn’t see myself.

Huge Overreaction From Dave on This One

2013-06-17T07:00:00+00:00

Seriously Dave, it’s not that big a deal.

Art

2013-06-14T07:31:00+00:00

Great art should challenge our perception of the world and of ourselves - even, yes, challenge our perception of what art can be. It is the essence of the human spirit, a emotional snapshot in time that a camera could not possibly replicate. It’s what separates us from savages, keeps us questioning the order of things all the way up to our place in the universe. It is also a dick-knob in a purple shirt.

Superman’s Secret Identity Issues

2013-06-14T00:54:00+00:00

Whatever happen to the good old days of wearing tights, helping people and leaving it at that?

Purge: Year One

2013-06-14T00:51:00+00:00

Three roommates discuss their first “Purge”....

Days of Arrested Development Passed

2013-06-14T00:47:00+00:00

Can’t decide whether or not to watch the new Arrested Development episodes? Hark this tale of warning…

The Fall

2013-06-13T07:05:00+00:00

It was just his luck: The Stair-Gun Killer, a notorious mass murderer whose crimes involved taping guns to stairs and hooking up tripwires to the triggers, had begun a new cycle of deaths in the tri-county area. But there was the tricky question of the motive: Why would SGK want to kill a simple cat burglar, when most of his victims were small dogs and the ankles of children? The numbers did not add up. Later that day, after saying all of this to himself in the car, Detective McClanahan shaved his dick hair, changed his name and skipped town.

My Ninja Friend

2013-06-12T07:01:00+00:00

A similar version of this went down last week, when the ninja needed a new kidney and his friend just would not give his up even though they were an ideal match. The resulting screams were very unbecoming of a ninja’s handiwork, but it didn’t matter since the Ninja Society had already disowned him for stealing Master’s Ducati in the black of night.

Cultural Insensitivity

2013-06-11T07:00:00+00:00

Tiny, tiny, tiny El Salvadorians wear festive sombreros, all right? Read up on their culture before you make generalizations. Also, if this seems like a bigger deal to the community than one of their own getting eaten by a dog, that’s because it is. Dogs are temporary. Ignorance is forever.