A good P.W. never oversteps his boundaries and takes away the girl you’re going after. Trust me though, he could easily, easily do it. Yes, even with a monocle.

I guess you could say he was suffering from blue…[animorphs into a volleyball]…balls.

It’s a trick that works surprisingly often. But getting the melons past grocery store security is often the hardest part, particularly if you have birthing hips and a desperate look in your eyes.

Life is but a quarter, plunked into the coin slot of fate. We know not how far we’ll fly when our judgment day comes, nor if our aim shall be true. But either way, we’ll know the ticket payout is a ripoff compared to the Whack-a-Mole machine in the other corner of the universe.

Twelve people camped outside the White House, protesting the arrest. But they were all ugly losers, so the local authorities had no trouble hosing them out.

Contestants leave with lovely parting gifts, including a year’s supply of Strawberry Quik, a trip to Space Camp, and a pair of L.A. Lights. All for your fucking money-suck of a kid, of course.

Unsure of how else to tell him he had a cheating girlfriend, his close friends bought him a pair of inflatable water wings so he’d stay above water long enough to hear of the infidelities himself. Sadly, his powerful legs still found a way to dive to the floor, where he could retrieve sunken pool [...]

This was filmed on a budget of $130.53, but the opening internet grosses are our highest-ever. So we should make our money back in 5 years.

The ultrasounds from a few months ago detected empty bottles of Bushmill’s, a sombrero and a full beard. It looked like Lamaze class wasn’t going to be un paseo por el parque after all.

Far juicier than normal, boring 2D Food!

If you can’t even be your own wingman through a ripped interdimensional portal, you and your penis should probably just take some time off to think about life.

On the plus side, that was her last free session before she’d have to start paying regular visitation fees, so this kinda all worked out in the finish. “Finish” being the entire world.

Sometimes they sprinkle a little too much desperation on it, but it’s hard to look them in the eyes and make them take it back to the kitchen. Still, there’s a diner on Melrose that does it just right, with a delicious side of Actual Talent That You Should Totally Pursue Instead, It’ll Make You [...]

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the name Shazaam? You’re thinking about the Shaq movie “Kazaam” aren’t you? Turn around. Boom. There’s the VHS for it, right behind you. Two wishes left, by the way.

New Mission Force is located right across the street from Impossible Mission Force, in a bald-faced attempt to steal some of their business. Alas, not even hiring a teenager to flip a big arrow sign seems to make a dent in their competition.

This is what happens when the architect accidentally shifts his blueprints 15 degrees clockwise during construction.

The Apollo program was soon suspended, despite Ted’s Puckish insistence that the review board’s “mommas” were suspended instead. At a loss for a comeback, the chairman just put Ted in a headlock and gave him a noogie until he agreed not to be a dumbass anymore.

So not too long ago, a 5sf fan named Vivek e-mailed us (really) to see if there was some way we could help him ask a girl named Noey to prom. Vivek, we hope this helps. Also, any resemblance to Noey’s actual dad is purely coincidental.

Before you pro-legalization guys scream “false equivalency,” seriously just give heroin a shot. We recommend pilfering it from the bottom of an unconscious hooker’s boot somewhere in the depths of K-Town.

Clearly, somebody read “The Game” and thought the tips were applying to girls so vapid and dull that they were literally mannequin heads. Or at least, that’s the only explanation I could understand.

He could also show you how to surf on the back of a sea otter. But you’re not ready for that useless information yet, you stupid youngling.

They shared a passion for doing the same thing they always do, six times a day at minimum, no matter what obstacle stands in their way. A sweet, sacred passion.

His constant insistence that it would be “really hot if she grew a goatee” became something of a roadblock in their relationship. When she walked in to find the red wig on a cardboard cutout head of the dude from Sugar Ray, she knew it was all over.

It was a rough day for me when I buried that time capsule. My bike got crushed by a truck, my dog bit my hand, and my psychic parents told me I’d have no job prospects for years and years thanks to the economy.

Have you been in an accident? Can you still dial a phone? No? Do you have a friend who can pull out your wallet? Do you have anything other than American Express? Can you maybe give Dimo a ride to the ATM on Vermont St.?

It’s really a common mistake, especially since Tic Tacs started coming out with an “Acid” flavor, in a label-free plastic container that you can only get in the backrooms of seedy drugstores.

Now they’ll have to call the cleaning people back again. They charge an extra $25 if you were chugging IPA, too.

Nothing keeps a silly-voiced kid from getting picked on quite like saying “My silly-voiced dad beat up Hitler with a jetpack, so he can beat you up too.”

Bummer Week concludes with Part 5. Thank you for waiting patiently for it to be over.

It was stitched together by a factory of monkeys, all of whom had cursed paws. It’s just cheaper to buy labor that way, even if the product turns out shoddy and frightening.

Part 4 of Bummer Week.

He’s very thorough. However, Blue Shield just dropped the university hospital that he picks up co-eds at, so you might want to reconsider penciling in a general with him.

This 5sf is Part 3 of Bummer Week.

Before you die, you see the Useless Fact Cowboy. And then you learn about penicillin or something.

Part 2 of Bummer Week continues.

Just wait ’til the second solo kicks in. It practically requires that you grunt and bite your lip.

Part 1 of Bummer Week begins here. Every day this week, you’ll get two 5-second films: A regular funny one at midnight or so, and a bummer 5sf at 1 PM. Enjoy.

He hid in waiting, behind cover, only to pop out and surprise Michael at the last second. Just like he did with the oncoming meat thresher 5 long, sad months ago.

Falling out of a time portal can do weird things to your hand-eye coordination. Or at least that’s the excuse she gave.

In his final days, Joe did in fact send for help by attaching several strands of hair to a circling vulture that got too close. Undeterred, the vulture simply bathed in the ocean to get the hair off, when an orca emerged from beneath it and swallowed it whole. It was then that Joe realized [...]

Foley guys are unsung heroes. They do all manner of exhausting tests with dead bodies just to discover what kinds of squishes they’ll later need to mimic with groceries.

They came from miles around, looking for a fresh start. First came the gas stations, then the AM/PMs, then the combination KFCs/Dunkin Donuts. Soon there was talk of building an overpass, and on the other side, tract housing developments. There was a new world waiting for the settlers, but it would not be won overnight.

The money you save on your water bill just from a broken arm is insane. That is, assuming the paramedics find you in under 5 minutes.

The Reverse Thrust is a classic escape maneuver, but can result in all manner of wildlife, power tools and passersby being inexorably drawn to your rhythmic thrusting. Sometimes it can spell your doom just as much as succumbing to the power of a group’s thrust pile-up.

Pauly’s spiritual pilgrimage to Temecula (which, due to a miscommunication, he thought was Mecca for at least three straight peyote-drenched weeks) resulted in the hostile takeover of a pet store chain and, with it, a whole crop of new ads.

Worse yet, think of how the poor owner of midwestern family theme park Moonworld will feel about this sobering news.

With the new Canon lenses, every shot is a bird’s-eye shot.

As you can tell, Billy gained a lot of confidence with women that senior year, mostly from winning the Mathletes Nationals, but partly from a three-week, hooker-filled bender in Cancun with his cousin Marco.

Worse still, his ‘zine was getting too expensive to photocopy. He could’ve let more people know via beeper, but he spent all his money on Doc Martens.

I know what a lot of you are thinking: “How could he cheat on Olivia?” That’s because you’ve never made love to an entire hive of bees in your life. You’re young, you’ll understand one day.

When he was younger, his father recorded over his instructional dance tapes with a TV presentation of “Dirty Harry.” His mean streak either comes out of a misplaced sense of vengeance or an inability to grasp that dance moves don’t suddenly end in murder.

The Bleeding Knees Club went on to have a band meeting. They decided that knives stuck in the back are definitely not cool, and that the police should be alerted about an attempted murder.

It’s not really an effective mutant ability for her, especially when compared to good old-fashioned Misplaced Anger and a gun.

Don’t ask him how much he loves death metal. There will be no survivors.

He didn’t have time to debate them on whether a top-down, bird’s-eye view of his lawn would still indicate that they were “on” it, because he had to go clean off the accident he made in his britches.

Soooo, the Nakatomi Corporation went bankrupt, the members of Asian Dawn were inexplicably released from prison, and his ex-wife’s respect for him plummeted even further. On the plus side, he finally scratched that hard-to-reach itch that was bugging him.

Right now, as this 5-second film unspools on home computers across America, 36 dormant agents just uncontrollably dismantled their cats.

He was on his way to a barbecue in the park when his friends saw it happen from across the field. He tried laughing it off and changing the subject, but one of his friends sat him down on a pack of ice on top of the cooler, and told it to him straight. “You’ve [...]

They have a water park in heaven that doubles as a rainmaker for Earth, which is a fantastic tax incentive. So, that’s not even actually his job.

That money, incidentally, is going towards a suit made entirely out of dollar bills, which he will then splatter with blood at a violent club shootout, which will necessitate laundering after all. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

I am Jack’s half-eaten mouse. I am Jack’s hollowed-out oak tree. 

Some brahs are there to support you. Some brahs lie just to make you think you’re better than you are. And some brahs just break down when you need them the most.

You know how the story goes. Boy meets girl. Boy packs up and moves to a new apartment. Boy loses girl amidst the hustle and bustle. Boy frequents restaurants, coffee shops and bars to try and find girl. Boy meets other girls. Boy finds girl again. Boy is crazy.

Oscar Week comes to a close once more, with this four-hanky epic about that terrible, bloody invention of man that tears countries apart, pits man against animal, and shatters families. Of course, we are talking about whores.

Andy Serkis was nominated the next year, three times over, for playing all of the leads in the gritty reboot of Homeward Bound. However, he still lost to the only other nominee – Squeegee the Dolphin for her stunning, heartfelt work in Karate Dolphin and the Case of the Phantom Tortoise. He became so enraged [...]

Step 1: Decide to win an Oscar for Best Screenplay (Original or Adapted). Step 2: Thumb through National Tragedies Weekly for inspiration. Step 4: Profit. (Step 3 is to write the thing, which we feel sorta goes without saying)

Nothing underscores the emptiness of the void that surrounds our meaningless universe quite like tap dancing and pencil thin mustaches.

Even worse were the twitter responses afterward. @Hugo said “Dammmmn, I’d let Chris Brown beat me out for an award anytime.” Just a sad day in general.

The Snitches, Bitches & Soggy Britches Gang inevitably cleans up on strip poker night. Their willingness to start each game off with a considerable handicap strikes fear into other players’ well-clothed hearts.

Her disappointment with being denied a chance to create a new, better baby was only matched by her boundless stupidity.

The sound of the dam bursting is still fresh in his memory. The crack of the branches. The high-pitched screams. The tails whapping against the rushing water. The sound of Kelsey asking why he was crying on his knees.

The lie detector technician also served at the wedding as the priest. He was sweating profusely throughout the ceremony, but the bride and her matching Glock .357 looked radiant.

Nobody wants to read “Dead, Overweight Body Found in Silver Spring Again” in their morning paper. That’s sure to get buried in the back pages, next to the stories about missing cats.

There’s no manual on “How to Get Out of Actual Boxes” that they give mimes. Well, okay, there’s a chapter on it in Do I Tell My Parents I’m Pregnant?, but they don’t give that to mimes either.

He chases Kelsey Cat up a tree constantly, asking her for her number. Then he runs back into the house, barking about what a great job he did when he didn’t even score any digits.

In truth, not much has changed from now to then. There’s a costume shop explosion, a run from the cops, and a quick detour into a nuclear physicist’s laboratory to hide out. That’s all coming in about an hour.

NBC bought 28 comedy pilots last month. This is not one of them.

His headshot is a sheet of reflective silver paper, which, when held at the right angle in front of you, reveals his face peeking right over your shoulder. To date, the only stuff he’s booked is background work in everything ever.

Pilot season is around the corner, and word on the street is “Ghost Punchers” got picked up for a full season before the first episode aired. The “Demon Snatchers” crew will have to go big for sweeps, or go home. Either way, apparently their neighbor is having a barbecue, so there’s always that to look [...]

Memories came flooding up, of the moments spent adrift in the grasp of his sweet bro as they slammed a monster hi-five, or the epic NCAA-style beer pong championship trophy ceremony they shared. His only hope was that the platonic love of his life felt the same way right now, and as if by magic, [...]

It’s his brain capacity, coupled with his ability to stay calm under pressure, that makes him a merciless opponent in “Scene It: Harry Potter Edition” tournaments.

To be fair, how can you live in this cruel world when you find out Falkor the Luck Dragon from “The Neverending Story” isn’t real? It’s like discovering Santa Claus doesn’t exist, except 1,000 times worse because it’s Falkor the Luck Dragon.

The station managers didn’t even broadcast the first five minutes in English, and whoever edited the pilot accidentally put in footage of their pet parakeet dying in front of a fireplace. It still scored a 14.1, beating Parks and Recreation by 14.06 points. The coveted “Dying/Unsure of How to Program the Remote” demo remained The [...]

Sheriff Brimley Spiggensbottom couldn’t read, but he could understand sign language. It was only a matter of time before his customized hand bible turned on him – and with election time coming up so soon, too.

His therapist isn’t much help either. Just a lot of screaming and cowering behind bookshelves, with all those fancy books he read in his fancy-schmancy therapist school. Bet they don’t have a chapter on how to deal with giant feelings.

Would that he could gallop back to those halcyon days, when sunlight streamed in through the haylofts and wood dust swirled in the moonbeams and everything was right with the world. Alas, his mother Strider needed money to keep the farm going and the town would turn on them both if they knew a female [...]

On a morning when she’s feeling a little too “urpy,” she’ll saunter over to a bowl of Sambuca, drink it, then barf up whatever organic kale she had the night before. Then she scratches your door until you clean it up. One must earn Kelsey Cat’s affections.

It’s like an episode of Maury, but with less crying and no “Whoomp! There it Is” playing on the loudspeakers.

Every man dies. Not every man really lives.

She divorced him after this incident, citing “Emotional Distress” and “Irreconcilable Holy Shit His Head is Gone.” He defended himself in court and promptly lost, proving the old lawyer’s adage true: “He who defends himself in court has a fool for a what the fuck how can someone even do that.”

The makers of the wooden table, the company that stitched Rouss and Peter’s clothes together, the owners of that telltale gunshot sound effect…they’re hungry for justice. See why they’ll be able to delete our site forever at American Censorship.

First of all, her tits scored a 71 on the IQ test, which puts them within the average range of the population. And second, ouch. Just because they’re big doesn’t make them tough.

She’s got the right angles, the right dress, the makeup is fine, the lighting was even on such a cloudy day. It’s gotta be the stupid face. It just has to be.

David Bowie’s 1977 B-side “Heroes of Ancient Greece” was not as appreciated as his smash single “Heroes,” but there’s a lot of depth and humanity to the lyrics, particularly the spoken-word interlude where Socrates eats 10 babies.

Ok Cupid recently had a 15,000-question test titled “Are You a Creep Who Spends Too Much Time on the Computer?” He answered all 15,000, and thus scored the highest rating.

Never disrespect your mother or your 8,000 brothers and sisters; Real men do not hide under conch shells; and when in doubt, leave the gun, but take the krill.

Fool me once, shame on me – because come on, it’s a fucking cactus. Fool me twice, just let me die because it’s clearly what I want.

Bringing a whole new meaning to the term “Private Dick in a Coat,” which didn’t exist until right now. So that means “Private Dick in a Coat” has one meaning only, which is “a dick meant to be kept private, stuffed inside a man’s coat.”

The 99% picketing outside were swallowed up by a massive crack in the Earth, which secreted both scorching lava and sounds of moaning souls in equal measure. CNBC tried to be all even-handed about the reporting, which just made them sound lame in comparison to Fox News’ “Wusses: Are They Even Wussier Today Than in [...]

When she was 12, she was given a pet rabbit for Christmas. She named it “Die Already,” which it promptly did, right around the time she discovered how to mix the perfect poma-tini at age 12 1/2.

The end of the holiday season can get a bit emotional for everyone. But the trees seem to take it worst of all, with a yen for reckless, suicidal tendencies. On a side note, how awesome is the band Suicidal Tendencies?

He went to Get Help, by which he meant “rent the hit motion picture ‘The Help,’” and it took him 20 minutes to do it in a straight line of rooftops across town. Just bush-league all the way.

Thing is, Laser-Eyes is a pretty nice guy. Once again, he’s picked a New Year’s resolution that conveniently avoids the central problem in his life instead of addressing it.

Hey, c’mon. It’s the year she went into hiding, not the year, she, you know. Either way, I cannot WAIT for the Summit Entertainment remake of the Anne Frank story, with vampires instead of Nazis and blogs instead of diaries. Take that, “Vampire Diaries.”

Few things take longer. A dirigible trip across Mexico and a visit to the DMV are among those few things. SICK BURN ON THE DMV OHHHHHHHHHH

Whiskey shooters come with a complimentary jugbucket of diet soda down at Crimeys on Solve Blvd. It’s a deal too potent for any gumshoe to resist.

Every man’s dream, plus backup. All that’s missing is a sick bottle of bud, the game on TV, and a rebound lovedoll.

It keeps going, and eventually involves a game of naked whiskey twister being played while whistling Rihanna’s “We Found Love.” They have to plan their whole day around these handshakes, but the attention is always worth it, negative or otherwise.

Jesus remembered this kid from way back, when he tried to rob a bank with his dad and got off with a light sentence. It marked the last time Billy would be tried as a minor. In fact, it marked the last time Billy anything. Sorry, that’s all I got.

There was a dummy attache, filled with old Bennigan’s receipts, that kept the cops busy while they drained the Hudson looking for it. Meanwhile, an inconspicuous tan Chevy sped off into the marshland, eventually climbing higher and higher into the sky and disappearing with a twinkly flourish. Only the children noticed, as children often do. [...]

Peppermint spray, however, is both a massively effective NLECDU (non-lethal elf crowd dispersal unit) and a GGFD (great gift for Dad).

The elves knew what they were getting themselves into when they started fomenting rebellion. A quelling was as inevitable as the rolling shifts of the snowbanks.

Their first child was not a masculine child. But a ball-buster all the same, as you can see.

This Christmas, throw your friends in precarious safety hazards, make them beg for mercy, and hoist them into the night sky, whereupon you’ll drop them hundreds of feet into the unforgiving freeway below.

Look, if we don’t do this, the terrorists don’t not ever never lose. Justice must be possibly done.

An intern can really work their way up the ladder here if they make an effective lava monster, knowing who to tag (e.g. not the boss) and when to suggest getting Dunkaroos from the break room.

Undaunted, the Russians fortified their base with multiple black throw pillows, some of which had their fringe gnawed off by the family cat Ivan. And then they all died.

Wild Skank Patrol Butt Force 12 is an even more crushing statement on the meaningless of human life when you watch WSPBF parts 1-11. They jumped ahead and barely got a glimmer of the raw, despairing scope of Kent Slamwell’s performance.

A memorial service was held for him later that evening. Everyone in the platoon attended, except for him, because he was out picking a caterer for the wedding. Which was so lame.

All this anti-, alt-, awkward-comedy bullshit is really starting to get on my fucking space nerves these days. Think they’re so clever. Write a damn Earth joke already.

Much like the lion in winter, California is always well-dressed and finds two olives a bit gauche, no matter what those charlatans in The New Yorker say.

There’s not a lot of room for two guys in there, as years of one struggling to accommodate the other (and every ensuing argument) could attest to. But now the loneliness would be a much larger, more imposing bunkmate. One that didn’t smell like Old Spice.

Nothing can stop him from spreading a message of hug-filled positivity. Not an awkward encounter with a random stranger on the street. Not a highly-effective, riot-dispersing food product. Down but not out, he will continue to offer hugs. And he’ll never charge a single dime. Guest-starring Andrew W.K.!

If you accomplish something minor, look over your shoulder. If you’re about to humblebrag to someone about your angry birds score, think twice. Because the matron is always watching. And her tea is hot.

He thought it would be a good idea to show up to the party in a matching outfit, and  when the party planners showed up in cop cars and handcuffs, he marveled at their commitment to the process. Then when they put him in a tiny cell with one cot and a hole to shit [...]

This happened so often, God eventually made it an 11th commandment that all sheep have to stop floating away and pulling this kind of crap. But doing so made Him lose even more credibility, so He just reverted to the original 10 commandments and everyone forgot the 11th ever existed. Just like Quikster.

The Drifters won the right to record the original version, after an intense three-way battle between them, The Four Junkies, and Jerry Backalley and The Cashed-Out Veins. The rest was music history.

The upside is, it also made him forget about the syphilis he contracted, so the moral of the story is: Smoke weed constantly. 

He even made it past Christmas, too, in a harrowing 30-day ordeal filled with thrills and chills. He sold the life rights to his story, but they changed it completely and retitled it “Hunger Games.”

When the General tells you it’s time for turkey dinner, you don’t need a meat thermometer. All you need is a open pathway to your soul and he and Mirabelle will do the rest.

He won’t do adult Huggies. There’s a time and a place for that sort of thing – either at a rave, or when it’s time for Baby Huey cosplay.

In just 10 easy installments of $59.99, you too can purchase all 40 volumes of the “Shit You’ve Already Googled Or Will Ever Google” series, available in leatherbound editions at no extra cost to you, the douchebag.

He’s the kind of guy who loves afternoon open mics at the Laugh Factory, but only when the comedian bombs so horribly that they kill themselves onstage and their whole family watches.

Once, while in line at a supermarket, she opened up a People magazine and flipped to the “Who Wore It Better” page. It was between a leopard, a dalmatian, and a giraffe, and they were all wearing cheetah-print Michael Kors. There were no survivors. 

He was promoted to Head of Writhing Maggots Turning Into An Orgiastic Sea Of Drowning Albinos While Winged Spiders Rain Acid Venom On Beep Beep Beep Beep Beeeeeeeeeeeeep Turns Out He Was Hooked Up to a Dialysis Machine and Just Died. Which really pissed off Simmons, because he worked harder for that position and they [...]

Having a girl’s name, like Dana, Stacey, Pat, or Jamal, is a pretty good guarantee you’ll get fired. Unless you really are a girl…in which case, watch your back, Jamal.

When it comes to 5sf ideas, we usually do our best thinking in the Nude Bed – but not the best insulting. Except for the time Paul called Tomm a dingus, which benefited from both superb timing and brilliant wordplay.

The expansion pack has all kinds of great content. Like jizz. Because the expansion pack is his erect penis. Shit, I can’t sell double-entendres very well.

Coincidentally, this is how Batman scratches his back. But his lats are way more jacked, so it works out okay.

Someday, these crazy kids will be able to look in the mirror and say they love themselves. Until then, they’ve got each other.

It’s a new world record. Too bad he can’t use that to pick up chicks at bars.

Always assume the best in people. Little by little, you’ll chip away at the vast chasms of evil in everyone.

On one hand, time heals all wounds. Time jump transitions, on the other (remaining) hand, do not.

Actually, 5-Second Films, the correct term is “Mentally-Challenged Manifested Heat Spikes.” Thank you.

Nothing a little Flexahol can’t fix. And yes, Zanderflex is required by the court not to drink alcohol. Zanderflex always finds a loophole.

The next step is to go about deleting your history, everything that looks like it comes from Craigslist, Cracked, Reddit, eBay, Netflix, e-mail, all of it. Don’t forget to erase your Google searches too, lest the dropdown menu bring up something embarrassing like “how to make nacho cheese dip” when your friend’s searching for “horseramming [...]

This manual was published in the spring of ’86, with helpful full-color photos in the middle. Sadly, time has been cruel to the pages of AWTFP, but we’ve got a crack book restoration team, working around the clock to uncover more bodacious firing tactics. We’ll let you know of our progress as it develops. 

There’s a distinct difference between the cheap, crummy pinatas you get at Gelson’s and the nice expensive ones you can get at Hellson’s. That stuff’s better for ‘em than candy, anyway. More protein.

There’s a specific spot on the board just for these sorts of disputes: “Will you two quit pussyfooting and just get down to boot-knockin’ already, it’s making me nauseous watching you flirt.” It’s written almost microscopically small, and positioned just to the left of the “H.” More people unwittingly land on that than you might [...]

Saying “White Russian” three times doesn’t really do anything cool. Although the next day, “Rocky 4″ is always playing on AMC. And no, not “The Big Lebowski.” I told you it wasn’t cool.

What’s worse, magical hamsters will come out and ride your toothbrushes away too, if you even try cleaning with those. At least witches on brooms don’t become bizarre Buzzfeed memes for a week.

Better than “Slutty Ghost” anyway. Not that this would be an issue.

If half of your superhero job consists of you apologizing, or thinking about it, then it may be time to look at alternative ways of helping people.

The Ice Age was shaped like a pair of kickin’ Ray-Bans, directly over North America. Nobody else cared.

The support groups were no help at all, since beers just kept popping up around everybody sitting in the circle of trust.

This is what you get when you spend all night at a rager, telling the coolest stories to all your bros, and you have six tabs of acid duct-taped to your forehead.

He tried to write some poetry to cope with the incident, but he couldn’t help starting it with “Hey Heart Thief / Why You Always Gotta Be Thiefin’ My Hearts?” which was too heavy-handed and melodramatic, even for him.

Most terrifyingly, you can’t help but become them. But it’s not a gruesome process like The Thing or a bodysnatcher; you just start hating more and more music, oblivious to the ever-growing truth.

Stop wives and save lives with this handy-dandy technique! Note: Must have glasses in order to remove them dramatically.

And lo, the world was saved. The world of FASHION. At least, until she paired her Louboutins with a red purse and just got way too matchy-matchy.

They “know a guy” who can speed up the entire judicial process, book a room for them at a Max Security in the tri-county area, and then get them out by Monday for good behavior. It’s wild. It’s basically like a bachelor party except you’re the hooker.

Retiring from the force because you lost an escaped convict amidst some hanging clotheslines is tough. Going undercover to catch him is tougher. And growing out your facial hair, only to shave it off and fashion a realistic mustache disguise, is toughest of all. Also, getting stabbed in the process is considerably tough.

This, coincidentally, was the same answer he gave for “Where Do You See Yourself in 5 Years?” back during the interview process.

The “Charlies Angels” reboot went through so many changes from its initial conception, as you can see.

If you confirm your PIN, it just starts rifling through stuff like your mom’s maiden name, your credit card number, what high school you went to, your Everything Password, until finally it just starts revealing porn sites you go to and what videos you prefer there.

Having non-stop laser eyes really can make those peepers pretty puffy. Thankfully, this time-tested method both rejuvenates AND provides a tasty snack.

He even switched out his ‘hose, because the old one was getting a little sweaty. That’s how fast he is.

Last time they played Parcheesi, somebody got shot. So that was voted down 3-1 at game night.

Curiously, it gets 4 bars in there and only 1 on the crosstown bridge. O cell phone towers, what wonders ye hold.__Starring the guys from Cyanide & Happiness!

It’s hard to see here, but she’s actually texting her boyfriend a bunch of silly baby-talk. This guy is just plain crazy.

Once science discovered it was mostly peanut M&Ms in there, the money offers dried up and his wife left him. Just to make ends meet, he stooped to answering creepy “Pep Boys cosplay”” want ads on Craigslist.”

This year, get her something she’ll remember.__Special thanks to Alfonso Faustino, Jr. and David Bush.

I know she had a family and everything, yet I just can’t help but think, “That’s what you get for getting drunk and answering ‘Missed Connections’ on Craigslist that weren’t yours.”””

It was now or never. Everything was on the line. Play it cool and nobody got hurt…or do something really stupid and pay the price. These bros were teetering on the edge of true oblivion. And the worst part of it is, long after it happened, no one could ever figure out Why.

This isn’t anything you couldn’t learn in an average issue of Cosmo. At least there, you’d also get to learn 400 spicy ways to please your dead lover.

It’s basically like entering World 4 in Super Mario Bros. 3, except your dignity doesn’t get any bigger.

Any great therapist should be able to explain tough concepts, such as psychosexual trauma, schizotypal personality disorders, or the letter “G.”””

Our week-long masterclass in digital trickery and filmic enhancery comes to a close with a new take on 5sf’s crowning achievement “Late For Work,”” which absolutely none of us had anything to do with ever.”

With the power of high-definition digital gimcrackery, the controversial becomes uncontroversial in this latest installment of 5-second visioneering. Would you friend this 5sf?

More cinematic revisionist history as we delve into “Robodog,”” the tale of a boy and his robotic pet that just wasn’t quiiiiiiiite all it could’ve been, according to its filmmaker.”

Our week of Special Edition 5sfs continues as an older, wiser Brian Firenzi turns his attention to a super-old work, “The Brilliant Dr. Eye,”” and realizes both his true vision for the film as well as the merchandising opportunities within the character.”

World-renowned filmmaker Brian Firenzi delves back into the 5-Second Films archive to revise, rewrite and restore old 5sfs in his original vision. The first in a week-long series, “Death Ray From Space,”” gives us all a look inside the mind of a put-upon savant whose only constraints are money, time, and lack of digital innovation [...]

He might have some pretty tasty chops, but it’s not worth all the aggravation. There’s 11 more where he came from, anyway.

She knew it was on the rocks when he started trying to give her gold-encrusted tooth necklaces. But hanging outside her cloud palace, blasting Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Mouth”” on a boombox was the last damn straw.”

To be fair, the yo-yo learns tricks faster, doesn’t eat its own poop, doesn’t need heartworm pills, AND it gets just as excited when you come home from work. Sympathetic though he may be, the dog is outclassed in every respect.

Flip that frown upside down. You’ll never know what’ll get flipped back at you.

Heroes aren’t born. They’re medicated.

If you don’t have at least one fight in your relationship that ends this way, you’re doing it wrong.

It may not seem like much these days, but to gain a true appreciation for “Roseburger”” you have to look at it in the context of film history to see what boundaries it broke, narrative and technical alike. For example, nothing.”

He saw a flier earlier up the road, right where his car broke down. “Stand-up bassist needed to complete the ultimate hoedown recipe.”” Sadly, he never knew about the old adage, “”Hicks don’t truck in metaphors.”””

Buster only knows a specific set of words, all of which end in “-ut”” sounds. In Buster’s world, there really can only be one type of woman, and there can only be one question to ask.”

Six words that you can never take back, unlike the 15 pounds you’ll gain (note: You won’t take back the 15 pounds either, you just have the choice of doing so).

When you get a bright idea, don’t waste it. Kill someone with it.

These 1-900 sex lines are getting less and less erotic every day.

A rigorous screening process is necessary before you can become Kelsey’s boyfriend and thus our new buddy. You must submit yourself to five hours of porch questions, a head-shaving, a new hat of our choice, and salsa lessons, all of which are non-negotiable.

Sometimes Sam doesn’t even have to go to the bathroom. He just walks into a place where it’s socially acceptable to handle his junk, does so for about twelve minutes, and then the oppressive customer-server plutocracy doesn’t feel so bad anymore.

He’s great at narrowing your choices down from 14 to 13 at any given racetrack.

Before you die, you see the empty scenester hype.

They’re incredibly adaptable creatures, who have a better-than-tenuous grasp of our 90′s movies, our related pranks, and how to perfectly time their footsteps so as to take advantage of it all.

It’s kind of like winning a bottle cap sweepstakes, except with more guilt and fewer jetskis.

The male ear boasts an incredibly precise filtration system, but it can often pose a problem unless a police officer / your boss / your bailbondsman starts talking about ex-boyfriends, in which case it hears nothing at all.

They bought the place in the end, but only because it came with a butler (who later turned out to be a slumming Bronsot Pinchot in a motion-tracking ping-pong-ball suit).

Watch out on days when there’s a full sun.

Fernando Ribieres is the best of the best. He demands perfection, style, and class from both his students and his salsa. As he says, “Real salsa is for real dancers.”” So you know you’re on his bad side when he busts out the lame supermarket-grade stuff.”

Closing time is always a sad time down at The Womb. But really, it’s always sad in there, what with the barkeep being so lonely and the music just a steady diet of fuzzy-sounding Mozart.

In the Land of Fyffynthoth, most of the demonic winged creatures are actually just friendly dudes who are trying to get you anything you may want – lollies, more TV time, a scoop of ice cream. But Malazar the Wizard was having none of that bunk.

Friends don’t let friends give friends guns to sacrifice themselves. Even when those friends are about to become friends no longer.

5SF closes out Bellflower Week with every guerilla filmmakers’s favorite imaginary scenario.__”Bellflower”” is an awesome movie made by people we like. It opens Friday, August 5th in select theaters, and goes nationwide August 12th! Thanks for watching, and for letting us support our friends!”

She takes advice from these two on everything. Recently she diversified her stock portfolio by investing in VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNN-N-N-N-N-N-N Industries. Actually, that paid off quite well for her.

When the cops do drunk-stops in this town, they usually make you get out and walk a straight line while high-fiving them and reciting the lyrics to “Back in Black”” backwards. Nobody gets that last part right, so then you go to prison for the night.”

You can usually get that taken care of at the Free Clinic, but they ask all sorts of embarrassing questions, like what kind of mileage it gets in tunnels.

5sf kicks off “Bellflower Week”” with a look at an underseen cult classic, “”Sad Max”” – which might be underseen for a reason. The reason being that it’s sad.__Brought to you by 5SF and the guys & gals behind the new movie “”Bellflower,”” playing in LA and NY this Friday.”

His reign of terror gripped the Pacific Southeast for months, much like his incredibly dextrous fingers could grip the ceiling of any victim’s bedroom. Eventually, he was discovered by a cleaning lady who was vacuuming the carpet.

Anyone could’ve told him that Jessica was not the on-air reporter to have flings with. Of course she kisses and tells – she got her start over at “To Catch a Predator.”””

If you don’t pay the fine in under 30 days, they send a flatfoot named Hernandez to troll your YouTube comments with inflammatory remarks. Hernandez is a loose cannon who’s been pushing pencils behind a desk too long. He can’t WAIT for this kind of action.

Putting to rest the age-old mystery of “Your Mom”” jokes, and in it’s place begins a new regime of terror.”

Gun permits come with a question where you check a box indicating whether you’re a “Lover”” or a “”Fighter.”” Statistically, that question used to be the best indicator of a potential accident. Until now.”

The course cost $300 and you got to name your own squadron. Edifying though the weekend may have been, Ass-play Company still needed a lot of shaping up to do.

When you order premium-grade lobster bisque from the best restaurants in the south of France, it comes in cans that you have to heat yourself. Jethro Peabody found out the hard way – it was the one thing the church internet cafe could not prepare him for.

No one was home. It took forever to waddle down to the gas station with his cheeks clenched. And yet, the shameful walk back somehow felt even longer.

The Ivetouchedlittleboysenberry flavor is a personal favorite. [gets put on government watchlist]

When they heard the news about New York legalizing gay marriage, they just laughed at the poor romantic fools, poured some chablis and watched “Road House” together.

If this is what they call “chin music,” then it sounds like Tom Waits covering “Everybody Hurts” on a broken piano next to a dying dog.

In this stunning visual essay on youth, nature, fathers, mothers, brothers, and man’s place in the universe, 5secondfilms explores new terri

Postal workers don’t get overtime for de-rezzing, either. It was just a real bummer of a Sunday all around.

SIDE EFFECTS OF PUTINESTRA INCLUDE (BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO): Drowsiness, blowsiness, frowniness, constant explosive urination, skin discoloration, metallic discharge from the mouth and pores, and getting a little bit chunky there aren’t we bitch.

Thankfully, this wasn’t the Brown Reticulated Spider, which typically asks for autographs when threatened – and worst of all, it has no pen of its own, and asks you to fish one out. Juliette and the girls were safe once more.

Agent 33 had an incredibly witty comeback for this one, but unfortunately his larynx was under the command of a far less gifted wordsmith. Some sort of play on the word “Sphincter.” He forgot it when he woke up in the ER anyway.

As it turns out, candy striping at local hospitals was the most humorously convenient community service Olivia could have possibly chosen, following her aggravated assault on 35 police officers.

Thus began a feud between two powerful families of pure hearts and proud walks, a feud as inevitable as the setting of the sun and the icing of the balls.

You only make cool tenure if you can hit a jukebox with your elbow and get it to start playing. Although these days, cutbacks are forcing cool teachers to perform the act on an iPod Touch, which has proven exceedingly difficult.

There are many ways to donate to the needy people of Wall Street: A token contribution out of every paycheck you earn, not complaining about losing your job when the needy decide to outsource it, or continuing to vote _______________ (insert political party you don’t belong to).

In this terrible job market with bleak prospects, in a world where film projection is getting replaced by slick machine-operated digital projection, in a culture where black-and-white silent film is all but lost to the winds of time…one doofus with a tie and a poignancy-starved cineaste found magic together. But then everything caught on fire.

It’s either this, or Olivia puts on some jodhpurs and takes him into a couch fort with 52 cents, a flashlight, a rubber band and a copy of Sports Illustrated’s 1994 Swimsuit Issue. But it’s never as good as what you imagine it to be, so why go to the effort?

Jeeves’ hand was a Hoppin’ Jalapeno Cool Ranch with Finger-Lickin’ Lemon-Lime Zest. Truly a feast for the palate, and the kind of impressive exactitude that made him the greatest butler in all of Flavor Country.

Pauly got in the habit of making money orders using fake lira from the Italian version of Monopoly (the most identical-looking of all the versions) at unsuspecting 7-11s in the tri-county area. A cute trick for a while, but the feds tracked it down after just two weeks – thanks to the detective work of [...]

The great authors all have pages and pages of unpublished, delicious mealuscripts. Thoreau has a secret Walden chapter on “Paprika” that few have ever read, much less tasted.

An extra $12K gets you a throat modulator that mimics the pitch and timbre of a feral street cat. He’s very thorough.

Times are tough. Friends gotta rap with each other. No pressure, just talk. Is it drugs, Jon?

He reappeared back in his future-year of 2004 as the lowly son of a stonecutter in a world built on vine pulleys and towering tree fortresses. They also had these useless, futuristic-looking cubes with strange letterboards tethered to them, and no one had any clue why they existed in every home. He whistled conspicuously to [...]

It’s a lot like wearing the Green Lantern ring, but instead of cool weapons, you’re only manifesting a life spent being bloated and sucked dry by kids and work. Also, the greenish glow is probably something you should get checked out.

Later, he was asked for directions to 5th and Broadway, and proceeded to bullshit an entire family into somehow taking a Central Park horse-drawn carriage into the Lincoln Tunnel. It was then that he became a true New Yorker.

Good thing he at least taught him how to do other father-son activities beforehand, such as arrange a burial, help draft a will, drive a car, and stand somberly over a grave. Otherwise Junior would be in a pretty tight spot here.

This violates the doctor-patient relationship in so many ways. For one thing, she’s fat, and for another, she could stand to pop a few breath mints.

Years of playground lies – stolen Magic: The Gathering cards, false Four Square calls, unkept pants-wetting secrets – all forged in the crux of two unwitting pinkies. Something was bound to give sooner or later.

He immediately spent the pawn shop money on a doorknob so he could exit the pawn shop.

It isn’t every day you inherit a BBQ Chicken Chest from your dead relatives. That’s why so few are prepared to deal with the consequences. And when your friends find out about your BBQ Chicken Chest – and trust us, they will – there will be some lip-smacking, hyper-savory consequences.

A delightful lark, the first and last from Woolthorp & Pendergrast Amusements (before the celluloid fire gave way to a most precipitous falling-out between the two). Historians are left to wonder: What other works might these two would-be cinema giants have created? Perhaps the first pornographic film? The first snuff? The mind, it positively reels.

That’s not even the worst of it. They think an iPod is something you play air hockey with and “The Cloud” is just a bunch of precipitation suspended above in the sky.

For what it’s worth, she got food poisoning from the shrimp. Michael got it too, from the chicken shawarma, but that’s neither here nor there. Life goes on, at any rate.

He tried calling up his roll of scotch tape, but she wasn’t returning his calls. And the paper clips…they were sweet, but they couldn’t fill the tiny holes punctured in his heart. Nothing could.

What did the internet comedian do, honey? Show us what he did. Point on this bored-looking doll sitting at his work desk, unimpressed with the bad man’s free content.

At the Daily Planet’s white elephant Christmas party, Clark wound up getting the gag gift: A pair of dorky, oversized, Stay-On glasses and a custom shirt with the words Definitely Not Superman puff-painted on. “Very funny, everyone,” he chuckled a little too loudly. “Very funny indeed.”

They should have paid attention in class, when they played an instructional video on how to survive a potential baby shower. Always duck and cover your boobs (note: For lactating women only).

Love is a many-reloaded thing.

Realizing your friends have a problem is the easy part. Getting them to go into Meme Rehab, and resisting the urge to detonate their nuts with a swift kick, is where it gets tough.

The judge was a giant talking cigar, so the verdict was swift: Fifty years of smooth, full-flavored 3-pack-a-day habits, with no chance for parole.

Sorry if we inadvertently ruined “Game of Thrones” for you or whatever.

There is a battle that rages in all men, between the cordial fellow attempting conversation and the wounded, jealous cad expecting athletic sex in the near-future. Woe unto the red and white Battleship (TM) pieces that are caught in such a crossfire of the soul.

The motion-tracking stuff just isn’t what the reviews hyped it up to be. You still can’t tell whether your friends are cool dudes or mooching assholes. The good news is, you really can run over pedestrians if you drive fast enough.

The English language is a tool just like any other. Dangerous when misunderstood. Well, I’m majoring in philosophy and that’s my grad thesis, anyway.

There are some nuisance-makers who will not be denied. Tolerate their shitty mischief or suffer the consequences.

He was faced with an impossible choice: Report her to the authorities, or continue hitting on her? Eventually, he tried both at once, but the cops shut down his game with that pesky “Miranda Rights” thing, and the whole day was a total bust. … In related news, 5-Second Films is working the actual “Lost [...]

Friends don’t let friends don’t let friends…sleep…let friends…sleep…there’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s painless, it’s good, come, sleep…

If you do this with an old ELO record, it tells you to put on some goddamn cotton gloves if you’re going to touch it any more. The last Boards of Canada LP tells you to only use distilled water when cleaning the vinyl. They don’t really add to the song, but they’re helpful to [...]

The phone call to the Guiness Records department was bittersweet, for both men would soon realize they were bested by a third participant, yawning endlessly in the attic from a terrific hangover. One black eye and a mocking, ticking watch was all they had to show for their folly.

Olivia tends to take “Must have shared interests” a little too literally sometimes.

He came from the East, with a knowledge of how duels are won and a willingness to bend the rules. They called him The Man With No Sense of Decency.

Too bad they run the Photographic Evidence department in the Murdertown Police Station.

Reality TV continues to push boundaries and hold up a mirror to society, as you’ll see in this unaired pilot for an MTV series about hollowing out sad people until they’re just a husk.

He’s gonna show her who wears the pants, and who continues to wear them after weeks of showerless, cheetoh-and-hooker-stained revelry.

The same maneuver works for weed, too. You just have to also have a peanut butter sandwich in the bag, and you have to put it in the sandwich, and you have to eat it in front of the cop, and you have to not throw up right there on the spot.

“Shotgun Etiquette” demands that you refrain from slurping, dipping crackers or wearing a seatbelt. Should any projectiles approach the vehicle, remain calm and focus on pleasant mealtime discussions, such as the weather, cartwheels or the deliciousness of the soup. And don’t forget to use the spoon CLOSEST to you in the glove compartment box.

A tradition rich with history and purpose, the annual “Drunken Punching of the Forehead” is superseded only by the “Instant Appearance of Alcoholic Beverages” within the culture. Chips and dip are mandatory, as well.

The first time they saw her and her wild, smiling eyes, they could swear they heard music. They weren’t wrong; It was a combination of a worn-out Nat King Cole tape and loud explosions, and it was coming from her house.

Peter Dactyle was a young man with a junior archaeologist’s kit and a dream. He would take that dream all the way to the top of his profession one day – but not without the help of his deep, crippling psychosis.

It was when they answered the door as “Pizza Hut” that he knew something was awry. Only Domino’s had the sweet pizza-tracker app that let you know just how soon you’d get your piping-hot pie. Besides, there wasn’t a Hut for miles in Pakistan. But as he dove for his AK, the door burst open [...]

Coincidentally, a giant glob of spooge was the correct answer to number 12. However, he unwittingly signed his test “Holy Shit, This is the Sweetest Grip” and thus the jig was up.

Nothing helps wash down the bitter taste of knowing you’re capable of ruthless back-alley baby-stopping quite like a heaping slice of homemade Tiramisu.

Pigeons typically don’t get tenure. But his discourse on Proust is thrilling to behold.

A simple man who enjoyed simple pleasures, Troy loved creating righteous shit for his friend Randall to check out. Until that fateful, flaming, chainsaw-filled day the shit-checking stopped.

Personally, I kinda like coming up to a line of hydrants and peeing on the one right next to someone. It feels like a team effort that way, instead of feeling like everyone’s just in it to selfishly spread around their own scent.

Times are tight and rent is rough in the big city, particularly when you’ve been running out of places to store dead bodies and meth in your tiny downtown artist’s loft. So sometimes, drastic measures must be taken, like moving in with your goody-two-shoes, dinner-party-loving brother. It happens.

As a runner-up, you go home with a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax, but if you’ll notice, the turtle on the bottle has been labeled upside-down as if it’s dead on its back. Which is a cute little touch, considering that you are also dead.

Right before this, he showed the other men in his squad a photograph he kept tucked away in his helmet. “This is what I got waiting for me back home,” he said lovingly. It was a picture of him taking a massive rip off a killer 4-footer self serve. It was then that they knew [...]

There’s a Thursday farmer’s market down the street that sells this stuff farm-fresh organic, kale-fed and free-range. Most people just hang around and get free samples without buying any baby, so support your local farmer and pay for a plate sometime.

Gun AIDS. A little dab’ll do ya.

He was the last of three brothers who all died similarly; Ryan, who took heavy fire at a shooting range on Free Blindfold Day; Jacob, who drowned in his oatmeal at the mess hall; and Peter, felled by the General’s spring-loaded prank penknife on April Fool’s. Their mother wept openly upon hearing the news, then [...]

The best part about the cop asking for nobody’s license and registration is, it takes forever! And you can just drunkenly slip out the passenger side door and run away while he’s waiting for it!

Stay gold, Hornyboy. Stay gold.

The memories came rushing back almost as soon as the words escaped his lips. The grooves his fingers made in the prison bars over time. The whip-crack of towels, made entirely out of shivs. The nickname his overlord, The Golfer, gave him on the first day: The 19th Hole.

Her Facebook status reads “In a Relationship Totally Packed With Mind-Blowing Sex, Jon. Remember this vagina? Hope so, because it’s the last you’ll ever see.” An incredibly specific status, to be sure, but one she managed to find in the drop-down menu all the same.

In this anthropological field study, we witness the effect of male attention on unwitting passersby and watch as a strange symbiotic relationship begins. But from a balcony.

They were so “on board,” in fact, that their finger-ticklin’ dudeshake went on for a good forty minutes. When they stopped and came to, they were sitting out on the street with all of their stuff in a hasty pile next to them.

It’s even worse when some little brat steps in with you, hits all the buttons for every floor, and winds up vivisecting the entire structure like that horse in “The Cell.”

If you have a totally kick-ass party filled with lots and lots of booze receptacles, and say his name three times in a mirror, he will come.

You can’t hold Roof Monster down. You can only report him to the police and have your mom mail his sleepover stuff back to his mom while he’s in the drunk tank.

In this thrilling installment of the hit series “Hack3r C@t,” the team encounters a nasty firewall and has to break through in time to stop a neutron bomb from detonating the town of Silver Spring. They’re going to need a lot of luck, and purr-fect timing.

There’s a special VIP section in the burn ward, where the Dom Perignon can be attached to your IV, gift bags full of rare exotic aloe are dispensed, and best of all, only the pretty people get to go.

Onanism? More like Clonanism! Wait, what?

One day, these evil, armless, inanimate objects will realize that their telekinetic abilities could be put to far better use by, say, pulling our guts out through our eye sockets, rather than just holding guns the way we hold them. Let us pray that day never comes.

Justice was harsh and swift – 20 minutes without a chance of parole – but they let him off early for good behavior.

And to think: All he needed was their bank routing number. He was so close. So, so close to giving random people he’s never met all the money they could imagine, based on some unspoken rule he has no context for or ability to describe. Food for thought, right?

Turns any lame party into a totally not-lame deconstruction of lameness, filtered through a winking parody of fashion trends, stale Pabst, and detached observations about the outdated, now-meaningless use of the word “hipster!” Also oven mitts.

To be fair, the patron kept pressing him about a particularly strong drink he made, from a long time ago. The bartender was there to promote his new album “S.A.M.E.” (Serving All My Enemies), not talk about the controversial drink. He didn’t mean to rip his shirt off and break the glass, but he’s just [...]

Never leave ingenious escape plans up to the one P.O.W. who flunked out of fourth-grade math.

If it’s an emergency, they tell you to hang up and dial 911, or barring that, just die.

Photos going back as far as the Battle of Appomattox seem to include him, at least somewhere in the background. They’re blurry, but he appears to be hiding something fat, bleeding and tastefully dressed, almost entirely underneath his coat. The look on his face is one of both steely determination and demented purpose.

He lep-baits his friends at every turn, whether they accidentally speak in limerick or whether they just so happen to buy a box of Lucky Charms. In fact, one time they were all in the car and there was a rainbow, and they all just looked away or fiddled with the radio, which only made [...]

Eventually, the makers of “Meet Your Meat” had to issue a disclaimer saying not all cows were worthy of saving through vegan practices, but this just opened up a can of worms about which cows were or were not evil.

The bartender knew already that his twin would mean trouble. What with all the stealin’ of the women and all the horkin’ of his booze. It could not be. The next morning, after they spent a firelight out in the woods catching up, he put a round of buckshot in his back and drug his [...]

He eventually showed up at her place of work, stopped, caused a huge scene, stopped, punched her boss in the face, stopped, drove off like a madman, stopped, got pulled over by the cops, stopped, and stopped. Stop.

I guess you could say Delmar really got…SGARED straight after this close call! (Kills self)

They came from the outer reaches of Syphilis-9 to spread pod all over your face. Open wide, mankind.

The mark of any good pick-up artist is how well they can “Neg” their female targets – and, as the bartender demonstrates here, telling a girl that she’s not even attractive enough for an imaginary friend is a pretty good Neg. Now he just has to establish kino by throwing an empty tumbler at her [...]

This doesn’t bode well for the kindly old lady next door who crochets imitation jugs of mustard gas.

He has a way with words. As in, they’re usually accompanied by vomit.

Clearly we mean no actual harm to the church. Under no circumstances. Like, duh. Totally beneath us.

She needs a man who won’t lead a resistance against letting her inside his heart.

Eventually, he recycled enough plastic rings and bought a fish fillet at Vons. As he snacked on it in the backyard, he thought to himself how crafty he was to drive his Power Wheels to the recycling plant and how much people underestimated his intelligence.

It’s just like that old inspirational saying: “When life gives you lemons, make it a Blockbuster night.”

Yeah well, I guess he wasn’t dead this whole time. Still, he wasn’t moving for 175 days, so you can’t blame me for assuming.

The winners bound onstage. They hold their prize aloft. They speechify. Inevitably, someone says “Wow, I didn’t think it would be this heavy!” And Jasper Spittingsworth sheds a tear, knowing full well how little Pepe struggled with weight issues in the workshop.

Eventually he got on, and his incessant stammering actually managed to make the speech more concise and understandable. Partial transcript: “N…nazis…bad…v…nazis…are…Hit…Hitler…”

The dark horse candidate for Best Picture was “The Last Airbender,” mostly because the post-conversion 3D made it look really dark and there were possibly horses in the film, though we wouldn’t know because it looked like nothing we wanted to go see.

Realizing he still had enough adrenaline for another go round, he clutched the dulled, bloodied knife in his bare foot like a chimp and proceeded to hack away at the pesky arm. Then, after 2.1 more excruciating minutes had passed, his foot came free, only to be replaced by a stuck head. Realizing he still [...]

5-Second Films’ annual Oscar Week kicks off with an oft-overlooked category, Shortest Awards Speech, which has a long and illustrious history filled with…

His sign-off — “Until next time, the world’s on the rocks, and so’s my whiskey,” followed by a huge chug of the good stuff — was a big hit with viewers, enough to excuse his constant interruption of the entertainment news segments with stuff about child soldiers and baby boomers retiring.

You might be too young to remember, but back when cell phones didn’t exist, you had to develop pictures of your dick in a red room, and mail them to your friend’s mom in a special airtight pouch.

He shouldn’t have scheduled a meeting with her so close to lunch. Her mind was just focused on how delicious he looked. Also, he was way too adamant that Gary Busey star as the King of the Hermit Crabs.

Something about the two items just “go” together. Kinda like fire and kerosene. Chlorine and bleach. Peanut butter and dogshit.

Once, years ago, she even wound up arranging a “Congrats Grad” bouquet for him before he informed her she wouldn’t be graduating high school. And true to his word, she never did.

A Google Earth search brought the mafia to a backyard with a used-up oil drum and hammock full of hard lemonades in somewhere in Chico. By the time they arrived to kill the FBI’s lead witness, he had absconded with his camcorder, the cat, and a package of snacky cakes like a Smell Good in [...]

There was a tiger [ed: at a magic show he didn't see] and I ran from the cops [but they didn't notice or care] and I accidentally married a stripper [he accidentally watched a stripper get married] and I crashed my car into a casino [he ran up onto the curb a little bit while [...]

Johnson’s reports always come in on time, his ideas kill in the boardroom, and better yet, if both of you wind up handcuffed to the wall in a Tijuana prison, you know you’ll be escaping. I smell a promotion.

His act has a lot of crude, foul language that also kills people and turns them into ghosts. I guess that’s what you call “Working BloOOoooOOoo!” Get it? Get it?

He woke up 5 minutes later, having had the craziest dream. All he could remember, as it started to fade from memory, was having been chased by a giant baby in leather chaps, whispering that he was fired. As he cleared the spit off his chin, he noticed that everyone was looking at him funny [...]

Also brought to you by Subway, Clearasil, The Sick Fascination Foundation, Wrigley, Taco Bell, and General Motors.

The parents took him to small claims court and he proceeded without a lawyer, basing a case on the proof that their children had more fun with him than they ever did with them. After the “not guilty” verdict, he celebrated by taking the all-child jury to Chuck E. Cheese with a coked-out stripper as [...]

Dear Michael: This is the 5sf Joke Approval Committee. We wanted to write to congratulate you on the acceptance of your new joke, “I shoot myself through the skull and let loose a post-mortem fart in a pool of my own blood!” We are sure it will be an excellent addition to the archives, and [...]

It seems cruel, but Michael just has this intuitive way of cutting diagonally that gets the most blood with the fewest expensive emergency room trips. He only has his reputation to blame.

They were spared from the torrential onslaught – just freakish luck from living in the mountainous area of Silver Spring – but for some reason, he couldn’t stop and put it away until he finished. It was then he knew he was addicted, but couldn’t go to any group meetings to discuss the problem. Because [...]

They tempted the fates. They will deal with the consequences. And none of us will be spared the suffering for it.

Who is printing these fortunes? And why aren’t they cut properly? This last bit, as you can imagine, is my major concern.

Don’t bother getting out your wallet. He’s already collected his tip. And somehow, you still managed to short-change him.

Actually, she’s a double major in Neuroscience and Nuclear Physics, but she sucks at Angry Birds and can’t park in tight spaces, so what good is she anyway?

“Wait, monsieur,” said the French heiress from the boudoir, her hair a tangled post-coital mess. “You mustn’t tell my husband. He’ll go mad with jealousy.” Agent 33 sized up his mark from the bathroom, adjusting his tie before re-entering the costume ball downstairs. He had the nuclear codes, the key to the helicopter, and incredibly [...]

After witnessing a mob hit, Pauly P assumed a new identity as “Pauly P” and proceeded to churn out beta maxterpieces on fitness, grooming, style, weights, being buff and Smell Good. Yes, we’re aware it should technically read “smelling good.” Pauly just turned it into a noun, is all.

It used to be worse. Just months ago, we’d throw all-nighter, ten-keg block parties just because Google had some clever graphic variation of their logo up that day. Rousselet gave up a liver all because the Winter Olympics started.

Rule Number One when observing a catfight is: Don’t take sides. Because after they’ve scalped each other, jammed wrought iron stakes into the roofs of each other’s mouths, and melted the flesh off of the other’s bones, they’ll sit down, have a talk, and be best of friends again. And you’ll still be that jerk [...]

We even got a great photo op with him walking down the train tracks with his ribs showing. Diane Arbus did the shots. Very James Dean, very Americana.

In this episode, Brian deals with his daddy issues, Rousselet gets in deep with “smack,” somebody is probably banging a hot teacher, and Olivia somehow moves into her own swanky beachside place, emancipated from her parents, at the age of 16. Don’t ask questions.

Tearing a new hole in the interdimensional TerrorRealm doesn’t get you very high marks at obedience school, but it does turn the teacher into a horrifying melted slug demon screaming for someone to kill it. Which is cool.

Lifetime: Television for produce.

It puts the hose on its skin, or else it gets the loti…fuck! Wait.

V’hayah im shamo’a tish’m’u el mitz’votai asher anokhi m’tzaveh et’khem hayom l’ahavah et Adonai Eloheikhem ul’av’do b’khol l’vav’khem uv’khol naf’sh’khem V’natati m’tar ar’tz’khem b’ito yoreh umal’kosh v’asaf’ta d’ganekha v’tirosh’kha v’yitz’harekha. -Prayer for hair, Deuteronomy 11:13-21

In addition to fear, dogs can smell confusion over other people’s names and from that, deduce that you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s why they’re barking right now – they can taste the flesh of Delmar and Gary already.

Take shits and gossip with each other? No, I’m afraid that’s only their little ruse, and it’s worked perfectly up until now.

He successfully campaigned to get that word accepted by Merriam-Webster and the New Oxford Dictionary, just so she could spell it for him. Also, so that people would finally have a word that clearly defines felching runoff from the perineum.

English majors: Is this an example of Dramatic Irony, or Situational Irony? Why? Please provide your arguments and cite at least one captcha as a source.

Pie: 4 cups flour 1 cup sugar 1 cup water 1 cup boltcutters

Police at the scene the next day couldn’t help but notice the embers and ashes seemed particularly warm and inviting, as they clutched their cups of cheap coffee, shivering in ineffectual mittens and parkas.

He assured them all this normally never happens. They nodded and nodded and nodded.

Available in French, Spanish, Italian or German, this wonderful learning program comes in 4 video cassette tapes, 2 audio cassette tapes, an activity book and a parent’s question and answer book. Such questions may include “Why is my child retarded,” the answer being “Because they could be watching Nicktoons instead of this.”

A second opinion wound up uncovering three polyps and a loose hangnail, but his HMO didn’t cover anything. A third opinion wound up uncovering that he secretly gets off on this stuff anyway.

He should try that Uberman sleep diet I’ve heard so much about. Apparently, you just get your body used to sleeping for several 20-minute naps a day, and pretty soon you’re magically appearing around corners, slamming teenagers against trees in their sleeping bags, and never dying even when shot, stabbed or crushed.

Even worse, it was the Avatar alien edition of the product, so Tim’s shame was colored in a sad blueish hue.

The smell of burning Clausflesh wafted into the night air, smoke pumping from the crackling chimney like a nuclear silo. It was days before police found the body in the boy’s coatroom – distracted, as it so happened, by the wife’s delicious homemade cookies every time they showed up on her doorstep for questioning. Their [...]

It’s at least better than the old JVC piece of crap he had, where you had to plug the camera directly into the VCR and record onto a blank VHS tape. Always a firm believer that “there are no wasted takes,” Video Dad would pop each tape out after a bum line reading, label it [...]

Yes Junior, the gift does, in fact, stink. But you get used to the smell. Then you get used to the screaming at 3 AM. Then, you get used to the upchucked formula sprayed all over the high-chair tray. Then, you get used to the embarrassing plane rides. Then, you get used to the constant [...]

They found his paramour in a truck stop south of the border, with five bricks of candy cane hash taped to her stomach and three more clogging up the toilet. They couldn’t stick him with anything, so he just spent a sleepless night in a holding cell while “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” blared [...]

Christmas Week begins at 5sf with a trip to Santa’s lap. And a brief foray into the wonderful lies that children tell to make us buy the DS games they actually want.

Even in our darkest times, there will be someone to light the way. This Christmas, Albino-Martyr SantaChrist is that someone.

Last week, they found cherry bombs in a kid’s shoes at the airport. There’s a connection here, but you won’t hear about it from the bought-and-paid-for, pro-children media.

As with all their shoots, Karen was stuck holding the boom pole. Sometimes figuratively, and that’s on tape too, by the by.

Everything came flooding back. Summers in the mountains of Germany. That night in the gondola, during the Festival of Lights. The next morning, Peruvian coffee on the marble veranda, overlooking the cay as the first sun of autumn dawned. It hurt, but the pot roast cook-off was the next day and fond memories make for [...]

Next time they hire someone, they better go through me first. I at least want to the see the resume, so we know what kind of person we’re burying in the backyard.

They teach this video as part of Advanced Spanish in public high schools. I can’t imagine why we’re only ranked 26th in the world in most subjects.

His next postcard came from Mexico City. “I’m probably going to die here, just so you know,” he wrote. He signed it with a :/ and never looked back.

They eventually got married anyway, but only on her insistence that the wedding take place entirely inside her mouth. Those who managed to stay inside long enough were very pleasantly surprised by the quality of the cake, the decor and the house band.

In fact, don’t turn on the shower or flush the toilet or use the sink, because the baby needs the breast milk there too.

In this episode of totally in-your-face celeb newsgossip, we track down P!nk and scream at her while she waits at a traffic light! Then we throw a bottle at Drake and demand he love us! Acknowledge us! Or just smile in our direction! Fuck you, Drake! I love you! Remember last year in Vegas? I [...]

The next one involves Chucky chasing him down on a giant lawnmower. The one after that puts him back in prison with the lawnmower, and Chucky’s the guard. Then after that, Chucky’s the girl, fondling the lawnmower, outside a prison. You decide which one’s worse.

Kelsey snapped up from her desk, suddenly awake. A blank, errant post-it note was stuck to her cheek. Her hand still gripped a pen, the ink from which had trailed off the page during her hangover-induced slumber. She looked around, just to make sure nobody saw. Flicking her hair behind her shoulders, she straightened her [...]

Man, that sweet prank totally went off without a hitch! Not like the one he tried last week, where he put alka-seltzer in his friend’s gas tank but fucked it up. Why do all the successful pranks end in murder?

The All-American Burger delivery guy isn’t much better. He just shows up with his buddies, shoots your parents, takes over your house, enslaves you, then gets into a huge fight with his buddies over the moral implications of doing all this, then begrudgingly lets you go but still puts you into a specific corner of [...]

Unfortunately, she got really lazy and it wound up being a miscarriage when she wasn’t paying attention. She shrugged indifferently and continued working on her entertainment gossip column.

Randall managed to stick around campus for a few more weeks, until he was ejected for visiting a Chuck E. Cheese without an accompanying child. No one would listen to his excuses about the pizza buffet simply being the best bang for your buck in town. Also, back then they called it Charles the Rat’s [...]

The apocalypse was swift. Tears flowed like wine and the sirens could barely be heard over the screaming. Children were ripped from their mothers and placed on a metallic slide that dropped them into either a holding cell, which pumped their innards with lard until The Pecking commenced, or into a raging fire that sauteed [...]

Upon hearing the actual punchline, they came right back and ravished him with caresses and coos. “More pet puns!” They moaned with aching desire. “Tell us more!” He laughed at them. “Why don’t you ladies just hush up and let Daddy toss a pun your way when he feels like it.” They nodded subserviently. Then [...]

What the shooter doesn’t know is that this guy is responsible for giving him that embarrassing porn DVD at last year’s white elephant Christmas party. Everyone laughed at him, but he would show these perverts and schemers. He’d show them all.

Their plan hit a snag when it became apparent that Frank wasn’t the company note-taker. As everyone was being Frank, no notes were taken and the entire meeting was a serious waste.

I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking: How on earth are his fingers strong enough to support his torso laterally like that and still play a halfway decent rag? Well, I guess that’s just one of life’s little mysteries.

It is, however, a bank holiday. And her father was a banker, before a donkey kicked him in the solar plexus and killed him on impact. He died in a field of dandelions, but they buried him with pink roses on November 16th, in a rumpled powder blue dress shirt, with a funeral procession led [...]

The first rule of pickpocketing is to get away fast. But you can’t outrun your needs forever.

Staff Sgt. William Blakewell emerged from that foxhole refreshed and ready for battle. He mowed down infantry after infantry, single-handedly turning the tide of his battalion’s heretofore dire situation in Saigon. In fact, it’s safe to say that a few sheets of 2-ply, and one brave soul who knew which pack they kept it in, [...]

Derek’s a hard one to read sometimes, but his best friend can always see right through him, no matter what he says to the contrary.

Friends don’t let friends do any less than 5 sets of 10 reps.

He’s among the cheaper “Incentive Hires,” but if you beat him, you get the power-up you need to defeat Wood Mouth.

Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.

Oh, but it’s not a game anymore.

They wound up not being that much alike, but the school board of hospitality paired them up in the dorms years ago when they both listed “The Shawshank Redemption” among their favorite movies. Anyway, they found a pretty reasonable equilibrium despite their differences.

It’s going to be difficult, coming to terms with how hard Jeffy threw him years ago. But maybe someday, they’ll reach an understanding. Not a reconciliation – the wounds go too deep for that – but an understanding, maybe, some sweet imagined day.

Fittingly, the Star-Child is just a baby version of Justin Bieber, but with slightly broader shoulders.

It’s your civic duty to choose how you want to get fucked. Wear that “I Voted” sticker with pride, you slut.

Worley eventually filed this as work-related research for writing on “Terriers,” and got a sizeable tax deduction for all the Her Pleasure condoms and Colt .45 he spent.

Ripoff. It doesn’t even cradle the balls.

“He’s got his audience by the short-and-curlies! Why, they’re positively scared stiff! As they should be…STDs are no laughing matter. Usually, they’re more yellow matter, or clear, or even green! But whatever your color may be, do be safe this Hallow’s Eve, kiddies – because Lester Bones just got a check up at the Freak [...]

“Is your murder machine having a misfortunate malfunction? You know what they say…the first cut is the cheapest! O, but let’s give our poor customer a hand – preferably the one half-buried outside of McKinley Park! Otherwise, he’ll have to exchange his saw for store deadit! All right, that one was a bit of a [...]

“Talk about putting your problems on ice! But if this cool customer doesn’t stay frosty, he might get thrown in the cooler by the long arm of the thaw! At which point he will then be sodomized in prison.”

“Things are really heating up for poor Kelsey, aren’t they? Just thinking about her fiery fate gives me the chills! Wait, that doesn’t make any sense! Maybe it has something to do with the scare conditioning in this dungeon! Bahahahahahahaha!!”

“Ah! Hello, weary traveler, and welcome to 5-Second Films’ Halloween Week! I’ll be your ghoulish guide for all the kookiness and all the spookiness! We’ve got quite a crop of creepy clips, so don’t go anywhere…wouldn’t want you to die of boredom! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” – Lester Bones, manic skeleton / punsmith

Getting a reality show on E! Entertainment about your family’s ca-razy hijinks is a lot easier if you don’t broadcast your intentions to do so. Sadly, as it was with the Falcon family and Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, our miner friend here had a lot to learn about playing Hollywood politics, and soon found himself waving [...]

Turns out your adult conscience manifests itself as the most innocuous memory possible from your childhood, and proceeds to harp on you whenever you’re about to make a worse decision than snapping into a fake beef product.

They learned all too quick the side effects of prolonging a relationship past its breaking point just for the sex. The side effects were minimal. And the sex was fantastic.

It’s the first instance of 3D Rear Projection ever attempted.

Astronomers reported an unusually large caliber over the southern region of the surrounding area. Bystanders who were lucky enough to catch a once-in-a-lifetime Marauder Star tried capturing it on their iPhones, but wound up deleting it after a month or two when they decided it wasn’t really that cool anyway.

His boundless enthusiasm fooled cops into thinking he really had a Day Pass. With great power comes great irresponsibility, they say.

You’d think brandishing a broken bottle would make the kissing even hotter. You’d be ____________

His facebook status now reads “It’s Complicated,” with “No one.” Then your monitor bursts into flames after five seconds.

Nor, in fact, were there multiple “suckers” to say “so long” to. Later on, he went to the coffee shop and gave them incorrect change, and parked in the red zone.

Saying “Shhhhhhh” only makes it worse. Or better, depending on your perspective.

She’s gonna have to shop at the Big & Tall store. Or Ross Dress-For-Less, whichever she hasn’t absent-mindedly crushed first.

Dan returned the black light to the party store the next day. When they asked him why he was bringing the item back, he just stared at them. Right in the eyes, for a long while. Then he said “I don’t want to learn things about people anymore,” and he walked out without receiving his [...]

Why, might you ask, was his friend standing there watching him take a shit? If you don’t know the answer to this question, you’ve A) never lived in the city of Detonation, Minnesota, or B) you haven’t yet watched the end of this 5sf.

The original ending involved Rick and Ilsa running away laughing as Victor Bonszlo was gunned down in the plane by mimes. Needless to say, Warner Brothers swiftly ordered a reshoot where the plane explodes for good measure.

wHy LIe? iTs FoR BaBY FoRMulA.

As he stopped for gas, in the untraceable car his client provided, he noticed something odd. No one was there to take his money at the pump. A swingset creaked forlornly in an abandoned playground nearby. The local dam had dried up and the area Craigslist hadn’t made a new post in minutes. He was [...]

You can never be too safe when it comes to protecting your organ vases. Although every client they’ve ever worked for has reported missing short intestines, and nobody knows the stone combinations except the dealer…wait a second…

Just to clarify: No, there isn’t a single appliance at the 5sf House that doesn’t talk. Yes, they’ve unionized.

What followed was an argument, followed by a groping, five promises, a new cutesy shared catchphrase, two bittersweet memories, an attempt at cooking mac & cheese that resulted in forgotten grocery purchases, three fights over implied infidelity, a weak attempt at levity after four room-clearing silences, and finally the world’s two most bitter facebook updates. [...]

Okay, so maybe The History Channel ran out of actual history and started to make shit up. But you can’t deny, this is just as plausible as “Ice Road Truckers.”

I guess you could say he’s…(puts on angel wings) knock-knock-knockin’ on Heaven’s Doors. HEAVENLYYYYYYYY CHORUSSSSSSSS

To get them to agree to a second date, you have to take a pop-up quiz with a bunch of stupid questions like “Do I look fat in this?” and “How many triangles are inside this giant triangle?”

They couldn’t get the clown ambulance to the clown hospital on time, since Bippo, Zoopy, Flim-Flam, Jecky and Stokes all insisted on doing Chinese fire drills at every stop light.

Are you not entertained? We could go somewhere else, if you are not entertained…no, it’s okay, I want you to have a good time. It didn’t cost that much money to get in here. There’s a nicer coliseum up the street, did you want to…what’s that? Oh, you have to go? Well, do you need [...]

You can also get Jumping Phoenix and Hunched Over a Mirrored Coffee Table Phoenix to complete your set!

If you mash that same combo of buttons during the “Winners Don’t Use Drugs” screen before the game starts up, it unlocks a secret character: You, as a 10-year-old, before you discovered girls or pot or good music. It’s weird to watch Boss American rip your head off, for sure.

I need more time, dammit! Preferably 3-5 minutes, perhaps more depending on whether I just woke up or not!

I actually had to go to work that morning, but I chose to let my car sit there in that spot, just so my neighbor could see my handiwork. I got fired and boy was it worth it.

The Jug of Booze With No Name wasn’t a really good moniker, so the townsfolk just call him Randy.

Don’t get caught in a water trap. It’s pure vodka.

When I failed my driver’s test the first time, I was pretty upset. People younger than me were driving already, and I was denied access to that all-important Next Step Into Adulthood. I went for an angry jog to take my mind off of it, and then a skull with wings chased me into a [...]

Perhaps in a desperate bid to retain viewership (okay, definitely in a desperate bid to retain viewership), producers of Channel 5 Action News at 7 paid homeless people and assorted ne’er-do-wells to continue messing around with Joe’s wife. Some even went as far as to suggest she was a woman of ill-repute in well-attended coffee [...]

His cover of Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, I’m Extremely Rich” is pretty pedestrian. But the acoustics make everything sound better down there.

Casual Fridays involve stripping naked, spinning in a gyroscope, having purple juice injected into your wrists, and being assimilated by a hovering Power Cube that knows your entire, pitiful life story. And if you’re promoted to upper management, you might as well rip out your eyes. Because, where you’re going…

If you train hard enough, you can even lick your butt just like a cat, except that’s really more for your benefit than the girl’s. Or perhaps it isn’t even for your benefit.

It’s as if the invisible, universal force that tossed him the sunglasses just knew…that last one was IT.

Late one night, lightning struck a modern art and design gallery in SoHo. The centerpiece of the foyer, a giant chair, was missing come sunup. Intrepid explorer and professional child-thief Brent Halloway was tasked with finding it. His journey…ends here.

Misplaced revenge for Kelsey’s extreme boner kill last week? Perhaps.

Even in the future, your dad won’t hook up the cables right and the spaceships will kill you at a punishingly un-cinematic 60i framerate.

Is C-Pain really dead? It’s up to you. All you have to do is never make another Horatio Caine / CSI: Miami / Sunglasses pun. And maybe, just maybe, if you believe in C-Pain hard enough, he’ll come back!! Otherwise, he’s totally dead.

The break room’s also got ping-pong, pinball, billiards, shuffleboard, and a wall to hit your head against over and over. Guess which gets the most use.

A lot of the beans slip through the cracks of the grill, bein’ beans ‘n’ all. We use all them ashy beans to ward off our cockroach problems an’ so it kinda evens out.

Her gaze is enough to ice any tall one. But this morning, she tangoed with the wrong dude-tube.

They’ve been dueling ever since their wagon train broke down on that foggy mountain.

The previous owner continued to get calls from his Craigslist ad “PLEASE DESTROY THIS AND TAKE IT AWAY!! $20 OBO” for days afterward. He probably should have lowered the price.

But you know what’s not a game? The pain that was caused when (insert bluster, overly fawning phone call, some kind of Hitler reference)

Behold, the first 5sf documentary ever filmed.

Hide the Jiffy Lube.

It actually carries so far, you can get better reception with it than AT&T. Although that doesn’t count for much.

While reverse polarity does repel butterfaces from the field, it does in fact attract bros, so be warned if you’re tired of watching Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day.

Each iteration of TV pitchman Jon Worley gets more and more “HD.” So yeah, fuckin’ buy it already because it’s HD, you stupid, buzzword-guzzling neanderthal.

He had pineapple shrimp curry for lunch anyway, so his breath just cancelled out the whole intended effect.

Expect a call from Simmons’ lawyers about “breach of remembering which facepaint is mine” or some bullshit like that.

His charming way of twisting the English language even got the judge to laugh his way into a full pardon. Didn’t say he was from Chico, or anything. He’s just that good with the wordplay.

Note to self: Do not set a cat on fire outside a gas station while gargling methamphetamines to the tune of 50 Cent’s “In My Hood,” ever again. That’s for lesser people.

Her super baby wound up shooting laser beams out of its hands, decapitating the doctors cleanly and painlessly. When she told her baby that was overcompensating, he turned to her and said, “The world’s smartest man poses no more threat to me than does its smartest termite.”

Marks Toys sold these “Snake’m Prank’m Cans” for one glorious summer in 1984, and ever since they discontinued production, it’s become something of a collector’s item. Mainly in Thailand, for whatever reason.

His will left his AHHHHHHH to his GGGBBBBB(radio static). The family lawyer could do nothing about it.

Frustrated at the lack of job opportunities for skilled lovers who’ve been around the block a few times and know a few things about life that some fancy schmancy degree can’t teach you, Barry contacted a local video productions company to track him over the course of a wild, hellish couple of decades, in the [...]

He then walked around from party to party, despondent at the lack of female attention, until he noticed another flyer tacked to a telephone pole. “NO INTERESTING WAY TO IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL TO CO-EDS?” The flyer read. “TALK ABOUT HOW YOU DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE!” Suddenly, it all made sense: His dad was [...]

When your field is the San Diego Comic-Con, the “money play” involves a shy Asian girl in a Princess Leia Slave Bikini and a photocopied lanyard pass. Co-starring Greg Sestero, Cyanide & Happiness, Edd and Tom Ska!

Sure, these guys wound up in a murder-filled Kill Paradox when last they invented time travel, but all that can be ameliorated with a few dozen more attempts at rectifying the future with sweet sweet booze.

Faster than a cayenne pepper-inspired bowel movement. More powerful than a fish diet rich in anti-oxidants! Able to leap tall stacks of health magazines with theories and research that cancel each other out…in a single bound!

Mrs. Blaumfgartner coughed loudly, and with a purpose. Her eyes were staring directly at the student in the back of the class. The scribbling of pencils dribbled to a stop. Soon, only the tick-tock of the second hand could be heard. Everyone knew Jimmy was in for it this time. “So, what sort of life-affirming [...]

She read “The Game.” She knows what’s up. Now it’s time to select a mark from the group, demonstrate her value, establish kino, and ditch the baby in a swing somewhere while they go make out behind a Red Robin.

It gets the towel from the bedroom. It does this whenever it’s hungover.

As you can see, it takes us a little while to savage pop culture news so excellently, because getting the perfect joke is just worth it. You know, the sad truth is, Mel Gibson is a good enough filmmaker to have made a better 5sf about this whole thing.

He’ll steal your heart. He’ll tug your gag reflex. He’ll command himself to literally, actually, truly throw up on your arm, as he’s capable of doing.

Gaze upon my works, ye mighty, and make googly sounds.

Their rivalry was born out of a severe self-hatred and a particularly masochistic therapist.

Well, it’s better than the Mel Gibson version, don’t you agree? No seriously, you have to agree now. Starring Peter Stormare!

All the slashfic they created together, all the gruff in-game cybering, all the obscured n00dz they sent each other – it all changed. Well, except his n00dz. Actually, they were kind of a dead giveaway. If she cleaned her monitor more, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

The government’s plan to weaponize food items by making them act like Boo from the Mario Bros. games was going well, until one specimen got loose. Apparently, no one had their eye on it and he just hovered, half-invisibly, through the walls.

For the low price of $39.99 a month, and the moderate displeasure of sitting through some pre-roll ads for Rosetta Stone language software, you can harness the power of a true LQ (Laser Quest) master. The first two chapters include “Dogfighting” methodology, and a stern warning not to engage in the dishonorable practice of “Birthday [...]

If you have to ask, don’t. If you don’t have to ask, go away.

Flower Power meets Fire Power. No buzz will be left un-harshed. Featuring Peter Stormare!

Can’t poke holes in an IUD. Unless you’re a crafty one.

Raised by a fearsome father named Fo-to in the “Sha-hp” Clan, the young beast learned to stalk his unsuspecting prey by setting “keyframes” in his mind to create a “path” of sorts, leading directly to his next meal.

Bustin’ out a sweet ‘sault is easy when you follow three simple steps. Not these steps, or this location, or in the presence of a cat in a harness, but I’m pretty sure there are three steps and that they’re simple.

Their love was hot, contagious, and took place in a zone of sorts, not unlike the Ebola Zaire-themed novel “The Hot Zone.”

The combustibility of Premium brand beer is in sharp contrast to beers with low kerosene content, like your garden-variety pilsners or your mostly pedestrian lagers. In fact, a six-pack of Premium can get a commercial-size 18-wheeler over the hill on Highway 17 in Northern California. We discovered this fact during last year’s 4OJ and frankly [...]

He seemed so innocent when she got him at the pound. Little did she know he was raised by whores. Nice whores, mind you, just whores who wound up not being able to have a cat stay with them at the whorehouse.

They’re cool about fire safety. They recycle, reduce, reuse, and close the loop. But when it comes to having fun and being safe, elbow pads continue to elude the gang.

Most any board game can be used to work out your relationship issues, except Don’t Wake Daddy. Unless that’s your issue right there.

A source close to Kelsey says, “He’s a Leo, which contrasts with her sign. She wants a baby and he can’t commit. He’s jealous of her fame and they fight constantly. Any other fabricated, cotton candy, uninteresting, C-level soap opera, regurgitated bullshit you want me to spout about these two horrible people I’ve never met? [...]

If you put him in the dishwasher, he’ll get really angry, but if you wash him by hand, he’ll start telling you the same war stories over and over. So no one eats off him and he just gets really lonely.

Ben wound up losing 10 pounds that night, but it was all sugar-water weight.

Yes, yes, we know. 2 video game-related 5-second films in a row?! But such is the power of sweet, sweet games. We love games! GIVE US MOAR GAMES!

They were victims of Super Bigorexia 64, and doctors soon weaned them off the juice by playing 8-bit racing games. Then, shitty movie tie-in games. Finally, they got clean.

They even got him to autograph their divorce settlement with his kidney.

He walks around, finding girls from subway stations to park benches, handing out cards that advertise his ability to provide “Honey, Rose Petels (sic), Candles, and Bubble Baths.” Rejection followed him at every turn, until one day he met a girl who couldn’t take her eyes off him. A girl whose jaw remained permanently agape [...]

Jan’s Weirdling abilities extended further, allowing her to cook Rice-A-Roni 1.5x faster and to always have a classic Milton Berle joke on hand for any given situation. But they didn’t extend much further than that.

Mrbleh, I’m waiting until they release a version that does glassless 3-D by tracking your head. Playing Doodlejump would be sweet with that shit.

Had British Petroleum bothered to research the “Bros Icing Bros” phenomenon, this horrible disaster could have been averted. Sadly, their ignorance was our loss, as we were forced to watch a high-ranking executive at the troubled company chug an excruciating amount of malt liquor, with absolutely no clear way to stop it.

sky captains log, cloud date #whatever. discovered 500 obscure new bands from overhead. our new goal will be to try and circle around the globe once before they get produced by butch vig and sell out lol

Most of the time, he just shakes mathletes down for drug money. This is the most action he’s gotten in weeks.

If you google image search “Electrocuted Surfer Corpse,” he’s the 4th thing to come up. Right behind three pictures of naked chicks.

The paramedics found him later, having stolen Dr. Halfstaff’s scrubs and assorted medical equipment. He was trying to choke himself a bit with the catheter. “Just a few more minutes,” he wheezed out in his inimitable baritone. It later cost the city $25,000 to dismantle the city-wide apparatus.

It’s just another wacky day in the life of the (slightly) underground metal cover duo, Enter Sandmen.

Mischevio the Fridgegnome was out of ammo after that. He tried using the two-year-old hot sauce in the upper shelf of the fridge door, but nobody touched that stuff and neither, he tragically came to realize, would he.

Their gig at Rudy’s Senior Discount Summer Nights Bash got really out of hand. D’Artagnan did a keg stand off of the barbasol tank, Jensen mainlined a thick stream of heroin for two minutes straight, Aloysious saw into another dimension and Franklin became a bullgod.

Moving in a SmartCar makes you 140x better at Tetris. In some cases, you can even drive into the elevator and park right outside your new apartment door.

In order to make the parts necessary for an oversized trap, the rats gathered together in the shape of a human, clambered into a suit, and traipsed down to the Silver Spring lumberyard. Unfortunately, their cover was blown, as any human knows you don’t wear a suit to a lumberyard, and the rats dispersed immediately. [...]

The community frowned on his coaching the little league baseball team, particularly since their name was the Willing Duplicates.

After this, it’s time to pick a pair of cargo shorts, Tivas, and trim the facial hair until only the neckbeard remains unshaven. And then it’s time to troll the internet.

Later, she examined her stomach to find that it turned into a swirling vortex of early-90′s CG flesh balls. Rousselet’s flying golden head hovered outside, wondering if he should knock on her door with his mind, or if it would be too creepy.

Send a self-addressed envelope with appropriate postage to ASK A LOBSTER, Chicago IL, 60652. Questions will be answered in the order they are received. No question too long, no answer too wrong!

Mr. Silly jerks off to this video when he’s on one of his Xanax jags.

They proceeded to trip balls over a quart of Cherry Garcia, while Orianthi blasted in the background like an underwater funeral dirge and Hugh Grant’s cackling face began to stretch out of the TV screen.

TIME Magazine called it “The Neatest, Tidiest, Quietest Horrifying Plane Tragedy of All Time,” but it still ate up entire seconds of filming time and set the production back to five whole minutes past lunch.

People were actively trying to stop Sminkle from making tourism ads at this point – some going as far as baking cupcakes with “Don’t Do It” written in frosting – but he forged ahead. It would prove to be his undoing.

In case you were wondering, yes, the grocery store clerk really is saying a complete, grammatically correct sentence over the intercom. Any guesses? C’mon, it’s only 30% harder to hear than most of our 5sfs.

The cockroach then held Rousselet’s prized beer collection at knifepoint, and quizzed him on whether the transformation was an example of dramatic irony. Rousselet was led astray by thinking too much about Kafka’s “Metamorphosis,” and his answer was insufficiently cryptic.

Ever since GE merged with GM, salesmen have been trying hard to move these hybrid vehicles off the lot.

R.P. is wanted by police in 24 states. But not as much as he wants them.

Ever wonder what happened to that little THX robot handyman with the jetpack? Rouss has him tied up and buried alive underneath the 20th Century Fox logo.

The last time a vicious cycle like this got started, Jon came home with a pet rhino which laid eggs in Brian’s chest, fully incubating three days later and sending a swarm of little rhinos directly into Jon’s ribcage.

This, in turn, led to a very testy argument between Ben and Peter that only got angrier and loudier and gunnier, until Peter shot his gun in self-defense. The cops came almost as fast as the fire trucks. Unsure of where to hide his murder weapon in a house full of suspicious bric-a-brac, Peter realized [...]

Based on a true story. Except instead of the ticket saying “I Love You,” it said “$60.00″ and “We Need to Talk.”

Silver Spring County Jail is about to get a whole lot classier.

There’s a setting for Backhanded Compliments, if all you want to do is briefly disarm your assailant/frenemy, but no one ever, ever uses it.

He’s got a license…to miss. “MISS, LIKE THIS 5SF DID!” There, beat you to it. “I’LL BEAT YOU TO YOUR FACE!” Is that some kind of threat? “YES, I’M OUTSIDE OF YOUR APARTMENT RIGHT NOW!” Holy shit, you are. “NOW I’M INSIDE YOUR APARTMENT!” Dude, I’m sorry I beat you to your comment. “APOLOGIES MEAN [...]

On the next episode of “Intervention,” a neglected black cat, an underpaid mariachi band and friends convene to save Jon and Brian from themselves. Led by abuse and recovery counselor Officer Sminkle.

Launched in the wake of Joe Camel, this ad campaign was intended to rebrand cigarettes for a new era. One where they’re totally fuckin’ awesome and you’ll look like Steve McQueen jumping over ten flaming alligators in a 1988 Kawasaki ZX-10. It worked so well, you have emphysema. What’s that? You don’t smoke? You did [...]

It’s kind of his default question for everything. Last week, he was at an intersection and his light turned green right as Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” kicked into the chorus. He was so convinced he was headed for a mystical nether realm of intrigue and wonder that he wound up accidentally jack-knifing a minivan [...]

It all started when Kelsey floated into the break room one day and found Olivia and Johnny Blaze laughing. Some joke about a bear, in a bar or something. They stopped chuckling almost immediately when she came in. She nodded quietly and got a freeze-dried snack bar from the food tank. Then she left, and [...]

I’m always one to dig up an old gag from Milton Berle’s Private Joke File, so as you can no doubt imagine, I’m quite familiar with the taste of Knuckle. It tastes better than being ignored. But then again, most objects taste better than abstract concepts anyway.

Jonathan “Jack” Blaze was a man of integrity. A traveler of the cosmos. A skeleton.

“I’m ten horses,” Nick failed to realize, was actually an elaborate acronym, which stood for “It’s My True Embodiment, Nick – Horses, Or Rather, Several Equestrian Steeds.” It still meant the same thing, and it was still a lie.

It happens every day. Rousselet opens up the mirrored medicine cabinet, gets out his Cialis, closes the cabinet door – and reveals his reflection, snacking on some delicious breakfast pastries. It’s not even scary these days.

His DMV test was a hellride of Machiavellian twists, turns, human speed bumps, exploded raccoons, fermented rubber and overuse of turn signals. But he took it in Chico, so he passed.

Breakups and juicers are a dangerous combo. A tasty combo. A dangerously tasty combo. The taste of danger. Danger tastes bitter.

Disaster struck, tragically, when one of the foremen told Wrecker to “Stay still,” and Wrecker got excited, thinking a treat was in store. Thousands were brutally crushed. 4/21 commemorative plates will soon be available to order off your TV.

The only way to bounce back from a major buzzkill like this is to put on some palm tree sunglasses (so no-one notices your cataracts) and saunter down to the local taco truck for some Tostadoritachos. Then get mad when they tell you only Taco Bell serves made-up shit. Then saunter over to Taco Bell.

…order a few drinks, get into a rocketship and go to Planet Bear. Yeah. Now you know why the bouncer threw them out.

Some people just want to fill the world with silly love songs. Macca looks around and sees demons that need to be cleansed from the Earth.

Those paper-saving air dryers never get your hands completely dry. Starring Brian McElhaney and Nick Kocher from BriTANicK!

His foolish pride now served as his greatest folly. The whole night he would wander the dangerous, boot- and laser-filled streets of Silver Spring.

Truman’s plan to just wait for the whole DVD set to come out proved effective, though many lives were lost when the Germans double-dipped them with a pricey collector’s edition eight months later.

Some may accuse us of being joke thieves. Well, it goes both ways, and all we can say is, don’t walk in our park and we won’t walk in yours. Unless you’ve got clean restrooms.

Coincidentally, these guys wound up being the last three people on Chatroulette, ever. Because then the internet exploded.

She reached for the check, in an attempt to at least make up for the awkwardness that was more or less her fault. But then he insisted on paying, because of “all the medical bills” she must have been going through. She countered with a small laugh and an off-handed remark about “all the shit-tons [...]

The trenchant wit of 5-Second Films, LLC is finally unleashed unto the rich, fertile soil of political satire. And lo, what fruits do our seeds of genius bear!

Side effects may include commenting about Olivia. Consult your doctor, especially if he has hot nurses.

All their mom wanted was for Allen to find a home. But they wound up finding something even better…each other. Starring Nick Kocher and Brian McElhaney from BriTANicK!

Even still, the coming months were pretty booked for them. Cholera in November, midwifing throughout February. They should have just rented out a message board in the town square to really sync up dates before the spring, when things got so hectic.

This April Fool’s Day, enjoy our crack at a shitty, shitty website prank as Boxcar the Telekat and Brian read to you some choice comments from a recent 5sf page, “Jenny Quickdeath Identifies the Body.” Who knows, maybe something you wrote made it in the video! Aren’t you excited.

The Chico Department of Publicity actually tried to pay Officer Sminkle to stop making these ads, but he persisted under the delusion that they would eventually “go viral.” Of course, this was back in 1993, and Sminkle was obviously referring to the dusting of chlamydia he put on every video cassette tape.

I don’t typically understand jokes related to the Reconstruction (particularly the election of 1872), and I especially don’t when I’ve had a fifth of bourbon and fireworks are going off all around my face. Mike should be thankful I even remembered it in the morning.

They proceeded to get in a long argument over whether she was still dreaming, which dovetailed into a knock-up, drag-sideways discussion about how his annoying friends keep birthing kittens out of their mouths. As always.

Most of it will, sadly, involve “Erin E-Surance” cosplay. Purple wigs don’t come cheap.

The appetizers range from the relatively cheap Rejection Letter From A Longtime Girlfriend to the more pricey Parents Telling You the Divorce is All Your Fault.

No man gets left behind. Or too much teeth.

Sir Victor von Pugglesworth was crowned a Lord in the year of our Queen 1685. To be reduced to a common streetwalker – simply because his girth could cause a hundred bears to blush – is the ultimate ignominy.

The healthcare bill passed. Don’t tell Sleepy Ben. He won’t hear you, he’s too busy sleeping! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The clock was ticking. The killer had 6 scrolls left for Mendoza to find. And his hostage, Walter “The Wizard” Scoggins, was held hostage in a barbershop pole factory. Mendoza put out an APB for the fastest, least willing-to-read-a-regular-book 1st graders. All they could do now was pray.

After a forty-hour marathon session, the Committee finally came to a thoughtful, 342-page agreement on the division and usage of the family minivan during fiscal-year weekdays. Weekends, however, are still being debated.

Frankovski Paulsonivich felt his heart beating like the Soviet hammer. His breath was hot in the death-cold rain and his gun was heavy with bullets, bullets full with names. But also it was raining and he sort of basically needed an umbrella.

Being a centruck ain’t easy. First off all, you don’t clear any drive-thru overhang, so that perk is history. Second, all your friends hit you up to move single boxes, just because they know you’re not doing anything. And third, you can’t help but be turned on when you gas up, and that’s so embarrassing.

He’s faithful. He’s trustworthy. He’s here to guide you through puberty with a firm paw and a strong sense of virtue.

And it was. It was good enough for him. His report even said so: “Good enough for me.” It was the shortest report ever and it made no sense.

His brother, always one to try and copy Truck’s genius with wordplay, had his name legally changed to “Ama Pan,” but never found the chance to have his last name spoken first in any setting. Plus, he lost his Halen tape anyway.

When you grow up putting Digiorno’s into your sister’s Easy-Bake Oven, every day you spend alive is kind of a small miracle.

Worse yet, he was trying to tie it into a pitch for the Chop-Wow.

The Steeries, often referred to the industry as “the Super Bowl for sleep apnea sufferers,” are sadly overshadowed by the Crushies, which are generally regarded as the better predictor of who will win the coveted Eulogies.

The inspirational, feel-good, lift you up, happy smiley tears, oh-look-honey-the-sun-is-wearing-sunglasses, coke-bottle-in-your-hand movie of the year. Now smashed together with the bluest, longest, James-Horniest, oh-look-honey-this-planet-glows-like-that-Billie-Jean-music-video, furry-fever-dream movie of all time.

Mzxlpltxzyl always opens up meta-reality portals to punishingly bleak urban melodramas, and C-Pain always jumps in them. What am I supposed to do? Wait patiently outside and treat the subject matter with the sensitivity it deserves? That’s my cat in there, dammit!

Pixar does it again. Enabling an entire subsection of society that’s steeped in delusion about death and pros at bone preservation.

A Prankster’s work is never done, at least until his girlfriend asks him why he thinks carving into blackout drunks’ heads is still cool when it’s not still the 9th grade.

Oscar Week begins with our take on the story of a young girl with a heart full of love to give, and a bedroom packed with ways to exploit it. Schwing.

I know what some of you might say. “How could any party be lame with Kelsey and Olivia there?” Well, they were talking about Spanx for the better part of three hours, and insisted on an all-Van Morrison party soundtrack. So there’s your answer, internet.

He’d rather be slashing the mayor’s tires or be playing Pokemon: Petty Larceny, but this at least gets him out of school for the day.

When the Chico Department of Publicity hired their most trustworthy cop, Officer Sminkle, to do a series of promotional tapes back in ’93, this was the result.

He’s like the Neal Cassady of Filipino-town, offering lacksadaisical wisdom and profoundly simple truths while never ever giving up a single cup of his precious sugar.

In the ER, he comforted himself with the thought of at least sparing the world another actual fart joke. And then he died.

Nothing can prepare you for the moment where Perry the Parrot’s neck snaps right as the rope pulls taut, and he swings back and forth like a pendulum, with only the sound of a heartbeat slowly dying as the screen fades to black. Because it redefines family fun!

His favorite band is…wait for it…wait for it…__________________ (guess)

The fact that some people out there may not know the answer to this question the second they hear it is probably the same reason why cougars are back in style these days.

They’re just not quite doing it how Mom used to do it. The drowning effect requires that “Mom” touch, y’know?

Bernanke rescinded his status as Foreign Policy Magazine’s Number 1 Global Thinker, and proceeded to take a long hot bath with a sharp knife and a precariously balanced toaster.

It’s still a better date flick than Valentine’s Day, particularly since the filmmakers don’t skimp on the nudity here.

DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS A SCREENING FOR NEGLECTED OLDER WOMEN WHO IRONICALLY HAVE A WEIRD THING FOR UNDERAGE WEREWOLVES ONLY.

Life is like a box of student loans. You never know how much DNA you have to sell to pay ‘em off.

For once, we’ll let the artists speak about their work in this exclusive, fascinating roundtable discussion about the highly controversial work “Fruit Slam!” With Jon Salmon, Brian Firenzi, and Maria Louisa Walley.

She’s just a big sunshiny ball of rainbows and orderliness, right when you walk in the door. The coffee is strong but sweet and the copier only gets busted on Mondays. She’s even great at keeping renegade perverts outside. And all she asks for is a little goosing every now and then to lift her [...]

Some people watch for the commercials. Some people watch because they rigged it and want to collect big. Me, I watch for the thunderous bullgods in black-and-white stripes to come raining down on the field like hellfire.

Ever since he was a kid and Moloch the Genie granted him a wish for “NBA Jam to be like real life,” he’s had to deal with this on and off. But it never stops surprising him, for some reason.

His buttery voice makes the $500-an-hour thing go down like Cherry Pepsi with a side of pre-nup.

The plane. The island. The smoke monster. The last ten plot twists. The last fifty cliffhangers. Each one made out of delicious, succulent Swiss chocolate! Literally, not even just in metaphorical terms!

Say what you want about all the pounding, Jerry really cleans up after himself and generally pays his rent on time. Particularly since we’ve trained his carrier pigeon to report to us first with any suspicious letters.

It’s a trip they’ll never forget when Duane, Hopper and Mark barge it to TJ for some tail…literally! With 15 minutes of untamed, unrated, and un-out of control footage deemed way too hilariously spicy for…the theaters…that this piece of shit would never be screened in.

Better than having to sit through yet another creative writing class filled with their bad poetry about tumbleweeds. Harsh, but true.

Falling in love with your relationship counselor is typical, particularly when he comes in such a soft, rich, luxurious velour.

Ever since the liver lost a majority share in the company, his needs are being met less and less. His contract states that he still has to perform the necessary functions for another thirteen years, but he’s working with his lawyer on speeding that up to four. It all depends on whether getting light beer [...]

They really sold out with their second album. Just a bunch of screamo radio fodder. Great tracks on this first record, though.

Never give giant, sentient balls of hair three months of detail working in the metal shop. They’re too crafty.

The littlest things seem to warrant the biggest fanfare to him. Like for example, last week he turned on his windshield wipers, and with an overzealous “Boom goes the dynamite,” enveloped our entire universe in a Technicolor hellscape.

Hennipen County PD was getting a lot of complaints about the ethics involved in having a security camera catch traffic violations. So they used the budget surplus they got from last year’s chili cook-off to buy SAURON8000.

Cleaning your space garage is easy. Saying goodbye to beloved friends is hard. Make your choice.

Some secrets are so shocking, not even the coolest appliances can keep from commenting.

The females of their species tend to go crazy if you show up dressed particularly sharp. We suggest a non-aggressive pair of inexpensive sunglasses. Do not bring any women on Zzafari with you who may have pretty legs, as this can cause the animals to exert dominance with guitar solos.

And what’s worse, it always purloins the loose change under the cushions and comes back with black market DVDs and Cuban stogies.

He’s bad. He’s mad. He’s one cat who can’t be had. He’s the most untrustworthiness, scurviest, deal-makin’, steal-takin’ bag of bones. We’re just talkin’ ’bout Dealbreaker Jones! Catch his slightly more honorable twice-separated brother, Stone Jones, on Facebook!

Those hipsters will drink anything if cokemachineglow.com tells them that Xiu Xiu is drinking it.

Based on a true story, just like “The Blind Side.” Also, contains more murder than “The Blind Side.”

Still better than Indian food.

Whenever the gang gets snowed inside, they always break out the stories. What mirthful flashbacks of whimsy and well-spent youth! And yes, that is a Donald Duck hat.

For those of you wondering why the Dungeon Master is throwing the dice, this isn’t Dungeons & Dragons. It’s Fantasy Football, and he’s the General Manager.

They met at a T.G.I. Friday’s. She was at a business dinner, he was busy shooting off fireworks. A Roman Candle grazed her Jack Daniel’s Ribs, and, well, things just progressed from there.

Episode 512: At his wit’s end with this kiddie show crap, Mr. Silly retreats to his master chambers to drink straight rye and smoke menthols. But Ben won’t be having any of that, not while there’s still Imagination to be had!

They still managed to land the plane successfully on the tongue, and did a talk-show circuit in the long intestine. Their quickly-produced, ghostwritten memoir “Miracle on Baby Tongue” should be bursting out any day now.

As the year comes to a close, it’s time to look at the ones around you, cherish that your friendships have lasted so long, and seriously question them for buying that copy of “Elephunk.”

Naturally, you’ll cut open a vital artery trying to slice the tomato and you’ll die on the next page. These books always taught you a lot about the world.

Because if she IS late, Zanderflex ain’t goin’ to no Planned Parenthood. He’s goin’ to ‘ZAND PARENTHOODqwycbdjnskwqu7d9g!f

They need to get their heads out of the past and start thinking about their futures as human relations consultants for a zombie marketing firm.

It’s the thought of the endless, infinite, terrible stretch of Grants that counts.

He snipes you when you’re stealing, he knows when you’re not breathing.

it was the winter of ’69. change was in the air. also the flu. Trina and Mark didn’t hit it off right away, she was too busy with her social work to pay attention to his clumsy passes at her. But they shared something that season, something magical, and like all good things, it too [...]

And he did. He went to Hell.

First you get the candy. Then, you get the gifts. Then, you get the women.

Some people will do anything to avoid being lonely during the holidays. Warm up the cocoa for Christmas Week.

Wind erosion, as it turns out, has a child’s sense of humor.

This is what happens when you win an entire set of appliances on a game show. They’re all conditioned to think you like this kind of shit on a regular basis.

Neighbors reported hearing some scattered, forced laughter, a heartwarming family lesson learned, and a mighty “EURRUHHH???” sounding over the nearby fences. But with no real witnesses and the house seemingly erased from existence, the police were forced to file it under “Missing Persons” after a thorough and fruitless investigation.

It seems like an epidemic of Hilarious Wind is sweeping the nation, isn’t it? Scientists are hard at work to discover the key to this curious, hilarity-related phenomenon.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t get killed in the war from letting a draft in. It’s being in close spaces around all those other cooped-up soldiers that actually does it to you.

You don’t want to see what they do when they need extensions. Most can’t handle the sight of all the blood.

It’s only time to call Poison Control when he starts busting out the Bailey’s nog.

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the ‘Up’ Button.” – Sam Levenson

For just 2.99 every 10 minutes, you can ditch your bitch for a while, snag a frosty tall one and have some “bro time.” These radical dudes are just kickin’ it, chillaxin’, waiting for you to talk about Nebraska’s O-Line or how sweet “Boondock Saints” is. All it takes is your credit card, and you [...]

judging by all the bones left in his partying wake…yep, seems like everyone WAS having a good time!!!!!!1

Faster than an ironically purchased Yugo! More powerful than a hot cup of Chai tea! Able to leap obscure B-sides in a single bound!

Jerry’s only alibi released a statement two hours ago, which read “2TYWE RG UA RGW VEukkw jwtviES?” Jerry was promptly arrested.

This car comes with the additional feature to send out a GPS signal when you’re being a hero, and some bros will come pull you, kicking and screaming, out of the car. But odds are, he ran over them already.

Personally, I’d wish for “Wishbone” to come back to TV, but mega-destruction is a close second.

All he can think of is how good her ex was at camping. Damn you, Mountain Jack!

Mike E. Peter, Valerie Bertinelli, Jon Worley, Rob Lowe and Ringo the Dog come together to celebrate the joy of love, the power of redemption, and the miracle of Thanksgiving. This heartwarming story for the whole family will surely make a place for itself alongside all your holiday favorites. Only on Lifetime.

Even with their lawyer present to agree that Greedwell’s 8-bit Dolby voice made it sound a bit like “MARRY me with my money” (in which case, a simple prenuptial agreement signed in the money’s stead could have freed up Greedwell’s fortunes), the SNES version came with subtitles that clearly instructed players to “BURY” him with [...]

This is what happens when you play in puddles of bullets during recess.

Real friends are there for you. Real friends understand. Real friends know what chemical compounds dissolve human flesh without leaving a smell.

Don’t even show him that one “New Moon” poster with the Hispanic chippendale guys crudely photoshopped onto a sepia forest. He’s going to go full-on “Lifetime Movie.”

However, I do have a bit of experience writing prenuptial agreements, in the event you ever choose to marry again, or live past the next few hours.

Yay! YAY! Yaaaaaay! YAAAAAAAY!

Their stock skyrocketed immediately thereafter. What you’re not seeing is how good he is at taking messages.

For more information on how to be drug-free and radicool, call the Hennipen County Kool Kidz hotline at 1-800-700-6000 or mail in for our weekly newsletter!

For those wondering why their future selves didn’t just go back further in time before Brian could even think of inventing a time machine: Well, it was the summer of 1999, “Episode One” came out then, and the mood was so depressing and insufferable that they all made a conscious decision to show up during [...]

Level 2 gets exponentially harder, where you start having to hide adult magazines under the couch. The robots just instantly know. You start to resent them.

Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?

The best scene is still where the natives slam a huge axe in the back of a G-Drive. They really did that, you know, Coppola just filmed it.

We’ll greenlight three sequels, film two and three back-to-back and save the fourth for a few years after so people forget how the first three sucked. One second…Bethany? Call it in, I’m going to lunch.

Prankin’!

And don’t think I’m unaware you’re talking to your friend, Sparkle-Dust Fairy Unicorn, on the phone all day! You know I don’t like to see you conniving with her!

We painstakingly restored 12 of the original print’s 120 frames.

He was invited to compete in the Global Panhandling Tournament, but was forced to leave under suspicion of juicing. His friends will tell you, No, He’s Just That Good.

His self-help book “I’m Not Joking in the Slightest, Just Kill Yourself Right Now” flew off the shelves. It doesn’t have any discernible star rating on Amazon, presumably because its readers are too dead to write one.

…

trick or treat, smell my feet / give me something good to eat / if you don’t, seriously man, all I was asking for was a little, you can’t spare nothin’? Fine! That’s right, keep walkin! I’m not even here! Keeeeeep walking, jerk!

After a few trips to Happy Ranch Family Counseling, Father and Stepdaughter came to an agreement never to confuse terms of endearment with father’s prized vegetables. She still burnt Happy Ranch to the ground.

Get lost, Furry McMeowerson! And tell your path-crossing cronies I’m coming!

He just wanted to save the rec center with his incredible break-dancing skills. But some people are afraid of high-flying boogaloo moves. Those people were about to be taught a lesson.

Cynthia Onethat Gotaway passed away October 20th, 2009, from complications involving being incredibly beautiful, kind-hearted and unattainable. She was surrounded by her loved ones, including her two charming children and her loving, devoted, 6’4″ firefighter husband, who will be sending around calendars of himself posing shirtless per her wishes. Cynthia led a life of love, [...]

From: Chaz Michaelson (boss@newsolutionscorp.com) RE: Job performance Hello Collin, Just wanted to let you know you’re up for review. Some of your co-workers, who shall remain anonymous, have filed several complaints that you’re proving to be a disruption at work. Is there any particular reason you scream “Uhh” at the top of your lungs for [...]

She’s going to need 500 more points if she has a snowball’s chance in hell of climbing the Aggro-Crag.

Their young friendship was one borne of circumstance more so than any real connection. Roger simply lived one bus stop away from Dodger, it rained far too much in Lazy Plains for either to meet new friends, and Roger’s vast gun collection was truly a deal-sealer even the coolest of bullies would have a hard [...]

As a boy, young Falcon was marveled the country over for his incredible truth-telling ability, winding up on shows like “Wife Swap,” “The Today Show” or “Good Morning America” and diligently vomiting every time he was asked to tell a lie. He wished deeply for the focus to be on his penchant for ballooning, but [...]

Among Cirio H. Santiago’s lesser works, Dude Bro Party Massacre 3 featured a whopping 35 exposed man-breasts, a night-time exterior knife-stabbing shot that was repeated 12 times, even during all seven shower scenes, and was better known in Italy as Zombi 8.

No, you didn’t actually see this 5sf. Keep clicking.

The rest of them all partied afterwards at McPrior’s.

I’m making 50,000 stale cheerios a year in a styrofoam bowl. Never thought I’d be making this much money right out of college! And with the spare time it affords me, I can try hanging myself with my own socks every week!

He had a very, very short-lived career as a substitute teacher. Although the kids loved him.

Ich bin ein partystarting! I want to take und ride on your wünder-woodpecker!

The paramedics never came. They were all attached to metal poles.

If it turns out she doesn’t cotton to George Strait like you ordered, there’s always pork rinds for breakfast. It’s basically win-win.

Olivia Taylor Dudley, a recently divorced thirty-something-year-old, has a family that just can’t help getting involved in her personal life, or lack thereof. After her sister puts her profile on PerfectMatch.com, this preschool teacher goes on a number of outrageous and hilarious dates. But will she be able to find the one who must love [...]

He got started in this business the way any baby gets started: A little bit a luck, a helluva lot of self-esteem issues, and a shocking, exclusive Newsweek report.

Ah yes, the early 90′s. The best time ever to try reading comics.

They bid farewell into that good night, the streetlamps aglow with the sort of fire that once held a place in their loins; now and forever more, the bros would instead be in possession of chilled, fleshy, lifeless ornaments, like a Christmas tree with ED.

The judge gave him 50 minutes of community service and a mandatory distance of 10.5 feet. She even looked in the trunk of her car to find a tape measure for him, just so he wouldn’t screw this one up. And c’mon, look at that smile. Wouldn’t you look in your trunk?

And to think: If graphing calculators existed back then, he’d be too busy playing “Falldown” to have ever invented the atomic bomb.

Tellingly, the combination wheel to open him includes the numbers 1-40…and an asterisk.

You don’t want to know where the whammy bar is.

Whatever you do, live death to the fullest.

Even worse, the pen was manufactured by Help! I’m Marooned on an Island Off the Coast of Beirut, Stationery. Which doesn’t make Rouss’ situation – about 500 mi off of Namibia – any easier.

Yep, it’s that first month when you two move into the same airplane hangar that’s always fraught with turmoil. Like, who does the dishes that night, what should stay on the TiVo and what should be deleted…they’ll work it out eventually.

One time, on May 13, 1997, late at night, a security guard heard a moaning coming out of the recesses of IBM laboratories. It was Deep Blue. It was crying. Someone, they reasoned, had to have come in and played it when no one was monitoring the cameras. And whoever that someone was…they were cruel.

Brock, keep noooooooooooooooooooo-ing for that rainbow.

It’s free to review your matches-at-first-then-eventual-mortal-enemies-who-have-full-custody. Why wait?

While she could be born with it, It’s more than likely that it’s Maybelline this time.

Warning: This film is Rated R for extreme depictions of brutal, graphic violence, torture, cannibalism and hardcore partying. Children under 18 not admitted to “New Toy,” and parents are strongly cautioned.

Come on down to Tony and Joey’s, where your car gets pregnant and your sister gets fixed.

They say if you play the Tetris theme over and over to the baby while it’s still in the womb, it’ll come out smarter and better at stacking things.

He can see black & white & shades of cynicism inbetween. And can smell stupid from three days ago, four miles away. Any other questions, asshat?

SCIENCE!

In this thrilling installment in J.K. Rowling’s classic fantasy series, Harry signs up for eHarmony, chickens out, then starts getting really involved with fantasy football and goes on the Jared diet…only to discover Voldemort has left yet another Horcrux in the lunchmeat. Or you know what? No. Just forget we even wrote this book.

Citing the Menial Labor Provisions Code, Article 34729a, which states “Nobody gotta fill up no damn pool on Labor Day, period, especially me Reggie,” the pool boy was cleared of any charges placed upon him by the deceased’s family. The teen’s opthamologist, however, was not as lucky.

His bar trick is solid gold, too. The one where he walks out as a hologram with a giant machine gun and asks people to guess which one is the real Ben. Always gets the ladies riled up.

One o’clock, clock-a-rock, Block-a-bawk-bawk! Four o’one, two-bakka-bawk, Kawkabawk-six! Rockin’ clock, clock-a-rock, three-a-Clock-fawk!

This party was such a wild night. I finally got up the courage to ask Michelle out on the back porch, and she said “I’ve been waiting three semesters for you to say it.” We made out under the starlight night in the hammock while some car backfired in the distance, or something. Then the [...]

None of the stimulus package went to bailing out 911 emergency response services. So they went into the privatized sector. But we have the best emergency response services in the world! Why do you think foreign leaders come here to call 911? The system’s not broken, you are! So shut up! And buy Nabisco!

It was another normal day in Dayton, Ohio…until trouble struck. A man robbing a liquor store steals a 1995 white SUV and decides to go for a little joyride. He thinks he’s going to make a clean getaway…but the cops have a thing or two to say about that. And so do I…because I’m in [...]

Career waterfalls sparkling like azure diamonds, cascading into pools of full benefits, all untouched by humanity. Coconut trees, rich with sweet overtime pay milk, line the coast of Resume Reef. And all the natives don’t qualify for affirmative action.

…But not too much. Unless we’re talking about New York time, in which case I’ve got a deadline, lackey.

A lot of this goes back to his overprotective mom, who never forgave those camp counselors for setting fire to the child-murdering den he built fifteen Halloweens ago. Things were fine with the murder den until mom came into the picture.

silverlake oceanic hyrdoponic organization (soho] captain’s log, alexander weezy f drake: after finding out our concept-o-tron technology was made up of used parts, u-necks and coke, we disbanded the space program and began to unlock the ocean’s mysteries. tinfoil, fyi, is a sweet all-purpose insulation material. our next mission is to build a hot warehouse [...]

My ex-wife, may she rot in Yonkers, asked me to never take another case from a two-bit, -faced and-legged hood/dame ever again. It was suicide, she said. But to me, it wasn’t suicide. It was Wednesday. Anyways, what do I care what a calendar thinks? With my brand of punch-drunk clientele, Boxing Day’s every day. [...]

He never quite fit in with the other kill-bots at murder school, electing instead to spend his kill-lunches throwing the baby carrots his mom kill-packed for him into the baseball dugout.

Let this be a lesson to those of you looking to score tonight: Make sure your wingman hasn’t just extricated himself from the wreckage of a messy relationship, or just gotten in a knock-down drag-out fight with his parents about getting married soon, or just broken his 12-steps pact after five months sober. Or has [...]

They both lost two pounds with Right Size(c) Makeout Sessions. Now it’s your turn!

If you’re lucky on a Saturday night in Hollywood, sometimes he’ll even be the guest DJ. The crowd goes apeshit for the Becker MegaMix.

Barry’s got to learn, it’s not enough to just pop out a soul patch. You’ve got to shave it, trim it, keep it clean of food. Otherwise you look like John Travolta in Swordfish.

He was a pervert and good at his job, but he committed the ultimate sin and testified against other perverts gone bad. Pervs that tried to feel him up but got a big ol’ piece of the woman he loved instead. Framed for skeeziness, now he prowls the break room, a cad hunting cads, a [...]

First order of business: We’re tearing up Glencoe’s offices below us and turning them into waterslides, bros. I got my boy Kenny C on girl patrol, he’s hitting up facebook, if we know anyone who has a grill I’ll spring for T-Bones and we can do conference calls poolside on floor 16.

on a 2,000-calorie-a-day diet, one serving of Jon “Alexander Aloysious Wiggle-Worm” Worley provides you with 100% of your daily serving of explosive, explosive diarrhea. Engage the sphincter and prepare for brighter days, fatty!

If you get your ticket more than a month in advance, “No Class” seating costs even less than “Wanna Get Away With Indecent Exposure” prices.

C’mon broski, just a little bumpski for that rad shitski.

As far as best friends go, Firenzi is a pretty good one. He has a gentle disposition and a terrific sense of humor. But for new-kid-in-town Michael, the problem is that no one will believe that his fun new friend even exists. Everyone thinks it’s all science fiction, until Firenzi comes out of hiding and [...]

Needless to say, “Family Feud” lost its syndication contract.

I don’t say he’s a great dog. Ringo never made a lot of money. His name was never in the paper. He’s not the finest character that ever lived. But he’s a canine being, and a terrible thing is happening to him. So attention must be paid. He’s not to be allowed to fall in [...]

He starts abusing his powers of slacker charisma around the time he has ten beers in him, which is usually 9:30 AM.

Some will say he was mad, others will say he was a lost soul. One thing is for sure, Antartica will pretty much be exactly the same.

Call ‘em up when you’ve got a jerk in your life that needs to get slammed. 1-800-SLAMWOW.

Some conversations you overhear at parties could go one way, and it just puts a smile on your face when it goes the other way.

Also: Functions as a mean onion-blossomer.

Talks broke down when the members of Tomato Dawn ordered little helicopters with enough battery charge to get back to the Chiquita plant.

When they sold out of Bad Robot figurines and he got shafted out of the Iron Man 2 panel in Hall H, he started getting really surly to people. Plus, Twilight kinda ruined the whole experience for him. But I’m sure he’ll be back again next year, complaining as usual.

Clown parents, sit down and have an honest talk with your kids about excess honking. Or else they might galumph out into that big clown world, and never learn to respect a clown for her pies or her pratfalls.

The past becomes the present once more. And all is “Nope” with the world.

Haha, very funny guys, that’s wonderful, say, it looks like my car’s ready, can I just drive it off the premises? Fine, and where exactly is the police station from here?

So, when the engine closes its eyes and flashes me a peace sign, does that mean my oil’s low, or that I just beat level 5, or what?

Even worse, you have to file every body with a matching TPS report in the back room. Every time. Or the underboss will catch you.

At the end of the day, it’s all about who you come home to. Who you spend your nights oinking with. That’s what matters.

Cthulus are standing by. Don’t delay!

University of Phoenix’s online beer pong: Even less fun than the original.

The Killmore Pro was tantalizingly half-off at DeathSears.

Good source of hemoglobin!

silverlake aeronautics and space administration (SASA) captain’s log, alexander weezy f drake: stardate whatever – set coordinates for american apparel, our v-necks are reaching critical capacity. lol don’t care.

And after this, we can go get some Boba tea, and then catch a screening of “Orphan!” And then we can change the oil in my car! The possibilities are endless!

And they’ve both got a huge business presentation in ten minutes! How on Earth can they sell the Nagatomi Corporation on the new merger if they’ve suddenly become much more attractive versions of themsel…oh, well never mind. Looks like Christmas is coming early!

1,000 of your Frequent Flier points go toward a smooth, comfortable post-catastrophe landing when you fly Air Regrets.

We’ll just stop by the precinct on the way, I left my cell phone charger there. Hey, could you get those cuffs out of the glove compartment?

Grab a bag of Lil’ Smokies, get out the rubber ducky floaties and drift off into the packed, noisy waters of the town dam, with the delicious smell of cooked human flesh wafting in the thick summer’s breeze.

Well, this is it. I’m going to go jump off a cliff now. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Episode 305 – ‘Mixed Signals’ When Kelsey is mistaken for a famous pop singer, Olivia senses a moneymaking scheme. Kelsey protests, so Olivia scrambles her signals with bad talk radio.

Even the greatest of History’s men could O.D. on starchy carbohydrates while perusing Hungarian almanacs they can’t even read. Surely you understand.

She wound up vaguely blogging about it later on that evening, on her billofrightsjournal. Her mood was “Okay,” but her friends could totally tell something was up.

The Board of Highly Scientific Review & Science, as you can no doubt imagine, went on to publish several papers based on Dr. Firenzi’s findings, the most prominent of which were titled “Zhoo! Zhoo! Zhoo! And the Neurotechnological Capabilities Therein” by Dr. Sandoval, and “Pew, Pew: A Rebuffing of Dr. Sandoval’s Hasty Assertions,” by Dr. [...]

Hurt. Silence. Pressure. Boiling. Enough. All this and sports, when we return!

His father was an Ford Super Duty, and his mother was a SmartCar that just kind of stood idly by, enabled and didn’t do anything about it. You have to understand.

Bowzer previously signed his owner up for the National Guard, listed him in the local sex offender registry, and artfully directed a runaway boulder into his company carpool. But this, this is…well, maybe the last straw. Second to last straw. Or not.

And for a little extra, we do free delivery to the tune of “Ride of the Valkyries.”

Nothing says “You’re the greatest joy of my life” quite like joining hands to toss a ticking cartridge of destruction into the back nine at Pinewoods Golf. This year, let your children know just how you feel.

And that’s not all! Pot-bellied pigs are a hassle to clean up after, and can take forever to devour human flesh! But with sulfuric acid, the body’s gone and the pigpen can be your slave dungeon once more! And it all comes free with your purchase!

Sometimes the greatest of adventures happen to the most unlikely of heroes. In theatres everywhere this Fall.

IMDb > My Girlfriend, the Hobo (1986) > Plot summary When a high-powered real estate agent (Barry Bostwick) finds himself accused of scandal and penniless as a result, divorced and his house repossessed, he has no choice but to spend one day in a bread line while he and his increasingly agitated lawyer (Gilbert Gottfried) [...]

No one’s had the heart to tell him that this particular stretch of island grows a special fruit which, when eaten, increases the eye’s ability to track objects.

An incredibly strange, wonderfully true friendship comes to a terrible end.

“Name that tune” brought them together. The rhythm method tore them apart.

Peekaboo. You’re dead.

Some glory in seconds, some 5-Second Films Some in their puns, some in their artless force, Some in their websites, though new-fangled ill, Some in their Robodogs, some not as coarse; And every humor hath his adjunct pleasure, Wherein it finds a joy above the rest: But these particulars are not my measure; All these [...]

Still better than taking the bus.

Are you filled with regret that you don’t have the fabled attachment to your baby that you were told you’d have? Flip those regrets away!

Well, fine then! Suddenly I don’t feel so bad about these bills being quite large and totally marked all over!

Don’t just buy the Extended LP version to look cool if it’s not the right fit.

In all likelihood, that rag will never get handed to anyone.

Rebecca’s entire family died in a horrific grenade accident, followed swiftly by a nasty divorce in which she lost her car, half of her salary and all twelve of her children to her husband, who proceeded to drop them off in various orphanages under different aliases before absconding to Cuba. She deserved this home makeover [...]

And the Lord spake, “Dudes, just tuck it up under your robes. You seriously haven’t figured that out by now?”

Last week we threw lit firecrackers into his storm drain. You should’ve seen Ron, he tried to act so cool! He put his shades on just to come outside and it was like 10:30 at night!

Now he’s sure to lose funding for his groundbreaking work on flies and their relative yumminess to fleas.

What seems to baby the officer, problem?

And that Rolex had just 36-48 hours until retirement, too.

Better still, in an energy crisis he lectures you about which lights to turn off so he can continue powering your home with hot, justicey warmth.

The first step is, there is no second step.

Zocko! Sproff! Thrum! Biff! Toffee!

Oh, I’m sorry sir! I didn’t know you were the 2nd lead zombie from “Dawn of the Dead.” We can prepare something off-menu for you, if you’d like.

A dog is just like a child. Both respond greatly to traumatic encounters with libidinous, magickal elf men.

Unfortunately, shark people weren’t banned from entering Britain, and now they’ve run amok. Just another inconvenience for the Hardest Working Man in the House.

War drove them apart. Fate brought them together. The Sprint (c) Anywhere Anytime Plan (TM) nags them constantly.

To know Sony CF-520 is to love him. Kelsey Gunn is about to love Sony CF-520.

How are we related, you ask? Well, I HEARD SHE MET HIM ON T A L L M I L L I O N A I R E S.COM. And by “Her,” I mean my Aunt, and by “Him” I mean some tall millionaire.

Demons with a socket wrench and ill-equipped to deal with the complexities of the English language, Tony and Joey are genuine American enigmas.

With friends like these, who needs crushing your soul in an organ grinder repeatedly and without mercy?

Just when you thought terror couldn’t get any more adorable.

When you other countries start wearing flags on your pants, then we’ll talk about code redistribution. Until then, it’s just obvious we want it most.

To be totally fair, we also wound up celebrating Halloween, Easter, Boxing Day, Pentecost, All Saint’s Day, and various bank holidays in the exact same way.

Men have a version of Femhalt, too. It’s called filling up on bread at a restaurant and washing it down with soda and milkshakes. And only one of these versions has been banned by the FDA.

See, girls? This is why you should always date college guys in high school. Boys your age are just after one thing. Plus, they smell icky.

Look honey! If you see just past Orion’s belt, just a bit west southwest, you can see Nightmarus Major. And look, there’s Uncomfortablis Minor, just to the left of that!

The next day Grandpa’s wallet was, in fact, gone. He spent about two hours running down PCH in his Depends before the cops brought him back.

It only gets steamier from here, as the Europe-only version includes a bold, daring display of thumb wars and mulletry deemed too intimate and spicy for the American public. You can, of course, try to track it down on YouTube and click “Confirm Birth Date,” even if you’re not old enough. We won’t tell.

When their parents heard the news, and identified the bodies, they burst into tears. No one should bury their own perverts.

The night, as it usually did, ended in a round of ‘ludes, a bag of M-80s and a very unfortunate burrito cart.

She needs to learn that it’s not about the type of processed dairy product he pours. It’s about whether they have fun pouring together. And the spark just isn’t there anymore.

Armed with his trusty six-round ratchet-crank revolver, a steel-tipped fedora, and nerve gas-releasing cowboy boots, Little Ben stalked the Netherworlds, feared the Netherworld over by those who would dare take fathers from their children. But with each dead Screemwyng and every new Big Bludsucker corpse at his feet, Ben felt further and further away from [...]

Trust us, you don’t want to know why it feels good when you get your back rubbed, either.

This isn’t in your medical textbooks, ladies. Just grab me a roast beef hero, some of those extra-hot Cheetos and let a master do his work.

Rose Swan and Eddie Dawson met in a malt shop just outside of Tuscaloosa on a Friday night in 1958. This is their story. It is fun.

These bees were netted down by the local middle school’s crunch corral picnic benches, smacked around in a clean jar until unconsciously ripe, then slathered on top of a fine bee paste made from Africanized, Americanized, and African-Americanized bee colonies. Then a dash of jalapeno extract, a quick two-day bake in the hot Abernathy sun, [...]

The Amko Kites “Flights of Whimsy” series, forged from parachute nylon and enhanced with electrostatic flocking, were canceled due to routine child-absconding, and sadly just-as-routine trips to jet engines in mid-air. Little Ben was the first such case to have survived a mishap, though, and lived to fly kites again.

“Answer the call! ANSWER IT! DON’T LOOK AT ME WITH YOUR JUDGING EYES, I AM THE HILLTOP OMEGA!” -T.M.o.t.H.W.t.P

Their first client was a tough nut to crack: How do you make kids want to watch the Travel Channel? But it only took 36 junior Dr. Peppers, 12 straight hours and a whole lot of Maxim magazines for Boss and Simmons to strike gold. Sure, it was really Simmons’ idea, and he knew it, [...]

It was then, staring into the face of oblivion, a trickle of blood accenting the face’s smirk like an apostrophe, that young Alexander realized what hatred could be, realized what misery would befall him as his heart grew to feel betrayal, ennui and addiction; the great and terrible chasm of Life was crumbling away at [...]

I don’t know what it is that I like about you, but I like it a lot. Won’t you let me hold you, let me feel your lovin’ beeps?

You’d love the mahogany floors. They’re about the same color as your face right now.

Oh fine, plants die, ocean life inexorably affected, earth plunges into arctic prison, but no – you make sure your hair does that thing you like, Ricky.

And right after this, Dad comes in and whispers to Junior about the necessity of using Jergens anti-gigantism cream.

Well, sucks to all of our ass-mar, eh guys? This one’s gonna be hard to live down.

Oh, also, Circuit City’s bankrupt. I mean, I plundered it! Yaaaar!

Well, clearly we can cross “Prostate” off the list here. Are you a “check for testicular cancer” kind of guy, as well? Good, good. Super.

To be fair, shame is a useful warming agent as well, so these kids can’t really lose either way.

Hrm… Curses! Back to the lab! Hmmm… Curses! Kill myself!

Step One: Wrap your 1974 MGB around a lightpost outside Marks & Spencer. In broad daylight. Step Two: Come clean about your itty-bitty speedball addiction. Step Three: Get your brother to set up a camcorder for you and do something for the kids. Step Four: Put on your paisley shirt and it’s that bloody simple.

This town ain’t big enough fer the two’f us. Ah hereby chall’nge you to a spellin’ bee!

In my day, people used to gather ’round the old Pied Piper radio (“Hammy,” we called it, after the Pied Piper of Hamelin, not the advent of the crude, impersonal ham radio) and listen to Eugene John as he hosted the Missouri Championship Joke Races, broadcast in part by the sponsorship of Armour Hot Dogs [...]

This isn’t covered by your HMO, by the way.

Incidentally, If it was a boy, she’d have named it Kreskin. Now she has no choice but to name it Terrorspawn.

The only food they brought for their trip, to top this all off, was a half-eaten bottle of Flinstone’s vitamins and a roll of Scotch tape.

He’s got a lot of drunkies to collar tonight. To streamline the process, he’s just going to start lobbing baseballs at passersby and see if they react in time.

There are dental records, voice recordings and taped confessions at the end of that rainbow, too.

The AA meetings always go longer than planned. Mysteriously, Erik continues to host the meetings entirely in his hat room.

SERRRRVICCE!! CNNN UHHH GEEETT SUUUMMM SERRRVICCCEE!!!

On a very special episode of “The Oswalds,” Lee Harvey gets blamed for killing the class turtle Johnny when in fact he’s just a fall guy. But as Fred teaches him, sometimes being a tattletale is the worst thing of all.

There’s some Fallout 3 action going on in the basement, if you’re into that. Also, we got a bag of animal crackers and some land shark beer on the stove.

Also, Bonsai’s not gonna water itself. Ted, I’m looking at you when I say that.

It was that whole deck of Bicycle that did it for sure. Who was watching him? No one? You know how Bowler gets when he parties. Think first next time, bros.

He waited 15 years to do this. Fashioned a board from the panels of a sunken skipper. Studied the Fleshlings’ movements. And now, the intricate machinations of his plan unfold, like the petals of a blood-red rose.

Get with the times, Dad. It’s 2009 PHY (Puny Human Years).

Coincidentally, Mike has no idea that the coffee he was drinking in the tree was secretly replaced with Folger’s crystals. He spilled it on his face anyway.

Those Bad Time Boys. Always evading Banker Hogg with a well-timed rampless jump and a taunting car horn jingle.

Gorlac was gonna be cool about it. Wasn’t gonna do anything. Ran into his girl’s ex at a bar once, didn’t care much for him, but it was cool. But now the punk’s taken it too far.

They’ve got plaid shirts, spiral shirts, shirts that smell like lukewarm pork!

Coincidentally, this is how Uncle Jon learned to swim, in Da Nang. Best not to ask.

Your one-stop shop for releasing years of torment, psychological abuse as a child, alcoholism, self-loathing, and a long-standing failure to properly assert oneself in a situation that calls for authority! You must have Flash v9 for Parenting.com to play on your computer.

Motivation, as Uncle Jon will tell you, is only for talented people.

Those who dare trade in evil will tremble before the might of Danger Dog! Also, his testicles.

Okay, I didn’t see this movie. But I almost saw “The International” last weekend, and both movies have “The” in the title, and Clive Owen kinda looks like Ralph Fiennes a little, right?

“A buoyant hymn to fleas” says Richard Corliss of Time Magazine.

Bigotry and social panic are no match for a flux capacitor and 1.21 jigawatts’ worth of plutonium!

Loved the first one. Can we make him more extreme though, something hip that the kids would be into? See, if an old man’s going to be the main character, we gotta skew young with the demos here. Also, the first movie was about 166 minutes. That’s not gonna fly here, let’s shorten that up [...]

400 million people were waiting for “The Daily Show” to parody this so they didn’t have to watch the whole thing.

This 5sf is un-bear-able! (Pounds a glass of Southern Comfort alone)

As soon as this becomes an Olympic sport, the only thing standing between him and the gold are the Croatians. Lousy Croatians.

Precious memories. Precious alloys.

He commands utter respect. Let’s watch.

They calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds they were doing something incredibly stupid, and they went ahead anyway.

I never did have friends like the ones I did when I was twelve. Gorlac, does anyone?

Oh, those bad time boys. Always finding rampless jumps awkwardly located next to a boy finding out his dog died.

Is it quibbling that Mr. Bucket asked children to put the balls in his “top,” and that in fact they would come out of his mouth? I guess he’s in hot water no matter what here.

And that 5sf looks like a cloud!

Also known as RU-4NOTEVERGETTINGDRUNKAGAIN.

Incidentally, the source of their duel was over the level of irony in Dante’s “Divine Comedy.”

Turbo was just waiting for his friend to get back from Jamba Juice. It would have been awkward to stand there for five minutes and not help give the guy a jump.

(speechless)

Carlos always loses pretty quick at this game. And when he loses, everyone loses.

Approximately 48% of those polled said they were better drivers with porn playing in front of their faces. That wasn’t enough to overturn prop 69.

What a scoop!

Poor eibboR. His last rent check bounced because he made it out for the month of yaM and now Jeremy is pissed as hell.

In fact, don’t approach, cajole, molest, disturb or attempt to startle a switcher, either. The best course of action is probably to bow down to their netherworldly presence, but then again I say the same thing about redheads in general.

3,000 problems is more of an understatement than anything. However, laughter probably is the best medicine.

Peep the SG hangin’ out the breast pocket. This guy keeps it straight f’real.

You know what they say: Ask for a stupid last request…

Chorus: You’re a four-legged gas burnin’ bitch on wheels I take you in for a tune-up when you wear high heels For a brother-lover-master, I’m doin’ pretty good But you’re 14 mpg and you eat dog food

Their marriage will never be the same. Kinkier, too.

Sometimes you don’t just hurt the ones you love, you hurt the one you hate.

Yeah, sure she’s putting herself through college. Let’s all just believe that fantasy.

Told you his pickup lines work. Everything that happens after, on the other hand…

Mike takes seizing the day a bit literally. Also, see if you can figure out how many people in total are in the background, watching Mike wrestle a cup of coffee in the final shot.

It’s the same location, same pickup line he whips out every Wednesday, and yet it works.