Ask a Lobster

Last Film Last Film
Send a self-addressed envelope with appropriate postage to ASK A LOBSTER, Chicago IL, 60652. Questions will be answered in the order they are received. No question too long, no answer too wrong!


  • Sasha Ketchum 09.24.12 @ 6:16pm


  • Hollister Dixon 12.04.11 @ 3:12am

    It seems Scruff McGruff has transformed into a lobster over the years.


  • StickySam 12.03.11 @ 8:17pm

    GAH BRIAN. That face is hard to masturbate to.

  • Mmara 11.07.11 @ 6:22am

    lol…I almost couldn’t stop replaying it.

  • XD 11.01.11 @ 12:59am

    Brian’s face at the end is fucking PRICELESS.

  • kovrdzavi bumbar 10.30.11 @ 3:20am

    my best 5seconds in my love

  • Not a Lobster...yet 01.18.11 @ 12:03pm

    MOOAR ask a lobster.  MANY MORE.  Here’s my question:

    How do I get girls to like me?
    Lobster:Snap at prey with your big claws.

  • John Galt 12.13.10 @ 11:40pm

    uhhuh, uhhuh,  kill yourself.

  • Billy 10.30.10 @ 1:27am

    Does the lobster sound like he’s doing a bad Robin Williams impression to anyone else?

  • ts 09.16.10 @ 4:19pm

    I have a theory34 that Brian’s alter ego is Officer Sminkle.

  • Derf 09.15.10 @ 5:59pm

    “By having an erection!” hahaha

    @Anom it was multiple 5secvideos. cmooonnnnn.

  • Anom 09.11.10 @ 6:38pm

    THIS IS 8TIMES LONGER THAN NORMAL!!!!! But other than that, all of the clips are good.

  • Toasted 09.08.10 @ 6:08pm

    @SquidDNA, so good!

    Jon needs a haircut. And that lobster voice was fantastic. Aaaaand the soundtrack was perfect. What was it?

  • Titties and Beer 08.24.10 @ 8:34am

    Help please:
    I can’t the answer to: How do I get a job?

    What should grow larger?

  • Chris.q3 07.12.10 @ 12:44am

    Watched so many times… again and again…
    What’s the soundtrack? It freaked my mind!

  • DAT BANJO 06.08.10 @ 11:52pm


  • MineTruly 06.05.10 @ 11:58am

    That’s what *I* say to people who try to make money off the internet!

    ... at least, to the spammers.

  • ChristianH 06.04.10 @ 7:35pm

    All of these are perfect and should remain a part of my life forever.

  • MEEKS 06.03.10 @ 11:14pm

    This may be a new favorite

  • Adam 06.03.10 @ 7:34pm

    Please, please, make more of these. Lots, lots more of these

  • Dividedbyzero 05.31.10 @ 1:41pm

    Step 1: Kill yourself
    Step 2: ???
    Step 3: PROFIT!

  • AMERICANS-STUPED-IDIOTS:D 05.30.10 @ 10:19am

    you fuck sweatheart wahahaahahahahhahahahahaaa

  • JB 05.29.10 @ 1:11am

    See, this is what happens when you take advice from the regular seafloor-scavenging black sea lobsters. If you are able find one, the rare red tree lobsters might give you better answers.

  • Kylogram 05.28.10 @ 9:38pm

    I sent my letter but I only got a reply from… Who the fuck is Scruff McGruff?

  • Kushie 05.28.10 @ 9:19pm

    Throughout this 5SF, the level of humor grew exponentially until it hit a fucking asymptote.

  • Ozzy 05.28.10 @ 6:42pm

    why would you want crabs in the first place…they’re troublesome

  • MikeA 05.28.10 @ 1:43pm

    Isn’t that Mcgruff the Crime Dog’s adress????

  • dev 05.28.10 @ 9:04am

    I don’t wanna talk to no scientist…

  • Chrissyb 05.28.10 @ 8:42am

    Lobster couldn’t tell me how magnets worked. :(

  • Your Biological Father 05.28.10 @ 6:31am

    I think that if the “Make Money on the Internet” bit were dropped and the Kelsey-Rubberband moved to the end, this would have been legendary, rather than simply good.

  • Andrea D'Intino 05.28.10 @ 5:05am

    AWESOME! Love the “episodes” concept :-D

  • NAMKCOR 05.27.10 @ 10:10pm

    I love Brian’s facial expressions.

  • TheonlyChuck 05.27.10 @ 8:37pm


  • Kaidou 05.27.10 @ 6:30pm

    Dammit now I wanna play Monster Hunter because of that lobster…

  • theperson 05.27.10 @ 5:26pm

    when i shed my exoskeleton i got fired…                                  fried*

  • Eatintea 05.27.10 @ 4:18pm

    Why do people only like me if I’m doused in clarified butter?

  • onReload 05.27.10 @ 3:05pm

    you have to do step 1 to see step 2. go for it.

  • The Sentient Houseplant 05.27.10 @ 2:58pm

    What about ask a houseplant?
    I’m sitting here in the corner.

  • obscurerreference 05.27.10 @ 2:35pm

    Ok… Step 1 for making money off the internet is “Kill Yourself”.... What is Step 2?

  • AJ_Lenzie 05.27.10 @ 2:12pm

    It just kept getting funnier! And the last face, i think thats brian, is priceless.

  • OneRandomEncounter 05.27.10 @ 1:20pm

    Just brilliant

  • Rastamussen 05.27.10 @ 1:08pm

    “how do i gets these off”
    “oh your fucked sweetheart”

  • Vurtax 05.27.10 @ 12:52pm

    Whoever is doing the voice of the lobster along with boxcar you are one epic voice actor

  • tay 05.27.10 @ 10:23am

    Oh… you’re fucked sweetheart… ohhh Kelsey so cute. Nice.

  • A Random Name 05.27.10 @ 10:10am

    This, “Hey Kids!”, and “Robodog” are easily my most favorite 5SFs on this site.

    Also, the answer to the question “How do I make my penis bigger?” was pretty clever.

  • YOU LOSE THE INTERNET!!! 05.27.10 @ 8:13am

    thats what my dad said! the killing myself part.

  • Brian Firenzi 05.27.10 @ 7:54am

    @Scruff no, they just share an office building. In fact, they don’t really get along that well.

  • Scruff 05.27.10 @ 7:14am

    Waaait is the lobster friends with Scruff McGruff?

  • deject 05.27.10 @ 7:00am

    Oh, you’re fucked sweetheart!  lmfao

  • Enabsflow 05.27.10 @ 6:58am

    Nice, SquidDNA

    I laughed at Kelsey’s part. ^_^

  • Gamecube 05.27.10 @ 6:53am

    wait a sec you guys dont live in Chicago!

  • onReload 05.27.10 @ 6:06am

    ^^ I just laughed like an old man at that. yet my captcha is boys64….

  • SquidDNA 05.27.10 @ 6:04am

    In high school, a bunch of us had gone to a grocery store late at night out of sheer boredom and in the seafood area they had a freestanding lobster tank with a hinged lid on top, labeled “PLEASE ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.” I lifted up the lid and shouted into the lobster tank “WHERE IS THE RAISIN BRAN???”

  • JOE 05.27.10 @ 6:00am

    classic 5sf.

  • ME 05.27.10 @ 5:29am

    Er, crap.  I thought the earlier post failed to submit, so I resubmitted.  FAIL.

  • ME 05.27.10 @ 5:29am

    Wow, you’ve never scavenged the sea floor for nutrients?

  • ME 05.27.10 @ 5:12am

    Wow… I’ve never heard of it being called, “scavenging the sea floor for nutrients”.... I’ve gotta use that next time.

  • onReload 05.27.10 @ 5:06am

    Someone has to tell Ben that hanging banjos are the last thing women want to see in a man’s bedroom.

  • Schrodinger 05.27.10 @ 4:48am

    That face Brian makes at the end is creepy o_O

  • Cloven 05.27.10 @ 4:02am

    Lobster sticks to magnet.
    I just noticed, holy crap Brian you’ve got like werewolf teeth, your upper and lower cuspids are very pointy.

  • seafloor 05.27.10 @ 3:06am

    Please, no more. We’re all out of nutrients.

  • Bojangles 05.27.10 @ 2:06am

    Lobsters these days are an amazing source of information, and yet i wonder… does it talk in such a fantastic manner?

  • ??? 05.27.10 @ 1:43am

    How many times has Brian has or has been asked to kill himself?  I’m starting to sense a pattern…

  • Garlic Butter 05.27.10 @ 1:30am


  • Briham 05.27.10 @ 1:30am

    I stopped trusting lobster when he starting telling me that crabs were an inferior race who should be rounded up and exterminated.

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