Films

  • Timmy’s Dying Wish

    0

    ​Timmy's quick thinking, however, was not enough to save him from the medical bills to follow - a payment to be made in "either blood or...

  • Behoof

    0

    ​Her shoe addiction tore their marriage apart. Also he tore her apart for meat. It's a terribly sad story, I know, but not an unusual one....

  • Broken Clocks

    3

    ​Major credit cards? No! Also, we are dog and child friendly! Do not bring them in. We are closed but the lights are so bright and it's...

  • Big in Japan

    1

  • Mr.Trump Goes to Washington

    2

    ​After he fucked a frog onstage while screaming "FAKE NEWS" in Russian, a fountain of piss exploded and soaked the Mormon Tabernacle...

  • Christmas Pageant

    4

  • Christmas 10k

    3

    ​Slap those elfin bells on your racin' shoes, here comes the Christmas 10K! Time to shred off those turkey handles with a pavement...

  • Letter to Santa

    1

  • First Day of Christmas

    2

    ​This year's Christmas Week is brought to you by NOG®! Arrange the bodies of your finest nearby compatriots and sup from our gurgling...

  • Trump U

    0

  • Lyft Horror Movie Mode

    15

    ​We teamed up with Lyft to film 5-Second Films with passengers on the way to their destination. Here are some of our favorites. ...

  • The Power of Cinco de Mayo

    1

    ​"Neo-Los Angeles is about to A.P.P.R.O.P.R.I.A.T.E. A. D.A.Y. W.H.O.S.E. S.I.G.N.I.F.I.C.A.N.C.E. T.H.E.Y. D.O.N.T. U.N.D.E.R.S.T.A.N.D....

  • The Revenanting

    4

  • What It’s Like To Be The Guy...

    7

    ​Ugh, here comes the guy who watched his wife get her limbs ripped apart by a robot he built named Buzz, but was reprogrammed by the...

  • Christian Singles

    2

    ​Wherever your date has to walk to for his little God rod to escape his internal shame radius, you let him. Be it a babblin' brook, a free...

  • Fred Alarmisen

    14

    ​The company was immediately sued into bankruptcy, and oblivion, after their latest brand extension, the "First Alarmisen Senior's...

  • Exit Row

    2

    ​Based on what they just saw, his qualifications were simply too good to ignore. Upon scooping him up at the chain link fence surrounding...

  • Another Success

    1

    ​There's nothing quite like the feeling of another Christmas come and gone. All the hustle and bustle of the season, the anticipation of...

  • Christmas Butter

    6

    ​He's in you when you're sleeping. He's the glisten in your parents' teeth when you're awake. He knows if you bought margarine, and he'll...

  • 5SF’s Christmas Bonus This...

    2

    ​Last year everyone got PS4s and a big ol' honkin' handjob in the back room where they kept all the extra snacks bought in bulk from...

  • Cutesy Couple Christmas Card

    2

    ​It's funny how a little font choice makes all the difference. A few months later, when they sent out their wedding invitations, they came...

  • Santa Baby

    3

    ​Santa baby, just slip my father under the tree, for me, Haven't seen him in years, Santa baby, So lure him in with whiskey tonight...

  • Decorating The Christmas Tree

    3

    ​Real Actual Angel From Heaven Christmas Tree Toppers tend to cost about $100 if you buy them in the department store, but you can save up...

  • The Audition

    5

    ​He tried briefly appeasing his cruel judge with a "jaunty sidestep" of the ottoman, but was sternly reprimanded. "Nobody's paying to...

  • The Legend of the Hooky Killer

    1

    ​They set up a perimeter around the woods. Ever since the Harbinger and his brother went on those rampages years back, no one was taking...

  • The Ritual

    1

  • Family Recipe

    1

  • Home is Hell

    4

    ​For Joe, coming home to West Virginia was like being denied his existence. The VA lost his paperwork. The shrink would routinely forget...

  • Box 4 Box

    2

    ​It starts with the shoulder muscles. Like tectonic plates shifting, the deltoids slithering under the trapezius to slowly migrate up near...

  • The Harbinger

    1

    ​Curiously, Officer Ramos noted in his report, it all happened in broad daylight. That made it seem worse somehow, as there was nowhere...

  • Colorado to Washington

    2

    ​Right as you cross the border from Colorado to Wyoming, police come through the cabin, confiscate all your paraphernalia, handcuff you,...

  • Party Patriot

    1

    ​Seemingly never learning from history, Glory Chipz held an online "Flag Your Flavor" contest to determine what the internet would most...

  • Latte Banksy

    1

    ​His previous works, "A Flower Growing Out of A Landfill" and "Sledgehammer Going Into a TV" were poorly received and only sold for $3.50...

  • Don’t Film This I’m...

    1

    ​The resulting viral infamy led to an appearance on Conan while stuck in the door, a sit-down with Bernie Sanders while stuck in the door,...

  • Great Distraction

    1

    ​It didn't make for the best Christmas last year, when they mistakenly bought her the hit board game Don't Wake Daddy, Who Will Then Tell...

  • Long Battery Life

    2

    ​His will decreed that all his snaps would be bequeathed to his first-born, and his insta account would be turned over to Starrbangzz, the...

  • Slo-Mo Hummingbird

    3

    ​Red-Red Juice is a highly sought-after narcotic in multiple hummingbird circles, prized for the clarity of its effects with minimal...

  • Emo Kids Moving Out

    1

    ​He had a track record of being a delightful guest - always offering to put the plates in the sink, always offering to put his hand in the...

  • Roommate Mix Up

    3

    ​Thankfully, Aaron managed to find an endless string of colorful neckerchiefs with which to rappel out the bank's second story window,...

  • Adult Gift

    1

    ​His whole life was a series of blandly Facebookable events thereafter, a roulette wheel of wine parties and coffee-tasting classes, all...

  • The Reincarnation of Cinco de Mayo

    0

    ​The cycle shall be replenished, the flesh shall bathe with the eternal hops, and the question shall be asked. This is how it has always...

  • Long After the Honeymoon

    611

    ​Joey's mother suspected those Ginsu knives she gave her son on the day of his wedding would come back to haunt them...but when she later...

  • HIDYM

    0

    ​The network felt "How I Divorced Your Mother" didn't quite create the emotional entry point for the 7-99 age demographic. 

  • Getting To Know Her III:...

    0

    ​Making matters worse, she's actually a vegan, and was just trying to tell him in the nicest way possible not to order 12 Meat Threesome...

  • The Last Kickstarter Film

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "A Dude Bro backer sits at their computer all excited that they get to submit an idea for a 5SF.  Confident in...

  • Hashing it Out

    0

    They were too high to come up with more weed puns after this initial exchange, so they just got on with it, the man weeping bitter tears as...

  • Are we going to make it?

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT:  Two paramedics use their siren to get to a fast food place before the breakfast deadline ends.

  • Awkward Billboard

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: A couple are looking at a billboard with a badly drawn, unnerving-looking cartoon character on it. One of the couple...

  • Atheist Wizard

    0

    ORIGINAL PROMPT:"INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Four friends sit around a table laid out with Dungeons and Dragons gear. One of them, BRIAN, is...

  • Offer You Can’t Refuse

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: if possibly could you guys do another Johnny quick death or another  john worley pitch  please i laugh so...

  • Australian Gladiator

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: Russell Crowe in American Gladiator. In my head I see someone being knocked off the pedestal in a American Gladiator...

  • Mount Tinder

    0

     Original Prompt:             Scene 1: Supernatural Dating Website...

  • Irresponsible Spelunker

    0

    ​Original Prompt  "another irresponsible uncle video starring Jon Worley"

  • The Last Buddy Cop Movie

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Last Buddy Cop Movie Scene: On the set of a buddy cop movie being filmed (5SF can determine the appropriate...

  • Fish For Dinner

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Story outline: A young woman answers the front door. She's happy to see her neighbor, but the neighbor sniffs the...

  • Mr. Bones Hits On Ladies

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: Set in a bar, a skeleton sidles up next to a woman and delivers skeletal pick-up lines. Successful or not.

  • In Flight Meal

    0

    ORIGINAL PROMPT: Guy in airplane pukes in paper bag. Flight attendant takes the bag away. Puts content in a small jar. (hard cut to...

  • Welcome to Hell

    2

    ORIGINAL PROMPT:The Devil tries to bother Officer Sminkle and it doesn't work, repeatedly. ​

  • Huge Overreaction From Paul On This...

    0

    ​Fat guy with neckbeard becomes enraged with fast food clerk for some reason. Let's say because they stopped serving breakfast, or they're...

  • The Big Question

    627

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: On his deathbed, a rich old man says, "I'd give it all away for one more day with her" and looks at an old framed...

  • Intergalactic S&M

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Pan-dimensional dominatrix: “The safe-word is [impossible noise for humans].” “Wait, how do I make that...

  • The Ball Drop

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: Setting: Brian's Underwear Scene: Think cliff hanger's opening scene Actors: Micheal E Peter (MEP) as Sylvester...

  • Mount Bro-More

    0

    ORIGINAL PROMPT:Brian and Ben are standing somewhere (probably a street) with a mountain in the background. Ben asks Brian, "Hey, do you...

  • The Apaulcalypse

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Anything related to Pauly P. A couple of ideas that come to mind.. Pauly P. goes to prison Builds his empire wins...

  • T&A

    0

    ORIGINAL PROMPT: "INT – ND LOCATION A MAN (maybe one with long hair, who could be confused for a female from behind, if we think...

  • HAL Discovers Wordplay

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "HAL DISCOVERS WORDPLAY The red-eye of the computer Hal looks on at the weary and haggard astronaut Dave, just trying...

  • The Only Kid It’s Okay To...

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Teacher (or some authority figure) is talking to the class: "You should all be nice to each other, no matter the race,...

  • Missing Child

    1

    ​I imagine this as a small series of 5SFs (three or four or five. In each one, someone is talking about some horrible tragedy, personal or...

  • Viggo On Viggo For Viggo

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "it's night time and person watching/reading looks at the night sky and there is constellation that looks like Viggo...

  • Mary Fappins

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT "a parody of the Mary Poppins song "I Love to Laugh," called "I Love to Fap." Kelsey walks into the room as Mary to find...

  • Ben Eats A Big-Ass Pickle

    3

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT "This one is VERY easy. Ben has to eat the largest pickle that Rouss can find. that's it. He promised he'd do in Dudebro...

  • Kelsey Cat: Origins

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "FIX IT IN POST a.k.a. HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED FOR REALLY REALS NO REALLY YOU GUYS scene opens to 5sf crew seated...

  • First Family Secret

    1

    ORIGINAL PROMPT:"A white woman is giving birth with the assistance of a doctor. Her white husband is there. She gives birth to triplets,...

  • One Sumo Two Many

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: Only close-ups are shown at this point. Person number 1(P1) is doing something in a tight space eg. kitchenette or...

  • Double Entendre

    10

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: Two guys are standing next to each other.  One points to a girl and says, "That girl asked me for a double...

  • Heavy Metal Lawyer

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: It starts off in a court room in the beginning of a trial with a judge naming off heinous crimes that the defendant has...

  • Do It

    2

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Here’s my 5SF pitch. The idea is based off of a comic I drew years ago. http://imgur.com/a/q0iFw Title: Just do...

  • Mystery Submission

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "What I had in mind was having it start out with Brian standing behind someone of the crew sitting at a computer and...

  • You Got Served

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "A person opens door expecting their food. It's someone with food but also a summons to appear in court (don't know...

  • Rad Rebel Riders

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "RAD REBEL RIDERS 70s lyrca-clad bike riding all women supeheroes the Rad Rebel Riders fight evil dudes with their...

  • The Second Amendment

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Close Up: The Second Amendment of the original constitution as it is being written. Voice from off screen: "...the...

  • A Terrible Idea For A 5SF

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: I have a terrible idea for a 5SF

  • The Big Test

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Several cuts of a student frustratedly studying all night for an exam. In the morning, a roommate comes down into the...

  • Chekhov’s Unloaded Gun

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Friendly Fire" 2 guys walk into an abode. The first man says "Hey, who's gun is that?" The second says "That's my...

  • Zanderflex: Snack Time

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "MAN: I want to eat your pussy! Whip-pan to WOMAN. WOMAN: Is this a pun? Whip-pan back to MAN. He is trying to eat...

  • I Need Space

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "The scene begins with a couple arguing. The girlfriend then tell him "Look, I just need some space alright?" Suddenly...

  • Life Is Gonna Be So Sweet

    3

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Life Is Gonna Be So Sweet." _ Shot 1. Brian, in a graduation gown, steps down off a stage and joins Michael R, also...

  • Joey Finds The Internet

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Space chicken is sitting in the dining room when Joey walks in and says "Hey I found the Internet" (just a box that...

  • With Regret

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Guy thinks it's April Fool's day and tries to do a prank but it's some other holiday instead so it gets really...

  • Something About Steaks

    3

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "What I had in mind was something like this: Indoor-Night, there's some people playing an intense game of poker,...

  • Yeti Cop

    598

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: A  POLICE OFFICER is pinned down by a group of crooks (gangbangers? 1920s gangsters?). He's calling for back up,...

  • The Worst 5sf Ever

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: Opening shot of Brian sitting in front of his laptop Brian: Rousselet, come check this out.  It has to be the...

  • Mind Palace

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Detective is at a crime scene. He says "I need to enter my *mind palace*" He enters his mind palace to find another...

  • Time For The Main Event

    8

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT "I'm a pro-wrestling fan and I love bad puns. So I thought you could combine these two things into a bigger thing! I...

  • Holden Girls

    0

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Two old women are sitting on a park bench, knitting. One: ""Ready yet Helga?"" Two: ""I sure am Gertrude."" They...

  • Hugh Can’t Get Enough

    6

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Guy named Hugh. Gets asked 'Hey, how are Hugh today?' Hugh Dies inside. Hugh: "Great thanks man. " Someone else...

  • The Best 5SF Ever Written

    3

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT "Brian begins looking through the backer-submitted 5sf ideas. Cut to the screen showing every message reading ""Olivia...

  • The Devil’s Delorean

    1

    ​ORIGINAL PROMPT: "The scene is set where Alec is upset and tells his friend the Devil (Ben), he wishes he could go back in time. The...

  • Bad Sandwich

    1

    Sometimes I have dreams that I'm back in high school, about to get onstage in "Inherit the Wind," and I've forgotten all my lines as Henry...

  • The Mile-Cry Club

    2

    ​When the "fasten seatbelt" sign is lit, that means the lavatory is out of use and you must be returned to your seat with your lap belt...

  • Midnight Makeout

    1

    ​He was shunned from going to the Hipsters NYE Ball, forced to toil in the basement, until his fairy godmother arrived and mumbled, in...

  • Frequent Flyer

    2

    ​Santa doesn't deal well with turbulence, ever since he saw the 1997 movie Turbulence, directed by Robert Butler, written by Jonathan...

  • Caroling In The City

    1

    ​This earned them a pretty stellar rep amongst the neighborhood trick-or-treaters as "the house that hands out cold, hard, unmarked cash...

  • Red Christmas

    2

    ​It all started when he received instructions from Alger Hiss to deliver special presents to Ethel and Julius Rosenberg. Sure, it was a...

  • Santa’s Gotta Brand New Bag

    3

    ​He waited. Waited in line behind Santa as he went through the X-Ray scanner, hoping he'd have to go through twice. Waited to see if Santa...

  • Don’t Disturb The Fish

    10

    ​This is what happens when you don't properly earmark the funds that are meant to be distributed between the Parks & Wildlife Preservation...

  • Stay In The Light

    1

    ​(new) RULES: http://i.imgur.com/rG1ATwU.jpg

  • Bump in the Night

    0

    ​Pain becoming pleasure is an interesting phenomenon. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and so it goes that once...

  • Appetite

    0

    ​Shortly after the divorce hearings, his ex-wife disappeared from the public eye. People thought it was strange because she had such a...

  • Tarot Terror

    0

    ​She predicted the water poisoning. Predicted the spread. Predicted the quarantines. She predicted the skin sloughing off the infected,...

  • Guard Dog

    1

    ​Contrary to the old way of thinking, dogs don't see in black-and-white. Our research has shown that they're limited to gradients of...

  • The Black Street Butcher Strikes...

    0

    ​Nobody put it together at first, even though the tape was discovered in an apartment at 414 Canary St. leased out to two (2) disappeared...

  • Dr. Doppleganger’s Mystery...

    0

    ​The good doctor lost his parents in a car accident when he was 11. His sister was slashed to death the following winter when she fell...

  • Beware

    3

    ​The next morning, a set of five pinched fingers slowly outstretched, extending their reach in all directions. An eye opened with the...

  • The Late Mr. Preston’s Wife

    2

    ​Alistair Preston never appeared to her in the flesh again, in the years that followed. Sometimes she’d catch a reflection in the glass...

  • Tone Death

    3

    ​Without the musical genius of The Great Contini, Susan would have never had a singing career. indeed, she would have had nothing - born a...

  • Rodolfo St. Tenedor, Heartthrob...

    4

    ​Rodolfo "Dolph" St. Tenedor was known far and wide for never pulling off a single successful wedding before lust and carnage took over....

  • Hot Rod

    5

    ​Admittedly, it needs to be plugged in more often than a Tesla, but that just means it needs wifi and artisanal fair trade coffee every 35...

  • Like Father Like Son

    5

    ​He likes fathers, he likes sons, he likes sisters, he like cousins. Basically what we're saying is he needs to be in prison before he...

  • One Man’s Future

    19

    ​Preston Bronconius wound up killing so many millions of Future Hitlers across space and time that he became known as the "Future Hitler...

  • Diction

    4

    ​Childish schoolyard pranks, such as the famous "I can make you speak Indian," can be easily deterred as seen here. For example, if...

  • Talk To Text

    7

    ​Knowing now that he would have to keep this charade up if it meant staying in a rent-controlled apartment, Joey went on to marry Tim,...

  • Keys, Wallet, Phone

    8

    ​The door locked behind him, and with all the neighbors gone for work, there was no phone he could use to call the bank and cancel his...

  • Fastest Feathers In The West

    20613

    ​He slandered his lady, kilt his steed, but worst of all - he lied about the thread count on the down comforter he sold him. Blood, my...

  • The Last 5sf - Part 2

    58

    Villains rise, heroes fall. An epic battle unfolds in the heart of space. And somewhere, deep in the bowels of Hollywood California, one...

  • The Last 5sf - Part 1

    32

    ​The gang becomes obsolete, and thus begins a mad quest for revenge. Part Two airs tomorrow. Be there. #Last5sf Filmed at: Laurel...

  • Snake Attack

    88

    ​They were the best attackers in the business. And brother, business was good. But they knew sooner or later their wild ride would come to...

  • The Man

    11

    ​Stan Lee's entire workday is like this. Just endlessly holding court for random twenty- and thirty-somethings, most of whom have nothing...

  • Welcome to Chincón

    22

    ​Officer Sminkle was a man on the run. A lone gun, wanted for the murder of America's bird. A private eye hiding behind a faded badge in...

  • Stepfather’s Christmas

    4

    ​It had been hard for him to win their love. They were finicky, standoffish and distrustful of him, as stepchildren are often wont to be....

  • Santa Lays Some Hard Truth

    8

    ​It's not that Santa's job requires him to keep tabs on kids once they grow out of believing in him, and believing that unprotected sex is...

  • Rad Dudes

    31

    ​The radness of these dudes was truly legendary. Tales of their rude 'tudes spread far and wide, echoing off every majestic mountaintop,...

  • Fugitive Penguin

    10

    ​He's spent his whole life on the waddle from the cops. An innocent penguin, framed for a crime he didn't commit, forced to slide from...

  • Backhanded Compliments

    10

    ​She later had to go to the emergency room, where doctors described her as "pretty in a weird, indie sort of way." The doctors were all...

  • Never Double Bag It!

    7

    ​The friction caused by double-bagging your groceries causes tiny holes to be torn in the paper, thus letting all the flavor seep out....

  • Tips For Being Successful

    643

    ​Buying off the cops is Tip 1. How do you get money to pay off the cops, you may ask? Tip 0: [redacted for lewd and indecent content]

  • Wardrobe Malfunction

    3

    ​Larry had a long day. He interviewed a bunch of idiots, had a sandwich, talked to a giant bagel, and had to arrange for special...

  • Monticello

    11

    ​Jefferson showed his drawings to Washington, who branded them "juvenile," "tasteless" and "not what this country needs right now." Then...

  • Doubloons

    15

    ​They fetch a fine price on Clown Island, where you can trade for the finest seltzer water and polka dot onesies of pure silk.

  • Guns

    18

    ​This incident spawned a massive gun control debate that raged its way into the media and Congress. Sweeping legislation was passed that...

  • The Great Bagel Debate

    13

    ​Larry continued to eat his sandwich from last Friday's 5-Second Film, "5SF: The Interview." He munched on it, savoring every bite, and...

  • Girl Back Home

    9

    ​It's the first rule of warfare: Never show your fellow trenchmate a photo of who you're fighting this godforsaken war for back home....

  • 5SF: The Interview

    13

    ​Larry's next three cards said "No really, I have a show to run, please stop talking," "So this is why you guys aren't more successful,"...

  • Revelation at a Comedy Club

    9

    ​He had known Mikey DeMarco since they were little kids. They played stickball, hit on girls, goofed off in class together, all their...

  • Paper Or Plastic

    16

    ​They obviously want you to pick plastic, since picking paper would mean one of them has to rip off their head and offer it to you as a...

  • Ska Band

    658

    ​You'd think after watching his band, The Skanking Spankers, go from playing Conan during the height of the third-wave boom to opening up...

  • Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippos

    15

    ​On the day of the last white pellet, Yellow Hippo pulled out his harmonica and trilled a little ditty. It wafted into the boxy night sky,...

  • The Valet’s Last Day

    13

    ​Over the final eight hours he would ever endure as a lowly, put-upon valet at Skdouche's Club & Restaurant, the jaunty fun of pranking...

  • The Kids Table

    7

    This Thanksgiving, be thankful that you didn't grow up learning how to sling china white heroin so you could buy black market rocket...

  • Streets Of Change

    7

    ​You can't ever seem to get past the second level (getting a sandwich at the 7-11) without wasting a ton of quarters. Instead, you're just...

  • Batman Vs. The Phantom

    12

    Music by John Robert Matz -www.johnrobertmatz.com ​He trained his mind and body to fight crime. Overcome all odds. Right all wrongs. But...

  • Legends of the Hidden Market

    11

    ​Anyone ever watched this show, wondering why the hell the contestants were so slow to get through the frozen food aisle and the cookware...

  • The Belt

    33

    DISCLAIMER: We understand if this one is troubling and offensive to you. Viewed in the context of the rest of our site, it may seem like...

  • 11 Months Sober

    10

    ​Part 4 of "Bummer Week."

  • No

    18

    Part 3 of "Bummer Week."​

  • Final Visit

    22

    Part 2 of "Bummer Week."

  • Gone Since October

    22

    ​Part 1 of "Bummer Week."

  • Sad Robot

    756

    ​There was a great heaviness filling up his circuits, drowning out the fading sparks in his motherboard. It was time to reboot forever....

  • The Spy Who Drugged Me

    7

    ​Of course, part of being attractive is being good at conversation - revealing the sides of you that are witty, intelligent, inquisitive,...

  • The Hunt

    14

    ​The hunters were brought in on charges of animal cruelty and murder, forced to stand before a court of law to explain their actions....

  • From The Makers Of…

    5

    ​The Executive Trilogy, of course, was the American remake of the original Swedish trilogy, which was an adaptation of a series of books...

  • Questions Of An Equine Nature

    12

    ​Clem did go on to have that horse ride him. They placed first at the Paralympics, for their flawless display of dressage, and their...

  • Death Meteor

    6

    ​Ever since his wife left him to date an astronaut, news anchor Franklin Burns devoted a lot more time to "wishing death upon humanity,...

  • Defending Your Life

    8

    ​Police picked him up on the side of Fairmont Ave., trying to hitch a ride back to Nilbog Caverns. He procured a lute from thin air, began...

  • Political Cartoon

    3

    ​The thong, you see, resembles the iron grip that Assad has over the lower buttcheeks of his country.

  • Improv Artist

    3

    ​His finished work, "BananaDogMichaelChiklisInsideKFCMiddleFingerFuckEveryoneI'mLeaving" now proudly hangs over one of the big booths at a...

  • Fun With Cellophane

    6

    ​Put some barf in your scarf with this classic cellophane prank. Don't wear a scarf? Get one so that the rhyme works, asshole. Wear it to...

  • She Won’t Stop Crying

    13

    ​Six seconds later, the crying stopped. And in its place came the silence, a cavernous absence of sound that grew more disconcerting with...

  • Dinner is Ready

    10

    ​His fingers unwillingly gripped the edge of the table, as if he had magnets in his fingertips. With every bone in his body, he tugged and...

  • Peanut Butter Patty

    12

    ​It wasn't until a week later that her co-workers noticed she hadn't come in to collect her holiday check. She never socialized much with...

  • Party Gone Wrong

    13

    ​Overcome with a new emotion, he got up from the table. He had never done that before. There was always the cake, always the seat, always...

  • The Closet

    10

    ​The next night, he woke up to find an endlessly long tentacle slithering down his throat, restricting his breathing and burning his...

  • RowboatCop: Origins

    9

    ​The operator neglected to inform the President of OCP that RowboatCops are definitely "a thing" in Japan, where people love to order...

  • I’m a Nice Guy

    566

    ​Scrambert would have to learn how to treat women with the same respect he would treat people he didn't want to take to the Bone Zone, or...

  • The Stick Up

    11

    ​Eventually, 2,999 of those 3,000 babies grew up asking who their daddy was and why he wasn't around. The synchronous sound of their...

  • The Painter

    12

    ​He excels in painting still life, which, after she dies from being completely covered in paint, she will be.

  • Oculus Split

    7

    ​Two-player mode isn't any easier, since the hunky rhythm guitarist level inevitably creates feelings of tension between P1 and P2,...

  • Put On Your Boyfriend Pants

    8

    ​He kept thrusting and thrusting, and the light still wouldn't turn on. It was then that he realized he never once actually pleased her in...

  • Time Traveller Problems

    10

    ​The concept of getting one's hands completely, utterly, wonderfully dry with this...non-motion activated...thing...called paper towels...

  • Tips To Avoid Conflict #115

    5

    ​After chopping off his fingers to keep from writing anything down, and surgically removing his eyeballs so as not to communicate with his...

  • Settlers of Catan

    20

    ​Doug's really touchy whenever you bring up his homeland, in any form in any sentence. Don't mention the totally unrelated Yucatan...

  • The Secret Mission Of The First...

    7

    ​The terrible Chiquita Shortage of 1949 never made it to history books, and the intrepid monkey Albert II faded away into obscurity. This...

  • A Very Important Dinner

    14

    ​So what have we learned from Dumpster Week, kids? Well, we learned that no dream is too big, no dumpster too small for a giant green man...

  • Homeless Romantic

    11

    ​She got married to the onion and he ate the chair. Silly homeless people, driven to ruin because of circumstances and forces beyond their...

  • Dumpster Diving

    13

    ​He unfortunately did not qualify for the Olympics, because you need to jerk off a lot of judges in a lot of alleyways to get to that...

  • Single Again

    7

    ​Once you get dumped, traditional modes of escape are impossible. The only recourse is to fall in love with one of the other dudes inside,...

  • Dumpster Baby

    6

    ​It came from his butt and he tried selling it in individual cans of kitchen-sliced asparagus until the company said "WTF get your butt...

  • Designated Drinker

    10

    ​Incidentally, if you go to a bar with your buddies and tell the bartender you're the designated drinker, you get free whiskey sours all...

  • Dangarang

    17

    ​When throwing a Dangarang with your friends, always make sure to use a lot of wrist action and have a lot of friends. If you don't have a...

  • The Chiropractor

    8

    ​On the off chance that someone comes into his office NOT feeling pain in their neck and back (and in that order), he'll just punch and...

  • It’s Not A Hickey

    7

    ​Who are you to judge? I pour yogurt down my pants just to simulate jizz stains wherever I go. Well, I guess that means I should say "Who...

  • Pixel Lover

    10

    ​You know the old saying: If there's 65,536 values stored in the integer, press start.

  • The Hurtlehead Is Coming!

    7

    ​The Paulsens across the way didn't throw out their Mercy Sphere in time last week, and the Hurtlehead made an abrupt 90 degree turn into...

  • How To Make It In Hollywood

    5

    ​All his lectures end up on RedTube for some reason.

  • Go Update Yourself

    7

    ​Today's up-to-date iPhone chargers, tomorrow's impromptu cat toys.

  • Mixed Drink

    11

    ​Ordering a Jack & Diet Coke is an oxymoron here, since coke is great for dieting. Dieting tip: Do coke

  • Grand Theft Auto

    8

    ​Featuring the most super-realest graphics ever, with totally sick real-life resolution, and an insane crazy big, massively multiplayer...

  • 5SF Joke Pitch #8001

    16

    ​Other people have tried pitching getting their dick sucked with not nearly as much success. Alec is just that good in the room.

  • Ignorant Smoker

    628

    ​Instead of cigarettes, Paul preferred to smoke marijuana. And this, kids, is the moral of the story: Don't smoke trees, lest they...smoke...

  • Ladies First

    13

    ​His father named him Ladies, after the top 250 things his dad loved the most and the top 12 things his dad divorced. Yes, his dad was the...

  • Late For Laughs

    21

    ​The cop asked for his license, and he pantomimed pulling out his wallet to retrieve it for the officer. When the cop said "You just...

  • A Big F You

    15

    ​He used to get hired as a birthday party clown on the basis of this one frightening, mind-bending mutant power, but when he trickled...

  • Animal Attraction

    9

    ​There are four kinds of stories you can tell: Man vs. Nature, Man vs. Man, Man vs. Dog's Butthole, and Man vs. Himself. This is clearly a...

  • NSA A-OK

    10

    ​THat's right. wE'rE just A meaninGLEss Comedy tRoupe wIth a littlE, Stupid gimmick. AnyThing you MIght Dare to piN on us Is just Gossip,...

  • Laying Out For It

    5

    ​His beer was so shaken up from that toss that the resulting foamy explosion led to a delay of game, one that cost Team Mike to miss three...

  • Damn

    5

    ​Undeterred, the beavers simply hopped on the wood and let it take them to their new home, where they would begin anew. The river promptly...

  • Hollywood Delivers

    666

    ​Hey man, what pizza do you wanna go see? I dunno either, just something to get out of the heat for a minute. Just to sit in an air...

  • Golden Ticket

    10

    ​They fucked.

  • Is Anyone Home?

    4

    ​This is the preferred tactic for getting rid of Jehova's Witnesses, but at least when they get told off by us, they get great .gif fodder...

  • Concerned Redneck

    3

    ​He's pretty deep-set in his ways, having been taught by generations of fathers in his family that gay people sometimes just walk instead...

  • Intergalactic Chivalry

    10

    ​She went back to his place, which was 13.7 billion light years away times two, and wait why times two? Well, look, we're strictly talking...

  • Belabor Day

    10

    ​It's a day so frought with tension, incident, history and moving parts to be explained, that most Americans can hardly know where to...

  • Pushing It

    9

    ​Halfway through their trip into the desert, they made amends and realized that their friendship was more important than labels and...

  • Lucky Guy

    9

    ​Later he got hit by an armored bank truck going 85 miles an hour, which was carrying $5 million in cash. Sources are still out on whether...

  • Escape Artist

    26

    ​The real magic trick is how they're still married. Wanna know how they pulled off that fantasmical illusion? Well, normally a magician...

  • Great Comeback

    948

    ​He said it. He couldn't take it back. Goobity-Dop. Those fateful syllables hung in the thick summer air like a chandelier of daggers held...

  • Afflecktion

    20

    ​People tried to make hacky jokes on Twitter about how Matt Damon should play the moon, but Matt Damon, those people, and everyone...

  • Dirty Boyfriend

    22

    He's so dirty that his girlfriend went back in time, enrolled at Bath University, nabbed a cheerleading uniform, got caught on her way back...

  • 19th Century Gentlemanscaping

    128

    ​Way back in the entirety of the 19th Century, men's vital arteries were located entirely in their balls (then referred to as "The Danger...

  • Working On The Chain Gang

    6

    They may not get any work done, but unlike a surly teenage boy, they'll never pretend they're working when really they're just masturbating...

  • They Can Dance If They Want To

    5

    ​The indian in the cupboard had enough. He and his brethren were going to be respected, they were going to get referred to by their actual...

  • Foreplay

    10

    ​These guys are looking to caddyshack up by putting from the rough, but they're playing miniature golf if you catch my drift. If you don't...

  • Hold Me Closer Tiny Batman

    11

    ​Sometimes one little word is all it takes to change the meaning of a sentence entirely. For example, Tomm didn't find Batman WHILE...

  • Where No Man Has Gone Before

    7

    ​With proof of Hell handily established, the intrepid men of NASA next turned their sights towards the North Pole, to see if Santa lived...

  • Gobegone Jabroni

    7

    ​Gobegone Jabroni is not available in Canada, Mexico or Puerto Rico. Gobegone Jabroni should not be activated when driving or operating...

  • Scientific Proof

    16

    ​What you CAN do as a ghost, however, is stick your dong in the freezer, which seems useless until you have nothing else to interact with...

  • Modern Parenting

    642

    ​I'm serious, I don't even own a babysitter anymore. I used to have one just to watch The Wire, but after that I was like "what is this...

  • Can’t Go

    13

    Usually when a man enters a restroom and there's a waterfall in the stall right next to him, it gets really awkward and uncomfortable,...

  • Over It

    11

    No description available because fuck it and fuck you and fuck this

  • Imagination Doctor

    4

    ​There were three clues he found while in there: A used condom, a burner cell phone, and a ripped-out phone book page for local strip...

  • Emo Kids All Grown Up

    108

    ​Well technically, a third of his life is only over if he lives to be 90. Which, based on his paleo/vegan diet, means it's highly likely....

  • Mustache in the Wind

    13

    ​The Southern Reticulated Mustache is not a pack mustache like other breeds. It is raised by the mother for about 3-4 months in the wild...

  • RowboatCop

    20

    ​Part Man. Part Rowboat. All...wait what? How can anyone be part rowboat? I don't care who you are, that doesn't work. No. Sorry. I defy...

  • The Circus Comes to Town

    19

    Most traveling circuses tend to attract rats, cockroaches and termites. This one drives them out, and as a bonus it even kills stupid...

  • Going Out

    8

    ​Who has two thumbs and doesn't love an orgy? Hydra-Thumb, a ravenous beast with two giant thumbs for heads that stomps around the city,...

  • Making Faces

    8

    ​Four months later, a body was found face-down in the Hollywood Reservoir. It was later identified as Hollywood movie star Ryan Gosling....

  • Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts

    23

    ​Automated butt services are the total worst. You never get a real butt to deal with your problem, just some computerized butt that can...

  • The Merry Prankster: School Days

    9

    ​This is at least better than that time he set three goats loose on campus, with paint on each that said "1," "2," and "[backwards Latin...

  • Struggling Skywriter

    11

    ​His first message on the job was "Allison Will You MarrExcuse Me One Second Brad, I Just Need To Figure Out How To Fly Lower To Write The...

  • Confession at the Farmer’s...

    7

    ​Locally-sourced, farm-fresh, organic skag is really hard to come by, particularly gluten-free. This farmer's market is the only one for...

  • Awkward Silence

    598

    ​They briefly forgot their conversation, which was about whether an oscillating fan is best in the summer for cooling an entire room, or a...

  • Ruthless Master

    15

    ​His skill is legendary. His aura is undeniable. His puns strike fear into the hearts of his students. His name is Brad and he doesn't...

  • Cermi-Cern: Erpiserds 4-7

    24

    ​Cermi-Cern ersn't jerst fer th' nerrrds anymerr! Now all SERTS of BIRG HERLYWERD MERVIES are merd from cermic berks! Herr are serm...

  • Figure Drawing

    15

    ​She got straight As. The other guys got straight Ds. Hey, it's art class, baby: You do the math.

  • The First Ever Recorded Girl Poop?

    13

    ​He was fooled again, for the 700th time that week. The thrill of true scientific discovery, alas, would have to wait another day....

  • Don’t Leave Me Hanging

    12

    ​It's an ironclad rule of bro physics, and it even applies to the written word as well. Fail to deliver a sick punchline after setting up...

  • Connections

    685

    ​Statistically, guys think about sex every 12 seconds. Just not with her.

  • Brain Fart

    10

    ​They've been trying for years to have a baby. Doctors can't explain it. She's literally the most fertile woman on Earth.

  • A Betting Man

    10

    ​Jimmy "Bets Entirely Too Much" Pocobean was known as A Betting Man, that drunken nouveau riche billionaire in every tight-knit community...

  • Intimacy Bat

    570

    ​Nothing says "I demand that you respect my needs as a woman and give me the attention, the care, and the love I deserve" quite like a bat...

  • Bath Tub Gin

    596

    ​Some DIY-gin snobs say dirty friends are great for the fermenting process. But don't just take the first drink they offer you! Eventually...

  • A Family Affair

    11

    ​There's a reason the yearly family reunions are held at the optical department in the Wal-Mart over on Delancey and 12th. Because the...

  • Dimo Higgins : Goblin Hunter

    16

    ​Dimo's new set of ads didn't make it to public access TV like he wanted, but they did wind up getting used as preroll behind some...

  • Bullets Come Down

    60

    ​It's okay, because had the bullet not come down at that time, he would have opened up the nearest dictionary, found the definition of...

  • American Folklore

    14

    ​Sasquatch made his first million when he forwarded an e-mail that Bill Gates wanted him to. Then he invested in a giant cardboard check...

  • ...OH

    20

    ​His positive energy mostly consisted of the word oh, which the moon returned in kind by being shaped like a giant O. He achieved oneness...

  • Sherlock Holmes: The Mystery Of The...

    14

    ​The ants knew they'd be melted under the persistant, focused glare of the magnifying glass, and yet they marched on, as if accepting...

  • Lovin’ Oven

    5

    ​Needless to say, he got all the animation special effects in the divorce. Which left him essentially penniless.

  • Mike Swap

    11

    ​Slowly but surely, Mike wound up replacing Mike in every single way. The car he drove, the girlfriend he smooched, the paychecks he...

  • Faking It

    7

    ​If only she didn't know how to speak Girl. If only she didn't know "Yes! Yes! Unnnhh! Oh my god!! YES!!" meant "At least the last guy...

  • The First Tramp Stamp

    6

    ​It was either this or the Chinese symbol for "Tranquility," which the tattoo artist would totally just ignore in favor of tattooing the...

  • Paul Trashes His Friends

    11

    ​They tried bargaining, but it only made him sure he wanted to permanently erase the items in the trash. With no backup drive in sight,...

  • That Guy

    18

    ​We all have one friend like this. Mine's an 80's prog Jabba. Yours might be a Folk Boba. And Mary-Ellen's, well, doesn't take a Nawlins...

  • Photobooth Confessional

    6

    ​Her mom just wants some invisible grandchildren before she gets whisked away to Unicorn Land. Is that so wrong? To want to hold up a ball...

  • Self Control Room

    5

    ​Our Stream-a-thon will be going down here: http://live.5secondfilms.com/ But not if Tim can't tamper his urges in the control room....

  • Wishful Thinking

    10

    ​Just because people look like genies, doesn't give you the right to take a crap wherever you like. I made that mistake when I ran into...

  • Huge Overreaction From Dave on This...

    19

    ​Seriously Dave, it's not that big a deal.

  • Art

    15

    ​Great art should challenge our perception of the world and of ourselves - even, yes, challenge our perception of what art can be. It is...

  • The Fall

    9

    ​It was just his luck: The Stair-Gun Killer, a notorious mass murderer whose crimes involved taping guns to stairs and hooking up...

  • My Ninja Friend

    9

    ​A similar version of this went down last week, when the ninja needed a new kidney and his friend just would not give his up even though...

  • Cultural Insensitivity

    14

    ​Tiny, tiny, tiny El Salvadorians wear festive sombreros, all right? Read up on their culture before you make generalizations. Also, if...

  • 24k Golden Labrador

    10

    ​It's all thanks to his new diet, which consists entirely of liver, chicken and prank toys from Spencer's Gifts.

  • Side Effects May Include

    16

    Depression WAS ruining her life. Staring at her in the bathroom mirror, blocking her car in the garage at work, giving her mail from the...

  • Destructive Relationship

    14

    ​Baron von Death would not accept the smallness of his dick. To him, conquering the world with impractical octo-laserbots was all the Dick...

  • The New iPatch

    21

    ​Havin' trouble catchin' up on all yer favorite shows and Oscar-winning movies when ye be bravin' the high seas? Shiver yer timbers no...

  • Kelsey & Olivia’s Topless...

    19

    ​Being topless can be surprisingly freeing. It opens you up to new experiences. Like, well, doing stuff off camera, for one.

  • Pizza Party

    16

    ​Pizza parties let you know you're alive. They let you feel connected to your fellow pizza-purchaser. They let you know your place in the...

  • Keep Eye Contact

    12

    ​Don't you just hate that? When you're trying to have a conversation with a guy, and not reveal that you're a distant relative to the...

  • Good Cop, Rocket Alligator

    107

    ​It's the oldest routine in the cop book: Got a perp who won't 'fess up? First guy comes in, butters him up with perks, protection, plea...

  • The Nickelodeon Tapes: Zero Gak...

    707

    ​The body of Bob Jackson, former head of content development at Nickelodeon Studios, was never recovered. The covert ops team was no...

  • The Devil Is In The Details

    15

    Satan selfies are the worst, primarily because he won't stop re-taking them until he's totally possessed your phone with apps that show you...

  • In the Fine Print

    27

    In this dog-make-dog-sign-contract world, you have to take what you want, no matter what their level of reading comprehension.

  • Harry’s Ex-Wives

    14

    Sometimes, you honestly think they invented the word "Divorce" just for Harry. Of course, they didn't, but they did invent another word for...

  • Sadness³

    20

    ​It makes lemonade saltier, yet it makes Diet Coke Salt with Lime taste sweeter. Possibly because Diet Coke Salt with Lime is 90% salt.

  • Vitamin C You Later

    748

    This was in the original draft of M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening," but was changed in the revisions because the trees weren't supposed...

  • Door-To-Door Door Salesman

    100

    9 times outta 10, the customer says no. It's a tough racket, being a salesman. But what keeps people coming back to this job is that 1 time...

  • Manbortion

    11

    You ever passed a kidney stone, son? (Hunkers down, pours six grams of Bushmills in an iced tumbler, lights a Cohiba and exhales) No, I...

  • Brian’s Latest App Idea

    14

    Ever since I saw someone become a millionaire just for selling an app that tells you to "Stop Buying Apps, Stupid" every time you enter the...

  • Breaking Into Hollywood

    10

    Incidentally, Rousselet's screenplay was called "Breaking Into Hollywood," which was about a hardscrabble screenwriter named Michael...

  • Hoverbums

    13

    Ever since Bloomberg demanded all vagabonds get ultra-powerful hover technology installed in their bodies (and on the taxpayer's dime, no...

  • Becky’s Bad Day

    12

    It is the question that burns deep in the heart of every man, woman and child who suffer quiet indignities and weather harsh times: Who,...

  • The Day After Mother’s Day

    15

    Take some time out each year to recognize the sacrifice your mom gave in bringing you into this world. Like finding the right doctor, since...

  • Mother’s Day

    23

    ​Mother's Day is Sunday. Call your mom. Mother's Day is Sunday. Call your mom. ​Mother's Day is Sunday. Call your mom. Mother's Day is...

  • Practical Effects

    37

    ​The body fell into a pile of unused greenscreen and was proclaimed missing at the scene. The perfect murder...until someone noticed that...

  • Smooth Operator

    16

    Darnell Quick is a man of many talents. By "many" I mean two, one of which is being able to rotate his own tires and the other is picking...

  • House Full of Love

    11

    Roommates? No. No, he definitely never had any roommates. And they certainly never took up an entire rack on the fridge with their pizza...

  • Terror on Fork Island

    13

    ​Their ship ran aground on the jagged reef of Bowtie Pasta Bay, a hellish oasis once thought to be a myth, meant to keep children in line....

  • The Death of Cinco de Mayo

    29

    And lo, did the tale of Jon and Brian, two massively unstable drinking partners unbound by time and unshaken by death, come to a bitter,...

  • Urine Trouble

    7

    Last week he put molasses on the windshield of his roommate's car, and diarrhea in the wiper fluid tank, but wound up just shitting all over...

  • Crambox

    8

    Albert's crambox was home to many a blue feeling, sad thought and bummer memory. One could argue that a box can't hold words in speech form,...

  • Stoned Alone

    23

    ​Everyone's favorite mischievous prankster, Kevin McCallister, never left the booby-trapping game behind even as he grew into a shallow,...

  • Research

    15

    He pulled an all-nighter last night, hopscotching between Inventory articles on The AV Club, Cracked lists about the most badass dictators...

  • Try Anything

    11

    ​First, the dancing Coke can with sunglasses failed miserably. Then, the little skeleton doll on the podium thingy that falls apart when...

  • Free Lunch

    15

    What Kelsey fails to realize is that eating a hobo with a green jacket does not mean you're keeping true to the Green Diet plan. Or maybe...

  • Fully Baked

    15

    ​It's a blistering 98 degrees inside your mouth. But you'd never know that based on how much of a wuss your tongue is. Like seriously,...

  • Paparazzi Proof

    23

    Photos of her getting a froyo or walking with Cam Gigandet to Runyon Canyon for a workout double-date with their agents fetch a price of...

  • Roofies

    741

    Once his head hit the floor, she slammed her drink on the back of his skull like she was spiking a football after a touchdown. "Boom," she...

  • History of 4/20

    11

    The history of 4/20 is a vast, complicated and storied one, chock-full of incredible stories that are all exactly like this and nothing else...

  • Doug VS. Godzilla

    10

    They quickly became best friends and started exchanging a ton of records, crushing entire city blocks with each clomp to the vintage record...

  • LOCKED OUT

    620

    In another hilarious reversal of expectations, Doug Benson also tends to eat his pants and pour cereal on his legs to cover his genitalia....

  • The Zookeeper’s Worst Day...

    15

    The monkeys learned to talk that day, which was . They all said "Your marriage is crumbling. See a therapist together. Give her some...

  • The Hand That Spins The Vinyl

    20

    ​Lots of people think that when the devil lies to you, it involves a supremely ironic spin on the truth - like promising you'll become...

  • Sassy Lassies

    17

    Snarky euphemisms for each other's vaginas abound, continuing well into the morning light, until soon they're remarking upon each other's...

  • Mr. Silly’s New Hire

    14

    To get in character for playing a puppet being puppeteered by a puppet, Mr. Silly watched "Adaptation" a bunch and drank absinthe. I concede...

  • Puppet Couple Trouble

    23

    HE HAS HIS FATHER'S EYES DO YOU SEE, GENTLE VIEWERS DO YOU SEE

  • No One Suspects

    13

    Look kids, most of the puppets you've come to love on your local TV programs have butt-banged a few magic fish in their day, and this is...

  • The Lip Reader

    654

    Bobby "Blabbermouth" Feltoni knew there were spies in his midst. He couldn't trust the cops he paid off, couldn't trust his men, couldn't...

  • On The Bright Side

    14

    ​Just when you thought Haiku Week was done...it was. Because here's Puppet Week! "A Puppet Notifying Us Of When Things Are Haikus" Week....

  • Truth Or Dare

    16

    Daredevils never ask for a Truth, not because they're adept at kissing dudes while ramping over canyons, but because inevitably the Truth...

  • Elephant in the Room

    67

    The elephant in the room is an elephant. The "elephant in the room" is how the hell did an elephant get in the room. Either way, nobody talk...

  • Grandest Theft Auto

    683

    Most of us just sleepwalk through our lives, trudging in and out of the same old office, eating the same old food and pacifying our inner...

  • Reds

    11

    Later, as his brutal sunburn matures into a shining golden tan, he will slither back into the shadows of anonymity - once more becoming a...

  • The History of April Fool’s...

    684

    Jon asks a question and gets one hell of an answer. Prepare yourself for the wildest explanation of history yet. Source: "April Fools' Day:...

  • New York City Apartment

    12

    The typical joke about New York apartments is that they're really reallysmall and the rent is exorbitantly high. Here, however, you'll see...

  • 5sf Joke Pitch #237

    8

    Rocket chairs used to come standard with any comedy writer's room, until the company making them got blamed for the Great Hack Massacre of...

  • Double Date With The Devil

    30

  • How People Would Really Use Time...

    21

    Using time travel to inform your past self of where you left your car keys, or how bad the milk was, or that a guy peddling celebrity home...

  • Jam Party

    19

    You keep thinking your friend can change. That he can learn to love you, and love the idea of a party based entirely on spreading jam of...

  • Eco-Friendly

    15

    We waste so much water by flushing inside. Why not flush outside and help grow your trees and plants while fertilizing them at the same...

  • Suggestion Box

    16

    The top suggestion last month was "Take Worley's Suggestions Seriously, Much to His Detriment," right after "Get a New Toaster Oven For the...

  • A Harsh Strain

    12

    Model homegrown weed, on the other hand, offers a smooth sterile buzz, but you won't grow up to be traumatized and make great art because of...

  • Dance Lessons With: New Politics

    9

    ​Rousselet should have seen this one coming. His salsa instructor was a bottle of Pace Picante.

  • The Popular Girl’s Graduation...

    10

    Becky Sanders went on to prove them all wrong. She not only raised her baby, she got a job at a Fortune 500 company, worked her ass off for...

  • Death at a Rodeo

    36

    Scrimp Bramble, the town asshole, was scared to die but even more scared to be called a fake cowboy, and boy did the crowd love every shriek...

  • Late Night Rendezvous

    37

    Yes. Yes, boys. He came. He came into her fort. Her fort. That's what he did. He came into her fort. And they played fort games. And then he...

  • What Happened To You?

    20

    In high school, while still a boy, he was voted Most Likely To Identify As A Woman Yet Totally Still Be Into Boobs, so the fact that this...

  • Flex To Impress

    20

    Flexing is a rite of passage amongst young, hyper-jacked buffbros. But what happens when the babe flexes back? Few buffbros are able to deal...

  • Butt Play

    24

    A command performance at Carnegie Hall took place one week later. Four people died.

  • Home Brew

    20

    The beers don't wear condoms and God knows what goes on in those mini-fridges. It's truly inadvisable to sleep with them, or even rub them...

  • Art Lover

    103

    Throughout time, billionaires the world over have killed starving artists in the name of keeping things unnecessarily expensive. Today...

  • Danglers

    10

    ​The other boogies never quite recovered from that harrowing incident, watching their fellow boogies fall to their horrifying death. Years...

  • Checkpoint

    11

    In the interests of fairness, he selects cars with men in them too - but he's not as lenient with dudes who wind up blowing over a .15. Then...

  • All Pope is Lost

    26

    Actually, you'd be surprised how few letters to God get opened or passed onward by the Pope. It's mostly a whole office floor of interns...

  • Life Choices

    12

    Hey Whatta Horse Yes This Is My Name For My Race Horse I'm Rich So Fuck You started out life as a powerful, preternaturally talented race...

  • Friends Who Understand

    20

    Through thick and thin, gay and straight-but-gay, your friends are always there to not cry on your shoulder or give a shit about anything...

  • Dead in Bed

    31

    Role play is mostly limited to "Catholic schoolgirl and zombie teacher" or "meter maid and upset zombie driver" or "zombie plumber and girl...

  • Break-Up Gift

    18

    ​Dogs love peanut butter, you love your ex-girlfriend, and your ex-girlfriend loves your dog. It's all a big circle of unrequited love,...

  • In Memoriam

    14

    The Kid's Choice Awards are always rife with political maneuvering, it even extends to who gets more applause in the Death Montage. Only the...

  • Les Meowsérables

    58

    I've made peace with the team over Oscar Week, or Pawsc-Bark Wagk, or whatever they wanted to call it. Personally, I think there's virtue in...

  • Life of Paw

    28

    ​So, um, apparently "Pawsc-Bark Week" isn't good enough, and now the producers want it to be "Pawsc-Bark Wagk"? This is bullshit! All of...

  • Ringo Unleashed

    22

    ​So now I'm being told that the title "Paw"-scar Week is not testing well? And they're changing it to "Pawsc-Bark" Week? That doesn't make...

  • Air Bud: Zero Bark Thirty

    25

    ​Oscar Week continues, only now it's "Paw"-scar Week! Wait, weren't there two dog-themed 5sfs in a row? No? I'm clearly imagining things...

  • The Master

    100

    Oscar Week begins with this hilarious, heartwarming treat for the whole family - a harrowing look into the battle of two very different men,...

  • Problem Child

    11

    What's worse, Joe paid for his son's pilot lessons, helped pay off his loan to get the plane, and even stitched together the flight cap and...

  • Scarface’s Secret

    10

    In this country, you gotta get the flowers first. Then when you get the flowers, you get the chocolates. Then when you get the chocolates,...

  • Compensating

    17

    ​Confidence is like a big-cocked shopping cart in a sea of tiny-dicked Audis. In fact, you should just say screw it to your brand new Audi...

  • Midget Break-In

    16

    ​Their big score was yet to come: Another house, just up the hill, foolishly stacked their gold bars on the bottom shelves of their...

  • Chinese New Year

    67

    Haha! Racist joke about writing checks! HahhahahaChina will bury us all.

  • Sunday Morning Strut

    118

    ​Neither of them died. Death is a construct, waiting to be escaped. However, they both got old and feeble, living eternally at the age of...

  • West People Problems

    82

    Everyone living in New York died.

  • Streak Free Shine

    24

    The homeless person froze to death that night.

  • Paul Vs. Banana

    25

    ​Paul died.

  • A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.

    17

    ​Al Jones didn't know he loved taking things other people said and turning them into acronyms. Not until he met his new best friend,...

  • Police Line

    67

    Warning: Boobsticks is still at large and considered extremely dangerous. If you have encountered Boobsticks, and you didn't have a machete...

  • Powered By Dreams

    24

    ​Back when California had those "rolling blackouts" to conserve power, Hollywood still glowed nice and bright, like a beacon of despair...

  • Chad Ridderson’s First Day at...

    103

    Chad went on to overcome his deep sentimental attachment to those halcyon days of bodyshots, drunken stand-up paddleboard races and...

  • Studies Show

    25

    9/10 is considered "The Golden Ratio" amongst the scientist-recommendation community. But every now and then, there is a tenth scientist who...

  • Power Lunch

    95

    Side effects to being this mega-shredded are as follows: Increased chance of heart failure, rage-cagin' city-wide rampages, and an inability...

  • Slayer

    65

    Can you change a lesbian? Should you change a lesbian? Isn't it completely none of your business whether you can or can't change a person...

  • Comfy Couch

    56

    You didn't "lose" your car keys in there for four hours. They were borrowed by your alternate universe friends to help move some a new bed...

  • Another Day at the Office

    17

    Fellow employees describe him as "cheerful," "easy to get along with," "attentive and focused," "comes in late on Mondays," and "eats shit."...

  • Montezuma’s Revenge

    714

    Kelsey's not wrong - after all, ​"Montezuma" is Nahuatl for "Master Cleanse." Not many people know that, primarily because I made it up....

  • Ol’ Rail Riding Rodney

    14

    On account 'a being a skeleton since the days of President James Madison, Ol' Rodney's seen some things you people wouldn't darn near...

  • Making The Paper

    97

    Ever since all the nice girls started blogging and tweeting, it seems like only the mean nasty girls are left in print media. Good thing...

  • Fortune Teller

    13

    Always make sure to ask your Fortune Teller for precise clarification as to who, or what exactly, your wife may be seeing. If it's a turnip,...

  • Winning Ticket

    18

    The winnings totaled somewhere around $300,000,000. It wasn't enough to beat his boss' legal team when they successfully argued that placing...

  • Study Party

    23

    He had a killer final the next day. Using his knowledge of physics, he absolutely nailed the beer pong section, but Professor Brodacious...

  • The Ultimate Wingman

    88

    ​He's since improved from his old wingmanning days, but get a few drinks in him and he'll still wind up telling people all about what a...

  • Joey Stromboli’s

    91

    This is the second time his money laundering front has gone under before it even started. First time, it was a "Fluff-n-food"...

  • What’s My Name?

    796

    Winners of the "What's My Name?" game receive a year's supply of rejection, dinner for one at the Couples In Love Spa/Resort, and a round...

  • Hand In Hand

    16

    They've never really completed a high-five. Not at a baseball game, not at an international high-five competition (they lost), not even at...

  • Rock Around The Alarm Clock Rock

    17

    Sometimes he sets his drummer for 7:30 PM by accident, and the whole neighborhood basically gets to hear "Moby Dick" for 4 hours until he...

  • Mr. Silly’s Song Time

    97

    Mr. Silly is a puppet of few words, though his song collection is vast, eclectic, and betrays the sensitive soul within. Thousands upon...

  • Old Cops Discover The Internet

    169

    ​Delighted by hilarious, extremely current memes, or "may-mays," as they referred to them, these two beat cops found their life's work...

  • Meatball Sub

    73

    ​If only Rousselet took care to note that he was walking into a Subway "Punnel" as opposed to an "Abortion Clinic," which is where he...

  • Sex Toys

    54

    ​Even better, there's no on or off switch directly on the toy! Hours of fun for whoever's holding the remote, and no one else ever!!

  • Police Line

    1

  • Ladies’ Resolution

    21

    ​Why does food only talk to women? Simple: Men's Y chromosomes prevent them from hearing and seeing the true evil that lives within the...

  • The Final Countdown

    14

    ​Ever since he resolved not to drink his life away many years ago, Crendell Brothman proceeded to do exactly the opposite and get blitzed...

  • Post-Interaction Smile Reduction...

    5787

    The highly scientific PISRQ (often referred to as "Piss Rock" for short) can analyze the fall of the mouth corners as a person turns away...

  • The Slip

    122

    He doesn't even do anything down there. Just marvels at his ability to make it this far through the powerful security, sends out a tweet...

  • Forgettingtown

    96

    It all started on a night where it might have been raining and dark and such, when a sexy, smoldering woman (maybe a smoldering man? Will...

  • The Most Magical of Days

    22

    Rum in the egg nog. Peppermint schnapps in the cocoa. Mulled wine. Cider. However you shut the fuck up this holiday season, do it with...

  • How Santa Gets Into Every House On...

    10

    With every limb snapping, stretching and groaning to hundreds of feet long, flesh elongating and twisting around rooftop antennas, and...

  • What Do You Want For Christmas?

    6

    You'd be surprised by how often Santa gets asked to help terminate a failed marriage. Let's just say he goes through a box of pantyhose and...

  • Polar Express

    57

    Just like Robert Zemeckis' delightful family film, you can watch this "Polar Express" in 3D as well. All of the marital strife, quiet...

  • Atheist Uncle

    15

    For years, his daily checklist consisted of screencapping religious facebook posts that he's trolled, and posting them online. It wasn't...

  • Santa Snacks

    96

    In a fit of marijuana-induced mania, Santa also mocked up the newspapers announcing his spectacular failure at distributing presents, and...

  • Santa Gives Up

    9

    Santa knows you like that one thing at the other place, whatever it was. Go nuts. Just don't spend it all in one place, ho ho ho! The joke...

  • XXXmas Cookies

    30

    Should XXXmas Cookies spring to life, then impishly run away daring you to catch them, fear not: Their big floppy gingerbread tits and dicks...

  • Santa is Coming to Town

    7

    Plug in your lawn decorations, heat up your apple cider, and call your lawyer. Because Christmas is coming, and you're wanted for killing a...

  • Pauly P. Takes Care Of His Ma

    701

    The strength of family togetherness can endure most anything, including but not limited to: Hair gels that add great sheen but provide no...

  • Pranksters

    83

    Costco sells huge, jumbo-sized packs of conical Lakota tribe tents for like 15 bucks. Merely useful household items to most, but instruments...

  • Neighborhood Watch

    11

    Esther-Anne Pembrook and Dr. Stormelius Thrombone made an average of 9,345 calls to the local police department per year. It all started...

  • Pizza

    681

    Domino's has this special 2-for-1 deal where you eat the second pizza your girlfriend was supposed to have, because you just got broken up...

  • The 1st Annual Empty Chair Spelling...

    557

    If your child has a really, really hard time spelling "supple," count your blessings. Or your child may just be stupid, in which case you...

  • Cockpit

    652

    The black box they recovered from the wreckage was immediately seized by the government, and caused such a fit of inappropriate laughter in...

  • Drinking Etiquette

    15

    Follow these simple etiquette tips and you're sure to make a splash at your next dinner party. Kind of like how you splashed your lips all...

  • An Uncomfortable Situation

    19

    Genital Switching sounds fun at first, but the operation is irreversible. Ladies, trust us, your yoga pants won't fit anymore. And guys,...

  • The Last Prank Call Ever

    14

    She was the last person not to own a cell (or a phone with caller ID) and he was the last person to think calling someone he doesn't know,...

  • So What Do You Do…?

    66

    Can she still call this a blind date if he's plastered hundreds of images of her all over every available surface in his apartment? Or will...

  • Death Switch Catastrophe

    14

    Warning: The 5-Second Film you are about to see or have already seen contains extreme gore, scenes of cannibalism, self-mutilation and young...

  • The Last Dinosaur

    105

    "Time Enough At Last...To Wank" was the weirdest episode of Kidz' Twilight Zone that Nick Jr. ever aired, and really made things awkward for...

  • The Game Of Love

    26

    These ported Japanese dating sims are oddly accurate about the central Los Angeles dating scene, even if they don't fully grasp the English...

  • Cyber Monday

    12

    After Cyber Monday comes Age/Sex/Location Tuesday, followed swiftly by Court-Mandated Restraining Order Wednesday, and finally Thirsty...

  • New Restaurant, Old Couple

    53

    They base their whole schedule around when new, oddly named restaurants are opening, and when they're busy screwing each other's friends and...

  • The First Thanksgiving

    13

    Thanksjesus is keen to point out white devils of all shapes and sizes, as well as Dust Devils, dirt devils, and deviled eggs. If you ever...

  • People Saying Important Things Into...

    17

    Saying important things sucks and drinking wine kicks ass. The solution, ladies and gentlemen, is obvimhmmmrbbbllbllbrmmblr.

  • Old-Fashioned Stalker

    10

    He even takes time to cut individual letters out of magazines to spell things like "I WILL STRING YOUR LONG INTESTINE AROUND YOUR MAILBOX."...

  • Manscaping

    15

    Putting the flamingo on the left is a good idea, as the right side is already taken up by a patch of gardenias, a garden gnome, two wrinkly...

  • Meanwhile In Colorado…

    108

    See, the problem here is that Prop 472B passed as well, which states that aggro Colorado cops, denied the chance to bust in some stoner...

  • Nocturnal Emissions

    51

    Curiously enough, it was just a dream about dumping a bunch of Fritos into a salad bowl and drizzling maple syrup over it. Sure, there were...

  • Never Gonna Drink Again

    138

    He's a great party wingman until your liquor starts to taste like water. Then he becomes something else entirely.

  • Tramp Stamp

    123

    Her friends tried to stop her from getting more, but it was too late: She was addicted. The next day, she breezed into a sketchy ink parlor...

  • Banishment

    18

    The town of Equalrightstria loves a good banishing at dawn, and the town crier is always present to cup an ear towards the fields, just to...

  • Viral Video

    50

    "Dying Kid" eventually hit #1 on iTunes for 12 solid weeks, even though it was just a dialysis machine beep set to a David Guetta beat. He...

  • The Oversharer

    114

    He's been kicked out of numerous coffee shops, bars and restaurants, yet he keeps coming back to stream 40gb of porn at any given minute on...

  • Say Anything Louder

    9

    Peter Gabriel has a pretty obscure B-Side called "Attention Mother: Your Daughter is Upstairs Making Out With My Mortal Enemy, The Jock"...

  • New Voting Method

    10

    There was a lot of controversy in the media that this new method was prejudiced against non-buff minorities and elderly folk, but screw it,...

  • The Dangers of Makin’ Bacon

    13

    The Dangers of Makin' Fakin' Bacon usually entail two drunk girls making out, but we didn't really have the budget for that one.

  • What Were You…

    116

    Frankie and Cinnamon would see each other three more times during the course of Frankie's annual Vegas trips with his golfing buddies. By...

  • A Real Found Footage Horror Movie

    65

    Ah, but putting down the camera precludes you from spawning a $600 million blockbuster horror franchise, with a new installment every...

  • The Early Bird Killer

    10

    Ever since he switched to decaf, cut out heavy food after 6 PM, and started using piano wire to slice his victims' throats, he's really...

  • The Dorian Gray Diet

    10

    Satanic magical Faustian-bargain horrifying twist-ending diet fads never work. Just eat less, move more and supplement with the occasional...

  • Say His Name Three Times

    18

    The more people who believe in his terrifying legend, the more amped he gets. Or it could just be all the sugary candy he steals from your...

  • Siri-ous Help

    712

    Apple Maps does a great, great, GREAT job of finding long-lost and even deceased dads. To the point that Apple CEO Tim Cook, when presented...

  • Bentley the Break Room Robot

    25

    He's programmed to boost company morale (and store all of the server room's metadata), but instead he's boosting all the good snacks and...

  • Opposite Day

    20

    They later suffered massive head trauma when they rode bikes backwards on the 10 West Interstate heading East, pedaling with their hands and...

  • Happy Ending

    17

    Somedays she really phones it in at the end, and just starts picking random points in "Love Actually" to describe - forgetting, as always,...

  • Time Travel Phone

    751

    Seeing as how each phone call sets you back $15,000, Mark has reason to be angry with his past self. Sadly, the anger creates a cycle of...

  • Revenge on the Pigeons

    682

    Three days later, the pigeons hobbled across the lawn to their beat-up 1995 Toyota Celica. It had a log of human feces right on top of the...

  • Captain’s Order

    9

    The crew figured something was up when Glass Eye Pete sneezed too hard, shooting his glass eye into the ocean, causing the captain to leap...

  • One Night Stand

    16

    A Low-Five is reserved only in the most dire of circumstances. But there's hope; at least she didn't yank it away from her friend at the...

  • Paul Ryan’s Workout Plan For...

    94

    Did you see how hard Paulie's been blasting his pectorals? Check the striations on those pumped-up calves! Bro's fitness plans for the...

  • Red Bull’s Stratos Test Jump...

    12

    For a while there during the early stages, Red Bull had confused "Fund NASA in order to successfully complete a huge jump" with "Silly...

  • Kelsey’s Big Hollywood Break

    15

    If all these Kelseys teamed up, they could form some sort of Voltron-Kelsey with each girl operating a different limb, and thus contribute...

  • Lugnuts

    7

    He was so excited about acquiring this new authority figure in his life, he even got his work to put on a "Take Our Dads to Work Day," which...

  • Roughing It

    13

    You can delete your history, but you might wind up burning the whole forest down.

  • Germaphobe’s Dilemma

    17

    Anti-venom actually forms a chemical compound with dirt to create Mountain Dew Baja Blast, which they can enjoy after he sucks the venom...

  • Great Discoveries in Comedy History...

    91

    P.E. would never be the same again. It was a shift so seismic in the comedy world, that it wouldn't be matched until days later, when the...

  • Kid In The Road

    17

    There's a whole section in the traffic code devoted to this exact problem: If there's a kid in the road, and you don't joke about it, and...

  • The Confidence Fairy

    10

    Confidence fairies tend to speak in dirty, dirty shorthand. They also dispense with the usual devil horns or halos, claiming they "don't...

  • Do it for Johnny

    650

    Revenge quests: Best not embarked upon when you suffer from short-term memory loss.

  • Small Talk

    11

    Big People Abortions, Big People Economy, Big People K-Stew and R-Patz...it can be exhausting to hear this guy talk about important matters...

  • Pooper

    96

    Triple-ply max comfort aloe vera toilet paper has been invented. But 30 years from now, it will have been outlawed. It will be used only by...

  • Emergency Exit

    25

    The fire department calls this building "The Sarlac Pit." The students of Brimbleton Community College call it West Hamley Hall.

  • The New Neighbor’s Sound...

    52

    He usually cries out "Can you hear me nowwwwwwww" when he finishes, but the jury's out as to whether he's just being considerate of his...

  • Prescribing a Friend

    15

    The URL "Sup-paws-itories.com" is still available, in case anyone wants to capitalize on the hot new...

  • Missing Costume

    15

    Tired of all the jokes, Sasquatch recently took a photography class at the community college level. He couldn't make it past the...

  • Cold Blooded

    642

    If you try and "backseat drive" when he's behind the wheel, forensics scientists will only be able to identify you from your teeth...

  • Hope, Time & Broccoli

    27

    It was around the time he received the suicide note from the carrot that he knew things had to change. Get busy growin', or get busy fryin',...

  • Great Discoveries In Comedy History...

    12

    Then they discussed whether cranking someone's ear with a wrench would produce a ratcheting sound effect. One trip to the ER later, they...

  • The Sanctity of Marriage

    78

    "They want to take our rights away? Well we want to 'splode their heads!" Went one of the less-successful pro-gay rights protest chants.

  • July 16th, 1945

    17

    History is written by the winners, motherfucker! Booyah! Suck on that, losers who lost at history!

  • A Forbidden Fruit Of The Sea

    21

    They're a delicacy in Botswana. But spend five minutes in Botswana and you'll see why that goes without saying. Fuckin' Botswana.

  • Zanderflex: Bottoms Up

    14

    In his quieter moments, Elliot Zanderflex has always revealed his shortcomings to women, in the hopes that they'll recognize his...

  • Stay Out of Bad Pun Neighborhood

    52

    For a while, their territory was marked by a picture of a sad-looking key making a pouty face. When no one seemed to understand that "Key...

  • Sadurday Night

    9

    Computers make great life companions. They're interested in all the things you are, they never judge your porn habits, and best of all, they...

  • College Bro Sleepover

    9

    Luckily, Being Gay Now 101 was an elective that covered their Diversity requirement as well as a couple of Social Issues credits, so that...

  • Tiebreaker

    9

    They tried to get him fired once by telling him he was looking at a slo-motion replay when really he was staring at a repeat of "Frasier."...

  • Family Double Dare

    93

    Not only did he wind up destroying the Physical Challenge, he even won a pair of L.A. Lights and "A trip to Space Camp" - which is code for...

  • Straight Shooters

    11

    The bought-and-paid-for straight-loving media, naturally, took this little hunting accident and spun it into a massive witchhunt. Once...

  • The Married Man And The Garbage...

    12

    Actually, the "garbage disposal flush" holds up in some divorce courts, but only if the television audience whoops and hollers loudly enough...

  • Going Postal

    55

    Their battle raged on over the years, no matter how many times the mailman requested to be moved to a different neighborhood beat or the...

  • He Loves Me

    18

    If you cheat at this game, karma will make your next boyfriend cheat on you. With a cute florist girl.

  • The Crew

    12

    They were all arrested and sentenced to 35 hours community service, all of which was conveniently spent on replacing their car roof.

  • Where Do You See Us in Five Years?

    14

    Short of "I think we really need to get a dog" or "The housing market is looking better," this is practically the most dangerous phrase...

  • Pimps Up, Hoes Down

    15

    Female customers just pay better than male customers these days. What's the point in avoiding better business just because--oh, who are we...

  • Special Recipe

    106

    The pony is an essential spice to the Dreams Batter. Without it, the Childhood Souffle just falls flat.

  • Goodnight Moon

    74

    RIP Neil Armstrong.

  • Mouthful

    15

    The mid-meal check is always a moment fraught with tension for any waitress. This is why.

  • The Trouble With Platonic...

    23

    Don't let platonic female friends be your wingman. They'll just get confused.

  • Red Rover, Red Rover

    88

    Everyone quickly agreed naked Twister would be a better choice.

  • The Heat Makes Him Crazy

    11

    Conversely, the cold makes him a brilliant criminal lawyer. What will happen when he is forced to prosecute himself in a court with a...

  • The Pool Boy

    23

    Sometimes, the future's so bright you gotta wear shades. Other times, the future is so dark and empty and devoid of sweet boobies that you...

  • The Spaniard’s Picnic

    50

    This is the consolation prize for the US women's Olympics volleyball team. If you get beaten by Brazil, you are forced to spend an...

  • The Charmed Life of Daniel Yolo

    22

    Sensing his popularity waning within days, Daniel tried transferring to an all-idiots school in the neighboring city, but failed to gain...

  • Confused Dick

    124

    In traditional noir narratives, the Femme Fatale often leads the Detective down a dark, seedy path, from which the only escape is opening...

  • CSI: CHICO

    127

    It appears this semen...(sprays semen all over face)...is I have semen on my face. Yeeah.

  • Kelsey’s Diet

    26

    Sometimes the liquid diet truly is the best option, by which I mean drown yourself in a pool or ocean full of liquid because you're too fat...

  • Anti-Joke

    25

    "What's so different about 'Anti-Joke'? 5sf has been anti-funny for almost four years now!" You might say. But you'd also be anti-funny and...

  • The Dark Side Of Glitter

    17

    They make the butterflies work naked too, just so they can't smuggle any glitter with them back to their rainbow hives on Lisa Frank...

  • Olympic Coverage

    13

    Teen pop stars and bored NBA attendees have been training all their lives for this moment: The chance to be on camera eating a hot dog while...

  • What’s For Dinner?

    14

    Pro tip: Getting out of the oven and securing your freedom is a lot easier if you look delicious with a glass of red and a side of grilled...

  • The Alligator Roll

    11

    It's the dance craze that's sweeping the nation, in short, stubby little motions, usually emerging from a swamp to do so.

  • Like A Brother

    111

    Q: How many butthurt friendzoned forumwhiners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. 4 to masturbate in each corner and 1 to do it...

  • Discontinued Olympic Sports: Wife...

    13

    It's just like America, to pretend to be all into Wife Tossing only to look knowledgable around the water cooler. Then, when we inevitably...

  • Family Picnic

    109

    Sometimes you just get a few items on your to-do list mixed up. And you happen to be holding the bread knife while you're doing it. It's...

  • The Merry Bachelor

    11

    Leading scientists had just determined that kissing a man releases endorphins in your bloodstream which make you happy, or rather, "gay" as...

  • Great Meal

    119

    It's uncontrollable. It's insatiable. And it really does feel way way better, you should try it sometime. (Note: Do not try it sometime.)

  • Slow Poke

    12

    "Last Minute Week" comes to a close with this sad look into a debilitating condition, made all the more humiliating when your friends insist...

  • Depressed Balloon Artist

    661

    In this changing economy, people aren't looking for skilled balloonists anymore. They're not even looking for skilled Rubik's Cube...

  • Knife Club

    17

    We meet on Wednesdays to find out about hot new knives everyone's talking about, do a little catching up, and of course have a bit of wine....

  • PB & AA

    19

    Their squabbles last long into the night, so loud and constant that the neighbors took to recording them all, and preserving them in an...

  • Zombie Olympics

    12

    This could definitely hurt his chances at securing a Wheaties endorsement deal. And by "hurt," I mean "increase ten-fold." (Twitter prompt...

  • B.U.I.W.D.A.A.C.s

    722

    They both thought they were the only one out there, patrolling the night with a bottle of Maker's, hiding behind a uniform they didn't earn....

  • Training For Olympics

    13

    The Suspended Iron Cross and Comedic Signpost Writing category was not present at the 2008 games, mostly because all of the contestants...

  • Silent Treatment

    12

    In any relationship, communication is key. Giant ropes leading up to imaginary cloud lands are surprisingly also key, which is why most...

  • The Family Man

    14

    She has all the usual street corners plugged into her GPS, and even a few of the girls' numbers in her emergency contacts list whenever he...

  • 5SF Rises

    130

    A fire will rise. So will IMAX ticket prices.

  • Double Mustache

    15

    The ladies go crazy for one 'stache. But if you hit 'em with the ultra-rare double-fuzz multi-lip-ticklin' combo 'stache attack, it's...

  • Non-Alcoholic Beer

    24

    Nothing gets the blood pumping into Rage Mode quite like the smooth crisp taste of non-alcoholic beer. Or, for that matter, beer. Beer...

  • Spy Cam

    11

    Thankfully, the Russian Premier was fairly shortsighted, and the live violin music at the gala was probably loud enough to cover up the...

  • Paul’s Baby Video

    24

    Don't answer the phone. Don't look at the TV. And whatever you do, for God's sake, do not make copies of it and show it to other people....

  • Made Out Like Bandits

    21

    Then they got caught, and had to make out like prisoners. It was only an hour later when one of them got the bright idea to make out like...

  • Water

    16

    Desert Words With Friends is bullshit, because you can just secretly consult drinkeverytime.com and you stay alive unfairly.

  • Best. Day. Ever.

    8

    After a long day (or even month) of bad press and relationship woes, there's truly nothing like a thetan-clearing rubdown from your local...

  • Historically Correct BBQ

    33

    The party inevitably took a turn for the worse just a few minutes ago, when one of the British guests looked at an assortment of food and...

  • The Devil’s Comfort

    24

    Thousands of years of unanswered rejection can make a man pretty insufferable to be around. You might even say he's the Prince of...

  • Pubert, the Orphan Boy with the...

    25

    Things got hard for Pubert ever since his parents met their fiery fate in a snake petting zoo. Girls wouldn't talk to him, for example. The...

  • 5sf’s VidCon Panel

    11

    Special thanks to the organizers, YouTubers, volunteers, and of course, all the fans for hating the living hell out of us! We love you...

  • The Ultimate Cheat

    12

    Epic poems, Mesopotamian myths, and tales as old as time all have one thing in common: great warriors and their search for the truth of the...

  • That Time of The Month

    106

    Ever since the company switched their target demo to "Stupid men who couldn't possibly understand what we go through every month," sales...

  • Mirror Scare

    22

    Putting up a Craigslist ad for an "adventuresome third" is just a waste of time when there are thousands of them. Better to just wander...

  • Rich Man, Poor Man

    11

    Well, that's the last time Michel Rousselette III buys a golden trash bin portal off of SkyMall. What's the point if all you're going to...

  • Throwing It Out There

    10

    Nobody likes a long-winded, regretful tirade about an ex-wife, not even inanimate objects. Watch how mere physics can cut a philosophical...

  • Etiquette Class

    111

    However, it is customary to take the 30 milligrams of 2C-B from the dealer on your left (and ONLY your left), so on that front he did quite...

  • An American In London

    86

    At last, a Tea Party for people who actually drink tea.

  • Prank Call

    726

    Scouts would always come calling, in the rare, impossible off-chance that he'd lace up once more. They knew, even if he came back, that...

  • Isolation Hills

    702

    Offers twice the seclusion of Away-From-It-All Falls, and even more of that eerie feeling that you may be alone in the universe than Forest...

  • Brain Transplant

    122

    To be fair, a girl being bad at giving handjobs is like a man being bad at pairing off a cute skirt with chunky shoes. If you're actually...

  • Dad Therapy

    111

    Some therapists' schedules are just too full to have individual sessions with the kids and the dads. For those people, there's another...

  • Dealing With The Devil

    21

    When the devil asks you to name your price, think long and hard. Don't you have enough friends in your social circle? Do you really need...

  • Echo (Echo)

    13

    He didn't mean to say he loved you, it just came out that way. (Sure it did.) No, really, he's pretty beaten-up about it and wants to just...

  • Amnesiac Bridge Troll

    19

    The real bitch of it is, you have to give each of those three questions a different answer, and if he doesn't believe you on all of them,...

  • Mini Anniversary

    20

    Luckily you can't go to jail for vehicular manslaughter when you're not in the car, so one trip to the undertaker and a coat of Turtle Wax...

  • Useless Fact Cowboy: Kitchen...

    18

    He was falling on hard times. He even started resorting to useful facts, like how many calories are in a bucket of chicken wings, or how a...

  • Game of Death

    11

    He also would've settled for a round of Twister, seeing as how either game allows his sickly touch of death to course through your body and...

  • Edward 40 Hands

    18

    The haunting, goth-lite romantic tale of a girl who felt like an outcast in her own world, and a bro who took the whole "frat game"...

  • Family Heirloom

    77

    These are the time-honored memories any parent treasures. The sharing of stories. The passing on of loved objects. The 50cc injections of...

  • Seventh Inning Stretch

    19

    Calling this one "Color Cummentary" would have been a bit too inside-baseball, we decided. Then we pondered what kind of dirty puns we could...

  • A 5sf Challenge

    21

    And what's worse, they even air-mailed DVDs to our grieving families, with hi-def footage of us unknowingly masturbating in front of our...

  • Grouplove at the Gorge

    14

    Rouss had a chance to at least get one more question out of the guitarist before he hit the ground, like "What would your last words be if...

  • Hitting The Books

    82

    He loses the big fight against Infinite Jest (spoilers!) but in the end, his big heart still inspired the nation by going the distance: All...

  • New Style

    11

    Seriously, Jon. The pirate look is so last--(goes to wikipedia, searches "When Was Pirates?" returns no results, wait oh shit, am I writing...

  • Something on the Wing

    35

    This is what happens when you stow them away in the same dingy cage area as all the other traveling pets. Although to be fair, it's also...

  • P.A. Interview

    12

    "5sf's Rock Talk" was abruptly cancelled after network execs deemed the content to be too hip and edgy. They then hired a new group of hip,...

  • My Roommate Quit The Band

    108

    It went on like this for measures and measures, until one day, something about Paul's snotty, bossy pre-chorus just made Alec snap and get...

  • Formal Wear

    16

    He was a man of impeccable tastes: bikini babe t-shirts, tuxedo print shirts, cardboard cutouts of James Dean, autographed pictures of...

  • Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant...

    16

    Michael Bay's text read: MICHAEL! IT'S YOU FROM THE FUTURE! DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE STILL THE SHIT. ANYWAY, JUST TEXTING TO LET YOU KNOW - DO...

  • Grammar Bitch

    65

    He failed the grammar test, but was allowed to retake the class next semester. "Next semester" being a few hours from now, when she's drunk...

  • Paul was in the CIA: Ghost Protocol

    738

    By the time the air raid sirens reverberated through the unsuspecting suburbs, it was already too late. Experiment #54-AMPM, codename "Too...

  • 5SF Sells Out

    30

    Joining the viral marketing power of Bramcorp with the hip, edgy sensibility of online content provider 5secondfilms.com, we're able to...

  • Power Wingman

    95

    A good P.W. never oversteps his boundaries and takes away the girl you're going after. Trust me though, he could easily, easily do it. Yes,...

  • Desperation Isle

    28

    I guess you could say he was suffering from blue...[animorphs into a volleyball]...balls.

  • Belated Mother’s Day

    23

    It's a trick that works surprisingly often. But getting the melons past grocery store security is often the hardest part, particularly if...

  • What Really Happens When You Die

    26

    Life is but a quarter, plunked into the coin slot of fate. We know not how far we'll fly when our judgment day comes, nor if our aim shall...

  • President Kelsey

    73

    Twelve people camped outside the White House, protesting the arrest. But they were all ugly losers, so the local authorities had no trouble...

  • The Dating Trap

    18

    Contestants leave with lovely parting gifts, including a year's supply of Strawberry Quik, a trip to Space Camp, and a pair of L.A. Lights....

  • The Fool in the Pool

    32

    Unsure of how else to tell him he had a cheating girlfriend, his close friends bought him a pair of inflatable water wings so he'd stay...

  • 5SF Assemble!

    139

    This was filmed on a budget of $130.53, but the opening internet grosses are our highest-ever. So we should make our money back in 5 years.

  • The Herstory of Cinco de Mayo

    145

    The ultrasounds from a few months ago detected empty bottles of Bushmill's, a sombrero and a full beard. It looked like Lamaze class wasn't...

  • 3D Food

    67

    Far juicier than normal, boring 2D Food!

  • Matchmaker

    20

    If you can't even be your own wingman through a ripped interdimensional portal, you and your penis should probably just take some time off...

  • Dream Therapy

    102

    On the plus side, that was her last free session before she'd have to start paying regular visitation fees, so this kinda all worked out in...

  • Hollywood Waitress

    19

    Sometimes they sprinkle a little too much desperation on it, but it's hard to look them in the eyes and make them take it back to the...

  • Shazaam: The Lazy Genie

    149

    What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the name Shazaam? You're thinking about the Shaq movie "Kazaam" aren't you? Turn...

  • New Mission

    47

    New Mission Force is located right across the street from Impossible Mission Force, in a bald-faced attempt to steal some of their business....

  • The Leaning Tower of Terror

    31603

    This is what happens when the architect accidentally shifts his blueprints 15 degrees clockwise during construction.

  • Houston Has A Problem

    71

    The Apollo program was soon suspended, despite Ted's Puckish insistence that the review board's "mommas" were suspended instead. At a loss...

  • Noey And Vivek 4eva

    143

    So not too long ago, a 5sf fan named Vivek e-mailed us (really) to see if there was some way we could help him ask a girl named Noey to...

  • April 20th

    21

    Before you pro-legalization guys scream "false equivalency," seriously just give heroin a shot. We recommend pilfering it from the bottom of...

  • Loverboy

    23

    Clearly, somebody read "The Game" and thought the tips were applying to girls so vapid and dull that they were literally mannequin heads. Or...

  • Useless Fact Cowboy: Spring Break...

    61

    He could also show you how to surf on the back of a sea otter. But you're not ready for that useless information yet, you stupid youngling.

  • Brothers In Arms

    22

    They shared a passion for doing the same thing they always do, six times a day at minimum, no matter what obstacle stands in their way. A...

  • Fantasy Lover

    20

    His constant insistence that it would be "really hot if she grew a goatee" became something of a roadblock in their relationship. When she...

  • Time Capsule

    108

    It was a rough day for me when I buried that time capsule. My bike got crushed by a truck, my dog bit my hand, and my psychic parents told...

  • Dimo Higgins: Attorney At Law

    18

    Have you been in an accident? Can you still dial a phone? No? Do you have a friend who can pull out your wallet? Do you have anything other...

  • Those Weren’t Tic Tacs

    129

    It's really a common mistake, especially since Tic Tacs started coming out with an "Acid" flavor, in a label-free plastic container that you...

  • Drunk Moving

    16

    Now they'll have to call the cleaning people back again. They charge an extra $25 if you were chugging IPA, too.

  • Think Of The Children

    21

    Nothing keeps a silly-voiced kid from getting picked on quite like saying "My silly-voiced dad beat up Hitler with a jetpack, so he can beat...

  • I Heard What You Said

    131

    Bummer Week concludes with Part 5. Thank you for waiting patiently for it to be over.

  • Kelsey Gets A Pretty Dress

    28

    It was stitched together by a factory of monkeys, all of whom had cursed paws. It's just cheaper to buy labor that way, even if the product...

  • Cassidy

    102

    Part 4 of Bummer Week.

  • Dr. Blind Date

    9

    He's very thorough. However, Blue Shield just dropped the university hospital that he picks up co-eds at, so you might want to reconsider...

  • The Result

    84

    This 5sf is Part 3 of Bummer Week.

  • Useless Fact Cowboy

    8

    Before you die, you see the Useless Fact Cowboy. And then you learn about penicillin or something.

  • Of Course You Are

    59

    Part 2 of Bummer Week continues.

  • Goin’ Solo

    770

    Just wait 'til the second solo kicks in. It practically requires that you grunt and bite your lip.

  • The Craziest Thing

    1410

    Part 1 of Bummer Week begins here. Every day this week, you'll get two 5-second films: A regular funny one at midnight or so, and a bummer...

  • Drinking Buddies

    11

    He hid in waiting, behind cover, only to pop out and surprise Michael at the last second. Just like he did with the oncoming meat thresher 5...

  • A Dignified Lady

    22

    Falling out of a time portal can do weird things to your hand-eye coordination. Or at least that's the excuse she gave.

  • Joe Goes For Help

    7

    In his final days, Joe did in fact send for help by attaching several strands of hair to a circling vulture that got too close. Undeterred,...

  • Sound FXXX

    25

    Foley guys are unsung heroes. They do all manner of exhausting tests with dead bodies just to discover what kinds of squishes they'll later...

  • Settlers Of The Old Interstate

    17

    They came from miles around, looking for a fresh start. First came the gas stations, then the AM/PMs, then the combination KFCs/Dunkin...

  • Wrap It Up

    86

    The money you save on your water bill just from a broken arm is insane. That is, assuming the paramedics find you in under 5 minutes.

  • Do The Tractor Beam

    15

    The Reverse Thrust is a classic escape maneuver, but can result in all manner of wildlife, power tools and passersby being inexorably drawn...

  • Dog Days For Pauly P.

    26

    Pauly's spiritual pilgrimage to Temecula (which, due to a miscommunication, he thought was Mecca for at least three straight peyote-drenched...

  • Whither Thou How Now, The Man In...

    76

    Worse yet, think of how the poor owner of midwestern family theme park Moonworld will feel about this sobering news.

  • Captured

    17

    With the new Canon lenses, every shot is a bird's-eye shot.

  • Yearbook Signatures

    33

    As you can tell, Billy gained a lot of confidence with women that senior year, mostly from winning the Mathletes Nationals, but partly from...

  • My Grunge Band’s Playing at a...

    59

    Worse still, his 'zine was getting too expensive to photocopy. He could've let more people know via beeper, but he spent all his money on...

  • The Sting Of Love

    19

    I know what a lot of you are thinking: "How could he cheat on Olivia?" That's because you've never made love to an entire hive of bees in...

  • The Spy Who Twirled Me

    19

    When he was younger, his father recorded over his instructional dance tapes with a TV presentation of "Dirty Harry." His mean streak either...

  • 3D Tattoo

    11

    The Bleeding Knees Club went on to have a band meeting. They decided that knives stuck in the back are definitely not cool, and that the...

  • Skirt Steak

    20

    It's not really an effective mutant ability for her, especially when compared to good old-fashioned Misplaced Anger and a gun.

  • What Makes Andrew W.K. Rock So...

    18

    Don't ask him how much he loves death metal. There will be no survivors.

  • Old Man Peterson’s Lawn

    11

    He didn't have time to debate them on whether a top-down, bird's-eye view of his lawn would still indicate that they were "on" it, because...

  • Die Easy

    14

    Soooo, the Nakatomi Corporation went bankrupt, the members of Asian Dawn were inexplicably released from prison, and his ex-wife's respect...

  • Paul Was In The C.I.A.

    71

    Right now, as this 5-second film unspools on home computers across America, 36 dormant agents just uncontrollably dismantled their cats.

  • Identical Problems

    20

    He was on his way to a barbecue in the park when his friends saw it happen from across the field. He tried laughing it off and changing the...

  • Makin’ It Rain

    13

    They have a water park in heaven that doubles as a rainmaker for Earth, which is a fantastic tax incentive. So, that's not even actually his...

  • Laundry Day

    27

    That money, incidentally, is going towards a suit made entirely out of dollar bills, which he will then splatter with blood at a violent...

  • Weird Owl

    820

    I am Jack's half-eaten mouse. I am Jack's hollowed-out oak tree. 

  • My Two Brahs

    15

    Some brahs are there to support you. Some brahs lie just to make you think you're better than you are. And some brahs just break down when...

  • Taken

    18

    You know how the story goes. Boy meets girl. Boy packs up and moves to a new apartment. Boy loses girl amidst the hustle and bustle. Boy...

  • War Whores

    706

    Oscar Week comes to a close once more, with this four-hanky epic about that terrible, bloody invention of man that tears countries apart,...

  • Best Animal Performance

    9

    Andy Serkis was nominated the next year, three times over, for playing all of the leads in the gritty reboot of Homeward Bound. However, he...

  • Extremely Loud & Incredibly...

    20

    Step 1: Decide to win an Oscar for Best Screenplay (Original or Adapted). Step 2: Thumb through National Tragedies Weekly for inspiration....

  • The Atheist

    646

    Nothing underscores the emptiness of the void that surrounds our meaningless universe quite like tap dancing and pencil thin mustaches.

  • Hate All U Want

    109

    Even worse were the twitter responses afterward. @Hugo said "Dammmmn, I'd let Chris Brown beat me out for an award anytime." Just a sad day...

  • The Gamble

    14

    The Snitches, Bitches & Soggy Britches Gang inevitably cleans up on strip poker night. Their willingness to start each game off with a...

  • False Alarm

    41

    Her disappointment with being denied a chance to create a new, better baby was only matched by her boundless stupidity.

  • Widower’s Lament

    14

    The sound of the dam bursting is still fresh in his memory. The crack of the branches. The high-pitched screams. The tails whapping against...

  • True Love

    41

    The lie detector technician also served at the wedding as the priest. He was sweating profusely throughout the ceremony, but the bride and...

  • Serial Killer On The Loose!

    25

    Nobody wants to read "Dead, Overweight Body Found in Silver Spring Again" in their morning paper. That's sure to get buried in the back...

  • Mime In A Box

    16

    There's no manual on "How to Get Out of Actual Boxes" that they give mimes. Well, okay, there's a chapter on it in Do I Tell My Parents I'm...

  • Lady And The Tramp

    791

    He chases Kelsey Cat up a tree constantly, asking her for her number. Then he runs back into the house, barking about what a great job he...

  • Paul From The Future

    27

    In truth, not much has changed from now to then. There's a costume shop explosion, a run from the cops, and a quick detour into a nuclear...

  • Cooking With Crazy!!!

    620

    NBC bought 28 comedy pilots last month. This is not one of them.

  • The Worst Extra in Hollywood

    52

    His headshot is a sheet of reflective silver paper, which, when held at the right angle in front of you, reveals his face peeking right over...

  • Demon Snatchers

    17

    Pilot season is around the corner, and word on the street is "Ghost Punchers" got picked up for a full season before the first episode...

  • Bro Break-Up

    22

    Memories came flooding up, of the moments spent adrift in the grasp of his sweet bro as they slammed a monster hi-five, or the epic...

  • Ben’s Head Revisited

    9

    It's his brain capacity, coupled with his ability to stay calm under pressure, that makes him a merciless opponent in "Scene It: Harry...

  • Wrong Answer

    26

    To be fair, how can you live in this cruel world when you find out Falkor the Luck Dragon from "The Neverending Story" isn't real? It's like...

  • Mondays on CBS

    54

    The station managers didn't even broadcast the first five minutes in English, and whoever edited the pilot accidentally put in footage of...

  • Assassination Attempt

    11

    Sheriff Brimley Spiggensbottom couldn't read, but he could understand sign language. It was only a matter of time before his customized hand...

  • Petty Argument

    16

    His therapist isn't much help either. Just a lot of screaming and cowering behind bookshelves, with all those fancy books he read in his...

  • Old Habits

    13

    Would that he could gallop back to those halcyon days, when sunlight streamed in through the haylofts and wood dust swirled in the moonbeams...

  • Kelsey Cat

    827

    On a morning when she's feeling a little too "urpy," she'll saunter over to a bowl of Sambuca, drink it, then barf up whatever organic kale...

  • Paternity Raffle

    18

    It's like an episode of Maury, but with less crying and no "Whoomp! There it Is" playing on the loudspeakers.

  • Up In The Air

    19

    Every man dies. Not every man really lives.

  • Surprise Salad

    15

    She divorced him after this incident, citing "Emotional Distress" and "Irreconcilable Holy Shit His Head is Gone." He defended himself in...

  • SOPA/PIPA Kills The Internet

    754

    The makers of the wooden table, the company that stitched Rouss and Peter's clothes together, the owners of that telltale gunshot sound...

  • Big Dumb Tits

    23

    First of all, her tits scored a 71 on the IQ test, which puts them within the average range of the population. And second, ouch. Just...

  • Photogenic

    15

    She's got the right angles, the right dress, the makeup is fine, the lighting was even on such a cloudy day. It's gotta be the stupid face....

  • Heroes of Ancient Greece

    9

    David Bowie's 1977 B-side "Heroes of Ancient Greece" was not as appreciated as his smash single "Heroes," but there's a lot of depth and...

  • First Date Jitters

    25

    Ok Cupid recently had a 15,000-question test titled "Are You a Creep Who Spends Too Much Time on the Computer?" He answered all 15,000, and...

  • Ask A Mobster Lobster

    792

    Never disrespect your mother or your 8,000 brothers and sisters; Real men do not hide under conch shells; and when in doubt, leave the gun,...

  • Cool Cactus

    12

    Fool me once, shame on me - because come on, it's a fucking cactus. Fool me twice, just let me die because it's clearly what I want.

  • Police Intimidation

    92

    Bringing a whole new meaning to the term "Private Dick in a Coat," which didn't exist until right now. So that means "Private Dick in a...

  • Corporate Board Meeting

    65

    The 99% picketing outside were swallowed up by a massive crack in the Earth, which secreted both scorching lava and sounds of moaning souls...

  • Kelsey’s Maternal Instincts

    174

    When she was 12, she was given a pet rabbit for Christmas. She named it "Die Already," which it promptly did, right around the time she...

  • Ex-Mas Tree

    7

    The end of the holiday season can get a bit emotional for everyone. But the trees seem to take it worst of all, with a yen for reckless,...

  • Quick Moves

    670

    He went to Get Help, by which he meant "rent the hit motion picture 'The Help,'" and it took him 20 minutes to do it in a straight line of...

  • New Year’s Resolution

    11

    Thing is, Laser-Eyes is a pretty nice guy. Once again, he's picked a New Year's resolution that conveniently avoids the central problem in...

  • December 31, 1941

    112

    Hey, c'mon. It's the year she went into hiding, not the year, she, you know. Either way, I cannot WAIT for the Summit Entertainment remake...

  • A Long Day’s Night

    10

    Few things take longer. A dirigible trip across Mexico and a visit to the DMV are among those few things. SICK BURN ON THE DMV OHHHHHHHHHH

  • The Big Drip

    9

    Whiskey shooters come with a complimentary jugbucket of diet soda down at Crimeys on Solve Blvd. It's a deal too potent for any gumshoe to...

  • Going Out Big

    14

    Every man's dream, plus backup. All that's missing is a sick bottle of bud, the game on TV, and a rebound lovedoll.

  • Secret Handshake

    7

    It keeps going, and eventually involves a game of naked whiskey twister being played while whistling Rihanna's "We Found Love." They have to...

  • Definitely Naughty

    50

    Jesus remembered this kid from way back, when he tried to rob a bank with his dad and got off with a light sentence. It marked the last time...

  • The List

    46

    There was a dummy attache, filled with old Bennigan's receipts, that kept the cops busy while they drained the Hudson looking for it....

  • Occupy North Pole

    9

    Peppermint spray, however, is both a massively effective NLECDU (non-lethal elf crowd dispersal unit) and a GGFD (great gift for Dad).

  • Operation: Snowfall

    10

    The elves knew what they were getting themselves into when they started fomenting rebellion. A quelling was as inevitable as the rolling...

  • A Christmas Wish He Can’t...

    14

    Their first child was not a masculine child. But a ball-buster all the same, as you can see.

  • Christmas Returns

    14

    This Christmas, throw your friends in precarious safety hazards, make them beg for mercy, and hoist them into the night sky, whereupon...

  • National Defense Authorization Act

    25

    Look, if we don't do this, the terrorists don't not ever never lose. Justice must be possibly done.

  • Pressing Business

    98

    An intern can really work their way up the ladder here if they make an effective lava monster, knowing who to tag (e.g. not the boss) and...

  • Pillow Fort

    48

    Undaunted, the Russians fortified their base with multiple black throw pillows, some of which had their fringe gnawed off by the family cat...

  • Tear Jerker

    10

    Wild Skank Patrol Butt Force 12 is an even more crushing statement on the meaningless of human life when you watch WSPBF parts 1-11. They...

  • Engaging The Enemy

    68

    A memorial service was held for him later that evening. Everyone in the platoon attended, except for him, because he was out picking a...

  • Stand-Up Comedian In Space!!!

    107

    All this anti-, alt-, awkward-comedy bullshit is really starting to get on my fucking space nerves these days. Think they're so clever....

  • California In Winter

    40

    Much like the lion in winter, California is always well-dressed and finds two olives a bit gauche, no matter what those charlatans in The...

  • Whack-A-Dude

    12

    There's not a lot of room for two guys in there, as years of one struggling to accommodate the other (and every ensuing argument) could...

  • Free Hug

    88

    Nothing can stop him from spreading a message of hug-filled positivity. Not an awkward encounter with a random stranger on the street. Not a...

  • Stern British Matron

    97

    If you accomplish something minor, look over your shoulder. If you're about to humblebrag to someone about your angry birds score, think...

  • Mr. Benefit Of The Doubt Rides...

    10

    He thought it would be a good idea to show up to the party in a matching outfit, and  when the party planners showed up in cop cars and...

  • Lost Sheep

    14

    This happened so often, God eventually made it an 11th commandment that all sheep have to stop floating away and pulling this kind of crap....

  • Under The Boardwalk

    127

    The Drifters won the right to record the original version, after an intense three-way battle between them, The Four Junkies, and Jerry...

  • Memories

    20

    The upside is, it also made him forget about the syphilis he contracted, so the moral of the story is: Smoke weed constantly. 

  • How I Survived Thanksgiving

    16

    He even made it past Christmas, too, in a harrowing 30-day ordeal filled with thrills and chills. He sold the life rights to his story, but...

  • Trypto Trance

    12

    When the General tells you it's time for turkey dinner, you don't need a meat thermometer. All you need is a open pathway to your soul and...

  • Warm Rain

    13

    He won't do adult Huggies. There's a time and a place for that sort of thing - either at a rave, or when it's time for Baby Huey cosplay.

  • Technology Race

    9

    In just 10 easy installments of $59.99, you too can purchase all 40 volumes of the "Shit You've Already Googled Or Will Ever Google" series,...

  • Richard Bitter’s Favorite...

    12

    He's the kind of guy who loves afternoon open mics at the Laugh Factory, but only when the comedian bombs so horribly that they kill...

  • Drama Queen

    18

    Once, while in line at a supermarket, she opened up a People magazine and flipped to the "Who Wore It Better" page. It was between a...

  • Chill Pills

    12

    He was promoted to Head of Writhing Maggots Turning Into An Orgiastic Sea Of Drowning Albinos While Winged Spiders Rain Acid Venom On Beep...

  • Awesome Ways To Fire People #39

    11

    Having a girl's name, like Dana, Stacey, Pat, or Jamal, is a pretty good guarantee you'll get fired. Unless you really are a girl...in which...

  • Writing Session

    22

    When it comes to 5sf ideas, we usually do our best thinking in the Nude Bed - but not the best insulting. Except for the time Paul called...

  • Virtually In Love

    13

    The expansion pack has all kinds of great content. Like jizz. Because the expansion pack is his erect penis. Shit, I can't sell...

  • Cleaning House

    6

    Coincidentally, this is how Batman scratches his back. But his lats are way more jacked, so it works out okay.

  • Best Friends

    17

    Someday, these crazy kids will be able to look in the mirror and say they love themselves. Until then, they've got each other.

  • Time

    18

    It's a new world record. Too bad he can't use that to pick up chicks at bars.

  • Mr. Benefit Of The Doubt

    19

    Always assume the best in people. Little by little, you'll chip away at the vast chasms of evil in everyone.

  • Double Dare

    13

    On one hand, time heals all wounds. Time jump transitions, on the other (remaining) hand, do not.

  • Flame Retardant

    12

    Actually, 5-Second Films, the correct term is "Mentally-Challenged Manifested Heat Spikes." Thank you.

  • Regret Flex

    12

    Nothing a little Flexahol can't fix. And yes, Zanderflex is required by the court not to drink alcohol. Zanderflex always finds a loophole.

  • Busted

    15

    The next step is to go about deleting your history, everything that looks like it comes from Craigslist, Cracked, Reddit, eBay, Netflix,...

  • Awesome Ways To Fire People #82

    24

    This manual was published in the spring of '86, with helpful full-color photos in the middle. Sadly, time has been cruel to the pages of...

  • In the Mouth of Madness

    17

  • Piñata Party

    20

    There's a distinct difference between the cheap, crummy pinatas you get at Gelson's and the nice expensive ones you can get at Hellson's....

  • Ouija

    18

    There's a specific spot on the board just for these sorts of disputes: "Will you two quit pussyfooting and just get down to boot-knockin'...

  • Bloody Mary

    17

    Saying "White Russian" three times doesn't really do anything cool. Although the next day, "Rocky 4" is always playing on AMC. And no, not...

  • Witch’s Broom

    11

    What's worse, magical hamsters will come out and ride your toothbrushes away too, if you even try cleaning with those. At least witches on...

  • Halloween Costume

    685

    Better than "Slutty Ghost" anyway. Not that this would be an issue.

  • Wonder Pup II: The Rescue

    11

    If half of your superhero job consists of you apologizing, or thinking about it, then it may be time to look at alternative ways of helping...

  • Me Glasses

    19

    The Ice Age was shaped like a pair of kickin' Ray-Bans, directly over North America. Nobody else cared.

  • Justified Alcoholism

    16

    The support groups were no help at all, since beers just kept popping up around everybody sitting in the circle of trust.

  • Sick Nightmare

    18

    This is what you get when you spend all night at a rager, telling the coolest stories to all your bros, and you have six tabs of acid...

  • The Heart Thief

    56

    He tried to write some poetry to cope with the incident, but he couldn't help starting it with "Hey Heart Thief / Why You Always Gotta Be...

  • The Last Hole

    19

    Most terrifyingly, you can't help but become them. But it's not a gruesome process like The Thing or a bodysnatcher; you just start hating...

  • Sexism Saves

    106

    Stop wives and save lives with this handy-dandy technique! Note: Must have glasses in order to remove them dramatically.

  • Kelsey From The Future

    18

    And lo, the world was saved. The world of FASHION. At least, until she paired her Louboutins with a red purse and just got way too...

  • Gettin’ Laid

    17

    They "know a guy" who can speed up the entire judicial process, book a room for them at a Max Security in the tri-county area, and then get...

  • Hot On The Trail

    8

    Retiring from the force because you lost an escaped convict amidst some hanging clotheslines is tough. Going undercover to catch him is...

  • Start Paperwork

    10

    This, coincidentally, was the same answer he gave for "Where Do You See Yourself in 5 Years?" back during the interview process.

  • Crime Solving Hookers

    25

    The "Charlies Angels" reboot went through so many changes from its initial conception, as you can see.

  • TMI ATM

    732

    If you confirm your PIN, it just starts rifling through stuff like your mom's maiden name, your credit card number, what high school you...

  • Cucumbers

    694

    Having non-stop laser eyes really can make those peepers pretty puffy. Thankfully, this time-tested method both rejuvenates AND provides a...

  • Out To Dry

    1

    He even switched out his 'hose, because the old one was getting a little sweaty. That's how fast he is.

  • Charades

    30

    Last time they played Parcheesi, somebody got shot. So that was voted down 3-1 at game night.

  • Standard Operating Procedure

    13

    Curiously, it gets 4 bars in there and only 1 on the crosstown bridge. O cell phone towers, what wonders ye hold.__Starring the guys from...

  • Treating People Like Babies #122

    25

    It's hard to see here, but she's actually texting her boyfriend a bunch of silly baby-talk. This guy is just plain crazy.

  • Confidence

    13

    Once science discovered it was mostly peanut M&Ms in there, the money offers dried up and his wife left him. Just to make ends meet, he...

  • Anniversary Gift

    23

    This year, get her something she'll remember.__Special thanks to Alfonso Faustino, Jr. and David Bush.

  • Scratches

    705

    I know she had a family and everything, yet I just can't help but think, "That's what you get for getting drunk and answering 'Missed...

  • Bro Stand-Off

    26

    It was now or never. Everything was on the line. Play it cool and nobody got hurt...or do something really stupid and pay the price. These...

  • Lady Advice

    17

    This isn't anything you couldn't learn in an average issue of Cosmo. At least there, you'd also get to learn 400 spicy ways to please your...

  • Everything’s Bigger In Texas

    717

    It's basically like entering World 4 in Super Mario Bros. 3, except your dignity doesn't get any bigger.

  • Puppet Therapy

    20

    Any great therapist should be able to explain tough concepts, such as psychosexual trauma, schizotypal personality disorders, or the letter...

  • Late For Work (Special Edition)

    36

    Our week-long masterclass in digital trickery and filmic enhancery comes to a close with a new take on 5sf's crowning achievement "Late For...

  • Absence of the Towels (Special...

    284

    With the power of high-definition digital gimcrackery, the controversial becomes uncontroversial in this latest installment of 5-second...

  • Robodog (Special Edition)

    27

    More cinematic revisionist history as we delve into "Robodog,"" the tale of a boy and his robotic pet that just wasn't quiiiiiiiite all it...

  • The Brilliant Dr. Eye (Special...

    3

    Our week of Special Edition 5sfs continues as an older, wiser Brian Firenzi turns his attention to a super-old work, "The Brilliant Dr....

  • Death Ray From Space (Special...

    25

    World-renowned filmmaker Brian Firenzi delves back into the 5-Second Films archive to revise, rewrite and restore old 5sfs in his original...

  • Flaky

    16

    He might have some pretty tasty chops, but it's not worth all the aggravation. There's 11 more where he came from, anyway.

  • Tooth Fairy

    15

    She knew it was on the rocks when he started trying to give her gold-encrusted tooth necklaces. But hanging outside her cloud palace,...

  • New Trick

    10

    To be fair, the yo-yo learns tricks faster, doesn't eat its own poop, doesn't need heartworm pills, AND it gets just as excited when you...

  • This Smile

    122

    Flip that frown upside down. You'll never know what'll get flipped back at you.

  • Can Anyone Operate Heavy Machinery?

    771

    Heroes aren't born. They're medicated.

  • Patriarchy!

    305

    If you don't have at least one fight in your relationship that ends this way, you're doing it wrong.

  • Roseburger

    746

    It may not seem like much these days, but to gain a true appreciation for "Roseburger"" you have to look at it in the context of film...

  • For The Good Of The Band

    15

    He saw a flier earlier up the road, right where his car broke down. "Stand-up bassist needed to complete the ultimate hoedown recipe.""...

  • Felt

    623

    Buster only knows a specific set of words, all of which end in "-ut"" sounds. In Buster's world, there really can only be one type of woman,...

  • College Is Gonna Be So Sweet

    39

    Six words that you can never take back, unlike the 15 pounds you'll gain (note: You won't take back the 15 pounds either, you just have the...

  • Resourcefulness

    12

    When you get a bright idea, don't waste it. Kill someone with it.

  • Communication Breakup

    13

    These 1-900 sex lines are getting less and less erotic every day.

  • Kelsey’s New Boyfriend

    24

    A rigorous screening process is necessary before you can become Kelsey's boyfriend and thus our new buddy. You must submit yourself to five...

  • Sam’s Hands

    16

    Sometimes Sam doesn't even have to go to the bathroom. He just walks into a place where it's socially acceptable to handle his junk, does so...

  • My Almost Psychic Friend

    20

    He's great at narrowing your choices down from 14 to 13 at any given racetrack.

  • Everyday Dubstep

    940

    Before you die, you see the empty scenester hype.

  • Diffractions

    16

    They're incredibly adaptable creatures, who have a better-than-tenuous grasp of our 90's movies, our related pranks, and how to perfectly...

  • Finding Jesus

    15

    It's kind of like winning a bottle cap sweepstakes, except with more guilt and fewer jetskis.

  • Getting To Know Her II: Know Harder

    11

    The male ear boasts an incredibly precise filtration system, but it can often pose a problem unless a police officer / your boss / your...

  • Real Estate

    17

    They bought the place in the end, but only because it came with a butler (who later turned out to be a slumming Bronsot Pinchot in a...

  • Were-Emo

    638

    Watch out on days when there's a full sun.

  • Salsa Lesson

    27

    Fernando Ribieres is the best of the best. He demands perfection, style, and class from both his students and his salsa. As he says, "Real...

  • The Womb

    13

    Closing time is always a sad time down at The Womb. But really, it's always sad in there, what with the barkeep being so lonely and the...

  • The Final Battle

    842

    In the Land of Fyffynthoth, most of the demonic winged creatures are actually just friendly dudes who are trying to get you anything you may...

  • Zombie Bite

    10

    Friends don't let friends give friends guns to sacrifice themselves. Even when those friends are about to become friends no longer.

  • Film Permit

    32

    5SF closes out Bellflower Week with every guerilla filmmakers's favorite imaginary scenario.__"Bellflower"" is an awesome movie made by...

  • Mixed Signals

    26

    She takes advice from these two on everything. Recently she diversified her stock portfolio by investing in VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNN-N-N-N-N-N-N...

  • Joy Ride

    20

    When the cops do drunk-stops in this town, they usually make you get out and walk a straight line while high-fiving them and reciting the...

  • Burning Rubber

    13

    You can usually get that taken care of at the Free Clinic, but they ask all sorts of embarrassing questions, like what kind of mileage it...

  • Lord Humungus’ Birthday Party

    18

    5sf kicks off "Bellflower Week"" with a look at an underseen cult classic, ""Sad Max"" - which might be underseen for a reason. The reason...

  • The Hunt For Ceiling-Crawler

    15

    His reign of terror gripped the Pacific Southeast for months, much like his incredibly dextrous fingers could grip the ceiling of any...

  • Nut Fest

    12

    Anyone could've told him that Jessica was not the on-air reporter to have flings with. Of course she kisses and tells - she got her start...

  • Sticker Stickler

    19

    If you don't pay the fine in under 30 days, they send a flatfoot named Hernandez to troll your YouTube comments with inflammatory remarks....

  • Betty’s Coffee

    13

    Putting to rest the age-old mystery of "Your Mom"" jokes, and in it's place begins a new regime of terror."

  • Gun Lover

    17

    Gun permits come with a question where you check a box indicating whether you're a "Lover"" or a ""Fighter."" Statistically, that question...

  • Boyfriend Bootcamp

    69

    The course cost $300 and you got to name your own squadron. Edifying though the weekend may have been, Ass-play Company still needed a lot...

  • Hobohemia

    14

    When you order premium-grade lobster bisque from the best restaurants in the south of France, it comes in cans that you have to heat...

  • Arabian Wipes

    11

    No one was home. It took forever to waddle down to the gas station with his cheeks clenched. And yet, the shameful walk back somehow felt...

  • Guilt Food

    59

    The Ivetouchedlittleboysenberry flavor is a personal favorite. [gets put on government watchlist]

  • Mike & Mike

    12

    When they heard the news about New York legalizing gay marriage, they just laughed at the poor romantic fools, poured some chablis and...

  • Chin Up

    18

    If this is what they call "chin music," then it sounds like Tom Waits covering "Everybody Hurts" on a broken piano next to a dying dog.

  • The Tweet Of Life

    20

    In this stunning visual essay on youth, nature, fathers, mothers, brothers, and man's place in the universe, 5secondfilms explores new terri

  • You Got Mail

    158

    Postal workers don't get overtime for de-rezzing, either. It was just a real bummer of a Sunday all around.

  • Pregnancy Scare

    15

    SIDE EFFECTS OF PUTINESTRA INCLUDE (BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO): Drowsiness, blowsiness, frowniness, constant explosive urination, skin...

  • Spider Problem

    24

    Thankfully, this wasn't the Brown Reticulated Spider, which typically asks for autographs when threatened - and worst of all, it has no pen...

  • Goldfist

    18

    Agent 33 had an incredibly witty comeback for this one, but unfortunately his larynx was under the command of a far less gifted wordsmith....

  • Egg Drop’d

    15

    As it turns out, candy striping at local hospitals was the most humorously convenient community service Olivia could have possibly chosen,...

  • Crabwalkin’

    696

    Thus began a feud between two powerful families of pure hearts and proud walks, a feud as inevitable as the setting of the sun and the icing...

  • Cool Teacher-Parent Conference

    60

    You only make cool tenure if you can hit a jukebox with your elbow and get it to start playing. Although these days, cutbacks are forcing...

  • Red, White & Screwed

    13

    There are many ways to donate to the needy people of Wall Street: A token contribution out of every paycheck you earn, not complaining about...

  • Rouss Loses His Projectionist Job

    13

    In this terrible job market with bleak prospects, in a world where film projection is getting replaced by slick machine-operated digital...

  • Super Cheap Fantasy

    637

    It's either this, or Olivia puts on some jodhpurs and takes him into a couch fort with 52 cents, a flashlight, a rubber band and a copy of...

  • Butlers Behaving Boldly

    47

    Jeeves' hand was a Hoppin' Jalapeno Cool Ranch with Finger-Lickin' Lemon-Lime Zest. Truly a feast for the palate, and the kind of impressive...

  • Dark Days For Pauly P.

    28

    Pauly got in the habit of making money orders using fake lira from the Italian version of Monopoly (the most identical-looking of all the...

  • Starving Writer

    15

    The great authors all have pages and pages of unpublished, delicious mealuscripts. Thoreau has a secret Walden chapter on "Paprika" that few...

  • Dr. Katze

    29

    An extra $12K gets you a throat modulator that mimics the pitch and timbre of a feral street cat. He's very thorough.

  • Jon Has a Problem

    22

    Times are tough. Friends gotta rap with each other. No pressure, just talk. Is it drugs, Jon?

  • The First Hard Drive

    19

    He reappeared back in his future-year of 2004 as the lowly son of a stonecutter in a world built on vine pulleys and towering tree...

  • The Big Question

    19

    It's a lot like wearing the Green Lantern ring, but instead of cool weapons, you're only manifesting a life spent being bloated and sucked...

  • An American in New York

    22

    Later, he was asked for directions to 5th and Broadway, and proceeded to bullshit an entire family into somehow taking a Central Park...

  • Father & Son

    113

    Good thing he at least taught him how to do other father-son activities beforehand, such as arrange a burial, help draft a will, drive a...

  • Pavlovian Discourse

    166

    This violates the doctor-patient relationship in so many ways. For one thing, she's fat, and for another, she could stand to pop a few...

  • Pinky Swear

    18

    Years of playground lies - stolen Magic: The Gathering cards, false Four Square calls, unkept pants-wetting secrets - all forged in the crux...

  • Anti Theft

    18

    He immediately spent the pawn shop money on a doorknob so he could exit the pawn shop.

  • Rouss’ BBQ Chicken Chest

    21

    It isn't every day you inherit a BBQ Chicken Chest from your dead relatives. That's why so few are prepared to deal with the consequences....

  • Victorian Secret

    42

    A delightful lark, the first and last from Woolthorp & Pendergrast Amusements (before the celluloid fire gave way to a most precipitous...

  • Generational Divide

    22

    That's not even the worst of it. They think an iPod is something you play air hockey with and "The Cloud" is just a bunch of precipitation...

  • Love Sick

    16

    For what it's worth, she got food poisoning from the shrimp. Michael got it too, from the chicken shawarma, but that's neither here nor...

  • Missing

    30

    He tried calling up his roll of scotch tape, but she wasn't returning his calls. And the paper clips...they were sweet, but they couldn't...

  • Almost Famous

    661

    What did the internet comedian do, honey? Show us what he did. Point on this bored-looking doll sitting at his work desk, unimpressed with...

  • Clark Kent’s Close Call

    122

    At the Daily Planet's white elephant Christmas party, Clark wound up getting the gag gift: A pair of dorky, oversized, Stay-On glasses and a...

  • Save The Date

    12

    They should have paid attention in class, when they played an instructional video on how to survive a potential baby shower. Always duck and...

  • Riddled With Kisses

    594

    Love is a many-reloaded thing.

  • Planking

    892

    Realizing your friends have a problem is the easy part. Getting them to go into Meme Rehab, and resisting the urge to detonate their nuts...

  • The Big C

    12

    The judge was a giant talking cigar, so the verdict was swift: Fifty years of smooth, full-flavored 3-pack-a-day habits, with no chance for...

  • Brothers

    28

    Sorry if we inadvertently ruined "Game of Thrones" for you or whatever.

  • Getting to Know Her

    628

    There is a battle that rages in all men, between the cordial fellow attempting conversation and the wounded, jealous cad expecting athletic...

  • Jon’s Been Playing Too Much...

    17

    The motion-tracking stuff just isn't what the reviews hyped it up to be. You still can't tell whether your friends are cool dudes or...

  • Hammer Time

    23

    The English language is a tool just like any other. Dangerous when misunderstood. Well, I'm majoring in philosophy and that's my grad...

  • Going Down

    21

    There are some nuisance-makers who will not be denied. Tolerate their shitty mischief or suffer the consequences.

  • Lost and Found

    15

    He was faced with an impossible choice: Report her to the authorities, or continue hitting on her? Eventually, he tried both at once, but...

  • Friendship Tree

    14

    Friends don't let friends don't let friends...sleep...let friends...sleep...there's nothing to be afraid of, it's painless, it's good, come,...

  • Subliminal Message

    51

    If you do this with an old ELO record, it tells you to put on some goddamn cotton gloves if you're going to touch it any more. The last...

  • World Record Yawn

    14

    The phone call to the Guiness Records department was bittersweet, for both men would soon realize they were bested by a third participant,...

  • Update

    24

    Olivia tends to take "Must have shared interests" a little too literally sometimes.

  • High Noon

    649

    He came from the East, with a knowledge of how duels are won and a willingness to bend the rules. They called him The Man With No Sense of...

  • Photographic Memory

    15

    Too bad they run the Photographic Evidence department in the Murdertown Police Station.

  • Grumpy Ben

    117

    Reality TV continues to push boundaries and hold up a mirror to society, as you'll see in this unaired pilot for an MTV series about...

  • Mr. & Mrs. Ogyny

    15

    He's gonna show her who wears the pants, and who continues to wear them after weeks of showerless, cheetoh-and-hooker-stained revelry.

  • Disappearing Trick

    11

    The same maneuver works for weed, too. You just have to also have a peanut butter sandwich in the bag, and you have to put it in the...

  • Coupe du Jour

    31

    "Shotgun Etiquette" demands that you refrain from slurping, dipping crackers or wearing a seatbelt. Should any projectiles approach the...

  • The History of Cinco de Mayo

    978

    A tradition rich with history and purpose, the annual "Drunken Punching of the Forehead" is superseded only by the "Instant Appearance of...

  • The Girl Next Door

    13

    The first time they saw her and her wild, smiling eyes, they could swear they heard music. They weren't wrong; It was a combination of a...

  • P Is For Pterodactyle

    18

    Peter Dactyle was a young man with a junior archaeologist's kit and a dream. He would take that dream all the way to the top of his...

  • Osama Bin Laden’s Final Video

    826

    It was when they answered the door as "Pizza Hut" that he knew something was awry. Only Domino's had the sweet pizza-tracker app that let...

  • Cheater

    16

    Coincidentally, a giant glob of spooge was the correct answer to number 12. However, he unwittingly signed his test "Holy Shit, This is the...

  • Big Surprise

    33

    Nothing helps wash down the bitter taste of knowing you're capable of ruthless back-alley baby-stopping quite like a heaping slice of...

  • Professor Pigeon

    590

    Pigeons typically don't get tenure. But his discourse on Proust is thrilling to behold.

  • The Last Words of Troy Hicks

    17

    A simple man who enjoyed simple pleasures, Troy loved creating righteous shit for his friend Randall to check out. Until that fateful,...

  • It’s a Dog’s...

    16

    Personally, I kinda like coming up to a line of hydrants and peeing on the one right next to someone. It feels like a team effort that way,...

  • Bunny Brothers

    17

    Times are tight and rent is rough in the big city, particularly when you've been running out of places to store dead bodies and meth in your...

  • Guess That Murder

    18

    As a runner-up, you go home with a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax, but if you'll notice, the turtle on the bottle has been labeled...

  • Guns A Blazin’

    120

    Right before this, he showed the other men in his squad a photograph he kept tucked away in his helmet. "This is what I got waiting for me...

  • Food Baby

    75

    There's a Thursday farmer's market down the street that sells this stuff farm-fresh organic, kale-fed and free-range. Most people just hang...

  • Unprotected Shootout

    16

    Gun AIDS. A little dab'll do ya.

  • Forgotten Hero

    103

    He was the last of three brothers who all died similarly; Ryan, who took heavy fire at a shooting range on Free Blindfold Day; Jacob, who...

  • Nobody’s Driving

    15

    The best part about the cop asking for nobody's license and registration is, it takes forever! And you can just drunkenly slip out the...

  • Switch Hitter

    24

    Stay gold, Hornyboy. Stay gold.

  • Lenny’s First Day Back From...

    19

    The memories came rushing back almost as soon as the words escaped his lips. The grooves his fingers made in the prison bars over time. The...

  • My Neighbor the Ex-Girlfriend

    18

    Her Facebook status reads "In a Relationship Totally Packed With Mind-Blowing Sex, Jon. Remember this vagina? Hope so, because it's the last...

  • How to Hit on Girls but from Your...

    30

    In this anthropological field study, we witness the effect of male attention on unwitting passersby and watch as a strange symbiotic...

  • What to Expect When You’re...

    26

    They were so "on board," in fact, that their finger-ticklin' dudeshake went on for a good forty minutes. When they stopped and came to, they...

  • Goin’ Up?

    13

    It's even worse when some little brat steps in with you, hits all the buttons for every floor, and winds up vivisecting the entire structure...

  • Collection Day

    30

    If you have a totally kick-ass party filled with lots and lots of booze receptacles, and say his name three times in a mirror, he will come.

  • Bad Times and Broken Roofs

    21

    You can't hold Roof Monster down. You can only report him to the police and have your mom mail his sleepover stuff back to his mom while...

  • HACK3R C@T EPISODE 1: A Meow Hope

    24

    In this thrilling installment of the hit series "Hack3r C@t," the team encounters a nasty firewall and has to break through in time to stop...

  • Lady in Red

    670

    There's a special VIP section in the burn ward, where the Dom Perignon can be attached to your IV, gift bags full of rare exotic aloe are...

  • 2 Clones, Chillin’

    19

    Onanism? More like Clonanism! Wait, what?

  • Nom de Plume

    733

    One day, these evil, armless, inanimate objects will realize that their telekinetic abilities could be put to far better use by, say,...

  • Sentencing

    17

    Justice was harsh and swift - 20 minutes without a chance of parole - but they let him off early for good behavior.

  • Request For Urgent Business...

    21

    And to think: All he needed was their bank routing number. He was so close. So, so close to giving random people he's never met all the...

  • Hipster Goggles

    24

    Turns any lame party into a totally not-lame deconstruction of lameness, filtered through a winking parody of fashion trends, stale Pabst,...

  • Strong Drink

    23

    To be fair, the patron kept pressing him about a particularly strong drink he made, from a long time ago. The bartender was there to promote...

  • AAA Phone Service

    17

    If it's an emergency, they tell you to hang up and dial 911, or barring that, just die.

  • Rushin’ Roulette

    686

    Never leave ingenious escape plans up to the one P.O.W. who flunked out of fourth-grade math.

  • Hypnotic Southern General

    43

    Photos going back as far as the Battle of Appomattox seem to include him, at least somewhere in the background. They're blurry, but he...

  • Not Easy Being Green

    28

    He lep-baits his friends at every turn, whether they accidentally speak in limerick or whether they just so happen to buy a box of Lucky...

  • Animal Product

    14

    Eventually, the makers of "Meet Your Meat" had to issue a disclaimer saying not all cows were worthy of saving through vegan practices, but...

  • Realizations

    16

    The bartender knew already that his twin would mean trouble. What with all the stealin' of the women and all the horkin' of his booze. It...

  • Telegram

    18

    He eventually showed up at her place of work, stopped, caused a huge scene, stopped, punched her boss in the face, stopped, drove off like a...

  • On the Run

    25

    I guess you could say Delmar really got...SGARED straight after this close call! (Kills self)

  • First Contact

    15

    They came from the outer reaches of Syphilis-9 to spread pod all over your face. Open wide, mankind.

  • A Drink For the Lady

    24

    The mark of any good pick-up artist is how well they can "Neg" their female targets - and, as the bartender demonstrates here, telling a...

  • The Merry Knitter

    18

    This doesn't bode well for the kindly old lady next door who crochets imitation jugs of mustard gas.

  • Second Date

    14

    He has a way with words. As in, they're usually accompanied by vomit.

  • Scientologist’s Grace

    33

    Clearly we mean no actual harm to the church. Under no circumstances. Like, duh. Totally beneath us.

  • GF-1000

    15

    She needs a man who won't lead a resistance against letting her inside his heart.

  • Save the Fish

    105

    Eventually, he recycled enough plastic rings and bought a fish fillet at Vons. As he snacked on it in the backyard, he thought to himself...

  • Lemons

    20

    It's just like that old inspirational saying: "When life gives you lemons, make it a Blockbuster night."

  • Drunk Burial

    39

    Yeah well, I guess he wasn't dead this whole time. Still, he wasn't moving for 175 days, so you can't blame me for assuming.

  • The Oscar Man

    53

    The winners bound onstage. They hold their prize aloft. They speechify. Inevitably, someone says "Wow, I didn't think it would be this...

  • The K-King’s S-S-Speech

    15

    Eventually he got on, and his incessant stammering actually managed to make the speech more concise and understandable. Partial transcript:...

  • And the Nominees Are…

    9

    The dark horse candidate for Best Picture was "The Last Airbender," mostly because the post-conversion 3D made it look really dark and there...

  • 127 Seconds

    18

    Realizing he still had enough adrenaline for another go round, he clutched the dulled, bloodied knife in his bare foot like a chimp and...

  • Victory Speech

    23

    5-Second Films' annual Oscar Week kicks off with an oft-overlooked category, Shortest Awards Speech, which has a long and illustrious...

  • The Most Respected Man in News

    13

    His sign-off -- "Until next time, the world's on the rocks, and so's my whiskey," followed by a huge chug of the good stuff -- was a big hit...

  • A Little Forward

    103

    You might be too young to remember, but back when cell phones didn't exist, you had to develop pictures of your dick in a red room, and mail...

  • Bait and Switch

    23

    He shouldn't have scheduled a meeting with her so close to lunch. Her mind was just focused on how delicious he looked. Also, he was way too...

  • Socks and Sandals

    148

    Something about the two items just "go" together. Kinda like fire and kerosene. Chlorine and bleach. Peanut butter and dogshit.

  • That Girl at the Florist’s

    18

    Once, years ago, she even wound up arranging a "Congrats Grad" bouquet for him before he informed her she wouldn't be graduating high...

  • More Tricks and Tips with Pauly P.

    18

    A Google Earth search brought the mafia to a backyard with a used-up oil drum and hammock full of hard lemonades in somewhere in Chico. By...

  • Self-Loathing In Las Vegas

    17

    There was a tiger [ed: at a magic show he didn't see] and I ran from the cops [but they didn't notice or care] and I accidentally married a...

  • Johnson & Johnson

    31

    Johnson's reports always come in on time, his ideas kill in the boardroom, and better yet, if both of you wind up handcuffed to the wall in...

  • Dying on Stage

    9

    His act has a lot of crude, foul language that also kills people and turns them into ghosts. I guess that's what you call "Working...

  • LULZ

    33

    He woke up 5 minutes later, having had the craziest dream. All he could remember, as it started to fade from memory, was having been chased...

  • The Teen Pregnancy Awards

    16

    Also brought to you by Subway, Clearasil, The Sick Fascination Foundation, Wrigley, Taco Bell, and General Motors.

  • Irresponsible Sportsman

    22

    The parents took him to small claims court and he proceeded without a lawyer, basing a case on the proof that their children had more fun...

  • 5sf Joke Pitch #734

    73

    Dear Michael: This is the 5sf Joke Approval Committee. We wanted to write to congratulate you on the acceptance of your new joke, "I shoot...

  • Budget Cuts

    13

    It seems cruel, but Michael just has this intuitive way of cutting diagonally that gets the most blood with the fewest expensive emergency...

  • The World is Ending

    29

    They were spared from the torrential onslaught - just freakish luck from living in the mountainous area of Silver Spring - but for some...

  • Last Day at the Large Hadron...

    699

    They tempted the fates. They will deal with the consequences. And none of us will be spared the suffering for it.

  • Fortune Cookie(s)

    71

    Who is printing these fortunes? And why aren't they cut properly? This last bit, as you can imagine, is my major concern.

  • Mystic Pizza

    17

    Don't bother getting out your wallet. He's already collected his tip. And somehow, you still managed to short-change him.

  • Smarts

    21

    Actually, she's a double major in Neuroscience and Nuclear Physics, but she sucks at Angry Birds and can't park in tight spaces, so what...

  • Exploding Contraceptive

    13

    "Wait, monsieur," said the French heiress from the boudoir, her hair a tangled post-coital mess. "You mustn't tell my husband. He'll go mad...

  • Tricks and Tips with Pauly P.

    705

    After witnessing a mob hit, Pauly P assumed a new identity as "Pauly P" and proceeded to churn out beta maxterpieces on fitness, grooming,...

  • Wednesday Party

    14

    It used to be worse. Just months ago, we'd throw all-nighter, ten-keg block parties just because Google had some clever graphic variation of...

  • Catfight!!

    30

    Rule Number One when observing a catfight is: Don't take sides. Because after they've scalped each other, jammed wrought iron stakes into...

  • Starving Child

    18

    We even got a great photo op with him walking down the train tracks with his ribs showing. Diane Arbus did the shots. Very James Dean, very...

  • 90’s Brian

    166

    In this episode, Brian deals with his daddy issues, Rousselet gets in deep with "smack," somebody is probably banging a hot teacher, and...

  • Wonder Pup

    19

    Tearing a new hole in the interdimensional TerrorRealm doesn't get you very high marks at obedience school, but it does turn the teacher...

  • Bruised Apple

    26

    Lifetime: Television for produce.

  • Early Warning Signs of a Bad Date

    17

    It puts the hose on its skin, or else it gets the loti...fuck! Wait.

  • Bald Spot

    20

    V'hayah im shamo'a tish'm'u el mitz'votai asher anokhi m'tzaveh et'khem hayom l'ahavah et Adonai Eloheikhem ul'av'do b'khol l'vav'khem...

  • The Long Escape

    14

    In addition to fear, dogs can smell confusion over other people's names and from that, deduce that you don't know what you're doing. It's...

  • What Girls Do in There

    114

    Take shits and gossip with each other? No, I'm afraid that's only their little ruse, and it's worked perfectly up until now.

  • Irresponsible Speller

    19

    He successfully campaigned to get that word accepted by Merriam-Webster and the New Oxford Dictionary, just so she could spell it for him....

  • Reggie’s Coming!

    47

    English majors: Is this an example of Dramatic Irony, or Situational Irony? Why? Please provide your arguments and cite at least one captcha...

  • New Neighbors

    22

    Pie: 4 cups flour 1 cup sugar 1 cup water 1 cup boltcutters

  • Cold House

    14

    Police at the scene the next day couldn't help but notice the embers and ashes seemed particularly warm and inviting, as they clutched their...

  • The Big Moment

    29

    He assured them all this normally never happens. They nodded and nodded and nodded.

  • A Delightful New Language Program...

    697

    Available in French, Spanish, Italian or German, this wonderful learning program comes in 4 video cassette tapes, 2 audio cassette tapes, an...

  • Check Up

    10

    A second opinion wound up uncovering three polyps and a loose hangnail, but his HMO didn't cover anything. A third opinion wound up...

  • Night Terrors

    12

    He should try that Uberman sleep diet I've heard so much about. Apparently, you just get your body used to sleeping for several 20-minute...

  • Black Out

    24

    Even worse, it was the Avatar alien edition of the product, so Tim's shame was colored in a sad blueish hue.

  • Up the Chimney

    22

    The smell of burning Clausflesh wafted into the night air, smoke pumping from the crackling chimney like a nuclear silo. It was days before...

  • Christmas Memories ‘94

    9

    It's at least better than the old JVC piece of crap he had, where you had to plug the camera directly into the VCR and record onto a blank...

  • Worst Toy Ever

    11

    Yes Junior, the gift does, in fact, stink. But you get used to the smell. Then you get used to the screaming at 3 AM. Then, you get used to...

  • Rebel Without a Claus

    21

    They found his paramour in a truck stop south of the border, with five bricks of candy cane hash taped to her stomach and three more...

  • A Christmas Wish

    8

    Christmas Week begins at 5sf with a trip to Santa's lap. And a brief foray into the wonderful lies that children tell to make us buy the DS...

  • Christmas Comes Back

    122

    Even in our darkest times, there will be someone to light the way. This Christmas, Albino-Martyr SantaChrist is that someone.

  • Digging to China

    121

    Last week, they found cherry bombs in a kid's shoes at the airport. There's a connection here, but you won't hear about it from the...

  • Video Dad

    13

    As with all their shoots, Karen was stuck holding the boom pole. Sometimes figuratively, and that's on tape too, by the by.

  • Why We Cry

    607

    Everything came flooding back. Summers in the mountains of Germany. That night in the gondola, during the Festival of Lights. The next...

  • 5sf Gets an Intern

    90

    Next time they hire someone, they better go through me first. I at least want to the see the resume, so we know what kind of person we're...

  • Vocabulario Explosivo

    15

    They teach this video as part of Advanced Spanish in public high schools. I can't imagine why we're only ranked 26th in the world in most...

  • Guilt Trip

    15

    His next postcard came from Mexico City. "I'm probably going to die here, just so you know," he wrote. He signed it with a :/ and never...

  • The Proposal

    20

    They eventually got married anyway, but only on her insistence that the wedding take place entirely inside her mouth. Those who managed to...

  • Mother’s Milk

    17

    In fact, don't turn on the shower or flush the toilet or use the sink, because the baby needs the breast milk there too.

  • ZMT: Celebrity News

    17

    In this episode of totally in-your-face celeb newsgossip, we track down P!nk and scream at her while she waits at a traffic light! Then we...

  • Narcoleptic’s Nightmare

    24

    The next one involves Chucky chasing him down on a giant lawnmower. The one after that puts him back in prison with the lawnmower, and...

  • Bowflex

    58

    Kelsey snapped up from her desk, suddenly awake. A blank, errant post-it note was stuck to her cheek. Her hand still gripped a pen, the ink...

  • Bananajam!

    66

    Man, that sweet prank totally went off without a hitch! Not like the one he tried last week, where he put alka-seltzer in his friend's gas...

  • Bad Delivery

    26

    The All-American Burger delivery guy isn't much better. He just shows up with his buddies, shoots your parents, takes over your house,...

  • Pregnancy Test

    32

    Unfortunately, she got really lazy and it wound up being a miscarriage when she wasn't paying attention. She shrugged indifferently and...

  • New Teacher’s Nickname

    19

    Randall managed to stick around campus for a few more weeks, until he was ejected for visiting a Chuck E. Cheese without an accompanying...

  • A Thanksgiving Pardon

    20

    The apocalypse was swift. Tears flowed like wine and the sirens could barely be heard over the screaming. Children were ripped from their...

  • Bad Pickup Line #37

    20

    Upon hearing the actual punchline, they came right back and ravished him with caresses and coos. "More pet puns!" They moaned with aching...

  • Worker’s Comp

    19

    What the shooter doesn't know is that this guy is responsible for giving him that embarrassing porn DVD at last year's white elephant...

  • Serious Meeting

    18

    Their plan hit a snag when it became apparent that Frank wasn't the company note-taker. As everyone was being Frank, no notes were taken and...

  • The Classics

    17

    I know you're thinking what I'm thinking: How on earth are his fingers strong enough to support his torso laterally like that and still play...

  • Just Because

    67

    It is, however, a bank holiday. And her father was a banker, before a donkey kicked him in the solar plexus and killed him on impact. He...

  • Picking the Pocket of the Heart

    19

    The first rule of pickpocketing is to get away fast. But you can't outrun your needs forever.

  • Never Forget

    19

    Staff Sgt. William Blakewell emerged from that foxhole refreshed and ready for battle. He mowed down infantry after infantry,...

  • Derek Is Actually Pissed

    20

    Derek's a hard one to read sometimes, but his best friend can always see right through him, no matter what he says to the contrary.

  • Tough Times

    22

    Friends don't let friends do any less than 5 sets of 10 reps.

  • Shady Business

    24

    He's among the cheaper "Incentive Hires," but if you beat him, you get the power-up you need to defeat Wood Mouth.

  • Zit

    39

    Once you pop, the fun don't stop.

  • The Dating Game

    60

    Oh, but it's not a game anymore.

  • Roommate Etiquette

    623

    They wound up not being that much alike, but the school board of hospitality paired them up in the dorms years ago when they both listed...

  • The Awkward Return

    638

    It's going to be difficult, coming to terms with how hard Jeffy threw him years ago. But maybe someday, they'll reach an understanding. Not...

  • Discovering the Internet

    82

    Fittingly, the Star-Child is just a baby version of Justin Bieber, but with slightly broader shoulders.

  • Closet Republican

    44

    It's your civic duty to choose how you want to get fucked. Wear that "I Voted" sticker with pride, you slut.

  • Wolfman’s Hangover

    103

    Worley eventually filed this as work-related research for writing on "Terriers," and got a sizeable tax deduction for all the Her Pleasure...

  • Blowjob Machine

    98

    Ripoff. It doesn't even cradle the balls.

  • Campfire Stories

    40

    "He's got his audience by the short-and-curlies! Why, they're positively scared stiff! As they should be...STDs are no laughing matter....

  • Return Policy

    30

    "Is your murder machine having a misfortunate malfunction? You know what they say...the first cut is the cheapest! O, but let's give our...

  • Frigid

    48

    "Talk about putting your problems on ice! But if this cool customer doesn't stay frosty, he might get thrown in the cooler by the long arm...

  • Burn the Witch

    128

    "Things are really heating up for poor Kelsey, aren't they? Just thinking about her fiery fate gives me the chills! Wait, that doesn't make...

  • Hour of Terror

    71

    "Ah! Hello, weary traveler, and welcome to 5-Second Films' Halloween Week! I'll be your ghoulish guide for all the kookiness and all the...

  • Exclusive Chilean Miner Interview

    57

    Getting a reality show on E! Entertainment about your family's ca-razy hijinks is a lot easier if you don't broadcast your intentions to do...

  • Macho Man Randy Conscience: On...

    31

    Turns out your adult conscience manifests itself as the most innocuous memory possible from your childhood, and proceeds to harp on you...

  • Enlargenze

    61

    They learned all too quick the side effects of prolonging a relationship past its breaking point just for the sex. The side effects were...

  • Jackass 3D.5

    56

    It's the first instance of 3D Rear Projection ever attempted.

  • Make a Wish

    716

    Astronomers reported an unusually large caliber over the southern region of the surrounding area. Bystanders who were lucky enough to catch...

  • Captain Mass Transit

    44

    His boundless enthusiasm fooled cops into thinking he really had a Day Pass. With great power comes great irresponsibility, they say.

  • Spin the Bottle

    58

    You'd think brandishing a broken bottle would make the kissing even hotter. You'd be ____________

  • The Boyfriend Hit

    74

    His facebook status now reads "It's Complicated," with "No one." Then your monitor bursts into flames after five seconds.

  • Deflated

    32

    Nor, in fact, were there multiple "suckers" to say "so long" to. Later on, he went to the coffee shop and gave them incorrect change, and...

  • Quiet House

    26

    Saying "Shhhhhhh" only makes it worse. Or better, depending on your perspective.

  • Attack of the 50ft Kelsey

    54

    She's gonna have to shop at the Big & Tall store. Or Ross Dress-For-Less, whichever she hasn't absent-mindedly crushed first.

  • Shed a Little Light

    56

    Dan returned the black light to the party store the next day. When they asked him why he was bringing the item back, he just stared at them....

  • Never Under

    116

    Why, might you ask, was his friend standing there watching him take a shit? If you don't know the answer to this question, you've A) never...

  • Remember This

    20

    The original ending involved Rick and Ilsa running away laughing as Victor Bonszlo was gunned down in the plane by mimes. Needless to say,...

  • Homeless Baby

    38

    wHy LIe? iTs FoR BaBY FoRMulA.

  • The Hard Goodnight

    49

    As he stopped for gas, in the untraceable car his client provided, he noticed something odd. No one was there to take his money at the pump....

  • Pyramid Security Systems

    43

    You can never be too safe when it comes to protecting your organ vases. Although every client they've ever worked for has reported missing...

  • Dirty Laundry

    25

    Just to clarify: No, there isn't a single appliance at the 5sf House that doesn't talk. Yes, they've unionized.

  • One Week Anniversary

    24

    What followed was an argument, followed by a groping, five promises, a new cutesy shared catchphrase, two bittersweet memories, an attempt...

  • The Montana Wars

    137

    Okay, so maybe The History Channel ran out of actual history and started to make shit up. But you can't deny, this is just as plausible as...

  • The Pearly Gates

    343

    I guess you could say he's...(puts on angel wings) knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's Doors. HEAVENLYYYYYYYY CHORUSSSSSSSS

  • Old Joke, New Technology

    43

    To get them to agree to a second date, you have to take a pop-up quiz with a bunch of stupid questions like "Do I look fat in this?" and...

  • Bedtime for Bonzo

    28

    They couldn't get the clown ambulance to the clown hospital on time, since Bippo, Zoopy, Flim-Flam, Jecky and Stokes all insisted on doing...

  • Maximus Lonelinus

    113

    Are you not entertained? We could go somewhere else, if you are not entertained...no, it's okay, I want you to have a good time. It didn't...

  • Walking Phoenix

    32

    You can also get Jumping Phoenix and Hunched Over a Mirrored Coffee Table Phoenix to complete your set!

  • Finishing Move

    24

    If you mash that same combo of buttons during the "Winners Don't Use Drugs" screen before the game starts up, it unlocks a secret character:...

  • Ready to Blow

    74

    I need more time, dammit! Preferably 3-5 minutes, perhaps more depending on whether I just woke up or not!

  • Pussy Note

    30

    I actually had to go to work that morning, but I chose to let my car sit there in that spot, just so my neighbor could see my handiwork. I...

  • The Gunslinger

    30

    The Jug of Booze With No Name wasn't a really good moniker, so the townsfolk just call him Randy.

  • Club House Rules

    610

    Don't get caught in a water trap. It's pure vodka.

  • Driver’s Test

    759

    When I failed my driver's test the first time, I was pretty upset. People younger than me were driving already, and I was denied access to...

  • News Room

    27

    Perhaps in a desperate bid to retain viewership (okay, definitely in a desperate bid to retain viewership), producers of Channel 5 Action...

  • Honest Busker

    25

    His cover of Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, I'm Extremely Rich" is pretty pedestrian. But the acoustics make everything sound better down...

  • Slave Driver

    30

    Casual Fridays involve stripping naked, spinning in a gyroscope, having purple juice injected into your wrists, and being assimilated by a...

  • Practice Makes Perfect

    47

    If you train hard enough, you can even lick your butt just like a cat, except that's really more for your benefit than the girl's. Or...

  • The Best Breakup Line Ever

    84

    It's as if the invisible, universal force that tossed him the sunglasses just knew...that last one was IT.

  • Rumble in the Jungle

    41

    Late one night, lightning struck a modern art and design gallery in SoHo. The centerpiece of the foyer, a giant chair, was missing come...

  • Voodoo Slide Whistle

    855

    Misplaced revenge for Kelsey's extreme boner kill last week? Perhaps.

  • The Future of Cinema

    32

    Even in the future, your dad won't hook up the cables right and the spaceships will kill you at a punishingly un-cinematic 60i framerate.

  • Bad Catnip

    49

    Is C-Pain really dead? It's up to you. All you have to do is never make another Horatio Caine / CSI: Miami / Sunglasses pun. And maybe, just...

  • Snack Time

    35

    The break room's also got ping-pong, pinball, billiards, shuffleboard, and a wall to hit your head against over and over. Guess which gets...

  • Big Bob’s BBQ Beans

    37

    A lot of the beans slip through the cracks of the grill, bein' beans 'n' all. We use all them ashy beans to ward off our cockroach problems...

  • Bonerkill 9000

    41

    Her gaze is enough to ice any tall one. But this morning, she tangoed with the wrong dude-tube.

  • Deliverance

    23

    They've been dueling ever since their wagon train broke down on that foggy mountain.

  • Sidewalk Find

    37

    The previous owner continued to get calls from his Craigslist ad "PLEASE DESTROY THIS AND TAKE IT AWAY!! $20 OBO" for days afterward. He...

  • Just a Game

    68

    But you know what's not a game? The pain that was caused when (insert bluster, overly fawning phone call, some kind of Hitler reference)

  • Hot Day

    20

    Behold, the first 5sf documentary ever filmed.

  • Pimp My Ride

    19

    Hide the Jiffy Lube.

  • Bark! Bark!

    664

    It actually carries so far, you can get better reception with it than AT&T. Although that doesn't count for much.

  • Chick Magnet

    32

    While reverse polarity does repel butterfaces from the field, it does in fact attract bros, so be warned if you're tired of watching...

  • As Seen On TV

    37

    Each iteration of TV pitchman Jon Worley gets more and more "HD." So yeah, fuckin' buy it already because it's HD, you stupid,...

  • Deodorant Show-Off

    33

    He had pineapple shrimp curry for lunch anyway, so his breath just cancelled out the whole intended effect.

  • Rock Star Remnant

    39

    Expect a call from Simmons' lawyers about "breach of remembering which facepaint is mine" or some bullshit like that.

  • DUI

    28

    His charming way of twisting the English language even got the judge to laugh his way into a full pardon. Didn't say he was from Chico, or...

  • Brian’s 25th B-Day Bash

    30

    Note to self: Do not set a cat on fire outside a gas station while gargling methamphetamines to the tune of 50 Cent's "In My Hood," ever...

  • On Closer Inspection

    30

    Her super baby wound up shooting laser beams out of its hands, decapitating the doctors cleanly and painlessly. When she told her baby that...

  • The Ol’ “Snakes in a...

    33

    Marks Toys sold these "Snake'm Prank'm Cans" for one glorious summer in 1984, and ever since they discontinued production, it's become...

  • Last Words

    28

    His will left his AHHHHHHH to his GGGBBBBB(radio static). The family lawyer could do nothing about it.

  • Barry Ouelette’s Video Resume

    54

    Frustrated at the lack of job opportunities for skilled lovers who've been around the block a few times and know a few things about life...

  • Tuition Aide

    26

    He then walked around from party to party, despondent at the lack of female attention, until he noticed another flyer tacked to a telephone...

  • End Zone

    62

    When your field is the San Diego Comic-Con, the "money play" involves a shy Asian girl in a Princess Leia Slave Bikini and a photocopied...

  • A Warning From the Future

    26

    Sure, these guys wound up in a murder-filled Kill Paradox when last they invented time travel, but all that can be ameliorated with a few...

  • The Nutritionist

    133

    Faster than a cayenne pepper-inspired bowel movement. More powerful than a fish diet rich in anti-oxidants! Able to leap tall stacks of...

  • Test Notes

    73

    Mrs. Blaumfgartner coughed loudly, and with a purpose. Her eyes were staring directly at the student in the back of the class. The...

  • Dude Magnet

    29

    She read "The Game." She knows what's up. Now it's time to select a mark from the group, demonstrate her value, establish kino, and ditch...

  • Absence of the Towels

    1010

    It gets the towel from the bedroom. It does this whenever it's hungover.

  • What Mel Gibson Said

    17

    As you can see, it takes us a little while to savage pop culture news so excellently, because getting the perfect joke is just worth it....

  • Meet Paul

    619

    He'll steal your heart. He'll tug your gag reflex. He'll command himself to literally, actually, truly throw up on your arm, as he's capable...

  • Peekaboo’s End

    44

    Gaze upon my works, ye mighty, and make googly sounds.

  • My Best Fiend

    732

    Their rivalry was born out of a severe self-hatred and a particularly masochistic therapist.

  • Hamlet

    163

    Well, it's better than the Mel Gibson version, don't you agree? No seriously, you have to agree now. Starring Peter Stormare!

  • WoW Date

    61

    All the slashfic they created together, all the gruff in-game cybering, all the obscured n00dz they sent each other - it all changed. Well,...

  • Boo-rrito

    36

    The government's plan to weaponize food items by making them act like Boo from the Mario Bros. games was going well, until one specimen got...

  • Advanced Laser Tag Techniques:...

    27

    For the low price of $39.99 a month, and the moderate displeasure of sitting through some pre-roll ads for Rosetta Stone language software,...

  • Worst Date Ever?

    4

    If you have to ask, don't. If you don't have to ask, go away.

  • Piece for Peace

    95

    Flower Power meets Fire Power. No buzz will be left un-harshed. Featuring Peter Stormare!

  • The One

    229

    Can't poke holes in an IUD. Unless you're a crafty one.

  • Camping

    29

    Raised by a fearsome father named Fo-to in the "Sha-hp" Clan, the young beast learned to stalk his unsuspecting prey by setting "keyframes"...

  • How To Do a Somersault

    39

    Bustin' out a sweet 'sault is easy when you follow three simple steps. Not these steps, or this location, or in the presence of a cat in a...

  • Survivor

    31

    Their love was hot, contagious, and took place in a zone of sorts, not unlike the Ebola Zaire-themed novel "The Hot Zone."

  • Irresponsible Patriot

    29

    The combustibility of Premium brand beer is in sharp contrast to beers with low kerosene content, like your garden-variety pilsners or your...

  • Sex Kitten

    819

    He seemed so innocent when she got him at the pound. Little did she know he was raised by whores. Nice whores, mind you, just whores who...

  • Cool Kids

    44

    They're cool about fire safety. They recycle, reduce, reuse, and close the loop. But when it comes to having fun and being safe, elbow pads...

  • Guess Who?

    28

    Most any board game can be used to work out your relationship issues, except Don't Wake Daddy. Unless that's your issue right there.

  • Not OK!

    25

    A source close to Kelsey says, "He's a Leo, which contrasts with her sign. She wants a baby and he can't commit. He's jealous of her fame...

  • Brian and Grampa Plate

    29

    If you put him in the dishwasher, he'll get really angry, but if you wash him by hand, he'll start telling you the same war stories over and...

  • Another Ruined Dinner

    75

    Ben wound up losing 10 pounds that night, but it was all sugar-water weight.

  • Unbeatable

    30

    Yes, yes, we know. 2 video game-related 5-second films in a row?! But such is the power of sweet, sweet games. We love games! GIVE US MOAR...

  • Playing With Power

    9664

    They were victims of Super Bigorexia 64, and doctors soon weaned them off the juice by playing 8-bit racing games. Then, shitty movie tie-in...

  • Chance Encounter

    27

    They even got him to autograph their divorce settlement with his kidney.

  • Foreplay

    31

    He walks around, finding girls from subway stations to park benches, handing out cards that advertise his ability to provide "Honey, Rose...

  • Handicapable

    26

    Jan's Weirdling abilities extended further, allowing her to cook Rice-A-Roni 1.5x faster and to always have a classic Milton Berle joke on...

  • Ap-athy

    25

    Mrbleh, I'm waiting until they release a version that does glassless 3-D by tracking your head. Playing Doodlejump would be sweet with that...

  • A BP Oil Executive Gets Iced

    1272

    Had British Petroleum bothered to research the "Bros Icing Bros" phenomenon, this horrible disaster could have been averted. Sadly, their...

  • Hipster Balloon

    41

    sky captains log, cloud date #whatever. discovered 500 obscure new bands from overhead. our new goal will be to try and circle around the...

  • Magnum π

    60

    Most of the time, he just shakes mathletes down for drug money. This is the most action he's gotten in weeks.

  • Beach Party

    29

    If you google image search "Electrocuted Surfer Corpse," he's the 4th thing to come up. Right behind three pictures of naked chicks.

  • Physical Therapy

    37

    The paramedics found him later, having stolen Dr. Halfstaff's scrubs and assorted medical equipment. He was trying to choke himself a bit...

  • Metal Detector

    737

    It's just another wacky day in the life of the (slightly) underground metal cover duo, Enter Sandmen.

  • Nothing to Eat

    30

    Mischevio the Fridgegnome was out of ammo after that. He tried using the two-year-old hot sauce in the upper shelf of the fridge door, but...

  • Hungover Barbershop Quartet

    643

    Their gig at Rudy's Senior Discount Summer Nights Bash got really out of hand. D'Artagnan did a keg stand off of the barbasol tank, Jensen...

  • The Big Move

    796

    Moving in a SmartCar makes you 140x better at Tetris. In some cases, you can even drive into the elevator and park right outside your new...

  • Rat Trap

    42

    In order to make the parts necessary for an oversized trap, the rats gathered together in the shape of a human, clambered into a suit, and...

  • New to the Neighborhood

    14547

    The community frowned on his coaching the little league baseball team, particularly since their name was the Willing Duplicates.

  • A Fat Kid Mulls His Options

    37

    After this, it's time to pick a pair of cargo shorts, Tivas, and trim the facial hair until only the neckbeard remains unshaven. And then...

  • First Date

    28

    Later, she examined her stomach to find that it turned into a swirling vortex of early-90's CG flesh balls. Rousselet's flying golden head...

  • Ask a Lobster

    21266

    Send a self-addressed envelope with appropriate postage to ASK A LOBSTER, Chicago IL, 60652. Questions will be answered in the order they...

  • Hey Kids!

    32135

    Mr. Silly jerks off to this video when he's on one of his Xanax jags.

  • Maria Gets Dumped

    49

    They proceeded to trip balls over a quart of Cherry Garcia, while Orianthi blasted in the background like an underwater funeral dirge and...

  • Hold For Plane

    21

    TIME Magazine called it "The Neatest, Tidiest, Quietest Horrifying Plane Tragedy of All Time," but it still ate up entire seconds of filming...

  • Welcome to Chico! Pts. 11-15

    58

    People were actively trying to stop Sminkle from making tourism ads at this point - some going as far as baking cupcakes with "Don't Do It"...

  • Attention Shoppers

    637

    In case you were wondering, yes, the grocery store clerk really is saying a complete, grammatically correct sentence over the intercom. Any...

  • Pest Control

    665

    The cockroach then held Rousselet's prized beer collection at knifepoint, and quizzed him on whether the transformation was an example of...

  • Sell Cycle

    29

    Ever since GE merged with GM, salesmen have been trying hard to move these hybrid vehicles off the lot.

  • The Legend Continues

    43

    R.P. is wanted by police in 24 states. But not as much as he wants them.

  • This Film Is Not Yet Rated

    29

    Ever wonder what happened to that little THX robot handyman with the jetpack? Rouss has him tied up and buried alive underneath the 20th...

  • Stitchy Finger

    33

    The last time a vicious cycle like this got started, Jon came home with a pet rhino which laid eggs in Brian's chest, fully incubating three...

  • A Message From the Future

    26

    This, in turn, led to a very testy argument between Ben and Peter that only got angrier and loudier and gunnier, until Peter shot his gun in...

  • Street Cleaning Day

    37

    Based on a true story. Except instead of the ticket saying "I Love You," it said "$60.00" and "We Need to Talk."

  • Be Cool

    147

    Silver Spring County Jail is about to get a whole lot classier.

  • Compliment Taser

    88

    There's a setting for Backhanded Compliments, if all you want to do is briefly disarm your assailant/frenemy, but no one ever, ever uses it.

  • Target Practice

    40

    He's got a license...to miss. "MISS, LIKE THIS 5SF DID!" There, beat you to it. "I'LL BEAT YOU TO YOUR FACE!" Is that some kind of threat?...

  • Don’t Sinko Into De Struction

    131

    On the next episode of "Intervention," a neglected black cat, an underpaid mariachi band and friends convene to save Jon and Brian from...

  • Not Just Older, But Cooler Too

    38

    Launched in the wake of Joe Camel, this ad campaign was intended to rebrand cigarettes for a new era. One where they're totally fuckin'...

  • This Trash

    37

    It's kind of his default question for everything. Last week, he was at an intersection and his light turned green right as Bon Jovi's "Dead...

  • Glass Ceiling

    42

    It all started when Kelsey floated into the break room one day and found Olivia and Johnny Blaze laughing. Some joke about a bear, in a bar...

  • Haircut

    139

    I'm always one to dig up an old gag from Milton Berle's Private Joke File, so as you can no doubt imagine, I'm quite familiar with the taste...

  • Rescue Mission

    31

    Jonathan "Jack" Blaze was a man of integrity. A traveler of the cosmos. A skeleton.

  • The Lie

    45

    "I'm ten horses," Nick failed to realize, was actually an elaborate acronym, which stood for "It's My True Embodiment, Nick - Horses, Or...

  • For the Last Time…Don’t...

    42

    It happens every day. Rousselet opens up the mirrored medicine cabinet, gets out his Cialis, closes the cabinet door - and reveals his...

  • Courteous Driver

    37

    His DMV test was a hellride of Machiavellian twists, turns, human speed bumps, exploded raccoons, fermented rubber and overuse of turn...

  • Bitter

    30

    Breakups and juicers are a dangerous combo. A tasty combo. A dangerously tasty combo. The taste of danger. Danger tastes bitter.

  • Urban Development

    40

    Disaster struck, tragically, when one of the foremen told Wrecker to "Stay still," and Wrecker got excited, thinking a treat was in store....

  • New Movie

    733

    The only way to bounce back from a major buzzkill like this is to put on some palm tree sunglasses (so no-one notices your cataracts) and...

  • An Astronaut and a Bear Walk Into a...

    76

    ...order a few drinks, get into a rocketship and go to Planet Bear. Yeah. Now you know why the bouncer threw them out.

  • Best. Concert. Ever.

    33

    Some people just want to fill the world with silly love songs. Macca looks around and sees demons that need to be cleansed from the Earth.

  • Flashback Park

    126

    Those paper-saving air dryers never get your hands completely dry. Starring Brian McElhaney and Nick Kocher from BriTANicK!

  • Lost Cat. Answers To:

    99

    His foolish pride now served as his greatest folly. The whole night he would wander the dangerous, boot- and laser-filled streets of Silver...

  • It’s Not WW2. It’s HBO.

    132

    Truman's plan to just wait for the whole DVD set to come out proved effective, though many lives were lost when the Germans double-dipped...

  • The Plagiarist

    814

    Some may accuse us of being joke thieves. Well, it goes both ways, and all we can say is, don't walk in our park and we won't walk in yours....

  • Jackpot

    158

    Coincidentally, these guys wound up being the last three people on Chatroulette, ever. Because then the internet exploded.

  • Gentleman Caller

    132

    She reached for the check, in an attempt to at least make up for the awkwardness that was more or less her fault. But then he insisted on...

  • Political Satire

    29

    The trenchant wit of 5-Second Films, LLC is finally unleashed unto the rich, fertile soil of political satire. And lo, what fruits do our...

  • Call a Doctor if Effects Last...

    61

    Side effects may include commenting about Olivia. Consult your doctor, especially if he has hot nurses.

  • Whisper Quiet

    705

    All their mom wanted was for Allen to find a home. But they wound up finding something even better...each other. Starring Nick Kocher and...

  • The May Rebellion

    25

    Even still, the coming months were pretty booked for them. Cholera in November, midwifing throughout February. They should have just rented...

  • Brian and Boxcar Read 5sf Comments

    76

    This April Fool's Day, enjoy our crack at a shitty, shitty website prank as Boxcar the Telekat and Brian read to you some choice comments...

  • Welcome to Chico! Pts. 6-10

    1465

    The Chico Department of Publicity actually tried to pay Officer Sminkle to stop making these ads, but he persisted under the delusion that...

  • Brian Finally Gets Mike’s...

    91

    I don't typically understand jokes related to the Reconstruction (particularly the election of 1872), and I especially don't when I've had a...

  • Bad Daydream at Work

    25

    They proceeded to get in a long argument over whether she was still dreaming, which dovetailed into a knock-up, drag-sideways discussion...

  • Good Times

    51

    Most of it will, sadly, involve "Erin E-Surance" cosplay. Purple wigs don't come cheap.

  • Poison Soup

    30

    The appetizers range from the relatively cheap Rejection Letter From A Longtime Girlfriend to the more pricey Parents Telling You the...

  • A Farewell to Arms

    766

    No man gets left behind. Or too much teeth.

  • Lost Dog

    33

    Sir Victor von Pugglesworth was crowned a Lord in the year of our Queen 1685. To be reduced to a common streetwalker - simply because his...

  • Sleepy Ben

    656

    The healthcare bill passed. Don't tell Sleepy Ben. He won't hear you, he's too busy sleeping! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • Mendoza’s Game

    61

    The clock was ticking. The killer had 6 scrolls left for Mendoza to find. And his hostage, Walter "The Wizard" Scoggins, was held hostage in...

  • Marital Hearing

    21

    After a forty-hour marathon session, the Committee finally came to a thoughtful, 342-page agreement on the division and usage of the family...

  • Soaking Vengeance

    70

    Frankovski Paulsonivich felt his heart beating like the Soviet hammer. His breath was hot in the death-cold rain and his gun was heavy with...

  • Barry

    62

    Being a centruck ain't easy. First off all, you don't clear any drive-thru overhang, so that perk is history. Second, all your friends hit...

  • Man’s Best Friend

    33

    He's faithful. He's trustworthy. He's here to guide you through puberty with a firm paw and a strong sense of virtue.

  • Jenny Quickdeath Identifies the...

    714

    And it was. It was good enough for him. His report even said so: "Good enough for me." It was the shortest report ever and it made no sense.

  • The Ballad of Truck Thunders

    175

    His brother, always one to try and copy Truck's genius with wordplay, had his name legally changed to "Ama Pan," but never found the chance...

  • The Midas Touch

    112

    When you grow up putting Digiorno's into your sister's Easy-Bake Oven, every day you spend alive is kind of a small miracle.

  • Jon Worley Gives a Speech

    164

    Worse yet, he was trying to tie it into a pitch for the Chop-Wow.

  • And The Winner Is…

    100

    The Steeries, often referred to the industry as "the Super Bowl for sleep apnea sufferers," are sadly overshadowed by the Crushies, which...

  • The Blue Side

    31

    The inspirational, feel-good, lift you up, happy smiley tears, oh-look-honey-the-sun-is-wearing-sunglasses, coke-bottle-in-your-hand movie...

  • Precious: Based on What We Heard...

    29

    Mzxlpltxzyl always opens up meta-reality portals to punishingly bleak urban melodramas, and C-Pain always jumps in them. What am I supposed...

  • Up (The First 10 Minutes)

    94

    Pixar does it again. Enabling an entire subsection of society that's steeped in delusion about death and pros at bone preservation.

  • Inglourious Pranksters

    16

    A Prankster's work is never done, at least until his girlfriend asks him why he thinks carving into blackout drunks' heads is still cool...

  • An Education

    20

    Oscar Week begins with our take on the story of a young girl with a heart full of love to give, and a bedroom packed with ways to exploit...

  • Party Trick

    18

    I know what some of you might say. "How could any party be lame with Kelsey and Olivia there?" Well, they were talking about Spanx for the...

  • Bring Your Child to Work Day

    790

    He'd rather be slashing the mayor's tires or be playing Pokemon: Petty Larceny, but this at least gets him out of school for the day.

  • Welcome to Chico! Pts. 1-5

    91

    When the Chico Department of Publicity hired their most trustworthy cop, Officer Sminkle, to do a series of promotional tapes back in '93,...

  • Neighborly

    729

    He's like the Neal Cassady of Filipino-town, offering lacksadaisical wisdom and profoundly simple truths while never ever giving up a single...

  • Fart Joke

    138

    In the ER, he comforted himself with the thought of at least sparing the world another actual fart joke. And then he died.

  • Truman Capote’s...

    59

    Nothing can prepare you for the moment where Perry the Parrot's neck snaps right as the rope pulls taut, and he swings back and forth like a...

  • Setting the Mood

    114

    His favorite band is...wait for it...wait for it...__________________ (guess)

  • A Perfectly Innocent Question

    41

    The fact that some people out there may not know the answer to this question the second they hear it is probably the same reason why cougars...

  • Does Waterboarding Work?

    40

    They're just not quite doing it how Mom used to do it. The drowning effect requires that "Mom" touch, y'know?

  • A Day That Will Live in Infamy

    21

    Bernanke rescinded his status as Foreign Policy Magazine's Number 1 Global Thinker, and proceeded to take a long hot bath with a sharp knife...

  • The Million Dollar Proposal of...

    73

    It's still a better date flick than Valentine's Day, particularly since the filmmakers don't skimp on the nudity here.

  • ‘The Twilight Saga:...

    218

    DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS A SCREENING FOR NEGLECTED OLDER WOMEN WHO IRONICALLY HAVE A WEIRD THING FOR UNDERAGE WEREWOLVES ONLY.

  • The Last College Payment

    26

    Life is like a box of student loans. You never know how much DNA you have to sell to pay 'em off.

  • Fruit Slam! (With Director’s...

    75

    For once, we'll let the artists speak about their work in this exclusive, fascinating roundtable discussion about the highly controversial...

  • Overworked, Underpaid

    126

    She's just a big sunshiny ball of rainbows and orderliness, right when you walk in the door. The coffee is strong but sweet and the copier...

  • Now Broadcast in HD

    598

    Some people watch for the commercials. Some people watch because they rigged it and want to collect big. Me, I watch for the thunderous...

  • Like Kobe, Or California

    25

    Ever since he was a kid and Moloch the Genie granted him a wish for "NBA Jam to be like real life," he's had to deal with this on and off....

  • The Marriage Counselor

    23

    His buttery voice makes the $500-an-hour thing go down like Cherry Pepsi with a side of pre-nup.

  • ‘Lost’ Writer’s...

    1443

    The plane. The island. The smoke monster. The last ten plot twists. The last fifty cliffhangers. Each one made out of delicious, succulent...

  • Rent Time

    19

    Say what you want about all the pounding, Jerry really cleans up after himself and generally pays his rent on time. Particularly since we've...

  • 5sf Presents: Goat Trip

    38

    It's a trip they'll never forget when Duane, Hopper and Mark barge it to TJ for some tail...literally! With 15 minutes of untamed, unrated,...

  • Emo Cowboys

    118

    Better than having to sit through yet another creative writing class filled with their bad poetry about tumbleweeds. Harsh, but true.

  • Creative Counseling

    37

    Falling in love with your relationship counselor is typical, particularly when he comes in such a soft, rich, luxurious velour.

  • Liver Say Die

    26

    Ever since the liver lost a majority share in the company, his needs are being met less and less. His contract states that he still has to...

  • Blank CD in a Microwave

    643

    They really sold out with their second album. Just a bunch of screamo radio fodder. Great tracks on this first record, though.

  • The Warden’s Toupee

    106

    Never give giant, sentient balls of hair three months of detail working in the metal shop. They're too crafty.

  • Booyakasha

    79

    The littlest things seem to warrant the biggest fanfare to him. Like for example, last week he turned on his windshield wipers, and with an...

  • Race the Light

    121

    Hennipen County PD was getting a lot of complaints about the ethics involved in having a security camera catch traffic violations. So they...

  • Space Garage

    21

    Cleaning your space garage is easy. Saying goodbye to beloved friends is hard. Make your choice.

  • A Chilling Revelation

    28

    Some secrets are so shocking, not even the coolest appliances can keep from commenting.

  • Zzafari

    11

    The females of their species tend to go crazy if you show up dressed particularly sharp. We suggest a non-aggressive pair of inexpensive...

  • Remote

    18

    And what's worse, it always purloins the loose change under the cushions and comes back with black market DVDs and Cuban stogies.

  • Dealbreaker Jones

    166

    He's bad. He's mad. He's one cat who can't be had. He's the most untrustworthiness, scurviest, deal-makin', steal-takin' bag of bones. We're...

  • Blurry Beer

    18

    Those hipsters will drink anything if cokemachineglow.com tells them that Xiu Xiu is drinking it.

  • Brian Shaves an Arrow on His Chest

    39

    Based on a true story, just like "The Blind Side." Also, contains more murder than "The Blind Side."

  • Panic Order

    48

    Still better than Indian food.

  • Locked Inside

    26

    Whenever the gang gets snowed inside, they always break out the stories. What mirthful flashbacks of whimsy and well-spent youth! And yes,...

  • Fantasy Football

    111

    For those of you wondering why the Dungeon Master is throwing the dice, this isn't Dungeons & Dragons. It's Fantasy Football, and he's the...

  • A Certain Romance

    757

    They met at a T.G.I. Friday's. She was at a business dinner, he was busy shooting off fireworks. A Roman Candle grazed her Jack Daniel's...

  • Mr. Silly

    17

    Episode 512: At his wit's end with this kiddie show crap, Mr. Silly retreats to his master chambers to drink straight rye and smoke...

  • Time to Feed Baby

    27

    They still managed to land the plane successfully on the tongue, and did a talk-show circuit in the long intestine. Their quickly-produced,...

  • Countdown

    32

    As the year comes to a close, it's time to look at the ones around you, cherish that your friendships have lasted so long, and seriously...

  • Choose Your Own Adventure

    85

    Naturally, you'll cut open a vital artery trying to slice the tomato and you'll die on the next page. These books always taught you a lot...

  • Zanderflex: Late For the Bus

    30

    Because if she IS late, Zanderflex ain't goin' to no Planned Parenthood. He's goin' to 'ZAND PARENTHOODqwycbdjnskwqu7d9g!f

  • The Day Before Yesterday When...

    116

    They need to get their heads out of the past and start thinking about their futures as human relations consultants for a zombie marketing...

  • The Gift That Keeps on Giving

    61

    It's the thought of the endless, infinite, terrible stretch of Grants that counts.

  • Naughty

    102

    He snipes you when you're stealing, he knows when you're not breathing.

  • Old Flame

    18

    it was the winter of '69. change was in the air. also the flu. Trina and Mark didn't hit it off right away, she was too busy with her social...

  • Reason for the Season

    32

    And he did. He went to Hell.

  • Claus and Susan’s Last Stand

    14

    First you get the candy. Then, you get the gifts. Then, you get the women.

  • Christmas is Coming Again

    22

    Some people will do anything to avoid being lonely during the holidays. Warm up the cocoa for Christmas Week.

  • Battle for Loser Mountain

    18

    Wind erosion, as it turns out, has a child's sense of humor.

  • Surprise Party

    32

    This is what happens when you win an entire set of appliances on a game show. They're all conditioned to think you like this kind of shit on...

  • Cut to Commercial

    29

    Neighbors reported hearing some scattered, forced laughter, a heartwarming family lesson learned, and a mighty "EURRUHHH???" sounding over...

  • Meanwhile, in Kansas…

    241

    It seems like an epidemic of Hilarious Wind is sweeping the nation, isn't it? Scientists are hard at work to discover the key to this...

  • Drafty

    114

    Contrary to popular belief, you can't get killed in the war from letting a draft in. It's being in close spaces around all those other...

  • Dye Job

    614

    You don't want to see what they do when they need extensions. Most can't handle the sight of all the blood.

  • That Time of Year Again

    17

    It's only time to call Poison Control when he starts busting out the Bailey's nog.

  • Dmitri

    31

    "If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the 'Up' Button." - Sam Levenson

  • 1-900-BROTALK

    667

    For just 2.99 every 10 minutes, you can ditch your bitch for a while, snag a frosty tall one and have some "bro time." These radical dudes...

  • The Party, Last Night

    26

    judging by all the bones left in his partying wake...yep, seems like everyone WAS having a good time!!!!!!1

  • It’s a Vegan! It’s a...

    135

    Faster than an ironically purchased Yugo! More powerful than a hot cup of Chai tea! Able to leap obscure B-sides in a single bound!

  • Blind Man’s Bluff

    21

    Jerry's only alibi released a statement two hours ago, which read "2TYWE RG UA RGW VEukkw jwtviES?" Jerry was promptly arrested.

  • Running on Empty

    157

    This car comes with the additional feature to send out a GPS signal when you're being a hero, and some bros will come pull you, kicking and...

  • Wishbone

    102

    Personally, I'd wish for "Wishbone" to come back to TV, but mega-destruction is a close second.

  • Pitching a Tent

    75

    All he can think of is how good her ex was at camping. Damn you, Mountain Jack!

  • A Thanksgiving Miracle

    49

    Mike E. Peter, Valerie Bertinelli, Jon Worley, Rob Lowe and Ringo the Dog come together to celebrate the joy of love, the power of...

  • Boss Greedwell’s Deathbed...

    102

    Even with their lawyer present to agree that Greedwell's 8-bit Dolby voice made it sound a bit like "MARRY me with my money" (in which case,...

  • Early Diagnosis

    25

    This is what happens when you play in puddles of bullets during recess.

  • Her First Time

    113

    Real friends are there for you. Real friends understand. Real friends know what chemical compounds dissolve human flesh without leaving a...

  • Twilight Interview with the New...

    686

    Don't even show him that one "New Moon" poster with the Hispanic chippendale guys crudely photoshopped onto a sepia forest. He's going to go...

  • Professional Opinion

    16

    However, I do have a bit of experience writing prenuptial agreements, in the event you ever choose to marry again, or live past the next few...

  • Forever Young

    88

    Yay! YAY! Yaaaaaay! YAAAAAAAY!

  • Corporate Accounts Payable

    20

    Their stock skyrocketed immediately thereafter. What you're not seeing is how good he is at taking messages.

  • Ways to Say No (And Still Be Cool)

    68

    For more information on how to be drug-free and radicool, call the Hennipen County Kool Kidz hotline at 1-800-700-6000 or mail in for our...

  • Time Machine

    19

    For those wondering why their future selves didn't just go back further in time before Brian could even think of inventing a time machine:...

  • Family Arcade

    59

    Level 2 gets exponentially harder, where you start having to hide adult magazines under the couch. The robots just instantly know. You start...

  • Lineup 3: Revenge of the Premise

    21

    Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?

  • Apoco-Bots Now

    124

    The best scene is still where the natives slam a huge axe in the back of a G-Drive. They really did that, you know, Coppola just filmed it.

  • First Pitch

    21

    We'll greenlight three sequels, film two and three back-to-back and save the fourth for a few years after so people forget how the first...

  • Flaming Bag of Poop

    111

    Prankin'!

  • The Treasure Toll

    22

    And don't think I'm unaware you're talking to your friend, Sparkle-Dust Fairy Unicorn, on the phone all day! You know I don't like to see...

  • 30 Cents to Freedom

    24

    He was invited to compete in the Global Panhandling Tournament, but was forced to leave under suspicion of juicing. His friends will tell...

  • The Malicious Murders of the Farmer...

    22

    We painstakingly restored 12 of the original print's 120 frames.

  • Suicide Hotline

    62

    His self-help book "I'm Not Joking in the Slightest, Just Kill Yourself Right Now" flew off the shelves. It doesn't have any discernible...

  • untitled

    100

    ...

  • Trickin’ Treatin’...

    43

    trick or treat, smell my feet / give me something good to eat / if you don't, seriously man, all I was asking for was a little, you can't...

  • The Stepdaughter

    25

    After a few trips to Happy Ranch Family Counseling, Father and Stepdaughter came to an agreement never to confuse terms of endearment with...

  • 4 Years Awesome Luck

    55

    Get lost, Furry McMeowerson! And tell your path-crossing cronies I'm coming!

  • Jack’s Flight

    14

    He just wanted to save the rec center with his incredible break-dancing skills. But some people are afraid of high-flying boogaloo moves....

  • Obituary

    65

    Cynthia Onethat Gotaway passed away October 20th, 2009, from complications involving being incredibly beautiful, kind-hearted and...

  • Late For Work

    1429

    From: Chaz Michaelson (boss@newsolutionscorp.com) RE: Job performance Hello Collin, Just wanted to let you know you're up for review. Some...

  • Lineup 2: Electric Boogaloo

    15

    She's going to need 500 more points if she has a snowball's chance in hell of climbing the Aggro-Crag.

  • Aw, Shoot!

    714

    Their young friendship was one borne of circumstance more so than any real connection. Roger simply lived one bus stop away from Dodger, it...

  • Falcon’s Tell

    14

    As a boy, young Falcon was marveled the country over for his incredible truth-telling ability, winding up on shows like "Wife Swap," "The...

  • Dude Bro Party Massacre 3

    14

    Among Cirio H. Santiago's lesser works, Dude Bro Party Massacre 3 featured a whopping 35 exposed man-breasts, a night-time exterior...

  • Little White Lie

    1483

    No, you didn't actually see this 5sf. Keep clicking.

  • Lineup

    16

    The rest of them all partied afterwards at McPrior's.

  • Early Retirement Plan

    18

    I'm making 50,000 stale cheerios a year in a styrofoam bowl. Never thought I'd be making this much money right out of college! And with the...

  • What’s My Name Again?

    35

    He had a very, very short-lived career as a substitute teacher. Although the kids loved him.

  • Das Birdhaüs

    29

    Ich bin ein partystarting! I want to take und ride on your wünder-woodpecker!

  • Sick Kicks

    14

    The paramedics never came. They were all attached to metal poles.

  • Blind Date

    424

    If it turns out she doesn't cotton to George Strait like you ordered, there's always pork rinds for breakfast. It's basically win-win.

  • Meet Cute

    119

    Olivia Taylor Dudley, a recently divorced thirty-something-year-old, has a family that just can't help getting involved in her personal...

  • Is Your Baby Racist?

    18

    He got started in this business the way any baby gets started: A little bit a luck, a helluva lot of self-esteem issues, and a shocking,...

  • The Fabulous Four

    77

    Ah yes, the early 90's. The best time ever to try reading comics.

  • The Thrill is Gone

    39

    They bid farewell into that good night, the streetlamps aglow with the sort of fire that once held a place in their loins; now and forever...

  • Restraining Order

    17

    The judge gave him 50 minutes of community service and a mandatory distance of 10.5 feet. She even looked in the trunk of her car to find a...

  • Obscure Moments in History

    22

    And to think: If graphing calculators existed back then, he'd be too busy playing "Falldown" to have ever invented the atomic bomb.

  • Stealing Home

    19

    Tellingly, the combination wheel to open him includes the numbers 1-40...and an asterisk.

  • Rock Band: Groupie Edition

    116

    You don't want to know where the whammy bar is.

  • Super-Psyched

    181

    Whatever you do, live death to the fullest.

  • S.O.S.

    51278

    Even worse, the pen was manufactured by Help! I'm Marooned on an Island Off the Coast of Beirut, Stationery. Which doesn't make Rouss'...

  • Lover’s Spat

    676

    Yep, it's that first month when you two move into the same airplane hangar that's always fraught with turmoil. Like, who does the dishes...

  • Chessmaster

    32

    One time, on May 13, 1997, late at night, a security guard heard a moaning coming out of the recesses of IBM laboratories. It was Deep Blue....

  • Brock Fronklin, Secret Service...

    20

    Brock, keep noooooooooooooooooooo-ing for that rainbow.

  • meHarmony

    21

    It's free to review your matches-at-first-then-eventual-mortal-enemies-who-have-full-custody. Why wait?

  • Highbrow

    19

    While she could be born with it, It's more than likely that it's Maybelline this time.

  • New Toy

    30

    Warning: This film is Rated R for extreme depictions of brutal, graphic violence, torture, cannibalism and hardcore partying. Children under...

  • Tony and Joey: Keepin’ Kosher

    20

    Come on down to Tony and Joey's, where your car gets pregnant and your sister gets fixed.

  • The Miracle of Life

    24

    They say if you play the Tetris theme over and over to the baby while it's still in the womb, it'll come out smarter and better at stacking...

  • The Quiet Dignity of Dog

    18

    He can see black & white & shades of cynicism inbetween. And can smell stupid from three days ago, four miles away. Any other questions,...

  • Death Ray from Space

    83

    SCIENCE!

  • Harry Potter and the Mid-Life...

    22

    In this thrilling installment in J.K. Rowling's classic fantasy series, Harry signs up for eHarmony, chickens out, then starts getting...

  • Labor Day, Poolside

    16

    Citing the Menial Labor Provisions Code, Article 34729a, which states "Nobody gotta fill up no damn pool on Labor Day, period, especially me...

  • Post-Traumatic Recall

    29

    His bar trick is solid gold, too. The one where he walks out as a hologram with a giant machine gun and asks people to guess which one is...

  • Cuckold

    111

    One o'clock, clock-a-rock, Block-a-bawk-bawk! Four o'one, two-bakka-bawk, Kawkabawk-six! Rockin' clock, clock-a-rock, three-a-Clock-fawk!

  • Going-Away Party

    17

    This party was such a wild night. I finally got up the courage to ask Michelle out on the back porch, and she said "I've been waiting three...

  • The New 911

    91

    None of the stimulus package went to bailing out 911 emergency response services. So they went into the privatized sector. But we have the...

  • World’s Wildest Police...

    62

    It was another normal day in Dayton, Ohio...until trouble struck. A man robbing a liquor store steals a 1995 white SUV and decides to go for...

  • Job Island

    16

    Career waterfalls sparkling like azure diamonds, cascading into pools of full benefits, all untouched by humanity. Coconut trees, rich with...

  • Wasting Your Time…

    18

    ...But not too much. Unless we're talking about New York time, in which case I've got a deadline, lackey.

  • Intervention

    119

    A lot of this goes back to his overprotective mom, who never forgave those camp counselors for setting fire to the child-murdering den he...

  • Hipster Submarine

    133

    silverlake oceanic hyrdoponic organization (soho] captain's log, alexander weezy f drake: after finding out our concept-o-tron technology...

  • The Big Creep

    109

    My ex-wife, may she rot in Yonkers, asked me to never take another case from a two-bit, -faced and-legged hood/dame ever again. It was...

  • Alternative Methods Of Termination

    17

    He never quite fit in with the other kill-bots at murder school, electing instead to spend his kill-lunches throwing the baby carrots his...

  • Wingman

    25

    Let this be a lesson to those of you looking to score tonight: Make sure your wingman hasn't just extricated himself from the wreckage of a...

  • The Longest Yard

    14

    They both lost two pounds with Right Size(c) Makeout Sessions. Now it's your turn!

  • Dancin’

    19

    If you're lucky on a Saturday night in Hollywood, sometimes he'll even be the guest DJ. The crowd goes apeshit for the Becker MegaMix.

  • 8 Best Friends

    37

    Barry's got to learn, it's not enough to just pop out a soul patch. You've got to shave it, trim it, keep it clean of food. Otherwise you...

  • The Legend Begins

    590

    He was a pervert and good at his job, but he committed the ultimate sin and testified against other perverts gone bad. Pervs that tried to...

  • Corporate Takebrover

    40

    First order of business: We're tearing up Glencoe's offices below us and turning them into waterslides, bros. I got my boy Kenny C on girl...

  • Lose Weight Feel Great

    27

    on a 2,000-calorie-a-day diet, one serving of Jon "Alexander Aloysious Wiggle-Worm" Worley provides you with 100% of your daily serving of...

  • Tony and Joey: No Class

    11

    If you get your ticket more than a month in advance, "No Class" seating costs even less than "Wanna Get Away With Indecent Exposure" prices.

  • Male Bonding Session

    17

    C'mon broski, just a little bumpski for that rad shitski.

  • Firenzi and Me

    23

    As far as best friends go, Firenzi is a pretty good one. He has a gentle disposition and a terrific sense of humor. But for new-kid-in-town...

  • Life With Louie

    16

    Needless to say, "Family Feud" lost its syndication contract.

  • Death of a Salesdog

    52

    I don't say he's a great dog. Ringo never made a lot of money. His name was never in the paper. He's not the finest character that ever...

  • Douchebag Co-Worker

    797

    He starts abusing his powers of slacker charisma around the time he has ten beers in him, which is usually 9:30 AM.

  • Meltdown

    29

    Some will say he was mad, others will say he was a lost soul. One thing is for sure, Antartica will pretty much be exactly the same.

  • Slamfuckers, Inc

    27

    Call 'em up when you've got a jerk in your life that needs to get slammed. 1-800-SLAMWOW.

  • Dream Girl

    19

    Some conversations you overhear at parties could go one way, and it just puts a smile on your face when it goes the other way.

  • Taste the Rockies

    35

    Also: Functions as a mean onion-blossomer.

  • Bad Fruit

    15

    Talks broke down when the members of Tomato Dawn ordered little helicopters with enough battery charge to get back to the Chiquita plant.

  • Comic-Con: Panel Wars

    20

    When they sold out of Bad Robot figurines and he got shafted out of the Iron Man 2 panel in Hall H, he started getting really surly to...

  • Pop

    25

    Clown parents, sit down and have an honest talk with your kids about excess honking. Or else they might galumph out into that big clown...

  • Chivalry Is Dead

    44

    The past becomes the present once more. And all is "Nope" with the world.

  • Tony and Joey: Lady Troubles

    15

    Haha, very funny guys, that's wonderful, say, it looks like my car's ready, can I just drive it off the premises? Fine, and where exactly is...

  • Japanese Car

    26

    So, when the engine closes its eyes and flashes me a peace sign, does that mean my oil's low, or that I just beat level 5, or what?

  • Another Monday

    109

    Even worse, you have to file every body with a matching TPS report in the back room. Every time. Or the underboss will catch you.

  • Bringing Home the Bacon

    117

    At the end of the day, it's all about who you come home to. Who you spend your nights oinking with. That's what matters.

  • And No Harsh Chemicals!

    79

    Cthulus are standing by. Don't delay!

  • Virtual Frat House

    14

    University of Phoenix's online beer pong: Even less fun than the original.

  • Rinse and Repeat

    20

    The Killmore Pro was tantalizingly half-off at DeathSears.

  • Bottles for Breakfast

    41

    Good source of hemoglobin!

  • Hipster Spaceship

    131

    silverlake aeronautics and space administration (SASA) captain's log, alexander weezy f drake: stardate whatever - set coordinates for...

  • Cute Date Idea #435

    26

    And after this, we can go get some Boba tea, and then catch a screening of "Orphan!" And then we can change the oil in my car! The...

  • Don’t Cross The Streams

    88

    And they've both got a huge business presentation in ten minutes! How on Earth can they sell the Nagatomi Corporation on the new merger if...

  • Regrets

    17

    1,000 of your Frequent Flier points go toward a smooth, comfortable post-catastrophe landing when you fly Air Regrets.

  • Carpool Academy

    55

    We'll just stop by the precinct on the way, I left my cell phone charger there. Hey, could you get those cuffs out of the glove compartment?

  • Johnny Quickdeath Celebrates...

    35

    Grab a bag of Lil' Smokies, get out the rubber ducky floaties and drift off into the packed, noisy waters of the town dam, with the...

  • Behind Closed Doors

    28

    Well, this is it. I'm going to go jump off a cliff now. Nothing makes sense anymore.

  • Girl Talk

    34

    Episode 305 - 'Mixed Signals' When Kelsey is mistaken for a famous pop singer, Olivia senses a moneymaking scheme. Kelsey protests, so...

  • Obscure Moments in History II

    12

    Even the greatest of History's men could O.D. on starchy carbohydrates while perusing Hungarian almanacs they can't even read. Surely you...

  • Court Date

    36

    She wound up vaguely blogging about it later on that evening, on her billofrightsjournal. Her mood was "Okay," but her friends could totally...

  • Laser Test

    693

    The Board of Highly Scientific Review & Science, as you can no doubt imagine, went on to publish several papers based on Dr. Firenzi's...

  • Last Anchor Standing

    52

    Hurt. Silence. Pressure. Boiling. Enough. All this and sports, when we return!

  • Just Driven That Way

    17

    His father was an Ford Super Duty, and his mother was a SmartCar that just kind of stood idly by, enabled and didn't do anything about it....

  • Bowzer!

    115

    Bowzer previously signed his owner up for the National Guard, listed him in the local sex offender registry, and artfully directed a runaway...

  • Flashback Special

    16

    And for a little extra, we do free delivery to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries."

  • Throw With Your Child

    13

    Nothing says "You're the greatest joy of my life" quite like joining hands to toss a ticking cartridge of destruction into the back nine at...

  • It Slices! It Dices!

    128

    And that's not all! Pot-bellied pigs are a hassle to clean up after, and can take forever to devour human flesh! But with sulfuric acid, the...

  • Mature Audiences Only

    65

    Sometimes the greatest of adventures happen to the most unlikely of heroes. In theatres everywhere this Fall.

  • Opening Credits Regret

    17

    IMDb > My Girlfriend, the Hobo (1986) > Plot summary When a high-powered real estate agent (Barry Bostwick) finds himself accused of...

  • One Club Monte

    12

    No one's had the heart to tell him that this particular stretch of island grows a special fruit which, when eaten, increases the eye's...

  • Moustache Ride

    29

    An incredibly strange, wonderfully true friendship comes to a terrible end.

  • Guaranteed Distraction

    88

    "Name that tune" brought them together. The rhythm method tore them apart.

  • The Nose Collector

    27

    Peekaboo. You're dead.

  • It Ain’t Shakespeare

    21

    Some glory in seconds, some 5-Second Films Some in their puns, some in their artless force, Some in their websites, though new-fangled ill,...

  • The Used Car

    125

    Still better than taking the bus.

  • Watch This!!!

    103

    Are you filled with regret that you don't have the fabled attachment to your baby that you were told you'd have? Flip those regrets away!

  • The Ransom

    28

    Well, fine then! Suddenly I don't feel so bad about these bills being quite large and totally marked all over!

  • Vinyl Condoms

    592

    Don't just buy the Extended LP version to look cool if it's not the right fit.

  • The Kyle Touch

    53

    In all likelihood, that rag will never get handed to anyone.

  • Home Makeover: Extreme Edition

    25

    Rebecca's entire family died in a horrific grenade accident, followed swiftly by a nasty divorce in which she lost her car, half of her...

  • The Ecstasy of the Lord

    774

    And the Lord spake, "Dudes, just tuck it up under your robes. You seriously haven't figured that out by now?"

  • Cool Neighbor

    21

    Last week we threw lit firecrackers into his storm drain. You should've seen Ron, he tried to act so cool! He put his shades on just to come...

  • Dr. Von Spider

    21

    Now he's sure to lose funding for his groundbreaking work on flies and their relative yumminess to fleas.

  • Reckless Relative

    26

    What seems to baby the officer, problem?

  • 5th Street Blues

    84

    And that Rolex had just 36-48 hours until retirement, too.

  • Keeping You Warm

    716

    Better still, in an energy crisis he lectures you about which lights to turn off so he can continue powering your home with hot, justicey...

  • Step One

    17

    The first step is, there is no second step.

  • Collector’s Issue

    19

    Zocko! Sproff! Thrum! Biff! Toffee!

  • Dinner Date

    22

    Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't know you were the 2nd lead zombie from "Dawn of the Dead." We can prepare something off-menu for you, if you'd...

  • The Dog Whisperer

    683

    A dog is just like a child. Both respond greatly to traumatic encounters with libidinous, magickal elf men.

  • Keeping You Safe

    672

    Unfortunately, shark people weren't banned from entering Britain, and now they've run amok. Just another inconvenience for the Hardest...

  • A Soldier Story

    44

    War drove them apart. Fate brought them together. The Sprint (c) Anywhere Anytime Plan (TM) nags them constantly.

  • Play Anything

    17

    To know Sony CF-520 is to love him. Kelsey Gunn is about to love Sony CF-520.

  • My Cousin Spambot

    15

    How are we related, you ask? Well, I HEARD SHE MET HIM ON T A L L M I L L I O N A I R E S.COM. And by "Her," I mean my Aunt, and by "Him" I...

  • Tony and Joey: Born a Broad

    18

    Demons with a socket wrench and ill-equipped to deal with the complexities of the English language, Tony and Joey are genuine American...

  • Party Girl

    32

    With friends like these, who needs crushing your soul in an organ grinder repeatedly and without mercy?

  • Grants!

    68

    Just when you thought terror couldn't get any more adorable.

  • Country Code

    77

    When you other countries start wearing flags on your pants, then we'll talk about code redistribution. Until then, it's just obvious we want...

  • Don’t Thinko de Mayo

    1009

    To be totally fair, we also wound up celebrating Halloween, Easter, Boxing Day, Pentecost, All Saint's Day, and various bank holidays in the...

  • Limited Time Offer

    47

    Men have a version of Femhalt, too. It's called filling up on bread at a restaurant and washing it down with soda and milkshakes. And only...

  • Prom Date

    47

    See, girls? This is why you should always date college guys in high school. Boys your age are just after one thing. Plus, they smell icky.

  • Stargazers

    622

    Look honey! If you see just past Orion's belt, just a bit west southwest, you can see Nightmarus Major. And look, there's Uncomfortablis...

  • Little Ben Visits Grandpa

    20

    The next day Grandpa's wallet was, in fact, gone. He spent about two hours running down PCH in his Depends before the cops brought him back.

  • CK: For Me

    24

    It only gets steamier from here, as the Europe-only version includes a bold, daring display of thumb wars and mulletry deemed too intimate...

  • Bankjob

    81

    When their parents heard the news, and identified the bodies, they burst into tears. No one should bury their own perverts.

  • Irresponsible Tio

    772

    The night, as it usually did, ended in a round of 'ludes, a bag of M-80s and a very unfortunate burrito cart.

  • The Break-Up

    636

    She needs to learn that it's not about the type of processed dairy product he pours. It's about whether they have fun pouring together. And...

  • Little Ben Monster Hunter

    99

    Armed with his trusty six-round ratchet-crank revolver, a steel-tipped fedora, and nerve gas-releasing cowboy boots, Little Ben stalked the...

  • Natural Selection

    78

    Trust us, you don't want to know why it feels good when you get your back rubbed, either.

  • Unorthodox Procedure

    21

    This isn't in your medical textbooks, ladies. Just grab me a roast beef hero, some of those extra-hot Cheetos and let a master do his work.

  • Live Fast

    243

    Rose Swan and Eddie Dawson met in a malt shop just outside of Tuscaloosa on a Friday night in 1958. This is their story. It is fun.

  • Pappy’s Genuine Texas Bee...

    60

    These bees were netted down by the local middle school's crunch corral picnic benches, smacked around in a clean jar until unconsciously...

  • Little Ben Goes Kite Flying

    21

    The Amko Kites "Flights of Whimsy" series, forged from parachute nylon and enhanced with electrostatic flocking, were canceled due to...

  • The Man On the Hill with the Power

    26

    "Answer the call! ANSWER IT! DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH YOUR JUDGING EYES, I AM THE HILLTOP OMEGA!" -T.M.o.t.H.W.t.P

  • Boss & Simmons Promote the...

    56

    Their first client was a tough nut to crack: How do you make kids want to watch the Travel Channel? But it only took 36 junior Dr. Peppers,...

  • The Easter Everything Changed

    34

    It was then, staring into the face of oblivion, a trickle of blood accenting the face's smirk like an apostrophe, that young Alexander...

  • Communication Breakdown

    14

    I don't know what it is that I like about you, but I like it a lot. Won't you let me hold you, let me feel your lovin' beeps?

  • One More Timeshare

    93

    You'd love the mahogany floors. They're about the same color as your face right now.

  • Time Waits For Ricky

    28

    Oh fine, plants die, ocean life inexorably affected, earth plunges into arctic prison, but no - you make sure your hair does that thing you...

  • Life Lesson

    29

    And right after this, Dad comes in and whispers to Junior about the necessity of using Jergens anti-gigantism cream.

  • Savage Times

    28

    Well, sucks to all of our ass-mar, eh guys? This one's gonna be hard to live down.

  • Parking Lot Problems

    22

    Oh, also, Circuit City's bankrupt. I mean, I plundered it! Yaaaar!

  • Self-Checkup

    54

    Well, clearly we can cross "Prostate" off the list here. Are you a "check for testicular cancer" kind of guy, as well? Good, good. Super.

  • The Iceman Cumeth

    11

    To be fair, shame is a useful warming agent as well, so these kids can't really lose either way.

  • Off Button

    13

    Hrm... Curses! Back to the lab! Hmmm... Curses! Kill myself!

  • Axe Legend Ray Dick’s...

    11

    Step One: Wrap your 1974 MGB around a lightpost outside Marks & Spencer. In broad daylight. Step Two: Come clean about your itty-bitty...

  • Playground Showdown

    30

    This town ain't big enough fer the two'f us. Ah hereby chall'nge you to a spellin' bee!

  • Photo Finish

    13

    In my day, people used to gather 'round the old Pied Piper radio ("Hammy," we called it, after the Pied Piper of Hamelin, not the advent of...

  • Doctor-Patient

    110

    This isn't covered by your HMO, by the way.

  • Magic Show Volunteer

    924

    Incidentally, If it was a boy, she'd have named it Kreskin. Now she has no choice but to name it Terrorspawn.

  • Worst Balloon Trip Ever

    16

    The only food they brought for their trip, to top this all off, was a half-eaten bottle of Flinstone's vitamins and a roll of Scotch tape.

  • Sobriety Test

    53

    He's got a lot of drunkies to collar tonight. To streamline the process, he's just going to start lobbing baseballs at passersby and see if...

  • The Green Hit

    24

    There are dental records, voice recordings and taped confessions at the end of that rainbow, too.

  • Social Drinker

    14

    The AA meetings always go longer than planned. Mysteriously, Erik continues to host the meetings entirely in his hat room.

  • Brains!!!

    20

    SERRRRVICCE!! CNNN UHHH GEEETT SUUUMMM SERRRVICCCEE!!!

  • The Oswalds

    19

    On a very special episode of "The Oswalds," Lee Harvey gets blamed for killing the class turtle Johnny when in fact he's just a fall guy....

  • Life of the Party

    37

    There's some Fallout 3 action going on in the basement, if you're into that. Also, we got a bag of animal crackers and some land shark beer...

  • Ninja Roommates

    26

    Also, Bonsai's not gonna water itself. Ted, I'm looking at you when I say that.

  • Hat Party Foul

    17

    It was that whole deck of Bicycle that did it for sure. Who was watching him? No one? You know how Bowler gets when he parties. Think first...

  • Skimboarding Scheme

    20

    He waited 15 years to do this. Fashioned a board from the panels of a sunken skipper. Studied the Fleshlings' movements. And now, the...

  • Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

    104

    Get with the times, Dad. It's 2009 PHY (Puny Human Years).

  • A Separate Peace

    25

    Coincidentally, Mike has no idea that the coffee he was drinking in the tree was secretly replaced with Folger's crystals. He spilled it on...

  • Bad Time Boys Ride Again

    4

    Those Bad Time Boys. Always evading Banker Hogg with a well-timed rampless jump and a taunting car horn jingle.

  • Domestic Disturbance

    34

    Gorlac was gonna be cool about it. Wasn't gonna do anything. Ran into his girl's ex at a bar once, didn't care much for him, but it was...

  • Mr. Shirts

    715

    They've got plaid shirts, spiral shirts, shirts that smell like lukewarm pork!

  • Irresponsibler Uncle

    27

    Coincidentally, this is how Uncle Jon learned to swim, in Da Nang. Best not to ask.

  • Parenting.com

    14

    Your one-stop shop for releasing years of torment, psychological abuse as a child, alcoholism, self-loathing, and a long-standing failure to...

  • Irresponsible Uncle

    13

    Motivation, as Uncle Jon will tell you, is only for talented people.

  • The Adventures of Danger Dog and...

    18

    Those who dare trade in evil will tremble before the might of Danger Dog! Also, his testicles.

  • The Reader

    17

    Okay, I didn't see this movie. But I almost saw "The International" last weekend, and both movies have "The" in the title, and Clive Owen...

  • Slumdog Millionaire

    655

    "A buoyant hymn to fleas" says Richard Corliss of Time Magazine.

  • Milk to the Future

    33

    Bigotry and social panic are no match for a flux capacitor and 1.21 jigawatts' worth of plutonium!

  • Benjamin Button 3: Back 2 tha...

    11

    Loved the first one. Can we make him more extreme though, something hip that the kids would be into? See, if an old man's going to be the...

  • Bush / Seacrest

    8

    400 million people were waiting for "The Daily Show" to parody this so they didn't have to watch the whole thing.

  • Secret Admirer

    744

    This 5sf is un-bear-able! (Pounds a glass of Southern Comfort alone)

  • Mommy Knows Best

    20

    Precious memories. Precious alloys.

  • Training Day

    26

    As soon as this becomes an Olympic sport, the only thing standing between him and the gold are the Croatians. Lousy Croatians.

  • Lava Surfin’

    17

    They calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds they were doing something incredibly stupid, and they went ahead anyway.

  • Beach Bully

    14

    He commands utter respect. Let's watch.

  • Coming of Age

    754

    I never did have friends like the ones I did when I was twelve. Gorlac, does anyone?

  • Bad Time Boys

    9

    Oh, those bad time boys. Always finding rampless jumps awkwardly located next to a boy finding out his dog died.

  • To Catch a Predator

    21

    Is it quibbling that Mr. Bucket asked children to put the balls in his "top," and that in fact they would come out of his mouth? I guess...

  • Cloud Watching

    9

    And that 5sf looks like a cloud!

  • Morning After Pill

    111

    Also known as RU-4NOTEVERGETTINGDRUNKAGAIN.

  • Woolthorp v. Pendergrast

    3003

    Incidentally, the source of their duel was over the level of irony in Dante's "Divine Comedy."

  • Turbo Charged

    12

    Turbo was just waiting for his friend to get back from Jamba Juice. It would have been awkward to stand there for five minutes and not help...

  • Casualties of War

    650

    (speechless)

  • Never Have I Ever

    21

    Carlos always loses pretty quick at this game. And when he loses, everyone loses.

  • iPorn

    685

    Approximately 48% of those polled said they were better drivers with porn playing in front of their faces. That wasn't enough to overturn...

  • Paparazzi

    11

    What a scoop!

  • Roommate Tension

    23

    Poor eibboR. His last rent check bounced because he made it out for the month of yaM and now Jeremy is pissed as hell.

  • Never Switch a Switcher

    747

    In fact, don't approach, cajole, molest, disturb or attempt to startle a switcher, either. The best course of action is probably to bow down...

  • The Most Popular Man (President) in...

    21

    3,000 problems is more of an understatement than anything. However, laughter probably is the best medicine.

  • The Most Popular Man in the World

    64

    Peep the SG hangin' out the breast pocket. This guy keeps it straight f'real.

  • Asshole

    33

    You know what they say: Ask for a stupid last request...

  • Honky Tonk Amateur Hour

    104

    Chorus: You're a four-legged gas burnin' bitch on wheels I take you in for a tune-up when you wear high heels For a brother-lover-master,...

  • Infidelity

    21

    Their marriage will never be the same. Kinkier, too.

  • Self-Hatred

    62

    Sometimes you don't just hurt the ones you love, you hurt the one you hate.

  • Ghost Stripper

    13

    Yeah, sure she's putting herself through college. Let's all just believe that fantasy.

  • Zanderflex Reloaded

    14533

    Told you his pickup lines work. Everything that happens after, on the other hand...

  • Mike Vs. Coffee

    64

    Mike takes seizing the day a bit literally. Also, see if you can figure out how many people in total are in the background, watching Mike...

  • Elliot Zanderflex

    18

    It's the same location, same pickup line he whips out every Wednesday, and yet it works.

  • Glutton for Punishment

    14

    Please, don't talk to him about Bowie, Springsteen, Ray Charles, The Stones, Guns 'N' Roses or The Talking Heads. Let's keep the discussion...

  • Dream Car

    577

    Chad's just racking up the sales tonight. Must be his tie.

  • Behind the Scenes at 5sf

    16

    An entire minute's worth of gags to be wrung out of dolphin skulls adorned with boater hats, and absolutely no female presence to really...

  • Resolution

    25

    What's worse, he drowned his sorrows in drink just after this fiasco and now he's fighting off alien spiders in 3014.

  • Munny!

    32

    Salvation Army Volunteer vs. Hunchback of Notre Handout in a battle of bell-ringing wits and skill!

  • Coors Extreme Energy Beer

    19

    Yeah, it's like Sparks, but as judged by the medium amount of vomiting that Coors Extreme induces, it clearly tastes better than Sparks.

  • Ho Ho Hustler

    13

    Santa always unwinds this way after the holidays, scamming a few extra bucks so he and the missus can go to Reno for the week. But this time...

  • World’s Best Dad

    13

    Even though he was splayed out in the same position as Dad every morning, the kid still never made the connection. To him, Santa was still...

  • Peace on Earth

    13

    And good laundry detergent towards my mouth.

  • Claus and Susan

    109

    Their torrid affair was brisk, shallow and never meant to be. Kind of like Susan's wax job.

  • The Greatest Gift of All

    21

    To make matters worse, he's partnered with GM on all sleigh models through 2012.

  • Christmas Is Coming

    34

    And the lawn stakes are loose. Stay tuned for Christmas Week, all next week at 5secondfilms.com!

  • Creepy Hug

    182

    Some hugs are creepier than others.

  • Potty Mouth

    26

    Little Winston learned a lesson, all right: The lesson of self-reliance. He will also wind up in jail eventually.

  • Clone Machine Havoc

    15

    Deep down, Adrian couldn't bear to destroy it. He just had to...disable it. Temporarily. Until the situation was rectified. Dammit man, it...

  • There’s No Wrong Way

    24

    Just out of curiosity, if we called this one "BANNED REESE'S COMMERCIAL FROM TEH 90'S" on YouTube, how many people do you think would fall...

  • Strange Meeting

    63

    Mr. Sandoval had to know this day was coming. Otherwise, why come out with the warpaint in his fingertips at all?

  • Night Baseball

    14

    Times were tough during the Great Streetlamp Blackout of 2008.

  • Saucy

    837

    With times being tight and all, it's hard to afford Harvey Fierstein's Select Meat Dinners and Wisecracks. This is the best our bachelor can...

  • Rodney the Rocket Car Meets Greased...

    19

    A treatise on the dangers of high-powered automobiles, and the arrogance of those who drive them.

  • Unrecognized Genius

    21

    Paid for by the Council To Raise Awareness of Canine Brewers.

  • Wranglin’

    25

    Built toon tough.

  • Breaking News

    14

    Man, Pazuzu does some quick copy. Talk about an employee that wants it.

  • The Duck Hunter

    26

    They. Have had. Enough of this.

  • The Internet Takes a Meeting

    13

    They blew their last conference call with Actual Tangible Money Corp by going off on a rant about Naruto and Tarantino. Tomorrow's a...

  • Beer People

    23

    The Solar-Powered Flashlight of alcoholic beverages. Unless you're a vampire, I guess.

  • Masters of the Viewniverse

    139

    This particular slide card never made much sense to him when he was a kid. But it's all coming back to him now.

  • Stuffed

    67

    Frank never really cared for the taste of turkey flesh. Not enough screaming.

  • Flarby’s Secret Weapon

    174

    Just wait til that other family restaurant, Thank Ganondorf It's Friday's, hears about this.

  • Puppy Talk

    16

    We really don't suggest asking the dog if cuteness is even quantifiable.

  • John Wayne Tasty Strikes Again

    8

    One of our nation's most prolific cereal killers is on the loose. Nothing with 8 essential vitamins and minerals is safe.

  • Aggressive Marketing

    11134

    Fired? No. Promoted to Head of Domestic Sales? Yes.

  • Xtrym Thyrzt

    33

    It's just so ill-advised. And pathetically extreme.

  • Secret Shopper

    16

    Devin had no idea we were filming. Maybe he realized it on the ride back to the apartment. When he made us onion rolls.

  • Drunk Triplet Party

    15

    Triplets, how often does this happen when you all get together over a bottle? Inquiring minds want to know.

  • Fight Squad

    32

    Hard to say no to the Squad. They wait all day for this kinda action.

  • Mr. Forgetful

    59

    But he never forgets to be a friend.

  • Boys Can Be Unready Too: A PSA from...

    41

    Everybody, literally every single person on set for this PSA got into a massive orgy seconds after the camera stopped rolling. Needless to...

  • Party Surprise

    30

    This was a strict, no-surprises party and Logan clearly didn't bother to adhere to it.

  • Boarding School

    106

    Unfortunately for Junior, he's getting shipped to St. Understated, Thoughtful Conclusions Academy. Life's gonna be rough.

  • John Pages Alex

    19

    To be honest, John never paged anyone via cell phone before and had no idea what would happen. But he got exactly what he wanted.

  • An Unstoppable Force

    15

    It's that one-in-a-million break-in where a baseball bat proves to be such a highly ineffective method of defense.

  • Ol’ Crazytooth

    15

    He may seem eccentric. But once you get to know him…he's also kind of a douche.

  • End of a Friendship

    1

    Scott pretty much won that one.

  • 70 Years Young

    2

    What happens when Scott and Dan get their faces generated.

  • The Oldest Trick in the Stove

    10

    Revenge for the Huge Pizza?

  • Huge Pizza

    661

    No, they've never appreciated it. How do you feel now?

  • Vote Responsibly

    126

    This election is the most important whatever you'll ever have to stuff and junk. Stay researched.

  • The Changeling

    116

    How hard is it to get good, non-interdimensional help these days?

  • Tricked

    31

    Candy-givers, be careful who you provoke on All Hallow's Eve. They may not take too kindly to it.

  • Launch Party

    94

    Our pledge to post a new 5sf every weekday may not fly if we stay tethered to our destructive obsession with strippers.

  • The Last Temptation of 5-Second...

    149

    Apple asked each Insomnia team to use three of a set of elements in their short films, among them Robin Darjeeling, dutch angles, dream...

  • anguish: a film by dalton gaudin

    27

    This is not a five-second film. If you try and argue otherwise, please note that you are part of the cynical, narrow-minded society the...

  • Operation Mistletoe Part Deux

    95

    The thrilling conclusion to Operation Mistletoe.

  • Uncle Chuck’s Stop Sign Trap

    21

    Every Easter, Chuck gets out there and sets up his stop sign trap. And every year, we have to find new holes to bury the bodies in.

  • Friends Are Forever

    21

    Tough break, Fuzzy.

  • Face Stomptacular

    69

    These were the early days of 5sf, when we were content with filming actual sleeping people and then suggesting via editing that Dalton was...

  • A Nation Forever Changed

    60

    Fresh, scathing political humor, hot off the presses and incredibly topical. Just the way we completely hate it.

  • Sgt. Slaughter, Motivational...

    13

    He keeps trying to pull this monologue thing off, and his penchant for brevity keeps getting in the way.

  • Ending to a Bad Teen Romantic...

    766

    It's not hard to tell which one of these we'd go with if we were the producer. Hint: It involves robots.

  • Ass Party

    77

    There's a party in my ass, and everyone's inv…oh, wait.

  • Operation Mistletoe

    758

    A world at crisis. An army facing down defeat. A man who will rise above it all.

  • The Fastest Cancelled Kid’s...

    137

    Just seconds later, they hastily re-ran last week's episode of "Fudgy Dragon and the Knights of Constipary," and after all the phone calls,...

  • Robodog

    246

    There are about 20,000 of these orbiting Mercury right now, doing their best to obey and failing miserably.

  • Morning Read

    71

    Some newspaper readers are more behind the times than others.

  • Bupkes Betrays His Countrymen

    16

    Bupkes thought he could withstand any form of torture and persuasion. Then the Russians brought in "Das Clozer."

  • The Merry Prankster

    27

    It's literally this all day for the Prankster, going from parking garage to parking garage. I'm not sure how he can afford a living.

  • Food Network

    21

    Not surprisingly, it's The Rachel Ray Show. You could pick out the seductive bass tones of her voice anywhere.

  • Bucky Calls the Captain

    642

    Listen Bucky, the Ameriphone is reserved for emergencies.

  • Johnny Quickdeath Goes...

    142

    It was ill-advised to begin with. But Johnny has a track record with this stuff.

  • Floyd’s Truck Show ‘97

    677

    When Floyd faced a life sentence for aiding the mob by fronting a fake soup kitchen charity that was secretly the largest drug-running...

  • Super Important

    19

    A friendship torn asunder by leisure time.

  • Busted Television

    23

    A really important Sharks game was supposed to be on, you see. Don't worry, they choked in the third period anyway.

  • Grouchy Positioning System

    785

    Clearly, some new GPS devices are not romantically attached to the idea of "just getting lost."

  • Porn

    19

    Sometimes you're all alone in the house, you try something new, and you just come up short. Well, not "short." You know what I mean.

  • God the Projectionist

    32

    6 billion years of film school for this?

  • Special Delivery

    53

    Exploiting severe nearsightedness is not a joke. I don't know why we made this.

  • Weed

    39

    When you're high on life it's a lot like this, except you're hurtling through an infinitely long shopping mall getting whaled on by the cast...

  • Meeps!

    770

    Don't let them in if you see them. Actually, that won't stop them. Actually, we're all dead. But it's okay, because we'll leave beautiful...

  • Johnny Quickdeath’s Pool...

    95

    Get your trunks on!

  • Magical Sign Adventure

    3181

    Sometimes you get so amped about going on a magical adventure, and you just forget to check what sign you're about to rock.

  • Galactic-ilarious

    696

    In space, no one can hear Jupiter laugh.

  • You Need the Twist-O-Matic

    131

    But that's not all! Sell your scrap gold and we'll cut your weight in half for just 5 minutes with Russell Simmons' pre-paid Rush Card!

  • Great!!!!!!!

    36

    Not a lot of narrative potential there Jason, but super try!

  • Nothing’s On

    15

    500 Channels of Chaucer and Proust? Where do I sign up (to have an assassin take my life)?

  • The Fire Island Players Present:...

    141

    The year after our "Slippery When Wet" entry in the annual 24-hour filmmaking competition at USC ("5 Seconds of Slip"), we stepped it up and...

  • 5 Seconds of Slip (Ed Wood 2006)

    35

    "Slippery When Wet" was the line to be used at USC's 2006 Ed Wood Film Festival. With a 24-hour deadline looming (much of which was spent in...

  • The Man Who Knows Everything There...

    125

    And literally nothing about anything else.

  • The Life of Riley

    38

    Ever wanted to know what was going on in your dog's head? No you don't.

  • Windy City Slurpee Run

    34

    For those especially windy times, when you just gotta have that cool refreshing blast of flavor that only a Slurpee can deliver.

  • Telekats, Episode 4 - “The...

    590

    Why, what's this? A most delightful tale of salesmanship, penguins and lemonade? It could only be the work of those rascally, all-powerful...