Films
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Timmy’s Dying Wish
0Timmy's quick thinking, however, was not enough to save him from the medical bills to follow - a payment to be made in "either blood or...
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Behoof
0Her shoe addiction tore their marriage apart. Also he tore her apart for meat. It's a terribly sad story, I know, but not an unusual one....
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Broken Clocks
3Major credit cards? No! Also, we are dog and child friendly! Do not bring them in. We are closed but the lights are so bright and it's...
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Big in Japan
1
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Mr.Trump Goes to Washington
2After he fucked a frog onstage while screaming "FAKE NEWS" in Russian, a fountain of piss exploded and soaked the Mormon Tabernacle...
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Christmas Pageant
4
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Christmas 10k
3Slap those elfin bells on your racin' shoes, here comes the Christmas 10K! Time to shred off those turkey handles with a pavement...
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Letter to Santa
1
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First Day of Christmas
2This year's Christmas Week is brought to you by NOG®! Arrange the bodies of your finest nearby compatriots and sup from our gurgling...
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Trump U
0
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Lyft Horror Movie Mode
15We teamed up with Lyft to film 5-Second Films with passengers on the way to their destination. Here are some of our favorites. ...
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The Power of Cinco de Mayo
1"Neo-Los Angeles is about to A.P.P.R.O.P.R.I.A.T.E. A. D.A.Y. W.H.O.S.E. S.I.G.N.I.F.I.C.A.N.C.E. T.H.E.Y. D.O.N.T. U.N.D.E.R.S.T.A.N.D....
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The Revenanting
4
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What It’s Like To Be The Guy...
7Ugh, here comes the guy who watched his wife get her limbs ripped apart by a robot he built named Buzz, but was reprogrammed by the...
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Christian Singles
2Wherever your date has to walk to for his little God rod to escape his internal shame radius, you let him. Be it a babblin' brook, a free...
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Fred Alarmisen
14The company was immediately sued into bankruptcy, and oblivion, after their latest brand extension, the "First Alarmisen Senior's...
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Exit Row
2Based on what they just saw, his qualifications were simply too good to ignore. Upon scooping him up at the chain link fence surrounding...
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Another Success
1There's nothing quite like the feeling of another Christmas come and gone. All the hustle and bustle of the season, the anticipation of...
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Christmas Butter
6He's in you when you're sleeping. He's the glisten in your parents' teeth when you're awake. He knows if you bought margarine, and he'll...
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5SF’s Christmas Bonus This...
2Last year everyone got PS4s and a big ol' honkin' handjob in the back room where they kept all the extra snacks bought in bulk from...
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Cutesy Couple Christmas Card
2It's funny how a little font choice makes all the difference. A few months later, when they sent out their wedding invitations, they came...
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Santa Baby
3Santa baby, just slip my father under the tree, for me, Haven't seen him in years, Santa baby, So lure him in with whiskey tonight...
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Decorating The Christmas Tree
3Real Actual Angel From Heaven Christmas Tree Toppers tend to cost about $100 if you buy them in the department store, but you can save up...
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The Audition
5He tried briefly appeasing his cruel judge with a "jaunty sidestep" of the ottoman, but was sternly reprimanded. "Nobody's paying to...
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The Legend of the Hooky Killer
1They set up a perimeter around the woods. Ever since the Harbinger and his brother went on those rampages years back, no one was taking...
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The Ritual
1
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Family Recipe
1
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Home is Hell
4For Joe, coming home to West Virginia was like being denied his existence. The VA lost his paperwork. The shrink would routinely forget...
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Box 4 Box
2It starts with the shoulder muscles. Like tectonic plates shifting, the deltoids slithering under the trapezius to slowly migrate up near...
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The Harbinger
1Curiously, Officer Ramos noted in his report, it all happened in broad daylight. That made it seem worse somehow, as there was nowhere...
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Colorado to Washington
2Right as you cross the border from Colorado to Wyoming, police come through the cabin, confiscate all your paraphernalia, handcuff you,...
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Party Patriot
1Seemingly never learning from history, Glory Chipz held an online "Flag Your Flavor" contest to determine what the internet would most...
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Latte Banksy
1His previous works, "A Flower Growing Out of A Landfill" and "Sledgehammer Going Into a TV" were poorly received and only sold for $3.50...
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Don’t Film This I’m...
1The resulting viral infamy led to an appearance on Conan while stuck in the door, a sit-down with Bernie Sanders while stuck in the door,...
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Great Distraction
1It didn't make for the best Christmas last year, when they mistakenly bought her the hit board game Don't Wake Daddy, Who Will Then Tell...
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Long Battery Life
2His will decreed that all his snaps would be bequeathed to his first-born, and his insta account would be turned over to Starrbangzz, the...
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Slo-Mo Hummingbird
3Red-Red Juice is a highly sought-after narcotic in multiple hummingbird circles, prized for the clarity of its effects with minimal...
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Emo Kids Moving Out
1He had a track record of being a delightful guest - always offering to put the plates in the sink, always offering to put his hand in the...
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Roommate Mix Up
3Thankfully, Aaron managed to find an endless string of colorful neckerchiefs with which to rappel out the bank's second story window,...
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Adult Gift
1His whole life was a series of blandly Facebookable events thereafter, a roulette wheel of wine parties and coffee-tasting classes, all...
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The Reincarnation of Cinco de Mayo
0The cycle shall be replenished, the flesh shall bathe with the eternal hops, and the question shall be asked. This is how it has always...
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Long After the Honeymoon
611Joey's mother suspected those Ginsu knives she gave her son on the day of his wedding would come back to haunt them...but when she later...
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HIDYM
0The network felt "How I Divorced Your Mother" didn't quite create the emotional entry point for the 7-99 age demographic.
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Getting To Know Her III:...
0Making matters worse, she's actually a vegan, and was just trying to tell him in the nicest way possible not to order 12 Meat Threesome...
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The Last Kickstarter Film
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "A Dude Bro backer sits at their computer all excited that they get to submit an idea for a 5SF. Confident in...
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Hashing it Out
0They were too high to come up with more weed puns after this initial exchange, so they just got on with it, the man weeping bitter tears as...
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Are we going to make it?
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: Two paramedics use their siren to get to a fast food place before the breakfast deadline ends.
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Awkward Billboard
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: A couple are looking at a billboard with a badly drawn, unnerving-looking cartoon character on it. One of the couple...
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Atheist Wizard
0ORIGINAL PROMPT:"INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Four friends sit around a table laid out with Dungeons and Dragons gear. One of them, BRIAN, is...
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Offer You Can’t Refuse
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: if possibly could you guys do another Johnny quick death or another john worley pitch please i laugh so...
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Australian Gladiator
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: Russell Crowe in American Gladiator. In my head I see someone being knocked off the pedestal in a American Gladiator...
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Mount Tinder
0Original Prompt: Scene 1: Supernatural Dating Website...
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Irresponsible Spelunker
0Original Prompt "another irresponsible uncle video starring Jon Worley"
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The Last Buddy Cop Movie
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Last Buddy Cop Movie Scene: On the set of a buddy cop movie being filmed (5SF can determine the appropriate...
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Fish For Dinner
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Story outline: A young woman answers the front door. She's happy to see her neighbor, but the neighbor sniffs the...
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Mr. Bones Hits On Ladies
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: Set in a bar, a skeleton sidles up next to a woman and delivers skeletal pick-up lines. Successful or not.
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In Flight Meal
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: Guy in airplane pukes in paper bag. Flight attendant takes the bag away. Puts content in a small jar. (hard cut to...
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Welcome to Hell
2ORIGINAL PROMPT:The Devil tries to bother Officer Sminkle and it doesn't work, repeatedly.
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Huge Overreaction From Paul On This...
0Fat guy with neckbeard becomes enraged with fast food clerk for some reason. Let's say because they stopped serving breakfast, or they're...
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The Big Question
627ORIGINAL PROMPT: On his deathbed, a rich old man says, "I'd give it all away for one more day with her" and looks at an old framed...
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Intergalactic S&M
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Pan-dimensional dominatrix: “The safe-word is [impossible noise for humans].” “Wait, how do I make that...
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The Ball Drop
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: Setting: Brian's Underwear Scene: Think cliff hanger's opening scene Actors: Micheal E Peter (MEP) as Sylvester...
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Mount Bro-More
0ORIGINAL PROMPT:Brian and Ben are standing somewhere (probably a street) with a mountain in the background. Ben asks Brian, "Hey, do you...
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The Apaulcalypse
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Anything related to Pauly P. A couple of ideas that come to mind.. Pauly P. goes to prison Builds his empire wins...
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T&A
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "INT – ND LOCATION A MAN (maybe one with long hair, who could be confused for a female from behind, if we think...
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HAL Discovers Wordplay
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "HAL DISCOVERS WORDPLAY The red-eye of the computer Hal looks on at the weary and haggard astronaut Dave, just trying...
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The Only Kid It’s Okay To...
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Teacher (or some authority figure) is talking to the class: "You should all be nice to each other, no matter the race,...
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Missing Child
1I imagine this as a small series of 5SFs (three or four or five. In each one, someone is talking about some horrible tragedy, personal or...
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Viggo On Viggo For Viggo
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "it's night time and person watching/reading looks at the night sky and there is constellation that looks like Viggo...
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Mary Fappins
0ORIGINAL PROMPT "a parody of the Mary Poppins song "I Love to Laugh," called "I Love to Fap." Kelsey walks into the room as Mary to find...
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Ben Eats A Big-Ass Pickle
3ORIGINAL PROMPT "This one is VERY easy. Ben has to eat the largest pickle that Rouss can find. that's it. He promised he'd do in Dudebro...
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Kelsey Cat: Origins
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "FIX IT IN POST a.k.a. HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED FOR REALLY REALS NO REALLY YOU GUYS scene opens to 5sf crew seated...
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First Family Secret
1ORIGINAL PROMPT:"A white woman is giving birth with the assistance of a doctor. Her white husband is there. She gives birth to triplets,...
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One Sumo Two Many
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: Only close-ups are shown at this point. Person number 1(P1) is doing something in a tight space eg. kitchenette or...
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Double Entendre
10ORIGINAL PROMPT: Two guys are standing next to each other. One points to a girl and says, "That girl asked me for a double...
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Heavy Metal Lawyer
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: It starts off in a court room in the beginning of a trial with a judge naming off heinous crimes that the defendant has...
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Do It
2ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Here’s my 5SF pitch. The idea is based off of a comic I drew years ago. http://imgur.com/a/q0iFw Title: Just do...
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Mystery Submission
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "What I had in mind was having it start out with Brian standing behind someone of the crew sitting at a computer and...
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You Got Served
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "A person opens door expecting their food. It's someone with food but also a summons to appear in court (don't know...
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Rad Rebel Riders
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "RAD REBEL RIDERS 70s lyrca-clad bike riding all women supeheroes the Rad Rebel Riders fight evil dudes with their...
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The Second Amendment
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Close Up: The Second Amendment of the original constitution as it is being written. Voice from off screen: "...the...
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A Terrible Idea For A 5SF
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: I have a terrible idea for a 5SF
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The Big Test
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Several cuts of a student frustratedly studying all night for an exam. In the morning, a roommate comes down into the...
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Chekhov’s Unloaded Gun
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Friendly Fire" 2 guys walk into an abode. The first man says "Hey, who's gun is that?" The second says "That's my...
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Zanderflex: Snack Time
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "MAN: I want to eat your pussy! Whip-pan to WOMAN. WOMAN: Is this a pun? Whip-pan back to MAN. He is trying to eat...
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I Need Space
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "The scene begins with a couple arguing. The girlfriend then tell him "Look, I just need some space alright?" Suddenly...
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Life Is Gonna Be So Sweet
3ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Life Is Gonna Be So Sweet." _ Shot 1. Brian, in a graduation gown, steps down off a stage and joins Michael R, also...
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Joey Finds The Internet
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Space chicken is sitting in the dining room when Joey walks in and says "Hey I found the Internet" (just a box that...
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With Regret
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Guy thinks it's April Fool's day and tries to do a prank but it's some other holiday instead so it gets really...
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Something About Steaks
3ORIGINAL PROMPT: "What I had in mind was something like this: Indoor-Night, there's some people playing an intense game of poker,...
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Yeti Cop
598ORIGINAL PROMPT: A POLICE OFFICER is pinned down by a group of crooks (gangbangers? 1920s gangsters?). He's calling for back up,...
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The Worst 5sf Ever
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: Opening shot of Brian sitting in front of his laptop Brian: Rousselet, come check this out. It has to be the...
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Mind Palace
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Detective is at a crime scene. He says "I need to enter my *mind palace*" He enters his mind palace to find another...
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Time For The Main Event
8ORIGINAL PROMPT "I'm a pro-wrestling fan and I love bad puns. So I thought you could combine these two things into a bigger thing! I...
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Holden Girls
0ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Two old women are sitting on a park bench, knitting. One: ""Ready yet Helga?"" Two: ""I sure am Gertrude."" They...
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Hugh Can’t Get Enough
6ORIGINAL PROMPT: "Guy named Hugh. Gets asked 'Hey, how are Hugh today?' Hugh Dies inside. Hugh: "Great thanks man. " Someone else...
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The Best 5SF Ever Written
3ORIGINAL PROMPT "Brian begins looking through the backer-submitted 5sf ideas. Cut to the screen showing every message reading ""Olivia...
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The Devil’s Delorean
1ORIGINAL PROMPT: "The scene is set where Alec is upset and tells his friend the Devil (Ben), he wishes he could go back in time. The...
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Bad Sandwich
1Sometimes I have dreams that I'm back in high school, about to get onstage in "Inherit the Wind," and I've forgotten all my lines as Henry...
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The Mile-Cry Club
2When the "fasten seatbelt" sign is lit, that means the lavatory is out of use and you must be returned to your seat with your lap belt...
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Midnight Makeout
1He was shunned from going to the Hipsters NYE Ball, forced to toil in the basement, until his fairy godmother arrived and mumbled, in...
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Frequent Flyer
2Santa doesn't deal well with turbulence, ever since he saw the 1997 movie Turbulence, directed by Robert Butler, written by Jonathan...
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Caroling In The City
1This earned them a pretty stellar rep amongst the neighborhood trick-or-treaters as "the house that hands out cold, hard, unmarked cash...
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Red Christmas
2It all started when he received instructions from Alger Hiss to deliver special presents to Ethel and Julius Rosenberg. Sure, it was a...
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Santa’s Gotta Brand New Bag
3He waited. Waited in line behind Santa as he went through the X-Ray scanner, hoping he'd have to go through twice. Waited to see if Santa...
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Don’t Disturb The Fish
10This is what happens when you don't properly earmark the funds that are meant to be distributed between the Parks & Wildlife Preservation...
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Stay In The Light
1(new) RULES: http://i.imgur.com/rG1ATwU.jpg
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Bump in the Night
0Pain becoming pleasure is an interesting phenomenon. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and so it goes that once...
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Appetite
0Shortly after the divorce hearings, his ex-wife disappeared from the public eye. People thought it was strange because she had such a...
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Tarot Terror
0She predicted the water poisoning. Predicted the spread. Predicted the quarantines. She predicted the skin sloughing off the infected,...
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Guard Dog
1Contrary to the old way of thinking, dogs don't see in black-and-white. Our research has shown that they're limited to gradients of...
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The Black Street Butcher Strikes...
0Nobody put it together at first, even though the tape was discovered in an apartment at 414 Canary St. leased out to two (2) disappeared...
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Dr. Doppleganger’s Mystery...
0The good doctor lost his parents in a car accident when he was 11. His sister was slashed to death the following winter when she fell...
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Beware
3The next morning, a set of five pinched fingers slowly outstretched, extending their reach in all directions. An eye opened with the...
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The Late Mr. Preston’s Wife
2Alistair Preston never appeared to her in the flesh again, in the years that followed. Sometimes she’d catch a reflection in the glass...
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Tone Death
3Without the musical genius of The Great Contini, Susan would have never had a singing career. indeed, she would have had nothing - born a...
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Rodolfo St. Tenedor, Heartthrob...
4Rodolfo "Dolph" St. Tenedor was known far and wide for never pulling off a single successful wedding before lust and carnage took over....
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Hot Rod
5Admittedly, it needs to be plugged in more often than a Tesla, but that just means it needs wifi and artisanal fair trade coffee every 35...
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Like Father Like Son
5He likes fathers, he likes sons, he likes sisters, he like cousins. Basically what we're saying is he needs to be in prison before he...
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One Man’s Future
19Preston Bronconius wound up killing so many millions of Future Hitlers across space and time that he became known as the "Future Hitler...
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Diction
4Childish schoolyard pranks, such as the famous "I can make you speak Indian," can be easily deterred as seen here. For example, if...
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Talk To Text
7Knowing now that he would have to keep this charade up if it meant staying in a rent-controlled apartment, Joey went on to marry Tim,...
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Keys, Wallet, Phone
8The door locked behind him, and with all the neighbors gone for work, there was no phone he could use to call the bank and cancel his...
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Fastest Feathers In The West
20613He slandered his lady, kilt his steed, but worst of all - he lied about the thread count on the down comforter he sold him. Blood, my...
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The Last 5sf - Part 2
58Villains rise, heroes fall. An epic battle unfolds in the heart of space. And somewhere, deep in the bowels of Hollywood California, one...
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The Last 5sf - Part 1
32The gang becomes obsolete, and thus begins a mad quest for revenge. Part Two airs tomorrow. Be there. #Last5sf Filmed at: Laurel...
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Snake Attack
88They were the best attackers in the business. And brother, business was good. But they knew sooner or later their wild ride would come to...
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The Man
11Stan Lee's entire workday is like this. Just endlessly holding court for random twenty- and thirty-somethings, most of whom have nothing...
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Welcome to Chincón
22Officer Sminkle was a man on the run. A lone gun, wanted for the murder of America's bird. A private eye hiding behind a faded badge in...
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Stepfather’s Christmas
4It had been hard for him to win their love. They were finicky, standoffish and distrustful of him, as stepchildren are often wont to be....
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Santa Lays Some Hard Truth
8It's not that Santa's job requires him to keep tabs on kids once they grow out of believing in him, and believing that unprotected sex is...
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Rad Dudes
31The radness of these dudes was truly legendary. Tales of their rude 'tudes spread far and wide, echoing off every majestic mountaintop,...
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Fugitive Penguin
10He's spent his whole life on the waddle from the cops. An innocent penguin, framed for a crime he didn't commit, forced to slide from...
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Backhanded Compliments
10She later had to go to the emergency room, where doctors described her as "pretty in a weird, indie sort of way." The doctors were all...
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Never Double Bag It!
7The friction caused by double-bagging your groceries causes tiny holes to be torn in the paper, thus letting all the flavor seep out....
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Tips For Being Successful
643Buying off the cops is Tip 1. How do you get money to pay off the cops, you may ask? Tip 0: [redacted for lewd and indecent content]
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Wardrobe Malfunction
3Larry had a long day. He interviewed a bunch of idiots, had a sandwich, talked to a giant bagel, and had to arrange for special...
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Monticello
11Jefferson showed his drawings to Washington, who branded them "juvenile," "tasteless" and "not what this country needs right now." Then...
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Doubloons
15They fetch a fine price on Clown Island, where you can trade for the finest seltzer water and polka dot onesies of pure silk.
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Guns
18This incident spawned a massive gun control debate that raged its way into the media and Congress. Sweeping legislation was passed that...
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The Great Bagel Debate
13Larry continued to eat his sandwich from last Friday's 5-Second Film, "5SF: The Interview." He munched on it, savoring every bite, and...
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Girl Back Home
9It's the first rule of warfare: Never show your fellow trenchmate a photo of who you're fighting this godforsaken war for back home....
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5SF: The Interview
13Larry's next three cards said "No really, I have a show to run, please stop talking," "So this is why you guys aren't more successful,"...
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Revelation at a Comedy Club
9He had known Mikey DeMarco since they were little kids. They played stickball, hit on girls, goofed off in class together, all their...
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Paper Or Plastic
16They obviously want you to pick plastic, since picking paper would mean one of them has to rip off their head and offer it to you as a...
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Ska Band
658You'd think after watching his band, The Skanking Spankers, go from playing Conan during the height of the third-wave boom to opening up...
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Hungry Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippos
15On the day of the last white pellet, Yellow Hippo pulled out his harmonica and trilled a little ditty. It wafted into the boxy night sky,...
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The Valet’s Last Day
13Over the final eight hours he would ever endure as a lowly, put-upon valet at Skdouche's Club & Restaurant, the jaunty fun of pranking...
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The Kids Table
7This Thanksgiving, be thankful that you didn't grow up learning how to sling china white heroin so you could buy black market rocket...
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Streets Of Change
7You can't ever seem to get past the second level (getting a sandwich at the 7-11) without wasting a ton of quarters. Instead, you're just...
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Batman Vs. The Phantom
12Music by John Robert Matz -www.johnrobertmatz.com He trained his mind and body to fight crime. Overcome all odds. Right all wrongs. But...
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Legends of the Hidden Market
11Anyone ever watched this show, wondering why the hell the contestants were so slow to get through the frozen food aisle and the cookware...
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The Belt
33DISCLAIMER: We understand if this one is troubling and offensive to you. Viewed in the context of the rest of our site, it may seem like...
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11 Months Sober
10Part 4 of "Bummer Week."
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No
18Part 3 of "Bummer Week."
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Final Visit
22Part 2 of "Bummer Week."
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Gone Since October
22Part 1 of "Bummer Week."
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Sad Robot
756There was a great heaviness filling up his circuits, drowning out the fading sparks in his motherboard. It was time to reboot forever....
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The Spy Who Drugged Me
7Of course, part of being attractive is being good at conversation - revealing the sides of you that are witty, intelligent, inquisitive,...
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The Hunt
14The hunters were brought in on charges of animal cruelty and murder, forced to stand before a court of law to explain their actions....
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From The Makers Of…
5The Executive Trilogy, of course, was the American remake of the original Swedish trilogy, which was an adaptation of a series of books...
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Questions Of An Equine Nature
12Clem did go on to have that horse ride him. They placed first at the Paralympics, for their flawless display of dressage, and their...
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Death Meteor
6Ever since his wife left him to date an astronaut, news anchor Franklin Burns devoted a lot more time to "wishing death upon humanity,...
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Defending Your Life
8Police picked him up on the side of Fairmont Ave., trying to hitch a ride back to Nilbog Caverns. He procured a lute from thin air, began...
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Political Cartoon
3The thong, you see, resembles the iron grip that Assad has over the lower buttcheeks of his country.
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Improv Artist
3His finished work, "BananaDogMichaelChiklisInsideKFCMiddleFingerFuckEveryoneI'mLeaving" now proudly hangs over one of the big booths at a...
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Fun With Cellophane
6Put some barf in your scarf with this classic cellophane prank. Don't wear a scarf? Get one so that the rhyme works, asshole. Wear it to...
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She Won’t Stop Crying
13Six seconds later, the crying stopped. And in its place came the silence, a cavernous absence of sound that grew more disconcerting with...
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Dinner is Ready
10His fingers unwillingly gripped the edge of the table, as if he had magnets in his fingertips. With every bone in his body, he tugged and...
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Peanut Butter Patty
12It wasn't until a week later that her co-workers noticed she hadn't come in to collect her holiday check. She never socialized much with...
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Party Gone Wrong
13Overcome with a new emotion, he got up from the table. He had never done that before. There was always the cake, always the seat, always...
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The Closet
10The next night, he woke up to find an endlessly long tentacle slithering down his throat, restricting his breathing and burning his...
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RowboatCop: Origins
9The operator neglected to inform the President of OCP that RowboatCops are definitely "a thing" in Japan, where people love to order...
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I’m a Nice Guy
566Scrambert would have to learn how to treat women with the same respect he would treat people he didn't want to take to the Bone Zone, or...
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The Stick Up
11Eventually, 2,999 of those 3,000 babies grew up asking who their daddy was and why he wasn't around. The synchronous sound of their...
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The Painter
12He excels in painting still life, which, after she dies from being completely covered in paint, she will be.
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Oculus Split
7Two-player mode isn't any easier, since the hunky rhythm guitarist level inevitably creates feelings of tension between P1 and P2,...
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Put On Your Boyfriend Pants
8He kept thrusting and thrusting, and the light still wouldn't turn on. It was then that he realized he never once actually pleased her in...
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Time Traveller Problems
10The concept of getting one's hands completely, utterly, wonderfully dry with this...non-motion activated...thing...called paper towels...
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Tips To Avoid Conflict #115
5After chopping off his fingers to keep from writing anything down, and surgically removing his eyeballs so as not to communicate with his...
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Settlers of Catan
20Doug's really touchy whenever you bring up his homeland, in any form in any sentence. Don't mention the totally unrelated Yucatan...
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The Secret Mission Of The First...
7The terrible Chiquita Shortage of 1949 never made it to history books, and the intrepid monkey Albert II faded away into obscurity. This...
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A Very Important Dinner
14So what have we learned from Dumpster Week, kids? Well, we learned that no dream is too big, no dumpster too small for a giant green man...
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Homeless Romantic
11She got married to the onion and he ate the chair. Silly homeless people, driven to ruin because of circumstances and forces beyond their...
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Dumpster Diving
13He unfortunately did not qualify for the Olympics, because you need to jerk off a lot of judges in a lot of alleyways to get to that...
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Single Again
7Once you get dumped, traditional modes of escape are impossible. The only recourse is to fall in love with one of the other dudes inside,...
-
Dumpster Baby
6It came from his butt and he tried selling it in individual cans of kitchen-sliced asparagus until the company said "WTF get your butt...
-
Designated Drinker
10Incidentally, if you go to a bar with your buddies and tell the bartender you're the designated drinker, you get free whiskey sours all...
-
Dangarang
17When throwing a Dangarang with your friends, always make sure to use a lot of wrist action and have a lot of friends. If you don't have a...
-
The Chiropractor
8On the off chance that someone comes into his office NOT feeling pain in their neck and back (and in that order), he'll just punch and...
-
It’s Not A Hickey
7Who are you to judge? I pour yogurt down my pants just to simulate jizz stains wherever I go. Well, I guess that means I should say "Who...
-
Pixel Lover
10You know the old saying: If there's 65,536 values stored in the integer, press start.
-
The Hurtlehead Is Coming!
7The Paulsens across the way didn't throw out their Mercy Sphere in time last week, and the Hurtlehead made an abrupt 90 degree turn into...
-
How To Make It In Hollywood
5All his lectures end up on RedTube for some reason.
-
Go Update Yourself
7Today's up-to-date iPhone chargers, tomorrow's impromptu cat toys.
-
Mixed Drink
11Ordering a Jack & Diet Coke is an oxymoron here, since coke is great for dieting. Dieting tip: Do coke
-
Grand Theft Auto
8Featuring the most super-realest graphics ever, with totally sick real-life resolution, and an insane crazy big, massively multiplayer...
-
5SF Joke Pitch #8001
16Other people have tried pitching getting their dick sucked with not nearly as much success. Alec is just that good in the room.
-
Ignorant Smoker
628Instead of cigarettes, Paul preferred to smoke marijuana. And this, kids, is the moral of the story: Don't smoke trees, lest they...smoke...
-
Ladies First
13His father named him Ladies, after the top 250 things his dad loved the most and the top 12 things his dad divorced. Yes, his dad was the...
-
Late For Laughs
21The cop asked for his license, and he pantomimed pulling out his wallet to retrieve it for the officer. When the cop said "You just...
-
A Big F You
15He used to get hired as a birthday party clown on the basis of this one frightening, mind-bending mutant power, but when he trickled...
-
Animal Attraction
9There are four kinds of stories you can tell: Man vs. Nature, Man vs. Man, Man vs. Dog's Butthole, and Man vs. Himself. This is clearly a...
-
NSA A-OK
10THat's right. wE'rE just A meaninGLEss Comedy tRoupe wIth a littlE, Stupid gimmick. AnyThing you MIght Dare to piN on us Is just Gossip,...
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Laying Out For It
5His beer was so shaken up from that toss that the resulting foamy explosion led to a delay of game, one that cost Team Mike to miss three...
-
Damn
5Undeterred, the beavers simply hopped on the wood and let it take them to their new home, where they would begin anew. The river promptly...
-
Hollywood Delivers
666Hey man, what pizza do you wanna go see? I dunno either, just something to get out of the heat for a minute. Just to sit in an air...
-
Golden Ticket
10They fucked.
-
Is Anyone Home?
4This is the preferred tactic for getting rid of Jehova's Witnesses, but at least when they get told off by us, they get great .gif fodder...
-
Concerned Redneck
3He's pretty deep-set in his ways, having been taught by generations of fathers in his family that gay people sometimes just walk instead...
-
Intergalactic Chivalry
10She went back to his place, which was 13.7 billion light years away times two, and wait why times two? Well, look, we're strictly talking...
-
Belabor Day
10It's a day so frought with tension, incident, history and moving parts to be explained, that most Americans can hardly know where to...
-
Pushing It
9Halfway through their trip into the desert, they made amends and realized that their friendship was more important than labels and...
-
Lucky Guy
9Later he got hit by an armored bank truck going 85 miles an hour, which was carrying $5 million in cash. Sources are still out on whether...
-
Escape Artist
26The real magic trick is how they're still married. Wanna know how they pulled off that fantasmical illusion? Well, normally a magician...
-
Great Comeback
948He said it. He couldn't take it back. Goobity-Dop. Those fateful syllables hung in the thick summer air like a chandelier of daggers held...
-
Afflecktion
20People tried to make hacky jokes on Twitter about how Matt Damon should play the moon, but Matt Damon, those people, and everyone...
-
Dirty Boyfriend
22He's so dirty that his girlfriend went back in time, enrolled at Bath University, nabbed a cheerleading uniform, got caught on her way back...
-
19th Century Gentlemanscaping
128Way back in the entirety of the 19th Century, men's vital arteries were located entirely in their balls (then referred to as "The Danger...
-
Working On The Chain Gang
6They may not get any work done, but unlike a surly teenage boy, they'll never pretend they're working when really they're just masturbating...
-
They Can Dance If They Want To
5The indian in the cupboard had enough. He and his brethren were going to be respected, they were going to get referred to by their actual...
-
Foreplay
10These guys are looking to caddyshack up by putting from the rough, but they're playing miniature golf if you catch my drift. If you don't...
-
Hold Me Closer Tiny Batman
11Sometimes one little word is all it takes to change the meaning of a sentence entirely. For example, Tomm didn't find Batman WHILE...
-
Where No Man Has Gone Before
7With proof of Hell handily established, the intrepid men of NASA next turned their sights towards the North Pole, to see if Santa lived...
-
Gobegone Jabroni
7Gobegone Jabroni is not available in Canada, Mexico or Puerto Rico. Gobegone Jabroni should not be activated when driving or operating...
-
Scientific Proof
16What you CAN do as a ghost, however, is stick your dong in the freezer, which seems useless until you have nothing else to interact with...
-
Modern Parenting
642I'm serious, I don't even own a babysitter anymore. I used to have one just to watch The Wire, but after that I was like "what is this...
-
Can’t Go
13Usually when a man enters a restroom and there's a waterfall in the stall right next to him, it gets really awkward and uncomfortable,...
-
Over It
11No description available because fuck it and fuck you and fuck this
-
Imagination Doctor
4There were three clues he found while in there: A used condom, a burner cell phone, and a ripped-out phone book page for local strip...
-
Emo Kids All Grown Up
108Well technically, a third of his life is only over if he lives to be 90. Which, based on his paleo/vegan diet, means it's highly likely....
-
Mustache in the Wind
13The Southern Reticulated Mustache is not a pack mustache like other breeds. It is raised by the mother for about 3-4 months in the wild...
-
RowboatCop
20Part Man. Part Rowboat. All...wait what? How can anyone be part rowboat? I don't care who you are, that doesn't work. No. Sorry. I defy...
-
The Circus Comes to Town
19Most traveling circuses tend to attract rats, cockroaches and termites. This one drives them out, and as a bonus it even kills stupid...
-
Going Out
8Who has two thumbs and doesn't love an orgy? Hydra-Thumb, a ravenous beast with two giant thumbs for heads that stomps around the city,...
-
Making Faces
8Four months later, a body was found face-down in the Hollywood Reservoir. It was later identified as Hollywood movie star Ryan Gosling....
-
Butts Butts Butts Butts Butts
23Automated butt services are the total worst. You never get a real butt to deal with your problem, just some computerized butt that can...
-
The Merry Prankster: School Days
9This is at least better than that time he set three goats loose on campus, with paint on each that said "1," "2," and "[backwards Latin...
-
Struggling Skywriter
11His first message on the job was "Allison Will You MarrExcuse Me One Second Brad, I Just Need To Figure Out How To Fly Lower To Write The...
-
Confession at the Farmer’s...
7Locally-sourced, farm-fresh, organic skag is really hard to come by, particularly gluten-free. This farmer's market is the only one for...
-
Awkward Silence
598They briefly forgot their conversation, which was about whether an oscillating fan is best in the summer for cooling an entire room, or a...
-
Ruthless Master
15His skill is legendary. His aura is undeniable. His puns strike fear into the hearts of his students. His name is Brad and he doesn't...
-
Cermi-Cern: Erpiserds 4-7
24Cermi-Cern ersn't jerst fer th' nerrrds anymerr! Now all SERTS of BIRG HERLYWERD MERVIES are merd from cermic berks! Herr are serm...
-
Figure Drawing
15She got straight As. The other guys got straight Ds. Hey, it's art class, baby: You do the math.
-
The First Ever Recorded Girl Poop?
13He was fooled again, for the 700th time that week. The thrill of true scientific discovery, alas, would have to wait another day....
-
Don’t Leave Me Hanging
12It's an ironclad rule of bro physics, and it even applies to the written word as well. Fail to deliver a sick punchline after setting up...
-
Connections
685Statistically, guys think about sex every 12 seconds. Just not with her.
-
Brain Fart
10They've been trying for years to have a baby. Doctors can't explain it. She's literally the most fertile woman on Earth.
-
A Betting Man
10Jimmy "Bets Entirely Too Much" Pocobean was known as A Betting Man, that drunken nouveau riche billionaire in every tight-knit community...
-
Intimacy Bat
570Nothing says "I demand that you respect my needs as a woman and give me the attention, the care, and the love I deserve" quite like a bat...
-
Bath Tub Gin
596Some DIY-gin snobs say dirty friends are great for the fermenting process. But don't just take the first drink they offer you! Eventually...
-
A Family Affair
11There's a reason the yearly family reunions are held at the optical department in the Wal-Mart over on Delancey and 12th. Because the...
-
Dimo Higgins : Goblin Hunter
16Dimo's new set of ads didn't make it to public access TV like he wanted, but they did wind up getting used as preroll behind some...
-
Bullets Come Down
60It's okay, because had the bullet not come down at that time, he would have opened up the nearest dictionary, found the definition of...
-
American Folklore
14Sasquatch made his first million when he forwarded an e-mail that Bill Gates wanted him to. Then he invested in a giant cardboard check...
-
...OH
20His positive energy mostly consisted of the word oh, which the moon returned in kind by being shaped like a giant O. He achieved oneness...
-
Sherlock Holmes: The Mystery Of The...
14The ants knew they'd be melted under the persistant, focused glare of the magnifying glass, and yet they marched on, as if accepting...
-
Lovin’ Oven
5Needless to say, he got all the animation special effects in the divorce. Which left him essentially penniless.
-
Mike Swap
11Slowly but surely, Mike wound up replacing Mike in every single way. The car he drove, the girlfriend he smooched, the paychecks he...
-
Faking It
7If only she didn't know how to speak Girl. If only she didn't know "Yes! Yes! Unnnhh! Oh my god!! YES!!" meant "At least the last guy...
-
The First Tramp Stamp
6It was either this or the Chinese symbol for "Tranquility," which the tattoo artist would totally just ignore in favor of tattooing the...
-
Paul Trashes His Friends
11They tried bargaining, but it only made him sure he wanted to permanently erase the items in the trash. With no backup drive in sight,...
-
That Guy
18We all have one friend like this. Mine's an 80's prog Jabba. Yours might be a Folk Boba. And Mary-Ellen's, well, doesn't take a Nawlins...
-
Photobooth Confessional
6Her mom just wants some invisible grandchildren before she gets whisked away to Unicorn Land. Is that so wrong? To want to hold up a ball...
-
Self Control Room
5Our Stream-a-thon will be going down here: http://live.5secondfilms.com/ But not if Tim can't tamper his urges in the control room....
-
Wishful Thinking
10Just because people look like genies, doesn't give you the right to take a crap wherever you like. I made that mistake when I ran into...
-
Huge Overreaction From Dave on This...
19Seriously Dave, it's not that big a deal.
-
Art
15Great art should challenge our perception of the world and of ourselves - even, yes, challenge our perception of what art can be. It is...
-
The Fall
9It was just his luck: The Stair-Gun Killer, a notorious mass murderer whose crimes involved taping guns to stairs and hooking up...
-
My Ninja Friend
9A similar version of this went down last week, when the ninja needed a new kidney and his friend just would not give his up even though...
-
Cultural Insensitivity
14Tiny, tiny, tiny El Salvadorians wear festive sombreros, all right? Read up on their culture before you make generalizations. Also, if...
-
24k Golden Labrador
10It's all thanks to his new diet, which consists entirely of liver, chicken and prank toys from Spencer's Gifts.
-
Side Effects May Include
16Depression WAS ruining her life. Staring at her in the bathroom mirror, blocking her car in the garage at work, giving her mail from the...
-
Destructive Relationship
14Baron von Death would not accept the smallness of his dick. To him, conquering the world with impractical octo-laserbots was all the Dick...
-
The New iPatch
21Havin' trouble catchin' up on all yer favorite shows and Oscar-winning movies when ye be bravin' the high seas? Shiver yer timbers no...
-
Kelsey & Olivia’s Topless...
19Being topless can be surprisingly freeing. It opens you up to new experiences. Like, well, doing stuff off camera, for one.
-
Pizza Party
16Pizza parties let you know you're alive. They let you feel connected to your fellow pizza-purchaser. They let you know your place in the...
-
Keep Eye Contact
12Don't you just hate that? When you're trying to have a conversation with a guy, and not reveal that you're a distant relative to the...
-
Good Cop, Rocket Alligator
107It's the oldest routine in the cop book: Got a perp who won't 'fess up? First guy comes in, butters him up with perks, protection, plea...
-
The Nickelodeon Tapes: Zero Gak...
707The body of Bob Jackson, former head of content development at Nickelodeon Studios, was never recovered. The covert ops team was no...
-
The Devil Is In The Details
15Satan selfies are the worst, primarily because he won't stop re-taking them until he's totally possessed your phone with apps that show you...
-
In the Fine Print
27In this dog-make-dog-sign-contract world, you have to take what you want, no matter what their level of reading comprehension.
-
Harry’s Ex-Wives
14Sometimes, you honestly think they invented the word "Divorce" just for Harry. Of course, they didn't, but they did invent another word for...
-
Sadness³
20It makes lemonade saltier, yet it makes Diet Coke Salt with Lime taste sweeter. Possibly because Diet Coke Salt with Lime is 90% salt.
-
Vitamin C You Later
748This was in the original draft of M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening," but was changed in the revisions because the trees weren't supposed...
-
Door-To-Door Door Salesman
1009 times outta 10, the customer says no. It's a tough racket, being a salesman. But what keeps people coming back to this job is that 1 time...
-
Manbortion
11You ever passed a kidney stone, son? (Hunkers down, pours six grams of Bushmills in an iced tumbler, lights a Cohiba and exhales) No, I...
-
Brian’s Latest App Idea
14Ever since I saw someone become a millionaire just for selling an app that tells you to "Stop Buying Apps, Stupid" every time you enter the...
-
Breaking Into Hollywood
10Incidentally, Rousselet's screenplay was called "Breaking Into Hollywood," which was about a hardscrabble screenwriter named Michael...
-
Hoverbums
13Ever since Bloomberg demanded all vagabonds get ultra-powerful hover technology installed in their bodies (and on the taxpayer's dime, no...
-
Becky’s Bad Day
12It is the question that burns deep in the heart of every man, woman and child who suffer quiet indignities and weather harsh times: Who,...
-
The Day After Mother’s Day
15Take some time out each year to recognize the sacrifice your mom gave in bringing you into this world. Like finding the right doctor, since...
-
Mother’s Day
23Mother's Day is Sunday. Call your mom. Mother's Day is Sunday. Call your mom. Mother's Day is Sunday. Call your mom. Mother's Day is...
-
Practical Effects
37The body fell into a pile of unused greenscreen and was proclaimed missing at the scene. The perfect murder...until someone noticed that...
-
Smooth Operator
16Darnell Quick is a man of many talents. By "many" I mean two, one of which is being able to rotate his own tires and the other is picking...
-
House Full of Love
11Roommates? No. No, he definitely never had any roommates. And they certainly never took up an entire rack on the fridge with their pizza...
-
Terror on Fork Island
13Their ship ran aground on the jagged reef of Bowtie Pasta Bay, a hellish oasis once thought to be a myth, meant to keep children in line....
-
The Death of Cinco de Mayo
29And lo, did the tale of Jon and Brian, two massively unstable drinking partners unbound by time and unshaken by death, come to a bitter,...
-
Urine Trouble
7Last week he put molasses on the windshield of his roommate's car, and diarrhea in the wiper fluid tank, but wound up just shitting all over...
-
Crambox
8Albert's crambox was home to many a blue feeling, sad thought and bummer memory. One could argue that a box can't hold words in speech form,...
-
Stoned Alone
23Everyone's favorite mischievous prankster, Kevin McCallister, never left the booby-trapping game behind even as he grew into a shallow,...
-
Research
15He pulled an all-nighter last night, hopscotching between Inventory articles on The AV Club, Cracked lists about the most badass dictators...
-
Try Anything
11First, the dancing Coke can with sunglasses failed miserably. Then, the little skeleton doll on the podium thingy that falls apart when...
-
Free Lunch
15What Kelsey fails to realize is that eating a hobo with a green jacket does not mean you're keeping true to the Green Diet plan. Or maybe...
-
Fully Baked
15It's a blistering 98 degrees inside your mouth. But you'd never know that based on how much of a wuss your tongue is. Like seriously,...
-
Paparazzi Proof
23Photos of her getting a froyo or walking with Cam Gigandet to Runyon Canyon for a workout double-date with their agents fetch a price of...
-
Roofies
741Once his head hit the floor, she slammed her drink on the back of his skull like she was spiking a football after a touchdown. "Boom," she...
-
History of 4/20
11The history of 4/20 is a vast, complicated and storied one, chock-full of incredible stories that are all exactly like this and nothing else...
-
Doug VS. Godzilla
10They quickly became best friends and started exchanging a ton of records, crushing entire city blocks with each clomp to the vintage record...
-
LOCKED OUT
620In another hilarious reversal of expectations, Doug Benson also tends to eat his pants and pour cereal on his legs to cover his genitalia....
-
The Zookeeper’s Worst Day...
15The monkeys learned to talk that day, which was . They all said "Your marriage is crumbling. See a therapist together. Give her some...
-
The Hand That Spins The Vinyl
20Lots of people think that when the devil lies to you, it involves a supremely ironic spin on the truth - like promising you'll become...
-
Sassy Lassies
17Snarky euphemisms for each other's vaginas abound, continuing well into the morning light, until soon they're remarking upon each other's...
-
Mr. Silly’s New Hire
14To get in character for playing a puppet being puppeteered by a puppet, Mr. Silly watched "Adaptation" a bunch and drank absinthe. I concede...
-
Puppet Couple Trouble
23HE HAS HIS FATHER'S EYES DO YOU SEE, GENTLE VIEWERS DO YOU SEE
-
No One Suspects
13Look kids, most of the puppets you've come to love on your local TV programs have butt-banged a few magic fish in their day, and this is...
-
The Lip Reader
654Bobby "Blabbermouth" Feltoni knew there were spies in his midst. He couldn't trust the cops he paid off, couldn't trust his men, couldn't...
-
On The Bright Side
14Just when you thought Haiku Week was done...it was. Because here's Puppet Week! "A Puppet Notifying Us Of When Things Are Haikus" Week....
-
Truth Or Dare
16Daredevils never ask for a Truth, not because they're adept at kissing dudes while ramping over canyons, but because inevitably the Truth...
-
Elephant in the Room
67The elephant in the room is an elephant. The "elephant in the room" is how the hell did an elephant get in the room. Either way, nobody talk...
-
Grandest Theft Auto
683Most of us just sleepwalk through our lives, trudging in and out of the same old office, eating the same old food and pacifying our inner...
-
Reds
11Later, as his brutal sunburn matures into a shining golden tan, he will slither back into the shadows of anonymity - once more becoming a...
-
The History of April Fool’s...
684Jon asks a question and gets one hell of an answer. Prepare yourself for the wildest explanation of history yet. Source: "April Fools' Day:...
-
New York City Apartment
12The typical joke about New York apartments is that they're really reallysmall and the rent is exorbitantly high. Here, however, you'll see...
-
5sf Joke Pitch #237
8Rocket chairs used to come standard with any comedy writer's room, until the company making them got blamed for the Great Hack Massacre of...
-
Double Date With The Devil
30 -
How People Would Really Use Time...
21Using time travel to inform your past self of where you left your car keys, or how bad the milk was, or that a guy peddling celebrity home...
-
Jam Party
19You keep thinking your friend can change. That he can learn to love you, and love the idea of a party based entirely on spreading jam of...
-
Eco-Friendly
15We waste so much water by flushing inside. Why not flush outside and help grow your trees and plants while fertilizing them at the same...
-
Suggestion Box
16The top suggestion last month was "Take Worley's Suggestions Seriously, Much to His Detriment," right after "Get a New Toaster Oven For the...
-
A Harsh Strain
12Model homegrown weed, on the other hand, offers a smooth sterile buzz, but you won't grow up to be traumatized and make great art because of...
-
Dance Lessons With: New Politics
9Rousselet should have seen this one coming. His salsa instructor was a bottle of Pace Picante.
-
The Popular Girl’s Graduation...
10Becky Sanders went on to prove them all wrong. She not only raised her baby, she got a job at a Fortune 500 company, worked her ass off for...
-
Death at a Rodeo
36Scrimp Bramble, the town asshole, was scared to die but even more scared to be called a fake cowboy, and boy did the crowd love every shriek...
-
Late Night Rendezvous
37Yes. Yes, boys. He came. He came into her fort. Her fort. That's what he did. He came into her fort. And they played fort games. And then he...
-
What Happened To You?
20In high school, while still a boy, he was voted Most Likely To Identify As A Woman Yet Totally Still Be Into Boobs, so the fact that this...
-
Flex To Impress
20Flexing is a rite of passage amongst young, hyper-jacked buffbros. But what happens when the babe flexes back? Few buffbros are able to deal...
-
Butt Play
24A command performance at Carnegie Hall took place one week later. Four people died.
-
Home Brew
20The beers don't wear condoms and God knows what goes on in those mini-fridges. It's truly inadvisable to sleep with them, or even rub them...
-
Art Lover
103Throughout time, billionaires the world over have killed starving artists in the name of keeping things unnecessarily expensive. Today...
-
Danglers
10The other boogies never quite recovered from that harrowing incident, watching their fellow boogies fall to their horrifying death. Years...
-
Checkpoint
11In the interests of fairness, he selects cars with men in them too - but he's not as lenient with dudes who wind up blowing over a .15. Then...
-
All Pope is Lost
26Actually, you'd be surprised how few letters to God get opened or passed onward by the Pope. It's mostly a whole office floor of interns...
-
Life Choices
12Hey Whatta Horse Yes This Is My Name For My Race Horse I'm Rich So Fuck You started out life as a powerful, preternaturally talented race...
-
Friends Who Understand
20Through thick and thin, gay and straight-but-gay, your friends are always there to not cry on your shoulder or give a shit about anything...
-
Dead in Bed
31Role play is mostly limited to "Catholic schoolgirl and zombie teacher" or "meter maid and upset zombie driver" or "zombie plumber and girl...
-
Break-Up Gift
18Dogs love peanut butter, you love your ex-girlfriend, and your ex-girlfriend loves your dog. It's all a big circle of unrequited love,...
-
In Memoriam
14The Kid's Choice Awards are always rife with political maneuvering, it even extends to who gets more applause in the Death Montage. Only the...
-
Les Meowsérables
58I've made peace with the team over Oscar Week, or Pawsc-Bark Wagk, or whatever they wanted to call it. Personally, I think there's virtue in...
-
Life of Paw
28So, um, apparently "Pawsc-Bark Week" isn't good enough, and now the producers want it to be "Pawsc-Bark Wagk"? This is bullshit! All of...
-
Ringo Unleashed
22So now I'm being told that the title "Paw"-scar Week is not testing well? And they're changing it to "Pawsc-Bark" Week? That doesn't make...
-
Air Bud: Zero Bark Thirty
25Oscar Week continues, only now it's "Paw"-scar Week! Wait, weren't there two dog-themed 5sfs in a row? No? I'm clearly imagining things...
-
The Master
100Oscar Week begins with this hilarious, heartwarming treat for the whole family - a harrowing look into the battle of two very different men,...
-
Problem Child
11What's worse, Joe paid for his son's pilot lessons, helped pay off his loan to get the plane, and even stitched together the flight cap and...
-
Scarface’s Secret
10In this country, you gotta get the flowers first. Then when you get the flowers, you get the chocolates. Then when you get the chocolates,...
-
Compensating
17Confidence is like a big-cocked shopping cart in a sea of tiny-dicked Audis. In fact, you should just say screw it to your brand new Audi...
-
Midget Break-In
16Their big score was yet to come: Another house, just up the hill, foolishly stacked their gold bars on the bottom shelves of their...
-
Chinese New Year
67Haha! Racist joke about writing checks! HahhahahaChina will bury us all.
-
Sunday Morning Strut
118Neither of them died. Death is a construct, waiting to be escaped. However, they both got old and feeble, living eternally at the age of...
-
West People Problems
82Everyone living in New York died.
-
Streak Free Shine
24The homeless person froze to death that night.
-
Paul Vs. Banana
25Paul died.
-
A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.
17Al Jones didn't know he loved taking things other people said and turning them into acronyms. Not until he met his new best friend,...
-
Police Line
67Warning: Boobsticks is still at large and considered extremely dangerous. If you have encountered Boobsticks, and you didn't have a machete...
-
Powered By Dreams
24Back when California had those "rolling blackouts" to conserve power, Hollywood still glowed nice and bright, like a beacon of despair...
-
Chad Ridderson’s First Day at...
103Chad went on to overcome his deep sentimental attachment to those halcyon days of bodyshots, drunken stand-up paddleboard races and...
-
Studies Show
259/10 is considered "The Golden Ratio" amongst the scientist-recommendation community. But every now and then, there is a tenth scientist who...
-
Power Lunch
95Side effects to being this mega-shredded are as follows: Increased chance of heart failure, rage-cagin' city-wide rampages, and an inability...
-
Slayer
65Can you change a lesbian? Should you change a lesbian? Isn't it completely none of your business whether you can or can't change a person...
-
Comfy Couch
56You didn't "lose" your car keys in there for four hours. They were borrowed by your alternate universe friends to help move some a new bed...
-
Another Day at the Office
17Fellow employees describe him as "cheerful," "easy to get along with," "attentive and focused," "comes in late on Mondays," and "eats shit."...
-
Montezuma’s Revenge
714Kelsey's not wrong - after all, "Montezuma" is Nahuatl for "Master Cleanse." Not many people know that, primarily because I made it up....
-
Ol’ Rail Riding Rodney
14On account 'a being a skeleton since the days of President James Madison, Ol' Rodney's seen some things you people wouldn't darn near...
-
Making The Paper
97Ever since all the nice girls started blogging and tweeting, it seems like only the mean nasty girls are left in print media. Good thing...
-
Fortune Teller
13Always make sure to ask your Fortune Teller for precise clarification as to who, or what exactly, your wife may be seeing. If it's a turnip,...
-
Winning Ticket
18The winnings totaled somewhere around $300,000,000. It wasn't enough to beat his boss' legal team when they successfully argued that placing...
-
Study Party
23He had a killer final the next day. Using his knowledge of physics, he absolutely nailed the beer pong section, but Professor Brodacious...
-
The Ultimate Wingman
88He's since improved from his old wingmanning days, but get a few drinks in him and he'll still wind up telling people all about what a...
-
Joey Stromboli’s
91This is the second time his money laundering front has gone under before it even started. First time, it was a "Fluff-n-food"...
-
What’s My Name?
796Winners of the "What's My Name?" game receive a year's supply of rejection, dinner for one at the Couples In Love Spa/Resort, and a round...
-
Hand In Hand
16They've never really completed a high-five. Not at a baseball game, not at an international high-five competition (they lost), not even at...
-
Rock Around The Alarm Clock Rock
17Sometimes he sets his drummer for 7:30 PM by accident, and the whole neighborhood basically gets to hear "Moby Dick" for 4 hours until he...
-
Mr. Silly’s Song Time
97Mr. Silly is a puppet of few words, though his song collection is vast, eclectic, and betrays the sensitive soul within. Thousands upon...
-
Old Cops Discover The Internet
169Delighted by hilarious, extremely current memes, or "may-mays," as they referred to them, these two beat cops found their life's work...
-
Meatball Sub
73If only Rousselet took care to note that he was walking into a Subway "Punnel" as opposed to an "Abortion Clinic," which is where he...
-
Sex Toys
54Even better, there's no on or off switch directly on the toy! Hours of fun for whoever's holding the remote, and no one else ever!!
-
Police Line
1 -
Ladies’ Resolution
21Why does food only talk to women? Simple: Men's Y chromosomes prevent them from hearing and seeing the true evil that lives within the...
-
The Final Countdown
14Ever since he resolved not to drink his life away many years ago, Crendell Brothman proceeded to do exactly the opposite and get blitzed...
-
Post-Interaction Smile Reduction...
5787The highly scientific PISRQ (often referred to as "Piss Rock" for short) can analyze the fall of the mouth corners as a person turns away...
-
The Slip
122He doesn't even do anything down there. Just marvels at his ability to make it this far through the powerful security, sends out a tweet...
-
Forgettingtown
96It all started on a night where it might have been raining and dark and such, when a sexy, smoldering woman (maybe a smoldering man? Will...
-
The Most Magical of Days
22Rum in the egg nog. Peppermint schnapps in the cocoa. Mulled wine. Cider. However you shut the fuck up this holiday season, do it with...
-
How Santa Gets Into Every House On...
10With every limb snapping, stretching and groaning to hundreds of feet long, flesh elongating and twisting around rooftop antennas, and...
-
What Do You Want For Christmas?
6You'd be surprised by how often Santa gets asked to help terminate a failed marriage. Let's just say he goes through a box of pantyhose and...
-
Polar Express
57Just like Robert Zemeckis' delightful family film, you can watch this "Polar Express" in 3D as well. All of the marital strife, quiet...
-
Atheist Uncle
15For years, his daily checklist consisted of screencapping religious facebook posts that he's trolled, and posting them online. It wasn't...
-
Santa Snacks
96In a fit of marijuana-induced mania, Santa also mocked up the newspapers announcing his spectacular failure at distributing presents, and...
-
Santa Gives Up
9Santa knows you like that one thing at the other place, whatever it was. Go nuts. Just don't spend it all in one place, ho ho ho! The joke...
-
XXXmas Cookies
30Should XXXmas Cookies spring to life, then impishly run away daring you to catch them, fear not: Their big floppy gingerbread tits and dicks...
-
Santa is Coming to Town
7Plug in your lawn decorations, heat up your apple cider, and call your lawyer. Because Christmas is coming, and you're wanted for killing a...
-
Pauly P. Takes Care Of His Ma
701The strength of family togetherness can endure most anything, including but not limited to: Hair gels that add great sheen but provide no...
-
Pranksters
83Costco sells huge, jumbo-sized packs of conical Lakota tribe tents for like 15 bucks. Merely useful household items to most, but instruments...
-
Neighborhood Watch
11Esther-Anne Pembrook and Dr. Stormelius Thrombone made an average of 9,345 calls to the local police department per year. It all started...
-
Pizza
681Domino's has this special 2-for-1 deal where you eat the second pizza your girlfriend was supposed to have, because you just got broken up...
-
The 1st Annual Empty Chair Spelling...
557If your child has a really, really hard time spelling "supple," count your blessings. Or your child may just be stupid, in which case you...
-
Cockpit
652The black box they recovered from the wreckage was immediately seized by the government, and caused such a fit of inappropriate laughter in...
-
Drinking Etiquette
15Follow these simple etiquette tips and you're sure to make a splash at your next dinner party. Kind of like how you splashed your lips all...
-
An Uncomfortable Situation
19Genital Switching sounds fun at first, but the operation is irreversible. Ladies, trust us, your yoga pants won't fit anymore. And guys,...
-
The Last Prank Call Ever
14She was the last person not to own a cell (or a phone with caller ID) and he was the last person to think calling someone he doesn't know,...
-
So What Do You Do…?
66Can she still call this a blind date if he's plastered hundreds of images of her all over every available surface in his apartment? Or will...
-
Death Switch Catastrophe
14Warning: The 5-Second Film you are about to see or have already seen contains extreme gore, scenes of cannibalism, self-mutilation and young...
-
The Last Dinosaur
105"Time Enough At Last...To Wank" was the weirdest episode of Kidz' Twilight Zone that Nick Jr. ever aired, and really made things awkward for...
-
The Game Of Love
26These ported Japanese dating sims are oddly accurate about the central Los Angeles dating scene, even if they don't fully grasp the English...
-
Cyber Monday
12After Cyber Monday comes Age/Sex/Location Tuesday, followed swiftly by Court-Mandated Restraining Order Wednesday, and finally Thirsty...
-
New Restaurant, Old Couple
53They base their whole schedule around when new, oddly named restaurants are opening, and when they're busy screwing each other's friends and...
-
The First Thanksgiving
13Thanksjesus is keen to point out white devils of all shapes and sizes, as well as Dust Devils, dirt devils, and deviled eggs. If you ever...
-
People Saying Important Things Into...
17Saying important things sucks and drinking wine kicks ass. The solution, ladies and gentlemen, is obvimhmmmrbbbllbllbrmmblr.
-
Old-Fashioned Stalker
10He even takes time to cut individual letters out of magazines to spell things like "I WILL STRING YOUR LONG INTESTINE AROUND YOUR MAILBOX."...
-
Manscaping
15Putting the flamingo on the left is a good idea, as the right side is already taken up by a patch of gardenias, a garden gnome, two wrinkly...
-
Meanwhile In Colorado…
108See, the problem here is that Prop 472B passed as well, which states that aggro Colorado cops, denied the chance to bust in some stoner...
-
Nocturnal Emissions
51Curiously enough, it was just a dream about dumping a bunch of Fritos into a salad bowl and drizzling maple syrup over it. Sure, there were...
-
Never Gonna Drink Again
138He's a great party wingman until your liquor starts to taste like water. Then he becomes something else entirely.
-
Tramp Stamp
123Her friends tried to stop her from getting more, but it was too late: She was addicted. The next day, she breezed into a sketchy ink parlor...
-
Banishment
18The town of Equalrightstria loves a good banishing at dawn, and the town crier is always present to cup an ear towards the fields, just to...
-
Viral Video
50"Dying Kid" eventually hit #1 on iTunes for 12 solid weeks, even though it was just a dialysis machine beep set to a David Guetta beat. He...
-
The Oversharer
114He's been kicked out of numerous coffee shops, bars and restaurants, yet he keeps coming back to stream 40gb of porn at any given minute on...
-
Say Anything Louder
9Peter Gabriel has a pretty obscure B-Side called "Attention Mother: Your Daughter is Upstairs Making Out With My Mortal Enemy, The Jock"...
-
New Voting Method
10There was a lot of controversy in the media that this new method was prejudiced against non-buff minorities and elderly folk, but screw it,...
-
The Dangers of Makin’ Bacon
13The Dangers of Makin' Fakin' Bacon usually entail two drunk girls making out, but we didn't really have the budget for that one.
-
What Were You…
116Frankie and Cinnamon would see each other three more times during the course of Frankie's annual Vegas trips with his golfing buddies. By...
-
A Real Found Footage Horror Movie
65Ah, but putting down the camera precludes you from spawning a $600 million blockbuster horror franchise, with a new installment every...
-
The Early Bird Killer
10Ever since he switched to decaf, cut out heavy food after 6 PM, and started using piano wire to slice his victims' throats, he's really...
-
The Dorian Gray Diet
10Satanic magical Faustian-bargain horrifying twist-ending diet fads never work. Just eat less, move more and supplement with the occasional...
-
Say His Name Three Times
18The more people who believe in his terrifying legend, the more amped he gets. Or it could just be all the sugary candy he steals from your...
-
Siri-ous Help
712Apple Maps does a great, great, GREAT job of finding long-lost and even deceased dads. To the point that Apple CEO Tim Cook, when presented...
-
Bentley the Break Room Robot
25He's programmed to boost company morale (and store all of the server room's metadata), but instead he's boosting all the good snacks and...
-
Opposite Day
20They later suffered massive head trauma when they rode bikes backwards on the 10 West Interstate heading East, pedaling with their hands and...
-
Happy Ending
17Somedays she really phones it in at the end, and just starts picking random points in "Love Actually" to describe - forgetting, as always,...
-
Time Travel Phone
751Seeing as how each phone call sets you back $15,000, Mark has reason to be angry with his past self. Sadly, the anger creates a cycle of...
-
Revenge on the Pigeons
682Three days later, the pigeons hobbled across the lawn to their beat-up 1995 Toyota Celica. It had a log of human feces right on top of the...
-
Captain’s Order
9The crew figured something was up when Glass Eye Pete sneezed too hard, shooting his glass eye into the ocean, causing the captain to leap...
-
One Night Stand
16A Low-Five is reserved only in the most dire of circumstances. But there's hope; at least she didn't yank it away from her friend at the...
-
Paul Ryan’s Workout Plan For...
94Did you see how hard Paulie's been blasting his pectorals? Check the striations on those pumped-up calves! Bro's fitness plans for the...
-
Red Bull’s Stratos Test Jump...
12For a while there during the early stages, Red Bull had confused "Fund NASA in order to successfully complete a huge jump" with "Silly...
-
Kelsey’s Big Hollywood Break
15If all these Kelseys teamed up, they could form some sort of Voltron-Kelsey with each girl operating a different limb, and thus contribute...
-
Lugnuts
7He was so excited about acquiring this new authority figure in his life, he even got his work to put on a "Take Our Dads to Work Day," which...
-
Roughing It
13You can delete your history, but you might wind up burning the whole forest down.
-
Germaphobe’s Dilemma
17Anti-venom actually forms a chemical compound with dirt to create Mountain Dew Baja Blast, which they can enjoy after he sucks the venom...
-
Great Discoveries in Comedy History...
91P.E. would never be the same again. It was a shift so seismic in the comedy world, that it wouldn't be matched until days later, when the...
-
Kid In The Road
17There's a whole section in the traffic code devoted to this exact problem: If there's a kid in the road, and you don't joke about it, and...
-
The Confidence Fairy
10Confidence fairies tend to speak in dirty, dirty shorthand. They also dispense with the usual devil horns or halos, claiming they "don't...
-
Do it for Johnny
650Revenge quests: Best not embarked upon when you suffer from short-term memory loss.
-
Small Talk
11Big People Abortions, Big People Economy, Big People K-Stew and R-Patz...it can be exhausting to hear this guy talk about important matters...
-
Pooper
96Triple-ply max comfort aloe vera toilet paper has been invented. But 30 years from now, it will have been outlawed. It will be used only by...
-
Emergency Exit
25The fire department calls this building "The Sarlac Pit." The students of Brimbleton Community College call it West Hamley Hall.
-
The New Neighbor’s Sound...
52He usually cries out "Can you hear me nowwwwwwww" when he finishes, but the jury's out as to whether he's just being considerate of his...
-
Prescribing a Friend
15The URL "Sup-paws-itories.com" is still available, in case anyone wants to capitalize on the hot new...
-
Missing Costume
15Tired of all the jokes, Sasquatch recently took a photography class at the community college level. He couldn't make it past the...
-
Cold Blooded
642If you try and "backseat drive" when he's behind the wheel, forensics scientists will only be able to identify you from your teeth...
-
Hope, Time & Broccoli
27It was around the time he received the suicide note from the carrot that he knew things had to change. Get busy growin', or get busy fryin',...
-
Great Discoveries In Comedy History...
12Then they discussed whether cranking someone's ear with a wrench would produce a ratcheting sound effect. One trip to the ER later, they...
-
The Sanctity of Marriage
78"They want to take our rights away? Well we want to 'splode their heads!" Went one of the less-successful pro-gay rights protest chants.
-
July 16th, 1945
17History is written by the winners, motherfucker! Booyah! Suck on that, losers who lost at history!
-
A Forbidden Fruit Of The Sea
21They're a delicacy in Botswana. But spend five minutes in Botswana and you'll see why that goes without saying. Fuckin' Botswana.
-
Zanderflex: Bottoms Up
14In his quieter moments, Elliot Zanderflex has always revealed his shortcomings to women, in the hopes that they'll recognize his...
-
Stay Out of Bad Pun Neighborhood
52For a while, their territory was marked by a picture of a sad-looking key making a pouty face. When no one seemed to understand that "Key...
-
Sadurday Night
9Computers make great life companions. They're interested in all the things you are, they never judge your porn habits, and best of all, they...
-
College Bro Sleepover
9Luckily, Being Gay Now 101 was an elective that covered their Diversity requirement as well as a couple of Social Issues credits, so that...
-
Tiebreaker
9They tried to get him fired once by telling him he was looking at a slo-motion replay when really he was staring at a repeat of "Frasier."...
-
Family Double Dare
93Not only did he wind up destroying the Physical Challenge, he even won a pair of L.A. Lights and "A trip to Space Camp" - which is code for...
-
Straight Shooters
11The bought-and-paid-for straight-loving media, naturally, took this little hunting accident and spun it into a massive witchhunt. Once...
-
The Married Man And The Garbage...
12Actually, the "garbage disposal flush" holds up in some divorce courts, but only if the television audience whoops and hollers loudly enough...
-
Going Postal
55Their battle raged on over the years, no matter how many times the mailman requested to be moved to a different neighborhood beat or the...
-
He Loves Me
18If you cheat at this game, karma will make your next boyfriend cheat on you. With a cute florist girl.
-
The Crew
12They were all arrested and sentenced to 35 hours community service, all of which was conveniently spent on replacing their car roof.
-
Where Do You See Us in Five Years?
14Short of "I think we really need to get a dog" or "The housing market is looking better," this is practically the most dangerous phrase...
-
Pimps Up, Hoes Down
15Female customers just pay better than male customers these days. What's the point in avoiding better business just because--oh, who are we...
-
Special Recipe
106The pony is an essential spice to the Dreams Batter. Without it, the Childhood Souffle just falls flat.
-
Goodnight Moon
74RIP Neil Armstrong.
-
Mouthful
15The mid-meal check is always a moment fraught with tension for any waitress. This is why.
-
The Trouble With Platonic...
23Don't let platonic female friends be your wingman. They'll just get confused.
-
Red Rover, Red Rover
88Everyone quickly agreed naked Twister would be a better choice.
-
The Heat Makes Him Crazy
11Conversely, the cold makes him a brilliant criminal lawyer. What will happen when he is forced to prosecute himself in a court with a...
-
The Pool Boy
23Sometimes, the future's so bright you gotta wear shades. Other times, the future is so dark and empty and devoid of sweet boobies that you...
-
The Spaniard’s Picnic
50This is the consolation prize for the US women's Olympics volleyball team. If you get beaten by Brazil, you are forced to spend an...
-
The Charmed Life of Daniel Yolo
22Sensing his popularity waning within days, Daniel tried transferring to an all-idiots school in the neighboring city, but failed to gain...
-
Confused Dick
124In traditional noir narratives, the Femme Fatale often leads the Detective down a dark, seedy path, from which the only escape is opening...
-
CSI: CHICO
127It appears this semen...(sprays semen all over face)...is I have semen on my face. Yeeah.
-
Kelsey’s Diet
26Sometimes the liquid diet truly is the best option, by which I mean drown yourself in a pool or ocean full of liquid because you're too fat...
-
Anti-Joke
25"What's so different about 'Anti-Joke'? 5sf has been anti-funny for almost four years now!" You might say. But you'd also be anti-funny and...
-
The Dark Side Of Glitter
17They make the butterflies work naked too, just so they can't smuggle any glitter with them back to their rainbow hives on Lisa Frank...
-
Olympic Coverage
13Teen pop stars and bored NBA attendees have been training all their lives for this moment: The chance to be on camera eating a hot dog while...
-
What’s For Dinner?
14Pro tip: Getting out of the oven and securing your freedom is a lot easier if you look delicious with a glass of red and a side of grilled...
-
The Alligator Roll
11It's the dance craze that's sweeping the nation, in short, stubby little motions, usually emerging from a swamp to do so.
-
Like A Brother
111Q: How many butthurt friendzoned forumwhiners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. 4 to masturbate in each corner and 1 to do it...
-
Discontinued Olympic Sports: Wife...
13It's just like America, to pretend to be all into Wife Tossing only to look knowledgable around the water cooler. Then, when we inevitably...
-
Family Picnic
109Sometimes you just get a few items on your to-do list mixed up. And you happen to be holding the bread knife while you're doing it. It's...
-
The Merry Bachelor
11Leading scientists had just determined that kissing a man releases endorphins in your bloodstream which make you happy, or rather, "gay" as...
-
Great Meal
119It's uncontrollable. It's insatiable. And it really does feel way way better, you should try it sometime. (Note: Do not try it sometime.)
-
Slow Poke
12"Last Minute Week" comes to a close with this sad look into a debilitating condition, made all the more humiliating when your friends insist...
-
Depressed Balloon Artist
661In this changing economy, people aren't looking for skilled balloonists anymore. They're not even looking for skilled Rubik's Cube...
-
Knife Club
17We meet on Wednesdays to find out about hot new knives everyone's talking about, do a little catching up, and of course have a bit of wine....
-
PB & AA
19Their squabbles last long into the night, so loud and constant that the neighbors took to recording them all, and preserving them in an...
-
Zombie Olympics
12This could definitely hurt his chances at securing a Wheaties endorsement deal. And by "hurt," I mean "increase ten-fold." (Twitter prompt...
-
B.U.I.W.D.A.A.C.s
722They both thought they were the only one out there, patrolling the night with a bottle of Maker's, hiding behind a uniform they didn't earn....
-
Training For Olympics
13The Suspended Iron Cross and Comedic Signpost Writing category was not present at the 2008 games, mostly because all of the contestants...
-
Silent Treatment
12In any relationship, communication is key. Giant ropes leading up to imaginary cloud lands are surprisingly also key, which is why most...
-
The Family Man
14She has all the usual street corners plugged into her GPS, and even a few of the girls' numbers in her emergency contacts list whenever he...
-
5SF Rises
130A fire will rise. So will IMAX ticket prices.
-
Double Mustache
15The ladies go crazy for one 'stache. But if you hit 'em with the ultra-rare double-fuzz multi-lip-ticklin' combo 'stache attack, it's...
-
Non-Alcoholic Beer
24Nothing gets the blood pumping into Rage Mode quite like the smooth crisp taste of non-alcoholic beer. Or, for that matter, beer. Beer...
-
Spy Cam
11Thankfully, the Russian Premier was fairly shortsighted, and the live violin music at the gala was probably loud enough to cover up the...
-
Paul’s Baby Video
24Don't answer the phone. Don't look at the TV. And whatever you do, for God's sake, do not make copies of it and show it to other people....
-
Made Out Like Bandits
21Then they got caught, and had to make out like prisoners. It was only an hour later when one of them got the bright idea to make out like...
-
Water
16Desert Words With Friends is bullshit, because you can just secretly consult drinkeverytime.com and you stay alive unfairly.
-
Best. Day. Ever.
8After a long day (or even month) of bad press and relationship woes, there's truly nothing like a thetan-clearing rubdown from your local...
-
Historically Correct BBQ
33The party inevitably took a turn for the worse just a few minutes ago, when one of the British guests looked at an assortment of food and...
-
The Devil’s Comfort
24Thousands of years of unanswered rejection can make a man pretty insufferable to be around. You might even say he's the Prince of...
-
Pubert, the Orphan Boy with the...
25Things got hard for Pubert ever since his parents met their fiery fate in a snake petting zoo. Girls wouldn't talk to him, for example. The...
-
5sf’s VidCon Panel
11Special thanks to the organizers, YouTubers, volunteers, and of course, all the fans for hating the living hell out of us! We love you...
-
The Ultimate Cheat
12Epic poems, Mesopotamian myths, and tales as old as time all have one thing in common: great warriors and their search for the truth of the...
-
That Time of The Month
106Ever since the company switched their target demo to "Stupid men who couldn't possibly understand what we go through every month," sales...
-
Mirror Scare
22Putting up a Craigslist ad for an "adventuresome third" is just a waste of time when there are thousands of them. Better to just wander...
-
Rich Man, Poor Man
11Well, that's the last time Michel Rousselette III buys a golden trash bin portal off of SkyMall. What's the point if all you're going to...
-
Throwing It Out There
10Nobody likes a long-winded, regretful tirade about an ex-wife, not even inanimate objects. Watch how mere physics can cut a philosophical...
-
Etiquette Class
111However, it is customary to take the 30 milligrams of 2C-B from the dealer on your left (and ONLY your left), so on that front he did quite...
-
An American In London
86At last, a Tea Party for people who actually drink tea.
-
Prank Call
726Scouts would always come calling, in the rare, impossible off-chance that he'd lace up once more. They knew, even if he came back, that...
-
Isolation Hills
702Offers twice the seclusion of Away-From-It-All Falls, and even more of that eerie feeling that you may be alone in the universe than Forest...
-
Brain Transplant
122To be fair, a girl being bad at giving handjobs is like a man being bad at pairing off a cute skirt with chunky shoes. If you're actually...
-
Dad Therapy
111Some therapists' schedules are just too full to have individual sessions with the kids and the dads. For those people, there's another...
-
Dealing With The Devil
21When the devil asks you to name your price, think long and hard. Don't you have enough friends in your social circle? Do you really need...
-
Echo (Echo)
13He didn't mean to say he loved you, it just came out that way. (Sure it did.) No, really, he's pretty beaten-up about it and wants to just...
-
Amnesiac Bridge Troll
19The real bitch of it is, you have to give each of those three questions a different answer, and if he doesn't believe you on all of them,...
-
Mini Anniversary
20Luckily you can't go to jail for vehicular manslaughter when you're not in the car, so one trip to the undertaker and a coat of Turtle Wax...
-
Useless Fact Cowboy: Kitchen...
18He was falling on hard times. He even started resorting to useful facts, like how many calories are in a bucket of chicken wings, or how a...
-
Game of Death
11He also would've settled for a round of Twister, seeing as how either game allows his sickly touch of death to course through your body and...
-
Edward 40 Hands
18The haunting, goth-lite romantic tale of a girl who felt like an outcast in her own world, and a bro who took the whole "frat game"...
-
Family Heirloom
77These are the time-honored memories any parent treasures. The sharing of stories. The passing on of loved objects. The 50cc injections of...
-
Seventh Inning Stretch
19Calling this one "Color Cummentary" would have been a bit too inside-baseball, we decided. Then we pondered what kind of dirty puns we could...
-
A 5sf Challenge
21And what's worse, they even air-mailed DVDs to our grieving families, with hi-def footage of us unknowingly masturbating in front of our...
-
Grouplove at the Gorge
14Rouss had a chance to at least get one more question out of the guitarist before he hit the ground, like "What would your last words be if...
-
Hitting The Books
82He loses the big fight against Infinite Jest (spoilers!) but in the end, his big heart still inspired the nation by going the distance: All...
-
New Style
11Seriously, Jon. The pirate look is so last--(goes to wikipedia, searches "When Was Pirates?" returns no results, wait oh shit, am I writing...
-
Something on the Wing
35This is what happens when you stow them away in the same dingy cage area as all the other traveling pets. Although to be fair, it's also...
-
P.A. Interview
12"5sf's Rock Talk" was abruptly cancelled after network execs deemed the content to be too hip and edgy. They then hired a new group of hip,...
-
My Roommate Quit The Band
108It went on like this for measures and measures, until one day, something about Paul's snotty, bossy pre-chorus just made Alec snap and get...
-
Formal Wear
16He was a man of impeccable tastes: bikini babe t-shirts, tuxedo print shirts, cardboard cutouts of James Dean, autographed pictures of...
-
Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant...
16Michael Bay's text read: MICHAEL! IT'S YOU FROM THE FUTURE! DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE STILL THE SHIT. ANYWAY, JUST TEXTING TO LET YOU KNOW - DO...
-
Grammar Bitch
65He failed the grammar test, but was allowed to retake the class next semester. "Next semester" being a few hours from now, when she's drunk...
-
Paul was in the CIA: Ghost Protocol
738By the time the air raid sirens reverberated through the unsuspecting suburbs, it was already too late. Experiment #54-AMPM, codename "Too...
-
5SF Sells Out
30Joining the viral marketing power of Bramcorp with the hip, edgy sensibility of online content provider 5secondfilms.com, we're able to...
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Power Wingman
95A good P.W. never oversteps his boundaries and takes away the girl you're going after. Trust me though, he could easily, easily do it. Yes,...
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Desperation Isle
28I guess you could say he was suffering from blue...[animorphs into a volleyball]...balls.
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Belated Mother’s Day
23It's a trick that works surprisingly often. But getting the melons past grocery store security is often the hardest part, particularly if...
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What Really Happens When You Die
26Life is but a quarter, plunked into the coin slot of fate. We know not how far we'll fly when our judgment day comes, nor if our aim shall...
-
President Kelsey
73Twelve people camped outside the White House, protesting the arrest. But they were all ugly losers, so the local authorities had no trouble...
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The Dating Trap
18Contestants leave with lovely parting gifts, including a year's supply of Strawberry Quik, a trip to Space Camp, and a pair of L.A. Lights....
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The Fool in the Pool
32Unsure of how else to tell him he had a cheating girlfriend, his close friends bought him a pair of inflatable water wings so he'd stay...
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5SF Assemble!
139This was filmed on a budget of $130.53, but the opening internet grosses are our highest-ever. So we should make our money back in 5 years.
-
The Herstory of Cinco de Mayo
145The ultrasounds from a few months ago detected empty bottles of Bushmill's, a sombrero and a full beard. It looked like Lamaze class wasn't...
-
3D Food
67Far juicier than normal, boring 2D Food!
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Matchmaker
20If you can't even be your own wingman through a ripped interdimensional portal, you and your penis should probably just take some time off...
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Dream Therapy
102On the plus side, that was her last free session before she'd have to start paying regular visitation fees, so this kinda all worked out in...
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Hollywood Waitress
19Sometimes they sprinkle a little too much desperation on it, but it's hard to look them in the eyes and make them take it back to the...
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Shazaam: The Lazy Genie
149What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the name Shazaam? You're thinking about the Shaq movie "Kazaam" aren't you? Turn...
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New Mission
47New Mission Force is located right across the street from Impossible Mission Force, in a bald-faced attempt to steal some of their business....
-
The Leaning Tower of Terror
31603This is what happens when the architect accidentally shifts his blueprints 15 degrees clockwise during construction.
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Houston Has A Problem
71The Apollo program was soon suspended, despite Ted's Puckish insistence that the review board's "mommas" were suspended instead. At a loss...
-
Noey And Vivek 4eva
143So not too long ago, a 5sf fan named Vivek e-mailed us (really) to see if there was some way we could help him ask a girl named Noey to...
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April 20th
21Before you pro-legalization guys scream "false equivalency," seriously just give heroin a shot. We recommend pilfering it from the bottom of...
-
Loverboy
23Clearly, somebody read "The Game" and thought the tips were applying to girls so vapid and dull that they were literally mannequin heads. Or...
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Useless Fact Cowboy: Spring Break...
61He could also show you how to surf on the back of a sea otter. But you're not ready for that useless information yet, you stupid youngling.
-
Brothers In Arms
22They shared a passion for doing the same thing they always do, six times a day at minimum, no matter what obstacle stands in their way. A...
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Fantasy Lover
20His constant insistence that it would be "really hot if she grew a goatee" became something of a roadblock in their relationship. When she...
-
Time Capsule
108It was a rough day for me when I buried that time capsule. My bike got crushed by a truck, my dog bit my hand, and my psychic parents told...
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Dimo Higgins: Attorney At Law
18Have you been in an accident? Can you still dial a phone? No? Do you have a friend who can pull out your wallet? Do you have anything other...
-
Those Weren’t Tic Tacs
129It's really a common mistake, especially since Tic Tacs started coming out with an "Acid" flavor, in a label-free plastic container that you...
-
Drunk Moving
16Now they'll have to call the cleaning people back again. They charge an extra $25 if you were chugging IPA, too.
-
Think Of The Children
21Nothing keeps a silly-voiced kid from getting picked on quite like saying "My silly-voiced dad beat up Hitler with a jetpack, so he can beat...
-
I Heard What You Said
131Bummer Week concludes with Part 5. Thank you for waiting patiently for it to be over.
-
Kelsey Gets A Pretty Dress
28It was stitched together by a factory of monkeys, all of whom had cursed paws. It's just cheaper to buy labor that way, even if the product...
-
Cassidy
102Part 4 of Bummer Week.
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Dr. Blind Date
9He's very thorough. However, Blue Shield just dropped the university hospital that he picks up co-eds at, so you might want to reconsider...
-
The Result
84This 5sf is Part 3 of Bummer Week.
-
Useless Fact Cowboy
8Before you die, you see the Useless Fact Cowboy. And then you learn about penicillin or something.
-
Of Course You Are
59Part 2 of Bummer Week continues.
-
Goin’ Solo
770Just wait 'til the second solo kicks in. It practically requires that you grunt and bite your lip.
-
The Craziest Thing
1410Part 1 of Bummer Week begins here. Every day this week, you'll get two 5-second films: A regular funny one at midnight or so, and a bummer...
-
Drinking Buddies
11He hid in waiting, behind cover, only to pop out and surprise Michael at the last second. Just like he did with the oncoming meat thresher 5...
-
A Dignified Lady
22Falling out of a time portal can do weird things to your hand-eye coordination. Or at least that's the excuse she gave.
-
Joe Goes For Help
7In his final days, Joe did in fact send for help by attaching several strands of hair to a circling vulture that got too close. Undeterred,...
-
Sound FXXX
25Foley guys are unsung heroes. They do all manner of exhausting tests with dead bodies just to discover what kinds of squishes they'll later...
-
Settlers Of The Old Interstate
17They came from miles around, looking for a fresh start. First came the gas stations, then the AM/PMs, then the combination KFCs/Dunkin...
-
Wrap It Up
86The money you save on your water bill just from a broken arm is insane. That is, assuming the paramedics find you in under 5 minutes.
-
Do The Tractor Beam
15The Reverse Thrust is a classic escape maneuver, but can result in all manner of wildlife, power tools and passersby being inexorably drawn...
-
Dog Days For Pauly P.
26Pauly's spiritual pilgrimage to Temecula (which, due to a miscommunication, he thought was Mecca for at least three straight peyote-drenched...
-
Whither Thou How Now, The Man In...
76Worse yet, think of how the poor owner of midwestern family theme park Moonworld will feel about this sobering news.
-
Captured
17With the new Canon lenses, every shot is a bird's-eye shot.
-
Yearbook Signatures
33As you can tell, Billy gained a lot of confidence with women that senior year, mostly from winning the Mathletes Nationals, but partly from...
-
My Grunge Band’s Playing at a...
59Worse still, his 'zine was getting too expensive to photocopy. He could've let more people know via beeper, but he spent all his money on...
-
The Sting Of Love
19I know what a lot of you are thinking: "How could he cheat on Olivia?" That's because you've never made love to an entire hive of bees in...
-
The Spy Who Twirled Me
19When he was younger, his father recorded over his instructional dance tapes with a TV presentation of "Dirty Harry." His mean streak either...
-
3D Tattoo
11The Bleeding Knees Club went on to have a band meeting. They decided that knives stuck in the back are definitely not cool, and that the...
-
Skirt Steak
20It's not really an effective mutant ability for her, especially when compared to good old-fashioned Misplaced Anger and a gun.
-
What Makes Andrew W.K. Rock So...
18Don't ask him how much he loves death metal. There will be no survivors.
-
Old Man Peterson’s Lawn
11He didn't have time to debate them on whether a top-down, bird's-eye view of his lawn would still indicate that they were "on" it, because...
-
Die Easy
14Soooo, the Nakatomi Corporation went bankrupt, the members of Asian Dawn were inexplicably released from prison, and his ex-wife's respect...
-
Paul Was In The C.I.A.
71Right now, as this 5-second film unspools on home computers across America, 36 dormant agents just uncontrollably dismantled their cats.
-
Identical Problems
20He was on his way to a barbecue in the park when his friends saw it happen from across the field. He tried laughing it off and changing the...
-
Makin’ It Rain
13They have a water park in heaven that doubles as a rainmaker for Earth, which is a fantastic tax incentive. So, that's not even actually his...
-
Laundry Day
27That money, incidentally, is going towards a suit made entirely out of dollar bills, which he will then splatter with blood at a violent...
-
Weird Owl
820I am Jack's half-eaten mouse. I am Jack's hollowed-out oak tree.
-
My Two Brahs
15Some brahs are there to support you. Some brahs lie just to make you think you're better than you are. And some brahs just break down when...
-
Taken
18You know how the story goes. Boy meets girl. Boy packs up and moves to a new apartment. Boy loses girl amidst the hustle and bustle. Boy...
-
War Whores
706Oscar Week comes to a close once more, with this four-hanky epic about that terrible, bloody invention of man that tears countries apart,...
-
Best Animal Performance
9Andy Serkis was nominated the next year, three times over, for playing all of the leads in the gritty reboot of Homeward Bound. However, he...
-
Extremely Loud & Incredibly...
20Step 1: Decide to win an Oscar for Best Screenplay (Original or Adapted). Step 2: Thumb through National Tragedies Weekly for inspiration....
-
The Atheist
646Nothing underscores the emptiness of the void that surrounds our meaningless universe quite like tap dancing and pencil thin mustaches.
-
Hate All U Want
109Even worse were the twitter responses afterward. @Hugo said "Dammmmn, I'd let Chris Brown beat me out for an award anytime." Just a sad day...
-
The Gamble
14The Snitches, Bitches & Soggy Britches Gang inevitably cleans up on strip poker night. Their willingness to start each game off with a...
-
False Alarm
41Her disappointment with being denied a chance to create a new, better baby was only matched by her boundless stupidity.
-
Widower’s Lament
14The sound of the dam bursting is still fresh in his memory. The crack of the branches. The high-pitched screams. The tails whapping against...
-
True Love
41The lie detector technician also served at the wedding as the priest. He was sweating profusely throughout the ceremony, but the bride and...
-
Serial Killer On The Loose!
25Nobody wants to read "Dead, Overweight Body Found in Silver Spring Again" in their morning paper. That's sure to get buried in the back...
-
Mime In A Box
16There's no manual on "How to Get Out of Actual Boxes" that they give mimes. Well, okay, there's a chapter on it in Do I Tell My Parents I'm...
-
Lady And The Tramp
791He chases Kelsey Cat up a tree constantly, asking her for her number. Then he runs back into the house, barking about what a great job he...
-
Paul From The Future
27In truth, not much has changed from now to then. There's a costume shop explosion, a run from the cops, and a quick detour into a nuclear...
-
Cooking With Crazy!!!
620NBC bought 28 comedy pilots last month. This is not one of them.
-
The Worst Extra in Hollywood
52His headshot is a sheet of reflective silver paper, which, when held at the right angle in front of you, reveals his face peeking right over...
-
Demon Snatchers
17Pilot season is around the corner, and word on the street is "Ghost Punchers" got picked up for a full season before the first episode...
-
Bro Break-Up
22Memories came flooding up, of the moments spent adrift in the grasp of his sweet bro as they slammed a monster hi-five, or the epic...
-
Ben’s Head Revisited
9It's his brain capacity, coupled with his ability to stay calm under pressure, that makes him a merciless opponent in "Scene It: Harry...
-
Wrong Answer
26To be fair, how can you live in this cruel world when you find out Falkor the Luck Dragon from "The Neverending Story" isn't real? It's like...
-
Mondays on CBS
54The station managers didn't even broadcast the first five minutes in English, and whoever edited the pilot accidentally put in footage of...
-
Assassination Attempt
11Sheriff Brimley Spiggensbottom couldn't read, but he could understand sign language. It was only a matter of time before his customized hand...
-
Petty Argument
16His therapist isn't much help either. Just a lot of screaming and cowering behind bookshelves, with all those fancy books he read in his...
-
Old Habits
13Would that he could gallop back to those halcyon days, when sunlight streamed in through the haylofts and wood dust swirled in the moonbeams...
-
Kelsey Cat
827On a morning when she's feeling a little too "urpy," she'll saunter over to a bowl of Sambuca, drink it, then barf up whatever organic kale...
-
Paternity Raffle
18It's like an episode of Maury, but with less crying and no "Whoomp! There it Is" playing on the loudspeakers.
-
Up In The Air
19Every man dies. Not every man really lives.
-
Surprise Salad
15She divorced him after this incident, citing "Emotional Distress" and "Irreconcilable Holy Shit His Head is Gone." He defended himself in...
-
SOPA/PIPA Kills The Internet
754The makers of the wooden table, the company that stitched Rouss and Peter's clothes together, the owners of that telltale gunshot sound...
-
Big Dumb Tits
23First of all, her tits scored a 71 on the IQ test, which puts them within the average range of the population. And second, ouch. Just...
-
Photogenic
15She's got the right angles, the right dress, the makeup is fine, the lighting was even on such a cloudy day. It's gotta be the stupid face....
-
Heroes of Ancient Greece
9David Bowie's 1977 B-side "Heroes of Ancient Greece" was not as appreciated as his smash single "Heroes," but there's a lot of depth and...
-
First Date Jitters
25Ok Cupid recently had a 15,000-question test titled "Are You a Creep Who Spends Too Much Time on the Computer?" He answered all 15,000, and...
-
Ask A Mobster Lobster
792Never disrespect your mother or your 8,000 brothers and sisters; Real men do not hide under conch shells; and when in doubt, leave the gun,...
-
Cool Cactus
12Fool me once, shame on me - because come on, it's a fucking cactus. Fool me twice, just let me die because it's clearly what I want.
-
Police Intimidation
92Bringing a whole new meaning to the term "Private Dick in a Coat," which didn't exist until right now. So that means "Private Dick in a...
-
Corporate Board Meeting
65The 99% picketing outside were swallowed up by a massive crack in the Earth, which secreted both scorching lava and sounds of moaning souls...
-
Kelsey’s Maternal Instincts
174When she was 12, she was given a pet rabbit for Christmas. She named it "Die Already," which it promptly did, right around the time she...
-
Ex-Mas Tree
7The end of the holiday season can get a bit emotional for everyone. But the trees seem to take it worst of all, with a yen for reckless,...
-
Quick Moves
670He went to Get Help, by which he meant "rent the hit motion picture 'The Help,'" and it took him 20 minutes to do it in a straight line of...
-
New Year’s Resolution
11Thing is, Laser-Eyes is a pretty nice guy. Once again, he's picked a New Year's resolution that conveniently avoids the central problem in...
-
December 31, 1941
112Hey, c'mon. It's the year she went into hiding, not the year, she, you know. Either way, I cannot WAIT for the Summit Entertainment remake...
-
A Long Day’s Night
10Few things take longer. A dirigible trip across Mexico and a visit to the DMV are among those few things. SICK BURN ON THE DMV OHHHHHHHHHH
-
The Big Drip
9Whiskey shooters come with a complimentary jugbucket of diet soda down at Crimeys on Solve Blvd. It's a deal too potent for any gumshoe to...
-
Going Out Big
14Every man's dream, plus backup. All that's missing is a sick bottle of bud, the game on TV, and a rebound lovedoll.
-
Secret Handshake
7It keeps going, and eventually involves a game of naked whiskey twister being played while whistling Rihanna's "We Found Love." They have to...
-
Definitely Naughty
50Jesus remembered this kid from way back, when he tried to rob a bank with his dad and got off with a light sentence. It marked the last time...
-
The List
46There was a dummy attache, filled with old Bennigan's receipts, that kept the cops busy while they drained the Hudson looking for it....
-
Occupy North Pole
9Peppermint spray, however, is both a massively effective NLECDU (non-lethal elf crowd dispersal unit) and a GGFD (great gift for Dad).
-
Operation: Snowfall
10The elves knew what they were getting themselves into when they started fomenting rebellion. A quelling was as inevitable as the rolling...
-
A Christmas Wish He Can’t...
14Their first child was not a masculine child. But a ball-buster all the same, as you can see.
-
Christmas Returns
14This Christmas, throw your friends in precarious safety hazards, make them beg for mercy, and hoist them into the night sky, whereupon...
-
National Defense Authorization Act
25Look, if we don't do this, the terrorists don't not ever never lose. Justice must be possibly done.
-
Pressing Business
98An intern can really work their way up the ladder here if they make an effective lava monster, knowing who to tag (e.g. not the boss) and...
-
Pillow Fort
48Undaunted, the Russians fortified their base with multiple black throw pillows, some of which had their fringe gnawed off by the family cat...
-
Tear Jerker
10Wild Skank Patrol Butt Force 12 is an even more crushing statement on the meaningless of human life when you watch WSPBF parts 1-11. They...
-
Engaging The Enemy
68A memorial service was held for him later that evening. Everyone in the platoon attended, except for him, because he was out picking a...
-
Stand-Up Comedian In Space!!!
107All this anti-, alt-, awkward-comedy bullshit is really starting to get on my fucking space nerves these days. Think they're so clever....
-
California In Winter
40Much like the lion in winter, California is always well-dressed and finds two olives a bit gauche, no matter what those charlatans in The...
-
Whack-A-Dude
12There's not a lot of room for two guys in there, as years of one struggling to accommodate the other (and every ensuing argument) could...
-
Free Hug
88Nothing can stop him from spreading a message of hug-filled positivity. Not an awkward encounter with a random stranger on the street. Not a...
-
Stern British Matron
97If you accomplish something minor, look over your shoulder. If you're about to humblebrag to someone about your angry birds score, think...
-
Mr. Benefit Of The Doubt Rides...
10He thought it would be a good idea to show up to the party in a matching outfit, and when the party planners showed up in cop cars and...
-
Lost Sheep
14This happened so often, God eventually made it an 11th commandment that all sheep have to stop floating away and pulling this kind of crap....
-
Under The Boardwalk
127The Drifters won the right to record the original version, after an intense three-way battle between them, The Four Junkies, and Jerry...
-
Memories
20The upside is, it also made him forget about the syphilis he contracted, so the moral of the story is: Smoke weed constantly.
-
How I Survived Thanksgiving
16He even made it past Christmas, too, in a harrowing 30-day ordeal filled with thrills and chills. He sold the life rights to his story, but...
-
Trypto Trance
12When the General tells you it's time for turkey dinner, you don't need a meat thermometer. All you need is a open pathway to your soul and...
-
Warm Rain
13He won't do adult Huggies. There's a time and a place for that sort of thing - either at a rave, or when it's time for Baby Huey cosplay.
-
Technology Race
9In just 10 easy installments of $59.99, you too can purchase all 40 volumes of the "Shit You've Already Googled Or Will Ever Google" series,...
-
Richard Bitter’s Favorite...
12He's the kind of guy who loves afternoon open mics at the Laugh Factory, but only when the comedian bombs so horribly that they kill...
-
Drama Queen
18Once, while in line at a supermarket, she opened up a People magazine and flipped to the "Who Wore It Better" page. It was between a...
-
Chill Pills
12He was promoted to Head of Writhing Maggots Turning Into An Orgiastic Sea Of Drowning Albinos While Winged Spiders Rain Acid Venom On Beep...
-
Awesome Ways To Fire People #39
11Having a girl's name, like Dana, Stacey, Pat, or Jamal, is a pretty good guarantee you'll get fired. Unless you really are a girl...in which...
-
Writing Session
22When it comes to 5sf ideas, we usually do our best thinking in the Nude Bed - but not the best insulting. Except for the time Paul called...
-
Virtually In Love
13The expansion pack has all kinds of great content. Like jizz. Because the expansion pack is his erect penis. Shit, I can't sell...
-
Cleaning House
6Coincidentally, this is how Batman scratches his back. But his lats are way more jacked, so it works out okay.
-
Best Friends
17Someday, these crazy kids will be able to look in the mirror and say they love themselves. Until then, they've got each other.
-
Time
18It's a new world record. Too bad he can't use that to pick up chicks at bars.
-
Mr. Benefit Of The Doubt
19Always assume the best in people. Little by little, you'll chip away at the vast chasms of evil in everyone.
-
Double Dare
13On one hand, time heals all wounds. Time jump transitions, on the other (remaining) hand, do not.
-
Flame Retardant
12Actually, 5-Second Films, the correct term is "Mentally-Challenged Manifested Heat Spikes." Thank you.
-
Regret Flex
12Nothing a little Flexahol can't fix. And yes, Zanderflex is required by the court not to drink alcohol. Zanderflex always finds a loophole.
-
Busted
15The next step is to go about deleting your history, everything that looks like it comes from Craigslist, Cracked, Reddit, eBay, Netflix,...
-
Awesome Ways To Fire People #82
24This manual was published in the spring of '86, with helpful full-color photos in the middle. Sadly, time has been cruel to the pages of...
-
In the Mouth of Madness
17 -
Piñata Party
20There's a distinct difference between the cheap, crummy pinatas you get at Gelson's and the nice expensive ones you can get at Hellson's....
-
Ouija
18There's a specific spot on the board just for these sorts of disputes: "Will you two quit pussyfooting and just get down to boot-knockin'...
-
Bloody Mary
17Saying "White Russian" three times doesn't really do anything cool. Although the next day, "Rocky 4" is always playing on AMC. And no, not...
-
Witch’s Broom
11What's worse, magical hamsters will come out and ride your toothbrushes away too, if you even try cleaning with those. At least witches on...
-
Halloween Costume
685Better than "Slutty Ghost" anyway. Not that this would be an issue.
-
Wonder Pup II: The Rescue
11If half of your superhero job consists of you apologizing, or thinking about it, then it may be time to look at alternative ways of helping...
-
Me Glasses
19The Ice Age was shaped like a pair of kickin' Ray-Bans, directly over North America. Nobody else cared.
-
Justified Alcoholism
16The support groups were no help at all, since beers just kept popping up around everybody sitting in the circle of trust.
-
Sick Nightmare
18This is what you get when you spend all night at a rager, telling the coolest stories to all your bros, and you have six tabs of acid...
-
The Heart Thief
56He tried to write some poetry to cope with the incident, but he couldn't help starting it with "Hey Heart Thief / Why You Always Gotta Be...
-
The Last Hole
19Most terrifyingly, you can't help but become them. But it's not a gruesome process like The Thing or a bodysnatcher; you just start hating...
-
Sexism Saves
106Stop wives and save lives with this handy-dandy technique! Note: Must have glasses in order to remove them dramatically.
-
Kelsey From The Future
18And lo, the world was saved. The world of FASHION. At least, until she paired her Louboutins with a red purse and just got way too...
-
Gettin’ Laid
17They "know a guy" who can speed up the entire judicial process, book a room for them at a Max Security in the tri-county area, and then get...
-
Hot On The Trail
8Retiring from the force because you lost an escaped convict amidst some hanging clotheslines is tough. Going undercover to catch him is...
-
Start Paperwork
10This, coincidentally, was the same answer he gave for "Where Do You See Yourself in 5 Years?" back during the interview process.
-
Crime Solving Hookers
25The "Charlies Angels" reboot went through so many changes from its initial conception, as you can see.
-
TMI ATM
732If you confirm your PIN, it just starts rifling through stuff like your mom's maiden name, your credit card number, what high school you...
-
Cucumbers
694Having non-stop laser eyes really can make those peepers pretty puffy. Thankfully, this time-tested method both rejuvenates AND provides a...
-
Out To Dry
1He even switched out his 'hose, because the old one was getting a little sweaty. That's how fast he is.
-
Charades
30Last time they played Parcheesi, somebody got shot. So that was voted down 3-1 at game night.
-
Standard Operating Procedure
13Curiously, it gets 4 bars in there and only 1 on the crosstown bridge. O cell phone towers, what wonders ye hold.__Starring the guys from...
-
Treating People Like Babies #122
25It's hard to see here, but she's actually texting her boyfriend a bunch of silly baby-talk. This guy is just plain crazy.
-
Confidence
13Once science discovered it was mostly peanut M&Ms in there, the money offers dried up and his wife left him. Just to make ends meet, he...
-
Anniversary Gift
23This year, get her something she'll remember.__Special thanks to Alfonso Faustino, Jr. and David Bush.
-
Scratches
705I know she had a family and everything, yet I just can't help but think, "That's what you get for getting drunk and answering 'Missed...
-
Bro Stand-Off
26It was now or never. Everything was on the line. Play it cool and nobody got hurt...or do something really stupid and pay the price. These...
-
Lady Advice
17This isn't anything you couldn't learn in an average issue of Cosmo. At least there, you'd also get to learn 400 spicy ways to please your...
-
Everything’s Bigger In Texas
717It's basically like entering World 4 in Super Mario Bros. 3, except your dignity doesn't get any bigger.
-
Puppet Therapy
20Any great therapist should be able to explain tough concepts, such as psychosexual trauma, schizotypal personality disorders, or the letter...
-
Late For Work (Special Edition)
36Our week-long masterclass in digital trickery and filmic enhancery comes to a close with a new take on 5sf's crowning achievement "Late For...
-
Absence of the Towels (Special...
284With the power of high-definition digital gimcrackery, the controversial becomes uncontroversial in this latest installment of 5-second...
-
Robodog (Special Edition)
27More cinematic revisionist history as we delve into "Robodog,"" the tale of a boy and his robotic pet that just wasn't quiiiiiiiite all it...
-
The Brilliant Dr. Eye (Special...
3Our week of Special Edition 5sfs continues as an older, wiser Brian Firenzi turns his attention to a super-old work, "The Brilliant Dr....
-
Death Ray From Space (Special...
25World-renowned filmmaker Brian Firenzi delves back into the 5-Second Films archive to revise, rewrite and restore old 5sfs in his original...
-
Flaky
16He might have some pretty tasty chops, but it's not worth all the aggravation. There's 11 more where he came from, anyway.
-
Tooth Fairy
15She knew it was on the rocks when he started trying to give her gold-encrusted tooth necklaces. But hanging outside her cloud palace,...
-
New Trick
10To be fair, the yo-yo learns tricks faster, doesn't eat its own poop, doesn't need heartworm pills, AND it gets just as excited when you...
-
This Smile
122Flip that frown upside down. You'll never know what'll get flipped back at you.
-
Can Anyone Operate Heavy Machinery?
771Heroes aren't born. They're medicated.
-
Patriarchy!
305If you don't have at least one fight in your relationship that ends this way, you're doing it wrong.
-
Roseburger
746It may not seem like much these days, but to gain a true appreciation for "Roseburger"" you have to look at it in the context of film...
-
For The Good Of The Band
15He saw a flier earlier up the road, right where his car broke down. "Stand-up bassist needed to complete the ultimate hoedown recipe.""...
-
Felt
623Buster only knows a specific set of words, all of which end in "-ut"" sounds. In Buster's world, there really can only be one type of woman,...
-
College Is Gonna Be So Sweet
39Six words that you can never take back, unlike the 15 pounds you'll gain (note: You won't take back the 15 pounds either, you just have the...
-
Resourcefulness
12When you get a bright idea, don't waste it. Kill someone with it.
-
Communication Breakup
13These 1-900 sex lines are getting less and less erotic every day.
-
Kelsey’s New Boyfriend
24A rigorous screening process is necessary before you can become Kelsey's boyfriend and thus our new buddy. You must submit yourself to five...
-
Sam’s Hands
16Sometimes Sam doesn't even have to go to the bathroom. He just walks into a place where it's socially acceptable to handle his junk, does so...
-
My Almost Psychic Friend
20He's great at narrowing your choices down from 14 to 13 at any given racetrack.
-
Everyday Dubstep
940Before you die, you see the empty scenester hype.
-
Diffractions
16They're incredibly adaptable creatures, who have a better-than-tenuous grasp of our 90's movies, our related pranks, and how to perfectly...
-
Finding Jesus
15It's kind of like winning a bottle cap sweepstakes, except with more guilt and fewer jetskis.
-
Getting To Know Her II: Know Harder
11The male ear boasts an incredibly precise filtration system, but it can often pose a problem unless a police officer / your boss / your...
-
Real Estate
17They bought the place in the end, but only because it came with a butler (who later turned out to be a slumming Bronsot Pinchot in a...
-
Were-Emo
638Watch out on days when there's a full sun.
-
Salsa Lesson
27Fernando Ribieres is the best of the best. He demands perfection, style, and class from both his students and his salsa. As he says, "Real...
-
The Womb
13Closing time is always a sad time down at The Womb. But really, it's always sad in there, what with the barkeep being so lonely and the...
-
The Final Battle
842In the Land of Fyffynthoth, most of the demonic winged creatures are actually just friendly dudes who are trying to get you anything you may...
-
Zombie Bite
10Friends don't let friends give friends guns to sacrifice themselves. Even when those friends are about to become friends no longer.
-
Film Permit
325SF closes out Bellflower Week with every guerilla filmmakers's favorite imaginary scenario.__"Bellflower"" is an awesome movie made by...
-
Mixed Signals
26She takes advice from these two on everything. Recently she diversified her stock portfolio by investing in VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNN-N-N-N-N-N-N...
-
Joy Ride
20When the cops do drunk-stops in this town, they usually make you get out and walk a straight line while high-fiving them and reciting the...
-
Burning Rubber
13You can usually get that taken care of at the Free Clinic, but they ask all sorts of embarrassing questions, like what kind of mileage it...
-
Lord Humungus’ Birthday Party
185sf kicks off "Bellflower Week"" with a look at an underseen cult classic, ""Sad Max"" - which might be underseen for a reason. The reason...
-
The Hunt For Ceiling-Crawler
15His reign of terror gripped the Pacific Southeast for months, much like his incredibly dextrous fingers could grip the ceiling of any...
-
Nut Fest
12Anyone could've told him that Jessica was not the on-air reporter to have flings with. Of course she kisses and tells - she got her start...
-
Sticker Stickler
19If you don't pay the fine in under 30 days, they send a flatfoot named Hernandez to troll your YouTube comments with inflammatory remarks....
-
Betty’s Coffee
13Putting to rest the age-old mystery of "Your Mom"" jokes, and in it's place begins a new regime of terror."
-
Gun Lover
17Gun permits come with a question where you check a box indicating whether you're a "Lover"" or a ""Fighter."" Statistically, that question...
-
Boyfriend Bootcamp
69The course cost $300 and you got to name your own squadron. Edifying though the weekend may have been, Ass-play Company still needed a lot...
-
Hobohemia
14When you order premium-grade lobster bisque from the best restaurants in the south of France, it comes in cans that you have to heat...
-
Arabian Wipes
11No one was home. It took forever to waddle down to the gas station with his cheeks clenched. And yet, the shameful walk back somehow felt...
-
Guilt Food
59The Ivetouchedlittleboysenberry flavor is a personal favorite. [gets put on government watchlist]
-
Mike & Mike
12When they heard the news about New York legalizing gay marriage, they just laughed at the poor romantic fools, poured some chablis and...
-
Chin Up
18If this is what they call "chin music," then it sounds like Tom Waits covering "Everybody Hurts" on a broken piano next to a dying dog.
-
The Tweet Of Life
20In this stunning visual essay on youth, nature, fathers, mothers, brothers, and man's place in the universe, 5secondfilms explores new terri
-
You Got Mail
158Postal workers don't get overtime for de-rezzing, either. It was just a real bummer of a Sunday all around.
-
Pregnancy Scare
15SIDE EFFECTS OF PUTINESTRA INCLUDE (BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO): Drowsiness, blowsiness, frowniness, constant explosive urination, skin...
-
Spider Problem
24Thankfully, this wasn't the Brown Reticulated Spider, which typically asks for autographs when threatened - and worst of all, it has no pen...
-
Goldfist
18Agent 33 had an incredibly witty comeback for this one, but unfortunately his larynx was under the command of a far less gifted wordsmith....
-
Egg Drop’d
15As it turns out, candy striping at local hospitals was the most humorously convenient community service Olivia could have possibly chosen,...
-
Crabwalkin’
696Thus began a feud between two powerful families of pure hearts and proud walks, a feud as inevitable as the setting of the sun and the icing...
-
Cool Teacher-Parent Conference
60You only make cool tenure if you can hit a jukebox with your elbow and get it to start playing. Although these days, cutbacks are forcing...
-
Red, White & Screwed
13There are many ways to donate to the needy people of Wall Street: A token contribution out of every paycheck you earn, not complaining about...
-
Rouss Loses His Projectionist Job
13In this terrible job market with bleak prospects, in a world where film projection is getting replaced by slick machine-operated digital...
-
Super Cheap Fantasy
637It's either this, or Olivia puts on some jodhpurs and takes him into a couch fort with 52 cents, a flashlight, a rubber band and a copy of...
-
Butlers Behaving Boldly
47Jeeves' hand was a Hoppin' Jalapeno Cool Ranch with Finger-Lickin' Lemon-Lime Zest. Truly a feast for the palate, and the kind of impressive...
-
Dark Days For Pauly P.
28Pauly got in the habit of making money orders using fake lira from the Italian version of Monopoly (the most identical-looking of all the...
-
Starving Writer
15The great authors all have pages and pages of unpublished, delicious mealuscripts. Thoreau has a secret Walden chapter on "Paprika" that few...
-
Dr. Katze
29An extra $12K gets you a throat modulator that mimics the pitch and timbre of a feral street cat. He's very thorough.
-
Jon Has a Problem
22Times are tough. Friends gotta rap with each other. No pressure, just talk. Is it drugs, Jon?
-
The First Hard Drive
19He reappeared back in his future-year of 2004 as the lowly son of a stonecutter in a world built on vine pulleys and towering tree...
-
The Big Question
19It's a lot like wearing the Green Lantern ring, but instead of cool weapons, you're only manifesting a life spent being bloated and sucked...
-
An American in New York
22Later, he was asked for directions to 5th and Broadway, and proceeded to bullshit an entire family into somehow taking a Central Park...
-
Father & Son
113Good thing he at least taught him how to do other father-son activities beforehand, such as arrange a burial, help draft a will, drive a...
-
Pavlovian Discourse
166This violates the doctor-patient relationship in so many ways. For one thing, she's fat, and for another, she could stand to pop a few...
-
Pinky Swear
18Years of playground lies - stolen Magic: The Gathering cards, false Four Square calls, unkept pants-wetting secrets - all forged in the crux...
-
Anti Theft
18He immediately spent the pawn shop money on a doorknob so he could exit the pawn shop.
-
Rouss’ BBQ Chicken Chest
21It isn't every day you inherit a BBQ Chicken Chest from your dead relatives. That's why so few are prepared to deal with the consequences....
-
Victorian Secret
42A delightful lark, the first and last from Woolthorp & Pendergrast Amusements (before the celluloid fire gave way to a most precipitous...
-
Generational Divide
22That's not even the worst of it. They think an iPod is something you play air hockey with and "The Cloud" is just a bunch of precipitation...
-
Love Sick
16For what it's worth, she got food poisoning from the shrimp. Michael got it too, from the chicken shawarma, but that's neither here nor...
-
Missing
30He tried calling up his roll of scotch tape, but she wasn't returning his calls. And the paper clips...they were sweet, but they couldn't...
-
Almost Famous
661What did the internet comedian do, honey? Show us what he did. Point on this bored-looking doll sitting at his work desk, unimpressed with...
-
Clark Kent’s Close Call
122At the Daily Planet's white elephant Christmas party, Clark wound up getting the gag gift: A pair of dorky, oversized, Stay-On glasses and a...
-
Save The Date
12They should have paid attention in class, when they played an instructional video on how to survive a potential baby shower. Always duck and...
-
Riddled With Kisses
594Love is a many-reloaded thing.
-
Planking
892Realizing your friends have a problem is the easy part. Getting them to go into Meme Rehab, and resisting the urge to detonate their nuts...
-
The Big C
12The judge was a giant talking cigar, so the verdict was swift: Fifty years of smooth, full-flavored 3-pack-a-day habits, with no chance for...
-
Brothers
28Sorry if we inadvertently ruined "Game of Thrones" for you or whatever.
-
Getting to Know Her
628There is a battle that rages in all men, between the cordial fellow attempting conversation and the wounded, jealous cad expecting athletic...
-
Jon’s Been Playing Too Much...
17The motion-tracking stuff just isn't what the reviews hyped it up to be. You still can't tell whether your friends are cool dudes or...
-
Hammer Time
23The English language is a tool just like any other. Dangerous when misunderstood. Well, I'm majoring in philosophy and that's my grad...
-
Going Down
21There are some nuisance-makers who will not be denied. Tolerate their shitty mischief or suffer the consequences.
-
Lost and Found
15He was faced with an impossible choice: Report her to the authorities, or continue hitting on her? Eventually, he tried both at once, but...
-
Friendship Tree
14Friends don't let friends don't let friends...sleep...let friends...sleep...there's nothing to be afraid of, it's painless, it's good, come,...
-
Subliminal Message
51If you do this with an old ELO record, it tells you to put on some goddamn cotton gloves if you're going to touch it any more. The last...
-
World Record Yawn
14The phone call to the Guiness Records department was bittersweet, for both men would soon realize they were bested by a third participant,...
-
Update
24Olivia tends to take "Must have shared interests" a little too literally sometimes.
-
High Noon
649He came from the East, with a knowledge of how duels are won and a willingness to bend the rules. They called him The Man With No Sense of...
-
Photographic Memory
15Too bad they run the Photographic Evidence department in the Murdertown Police Station.
-
Grumpy Ben
117Reality TV continues to push boundaries and hold up a mirror to society, as you'll see in this unaired pilot for an MTV series about...
-
Mr. & Mrs. Ogyny
15He's gonna show her who wears the pants, and who continues to wear them after weeks of showerless, cheetoh-and-hooker-stained revelry.
-
Disappearing Trick
11The same maneuver works for weed, too. You just have to also have a peanut butter sandwich in the bag, and you have to put it in the...
-
Coupe du Jour
31"Shotgun Etiquette" demands that you refrain from slurping, dipping crackers or wearing a seatbelt. Should any projectiles approach the...
-
The History of Cinco de Mayo
978A tradition rich with history and purpose, the annual "Drunken Punching of the Forehead" is superseded only by the "Instant Appearance of...
-
The Girl Next Door
13The first time they saw her and her wild, smiling eyes, they could swear they heard music. They weren't wrong; It was a combination of a...
-
P Is For Pterodactyle
18Peter Dactyle was a young man with a junior archaeologist's kit and a dream. He would take that dream all the way to the top of his...
-
Osama Bin Laden’s Final Video
826It was when they answered the door as "Pizza Hut" that he knew something was awry. Only Domino's had the sweet pizza-tracker app that let...
-
Cheater
16Coincidentally, a giant glob of spooge was the correct answer to number 12. However, he unwittingly signed his test "Holy Shit, This is the...
-
Big Surprise
33Nothing helps wash down the bitter taste of knowing you're capable of ruthless back-alley baby-stopping quite like a heaping slice of...
-
Professor Pigeon
590Pigeons typically don't get tenure. But his discourse on Proust is thrilling to behold.
-
The Last Words of Troy Hicks
17A simple man who enjoyed simple pleasures, Troy loved creating righteous shit for his friend Randall to check out. Until that fateful,...
-
It’s a Dog’s...
16Personally, I kinda like coming up to a line of hydrants and peeing on the one right next to someone. It feels like a team effort that way,...
-
Bunny Brothers
17Times are tight and rent is rough in the big city, particularly when you've been running out of places to store dead bodies and meth in your...
-
Guess That Murder
18As a runner-up, you go home with a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax, but if you'll notice, the turtle on the bottle has been labeled...
-
Guns A Blazin’
120Right before this, he showed the other men in his squad a photograph he kept tucked away in his helmet. "This is what I got waiting for me...
-
Food Baby
75There's a Thursday farmer's market down the street that sells this stuff farm-fresh organic, kale-fed and free-range. Most people just hang...
-
Unprotected Shootout
16Gun AIDS. A little dab'll do ya.
-
Forgotten Hero
103He was the last of three brothers who all died similarly; Ryan, who took heavy fire at a shooting range on Free Blindfold Day; Jacob, who...
-
Nobody’s Driving
15The best part about the cop asking for nobody's license and registration is, it takes forever! And you can just drunkenly slip out the...
-
Switch Hitter
24Stay gold, Hornyboy. Stay gold.
-
Lenny’s First Day Back From...
19The memories came rushing back almost as soon as the words escaped his lips. The grooves his fingers made in the prison bars over time. The...
-
My Neighbor the Ex-Girlfriend
18Her Facebook status reads "In a Relationship Totally Packed With Mind-Blowing Sex, Jon. Remember this vagina? Hope so, because it's the last...
-
How to Hit on Girls but from Your...
30In this anthropological field study, we witness the effect of male attention on unwitting passersby and watch as a strange symbiotic...
-
What to Expect When You’re...
26They were so "on board," in fact, that their finger-ticklin' dudeshake went on for a good forty minutes. When they stopped and came to, they...
-
Goin’ Up?
13It's even worse when some little brat steps in with you, hits all the buttons for every floor, and winds up vivisecting the entire structure...
-
Collection Day
30If you have a totally kick-ass party filled with lots and lots of booze receptacles, and say his name three times in a mirror, he will come.
-
Bad Times and Broken Roofs
21You can't hold Roof Monster down. You can only report him to the police and have your mom mail his sleepover stuff back to his mom while...
-
HACK3R C@T EPISODE 1: A Meow Hope
24In this thrilling installment of the hit series "Hack3r C@t," the team encounters a nasty firewall and has to break through in time to stop...
-
Lady in Red
670There's a special VIP section in the burn ward, where the Dom Perignon can be attached to your IV, gift bags full of rare exotic aloe are...
-
2 Clones, Chillin’
19Onanism? More like Clonanism! Wait, what?
-
Nom de Plume
733One day, these evil, armless, inanimate objects will realize that their telekinetic abilities could be put to far better use by, say,...
-
Sentencing
17Justice was harsh and swift - 20 minutes without a chance of parole - but they let him off early for good behavior.
-
Request For Urgent Business...
21And to think: All he needed was their bank routing number. He was so close. So, so close to giving random people he's never met all the...
-
Hipster Goggles
24Turns any lame party into a totally not-lame deconstruction of lameness, filtered through a winking parody of fashion trends, stale Pabst,...
-
Strong Drink
23To be fair, the patron kept pressing him about a particularly strong drink he made, from a long time ago. The bartender was there to promote...
-
AAA Phone Service
17If it's an emergency, they tell you to hang up and dial 911, or barring that, just die.
-
Rushin’ Roulette
686Never leave ingenious escape plans up to the one P.O.W. who flunked out of fourth-grade math.
-
Hypnotic Southern General
43Photos going back as far as the Battle of Appomattox seem to include him, at least somewhere in the background. They're blurry, but he...
-
Not Easy Being Green
28He lep-baits his friends at every turn, whether they accidentally speak in limerick or whether they just so happen to buy a box of Lucky...
-
Animal Product
14Eventually, the makers of "Meet Your Meat" had to issue a disclaimer saying not all cows were worthy of saving through vegan practices, but...
-
Realizations
16The bartender knew already that his twin would mean trouble. What with all the stealin' of the women and all the horkin' of his booze. It...
-
Telegram
18He eventually showed up at her place of work, stopped, caused a huge scene, stopped, punched her boss in the face, stopped, drove off like a...
-
On the Run
25I guess you could say Delmar really got...SGARED straight after this close call! (Kills self)
-
First Contact
15They came from the outer reaches of Syphilis-9 to spread pod all over your face. Open wide, mankind.
-
A Drink For the Lady
24The mark of any good pick-up artist is how well they can "Neg" their female targets - and, as the bartender demonstrates here, telling a...
-
The Merry Knitter
18This doesn't bode well for the kindly old lady next door who crochets imitation jugs of mustard gas.
-
Second Date
14He has a way with words. As in, they're usually accompanied by vomit.
-
Scientologist’s Grace
33Clearly we mean no actual harm to the church. Under no circumstances. Like, duh. Totally beneath us.
-
GF-1000
15She needs a man who won't lead a resistance against letting her inside his heart.
-
Save the Fish
105Eventually, he recycled enough plastic rings and bought a fish fillet at Vons. As he snacked on it in the backyard, he thought to himself...
-
Lemons
20It's just like that old inspirational saying: "When life gives you lemons, make it a Blockbuster night."
-
Drunk Burial
39Yeah well, I guess he wasn't dead this whole time. Still, he wasn't moving for 175 days, so you can't blame me for assuming.
-
The Oscar Man
53The winners bound onstage. They hold their prize aloft. They speechify. Inevitably, someone says "Wow, I didn't think it would be this...
-
The K-King’s S-S-Speech
15Eventually he got on, and his incessant stammering actually managed to make the speech more concise and understandable. Partial transcript:...
-
And the Nominees Are…
9The dark horse candidate for Best Picture was "The Last Airbender," mostly because the post-conversion 3D made it look really dark and there...
-
127 Seconds
18Realizing he still had enough adrenaline for another go round, he clutched the dulled, bloodied knife in his bare foot like a chimp and...
-
Victory Speech
235-Second Films' annual Oscar Week kicks off with an oft-overlooked category, Shortest Awards Speech, which has a long and illustrious...
-
The Most Respected Man in News
13His sign-off -- "Until next time, the world's on the rocks, and so's my whiskey," followed by a huge chug of the good stuff -- was a big hit...
-
A Little Forward
103You might be too young to remember, but back when cell phones didn't exist, you had to develop pictures of your dick in a red room, and mail...
-
Bait and Switch
23He shouldn't have scheduled a meeting with her so close to lunch. Her mind was just focused on how delicious he looked. Also, he was way too...
-
Socks and Sandals
148Something about the two items just "go" together. Kinda like fire and kerosene. Chlorine and bleach. Peanut butter and dogshit.
-
That Girl at the Florist’s
18Once, years ago, she even wound up arranging a "Congrats Grad" bouquet for him before he informed her she wouldn't be graduating high...
-
More Tricks and Tips with Pauly P.
18A Google Earth search brought the mafia to a backyard with a used-up oil drum and hammock full of hard lemonades in somewhere in Chico. By...
-
Self-Loathing In Las Vegas
17There was a tiger [ed: at a magic show he didn't see] and I ran from the cops [but they didn't notice or care] and I accidentally married a...
-
Johnson & Johnson
31Johnson's reports always come in on time, his ideas kill in the boardroom, and better yet, if both of you wind up handcuffed to the wall in...
-
Dying on Stage
9His act has a lot of crude, foul language that also kills people and turns them into ghosts. I guess that's what you call "Working...
-
LULZ
33He woke up 5 minutes later, having had the craziest dream. All he could remember, as it started to fade from memory, was having been chased...
-
The Teen Pregnancy Awards
16Also brought to you by Subway, Clearasil, The Sick Fascination Foundation, Wrigley, Taco Bell, and General Motors.
-
Irresponsible Sportsman
22The parents took him to small claims court and he proceeded without a lawyer, basing a case on the proof that their children had more fun...
-
5sf Joke Pitch #734
73Dear Michael: This is the 5sf Joke Approval Committee. We wanted to write to congratulate you on the acceptance of your new joke, "I shoot...
-
Budget Cuts
13It seems cruel, but Michael just has this intuitive way of cutting diagonally that gets the most blood with the fewest expensive emergency...
-
The World is Ending
29They were spared from the torrential onslaught - just freakish luck from living in the mountainous area of Silver Spring - but for some...
-
Last Day at the Large Hadron...
699They tempted the fates. They will deal with the consequences. And none of us will be spared the suffering for it.
-
Fortune Cookie(s)
71Who is printing these fortunes? And why aren't they cut properly? This last bit, as you can imagine, is my major concern.
-
Mystic Pizza
17Don't bother getting out your wallet. He's already collected his tip. And somehow, you still managed to short-change him.
-
Smarts
21Actually, she's a double major in Neuroscience and Nuclear Physics, but she sucks at Angry Birds and can't park in tight spaces, so what...
-
Exploding Contraceptive
13"Wait, monsieur," said the French heiress from the boudoir, her hair a tangled post-coital mess. "You mustn't tell my husband. He'll go mad...
-
Tricks and Tips with Pauly P.
705After witnessing a mob hit, Pauly P assumed a new identity as "Pauly P" and proceeded to churn out beta maxterpieces on fitness, grooming,...
-
Wednesday Party
14It used to be worse. Just months ago, we'd throw all-nighter, ten-keg block parties just because Google had some clever graphic variation of...
-
Catfight!!
30Rule Number One when observing a catfight is: Don't take sides. Because after they've scalped each other, jammed wrought iron stakes into...
-
Starving Child
18We even got a great photo op with him walking down the train tracks with his ribs showing. Diane Arbus did the shots. Very James Dean, very...
-
90’s Brian
166In this episode, Brian deals with his daddy issues, Rousselet gets in deep with "smack," somebody is probably banging a hot teacher, and...
-
Wonder Pup
19Tearing a new hole in the interdimensional TerrorRealm doesn't get you very high marks at obedience school, but it does turn the teacher...
-
Bruised Apple
26Lifetime: Television for produce.
-
Early Warning Signs of a Bad Date
17It puts the hose on its skin, or else it gets the loti...fuck! Wait.
-
Bald Spot
20V'hayah im shamo'a tish'm'u el mitz'votai asher anokhi m'tzaveh et'khem hayom l'ahavah et Adonai Eloheikhem ul'av'do b'khol l'vav'khem...
-
The Long Escape
14In addition to fear, dogs can smell confusion over other people's names and from that, deduce that you don't know what you're doing. It's...
-
What Girls Do in There
114Take shits and gossip with each other? No, I'm afraid that's only their little ruse, and it's worked perfectly up until now.
-
Irresponsible Speller
19He successfully campaigned to get that word accepted by Merriam-Webster and the New Oxford Dictionary, just so she could spell it for him....
-
Reggie’s Coming!
47English majors: Is this an example of Dramatic Irony, or Situational Irony? Why? Please provide your arguments and cite at least one captcha...
-
New Neighbors
22Pie: 4 cups flour 1 cup sugar 1 cup water 1 cup boltcutters
-
Cold House
14Police at the scene the next day couldn't help but notice the embers and ashes seemed particularly warm and inviting, as they clutched their...
-
The Big Moment
29He assured them all this normally never happens. They nodded and nodded and nodded.
-
A Delightful New Language Program...
697Available in French, Spanish, Italian or German, this wonderful learning program comes in 4 video cassette tapes, 2 audio cassette tapes, an...
-
Check Up
10A second opinion wound up uncovering three polyps and a loose hangnail, but his HMO didn't cover anything. A third opinion wound up...
-
Night Terrors
12He should try that Uberman sleep diet I've heard so much about. Apparently, you just get your body used to sleeping for several 20-minute...
-
Black Out
24Even worse, it was the Avatar alien edition of the product, so Tim's shame was colored in a sad blueish hue.
-
Up the Chimney
22The smell of burning Clausflesh wafted into the night air, smoke pumping from the crackling chimney like a nuclear silo. It was days before...
-
Christmas Memories ‘94
9It's at least better than the old JVC piece of crap he had, where you had to plug the camera directly into the VCR and record onto a blank...
-
Worst Toy Ever
11Yes Junior, the gift does, in fact, stink. But you get used to the smell. Then you get used to the screaming at 3 AM. Then, you get used to...
-
Rebel Without a Claus
21They found his paramour in a truck stop south of the border, with five bricks of candy cane hash taped to her stomach and three more...
-
A Christmas Wish
8Christmas Week begins at 5sf with a trip to Santa's lap. And a brief foray into the wonderful lies that children tell to make us buy the DS...
-
Christmas Comes Back
122Even in our darkest times, there will be someone to light the way. This Christmas, Albino-Martyr SantaChrist is that someone.
-
Digging to China
121Last week, they found cherry bombs in a kid's shoes at the airport. There's a connection here, but you won't hear about it from the...
-
Video Dad
13As with all their shoots, Karen was stuck holding the boom pole. Sometimes figuratively, and that's on tape too, by the by.
-
Why We Cry
607Everything came flooding back. Summers in the mountains of Germany. That night in the gondola, during the Festival of Lights. The next...
-
5sf Gets an Intern
90Next time they hire someone, they better go through me first. I at least want to the see the resume, so we know what kind of person we're...
-
Vocabulario Explosivo
15They teach this video as part of Advanced Spanish in public high schools. I can't imagine why we're only ranked 26th in the world in most...
-
Guilt Trip
15His next postcard came from Mexico City. "I'm probably going to die here, just so you know," he wrote. He signed it with a :/ and never...
-
The Proposal
20They eventually got married anyway, but only on her insistence that the wedding take place entirely inside her mouth. Those who managed to...
-
Mother’s Milk
17In fact, don't turn on the shower or flush the toilet or use the sink, because the baby needs the breast milk there too.
-
ZMT: Celebrity News
17In this episode of totally in-your-face celeb newsgossip, we track down P!nk and scream at her while she waits at a traffic light! Then we...
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Narcoleptic’s Nightmare
24The next one involves Chucky chasing him down on a giant lawnmower. The one after that puts him back in prison with the lawnmower, and...
-
Bowflex
58Kelsey snapped up from her desk, suddenly awake. A blank, errant post-it note was stuck to her cheek. Her hand still gripped a pen, the ink...
-
Bananajam!
66Man, that sweet prank totally went off without a hitch! Not like the one he tried last week, where he put alka-seltzer in his friend's gas...
-
Bad Delivery
26The All-American Burger delivery guy isn't much better. He just shows up with his buddies, shoots your parents, takes over your house,...
-
Pregnancy Test
32Unfortunately, she got really lazy and it wound up being a miscarriage when she wasn't paying attention. She shrugged indifferently and...
-
New Teacher’s Nickname
19Randall managed to stick around campus for a few more weeks, until he was ejected for visiting a Chuck E. Cheese without an accompanying...
-
A Thanksgiving Pardon
20The apocalypse was swift. Tears flowed like wine and the sirens could barely be heard over the screaming. Children were ripped from their...
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Bad Pickup Line #37
20Upon hearing the actual punchline, they came right back and ravished him with caresses and coos. "More pet puns!" They moaned with aching...
-
Worker’s Comp
19What the shooter doesn't know is that this guy is responsible for giving him that embarrassing porn DVD at last year's white elephant...
-
Serious Meeting
18Their plan hit a snag when it became apparent that Frank wasn't the company note-taker. As everyone was being Frank, no notes were taken and...
-
The Classics
17I know you're thinking what I'm thinking: How on earth are his fingers strong enough to support his torso laterally like that and still play...
-
Just Because
67It is, however, a bank holiday. And her father was a banker, before a donkey kicked him in the solar plexus and killed him on impact. He...
-
Picking the Pocket of the Heart
19The first rule of pickpocketing is to get away fast. But you can't outrun your needs forever.
-
Never Forget
19Staff Sgt. William Blakewell emerged from that foxhole refreshed and ready for battle. He mowed down infantry after infantry,...
-
Derek Is Actually Pissed
20Derek's a hard one to read sometimes, but his best friend can always see right through him, no matter what he says to the contrary.
-
Tough Times
22Friends don't let friends do any less than 5 sets of 10 reps.
-
Shady Business
24He's among the cheaper "Incentive Hires," but if you beat him, you get the power-up you need to defeat Wood Mouth.
-
Zit
39Once you pop, the fun don't stop.
-
The Dating Game
60Oh, but it's not a game anymore.
-
Roommate Etiquette
623They wound up not being that much alike, but the school board of hospitality paired them up in the dorms years ago when they both listed...
-
The Awkward Return
638It's going to be difficult, coming to terms with how hard Jeffy threw him years ago. But maybe someday, they'll reach an understanding. Not...
-
Discovering the Internet
82Fittingly, the Star-Child is just a baby version of Justin Bieber, but with slightly broader shoulders.
-
Closet Republican
44It's your civic duty to choose how you want to get fucked. Wear that "I Voted" sticker with pride, you slut.
-
Wolfman’s Hangover
103Worley eventually filed this as work-related research for writing on "Terriers," and got a sizeable tax deduction for all the Her Pleasure...
-
Blowjob Machine
98Ripoff. It doesn't even cradle the balls.
-
Campfire Stories
40"He's got his audience by the short-and-curlies! Why, they're positively scared stiff! As they should be...STDs are no laughing matter....
-
Return Policy
30"Is your murder machine having a misfortunate malfunction? You know what they say...the first cut is the cheapest! O, but let's give our...
-
Frigid
48"Talk about putting your problems on ice! But if this cool customer doesn't stay frosty, he might get thrown in the cooler by the long arm...
-
Burn the Witch
128"Things are really heating up for poor Kelsey, aren't they? Just thinking about her fiery fate gives me the chills! Wait, that doesn't make...
-
Hour of Terror
71"Ah! Hello, weary traveler, and welcome to 5-Second Films' Halloween Week! I'll be your ghoulish guide for all the kookiness and all the...
-
Exclusive Chilean Miner Interview
57Getting a reality show on E! Entertainment about your family's ca-razy hijinks is a lot easier if you don't broadcast your intentions to do...
-
Macho Man Randy Conscience: On...
31Turns out your adult conscience manifests itself as the most innocuous memory possible from your childhood, and proceeds to harp on you...
-
Enlargenze
61They learned all too quick the side effects of prolonging a relationship past its breaking point just for the sex. The side effects were...
-
Jackass 3D.5
56It's the first instance of 3D Rear Projection ever attempted.
-
Make a Wish
716Astronomers reported an unusually large caliber over the southern region of the surrounding area. Bystanders who were lucky enough to catch...
-
Captain Mass Transit
44His boundless enthusiasm fooled cops into thinking he really had a Day Pass. With great power comes great irresponsibility, they say.
-
Spin the Bottle
58You'd think brandishing a broken bottle would make the kissing even hotter. You'd be ____________
-
The Boyfriend Hit
74His facebook status now reads "It's Complicated," with "No one." Then your monitor bursts into flames after five seconds.
-
Deflated
32Nor, in fact, were there multiple "suckers" to say "so long" to. Later on, he went to the coffee shop and gave them incorrect change, and...
-
Quiet House
26Saying "Shhhhhhh" only makes it worse. Or better, depending on your perspective.
-
Attack of the 50ft Kelsey
54She's gonna have to shop at the Big & Tall store. Or Ross Dress-For-Less, whichever she hasn't absent-mindedly crushed first.
-
Shed a Little Light
56Dan returned the black light to the party store the next day. When they asked him why he was bringing the item back, he just stared at them....
-
Never Under
116Why, might you ask, was his friend standing there watching him take a shit? If you don't know the answer to this question, you've A) never...
-
Remember This
20The original ending involved Rick and Ilsa running away laughing as Victor Bonszlo was gunned down in the plane by mimes. Needless to say,...
-
Homeless Baby
38wHy LIe? iTs FoR BaBY FoRMulA.
-
The Hard Goodnight
49As he stopped for gas, in the untraceable car his client provided, he noticed something odd. No one was there to take his money at the pump....
-
Pyramid Security Systems
43You can never be too safe when it comes to protecting your organ vases. Although every client they've ever worked for has reported missing...
-
Dirty Laundry
25Just to clarify: No, there isn't a single appliance at the 5sf House that doesn't talk. Yes, they've unionized.
-
One Week Anniversary
24What followed was an argument, followed by a groping, five promises, a new cutesy shared catchphrase, two bittersweet memories, an attempt...
-
The Montana Wars
137Okay, so maybe The History Channel ran out of actual history and started to make shit up. But you can't deny, this is just as plausible as...
-
The Pearly Gates
343I guess you could say he's...(puts on angel wings) knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's Doors. HEAVENLYYYYYYYY CHORUSSSSSSSS
-
Old Joke, New Technology
43To get them to agree to a second date, you have to take a pop-up quiz with a bunch of stupid questions like "Do I look fat in this?" and...
-
Bedtime for Bonzo
28They couldn't get the clown ambulance to the clown hospital on time, since Bippo, Zoopy, Flim-Flam, Jecky and Stokes all insisted on doing...
-
Maximus Lonelinus
113Are you not entertained? We could go somewhere else, if you are not entertained...no, it's okay, I want you to have a good time. It didn't...
-
Walking Phoenix
32You can also get Jumping Phoenix and Hunched Over a Mirrored Coffee Table Phoenix to complete your set!
-
Finishing Move
24If you mash that same combo of buttons during the "Winners Don't Use Drugs" screen before the game starts up, it unlocks a secret character:...
-
Ready to Blow
74I need more time, dammit! Preferably 3-5 minutes, perhaps more depending on whether I just woke up or not!
-
Pussy Note
30I actually had to go to work that morning, but I chose to let my car sit there in that spot, just so my neighbor could see my handiwork. I...
-
The Gunslinger
30The Jug of Booze With No Name wasn't a really good moniker, so the townsfolk just call him Randy.
-
Club House Rules
610Don't get caught in a water trap. It's pure vodka.
-
Driver’s Test
759When I failed my driver's test the first time, I was pretty upset. People younger than me were driving already, and I was denied access to...
-
News Room
27Perhaps in a desperate bid to retain viewership (okay, definitely in a desperate bid to retain viewership), producers of Channel 5 Action...
-
Honest Busker
25His cover of Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, I'm Extremely Rich" is pretty pedestrian. But the acoustics make everything sound better down...
-
Slave Driver
30Casual Fridays involve stripping naked, spinning in a gyroscope, having purple juice injected into your wrists, and being assimilated by a...
-
Practice Makes Perfect
47If you train hard enough, you can even lick your butt just like a cat, except that's really more for your benefit than the girl's. Or...
-
The Best Breakup Line Ever
84It's as if the invisible, universal force that tossed him the sunglasses just knew...that last one was IT.
-
Rumble in the Jungle
41Late one night, lightning struck a modern art and design gallery in SoHo. The centerpiece of the foyer, a giant chair, was missing come...
-
Voodoo Slide Whistle
855Misplaced revenge for Kelsey's extreme boner kill last week? Perhaps.
-
The Future of Cinema
32Even in the future, your dad won't hook up the cables right and the spaceships will kill you at a punishingly un-cinematic 60i framerate.
-
Bad Catnip
49Is C-Pain really dead? It's up to you. All you have to do is never make another Horatio Caine / CSI: Miami / Sunglasses pun. And maybe, just...
-
Snack Time
35The break room's also got ping-pong, pinball, billiards, shuffleboard, and a wall to hit your head against over and over. Guess which gets...
-
Big Bob’s BBQ Beans
37A lot of the beans slip through the cracks of the grill, bein' beans 'n' all. We use all them ashy beans to ward off our cockroach problems...
-
Bonerkill 9000
41Her gaze is enough to ice any tall one. But this morning, she tangoed with the wrong dude-tube.
-
Deliverance
23They've been dueling ever since their wagon train broke down on that foggy mountain.
-
Sidewalk Find
37The previous owner continued to get calls from his Craigslist ad "PLEASE DESTROY THIS AND TAKE IT AWAY!! $20 OBO" for days afterward. He...
-
Just a Game
68But you know what's not a game? The pain that was caused when (insert bluster, overly fawning phone call, some kind of Hitler reference)
-
Hot Day
20Behold, the first 5sf documentary ever filmed.
-
Pimp My Ride
19Hide the Jiffy Lube.
-
Bark! Bark!
664It actually carries so far, you can get better reception with it than AT&T. Although that doesn't count for much.
-
Chick Magnet
32While reverse polarity does repel butterfaces from the field, it does in fact attract bros, so be warned if you're tired of watching...
-
As Seen On TV
37Each iteration of TV pitchman Jon Worley gets more and more "HD." So yeah, fuckin' buy it already because it's HD, you stupid,...
-
Deodorant Show-Off
33He had pineapple shrimp curry for lunch anyway, so his breath just cancelled out the whole intended effect.
-
Rock Star Remnant
39Expect a call from Simmons' lawyers about "breach of remembering which facepaint is mine" or some bullshit like that.
-
DUI
28His charming way of twisting the English language even got the judge to laugh his way into a full pardon. Didn't say he was from Chico, or...
-
Brian’s 25th B-Day Bash
30Note to self: Do not set a cat on fire outside a gas station while gargling methamphetamines to the tune of 50 Cent's "In My Hood," ever...
-
On Closer Inspection
30Her super baby wound up shooting laser beams out of its hands, decapitating the doctors cleanly and painlessly. When she told her baby that...
-
The Ol’ “Snakes in a...
33Marks Toys sold these "Snake'm Prank'm Cans" for one glorious summer in 1984, and ever since they discontinued production, it's become...
-
Last Words
28His will left his AHHHHHHH to his GGGBBBBB(radio static). The family lawyer could do nothing about it.
-
Barry Ouelette’s Video Resume
54Frustrated at the lack of job opportunities for skilled lovers who've been around the block a few times and know a few things about life...
-
Tuition Aide
26He then walked around from party to party, despondent at the lack of female attention, until he noticed another flyer tacked to a telephone...
-
End Zone
62When your field is the San Diego Comic-Con, the "money play" involves a shy Asian girl in a Princess Leia Slave Bikini and a photocopied...
-
A Warning From the Future
26Sure, these guys wound up in a murder-filled Kill Paradox when last they invented time travel, but all that can be ameliorated with a few...
-
The Nutritionist
133Faster than a cayenne pepper-inspired bowel movement. More powerful than a fish diet rich in anti-oxidants! Able to leap tall stacks of...
-
Test Notes
73Mrs. Blaumfgartner coughed loudly, and with a purpose. Her eyes were staring directly at the student in the back of the class. The...
-
Dude Magnet
29She read "The Game." She knows what's up. Now it's time to select a mark from the group, demonstrate her value, establish kino, and ditch...
-
Absence of the Towels
1010It gets the towel from the bedroom. It does this whenever it's hungover.
-
What Mel Gibson Said
17As you can see, it takes us a little while to savage pop culture news so excellently, because getting the perfect joke is just worth it....
-
Meet Paul
619He'll steal your heart. He'll tug your gag reflex. He'll command himself to literally, actually, truly throw up on your arm, as he's capable...
-
Peekaboo’s End
44Gaze upon my works, ye mighty, and make googly sounds.
-
My Best Fiend
732Their rivalry was born out of a severe self-hatred and a particularly masochistic therapist.
-
Hamlet
163Well, it's better than the Mel Gibson version, don't you agree? No seriously, you have to agree now. Starring Peter Stormare!
-
WoW Date
61All the slashfic they created together, all the gruff in-game cybering, all the obscured n00dz they sent each other - it all changed. Well,...
-
Boo-rrito
36The government's plan to weaponize food items by making them act like Boo from the Mario Bros. games was going well, until one specimen got...
-
Advanced Laser Tag Techniques:...
27For the low price of $39.99 a month, and the moderate displeasure of sitting through some pre-roll ads for Rosetta Stone language software,...
-
Worst Date Ever?
4If you have to ask, don't. If you don't have to ask, go away.
-
Piece for Peace
95Flower Power meets Fire Power. No buzz will be left un-harshed. Featuring Peter Stormare!
-
The One
229Can't poke holes in an IUD. Unless you're a crafty one.
-
Camping
29Raised by a fearsome father named Fo-to in the "Sha-hp" Clan, the young beast learned to stalk his unsuspecting prey by setting "keyframes"...
-
How To Do a Somersault
39Bustin' out a sweet 'sault is easy when you follow three simple steps. Not these steps, or this location, or in the presence of a cat in a...
-
Survivor
31Their love was hot, contagious, and took place in a zone of sorts, not unlike the Ebola Zaire-themed novel "The Hot Zone."
-
Irresponsible Patriot
29The combustibility of Premium brand beer is in sharp contrast to beers with low kerosene content, like your garden-variety pilsners or your...
-
Sex Kitten
819He seemed so innocent when she got him at the pound. Little did she know he was raised by whores. Nice whores, mind you, just whores who...
-
Cool Kids
44They're cool about fire safety. They recycle, reduce, reuse, and close the loop. But when it comes to having fun and being safe, elbow pads...
-
Guess Who?
28Most any board game can be used to work out your relationship issues, except Don't Wake Daddy. Unless that's your issue right there.
-
Not OK!
25A source close to Kelsey says, "He's a Leo, which contrasts with her sign. She wants a baby and he can't commit. He's jealous of her fame...
-
Brian and Grampa Plate
29If you put him in the dishwasher, he'll get really angry, but if you wash him by hand, he'll start telling you the same war stories over and...
-
Another Ruined Dinner
75Ben wound up losing 10 pounds that night, but it was all sugar-water weight.
-
Unbeatable
30Yes, yes, we know. 2 video game-related 5-second films in a row?! But such is the power of sweet, sweet games. We love games! GIVE US MOAR...
-
Playing With Power
9664They were victims of Super Bigorexia 64, and doctors soon weaned them off the juice by playing 8-bit racing games. Then, shitty movie tie-in...
-
Chance Encounter
27They even got him to autograph their divorce settlement with his kidney.
-
Foreplay
31He walks around, finding girls from subway stations to park benches, handing out cards that advertise his ability to provide "Honey, Rose...
-
Handicapable
26Jan's Weirdling abilities extended further, allowing her to cook Rice-A-Roni 1.5x faster and to always have a classic Milton Berle joke on...
-
Ap-athy
25Mrbleh, I'm waiting until they release a version that does glassless 3-D by tracking your head. Playing Doodlejump would be sweet with that...
-
A BP Oil Executive Gets Iced
1272Had British Petroleum bothered to research the "Bros Icing Bros" phenomenon, this horrible disaster could have been averted. Sadly, their...
-
Hipster Balloon
41sky captains log, cloud date #whatever. discovered 500 obscure new bands from overhead. our new goal will be to try and circle around the...
-
Magnum π
60Most of the time, he just shakes mathletes down for drug money. This is the most action he's gotten in weeks.
-
Beach Party
29If you google image search "Electrocuted Surfer Corpse," he's the 4th thing to come up. Right behind three pictures of naked chicks.
-
Physical Therapy
37The paramedics found him later, having stolen Dr. Halfstaff's scrubs and assorted medical equipment. He was trying to choke himself a bit...
-
Metal Detector
737It's just another wacky day in the life of the (slightly) underground metal cover duo, Enter Sandmen.
-
Nothing to Eat
30Mischevio the Fridgegnome was out of ammo after that. He tried using the two-year-old hot sauce in the upper shelf of the fridge door, but...
-
Hungover Barbershop Quartet
643Their gig at Rudy's Senior Discount Summer Nights Bash got really out of hand. D'Artagnan did a keg stand off of the barbasol tank, Jensen...
-
The Big Move
796Moving in a SmartCar makes you 140x better at Tetris. In some cases, you can even drive into the elevator and park right outside your new...
-
Rat Trap
42In order to make the parts necessary for an oversized trap, the rats gathered together in the shape of a human, clambered into a suit, and...
-
New to the Neighborhood
14547The community frowned on his coaching the little league baseball team, particularly since their name was the Willing Duplicates.
-
A Fat Kid Mulls His Options
37After this, it's time to pick a pair of cargo shorts, Tivas, and trim the facial hair until only the neckbeard remains unshaven. And then...
-
First Date
28Later, she examined her stomach to find that it turned into a swirling vortex of early-90's CG flesh balls. Rousselet's flying golden head...
-
Ask a Lobster
21266Send a self-addressed envelope with appropriate postage to ASK A LOBSTER, Chicago IL, 60652. Questions will be answered in the order they...
-
Hey Kids!
32135Mr. Silly jerks off to this video when he's on one of his Xanax jags.
-
Maria Gets Dumped
49They proceeded to trip balls over a quart of Cherry Garcia, while Orianthi blasted in the background like an underwater funeral dirge and...
-
Hold For Plane
21TIME Magazine called it "The Neatest, Tidiest, Quietest Horrifying Plane Tragedy of All Time," but it still ate up entire seconds of filming...
-
Welcome to Chico! Pts. 11-15
58People were actively trying to stop Sminkle from making tourism ads at this point - some going as far as baking cupcakes with "Don't Do It"...
-
Attention Shoppers
637In case you were wondering, yes, the grocery store clerk really is saying a complete, grammatically correct sentence over the intercom. Any...
-
Pest Control
665The cockroach then held Rousselet's prized beer collection at knifepoint, and quizzed him on whether the transformation was an example of...
-
Sell Cycle
29Ever since GE merged with GM, salesmen have been trying hard to move these hybrid vehicles off the lot.
-
The Legend Continues
43R.P. is wanted by police in 24 states. But not as much as he wants them.
-
This Film Is Not Yet Rated
29Ever wonder what happened to that little THX robot handyman with the jetpack? Rouss has him tied up and buried alive underneath the 20th...
-
Stitchy Finger
33The last time a vicious cycle like this got started, Jon came home with a pet rhino which laid eggs in Brian's chest, fully incubating three...
-
A Message From the Future
26This, in turn, led to a very testy argument between Ben and Peter that only got angrier and loudier and gunnier, until Peter shot his gun in...
-
Street Cleaning Day
37Based on a true story. Except instead of the ticket saying "I Love You," it said "$60.00" and "We Need to Talk."
-
Be Cool
147Silver Spring County Jail is about to get a whole lot classier.
-
Compliment Taser
88There's a setting for Backhanded Compliments, if all you want to do is briefly disarm your assailant/frenemy, but no one ever, ever uses it.
-
Target Practice
40He's got a license...to miss. "MISS, LIKE THIS 5SF DID!" There, beat you to it. "I'LL BEAT YOU TO YOUR FACE!" Is that some kind of threat?...
-
Don’t Sinko Into De Struction
131On the next episode of "Intervention," a neglected black cat, an underpaid mariachi band and friends convene to save Jon and Brian from...
-
Not Just Older, But Cooler Too
38Launched in the wake of Joe Camel, this ad campaign was intended to rebrand cigarettes for a new era. One where they're totally fuckin'...
-
This Trash
37It's kind of his default question for everything. Last week, he was at an intersection and his light turned green right as Bon Jovi's "Dead...
-
Glass Ceiling
42It all started when Kelsey floated into the break room one day and found Olivia and Johnny Blaze laughing. Some joke about a bear, in a bar...
-
Haircut
139I'm always one to dig up an old gag from Milton Berle's Private Joke File, so as you can no doubt imagine, I'm quite familiar with the taste...
-
Rescue Mission
31Jonathan "Jack" Blaze was a man of integrity. A traveler of the cosmos. A skeleton.
-
The Lie
45"I'm ten horses," Nick failed to realize, was actually an elaborate acronym, which stood for "It's My True Embodiment, Nick - Horses, Or...
-
For the Last Time…Don’t...
42It happens every day. Rousselet opens up the mirrored medicine cabinet, gets out his Cialis, closes the cabinet door - and reveals his...
-
Courteous Driver
37His DMV test was a hellride of Machiavellian twists, turns, human speed bumps, exploded raccoons, fermented rubber and overuse of turn...
-
Bitter
30Breakups and juicers are a dangerous combo. A tasty combo. A dangerously tasty combo. The taste of danger. Danger tastes bitter.
-
Urban Development
40Disaster struck, tragically, when one of the foremen told Wrecker to "Stay still," and Wrecker got excited, thinking a treat was in store....
-
New Movie
733The only way to bounce back from a major buzzkill like this is to put on some palm tree sunglasses (so no-one notices your cataracts) and...
-
An Astronaut and a Bear Walk Into a...
76...order a few drinks, get into a rocketship and go to Planet Bear. Yeah. Now you know why the bouncer threw them out.
-
Best. Concert. Ever.
33Some people just want to fill the world with silly love songs. Macca looks around and sees demons that need to be cleansed from the Earth.
-
Flashback Park
126Those paper-saving air dryers never get your hands completely dry. Starring Brian McElhaney and Nick Kocher from BriTANicK!
-
Lost Cat. Answers To:
99His foolish pride now served as his greatest folly. The whole night he would wander the dangerous, boot- and laser-filled streets of Silver...
-
It’s Not WW2. It’s HBO.
132Truman's plan to just wait for the whole DVD set to come out proved effective, though many lives were lost when the Germans double-dipped...
-
The Plagiarist
814Some may accuse us of being joke thieves. Well, it goes both ways, and all we can say is, don't walk in our park and we won't walk in yours....
-
Jackpot
158Coincidentally, these guys wound up being the last three people on Chatroulette, ever. Because then the internet exploded.
-
Gentleman Caller
132She reached for the check, in an attempt to at least make up for the awkwardness that was more or less her fault. But then he insisted on...
-
Political Satire
29The trenchant wit of 5-Second Films, LLC is finally unleashed unto the rich, fertile soil of political satire. And lo, what fruits do our...
-
Call a Doctor if Effects Last...
61Side effects may include commenting about Olivia. Consult your doctor, especially if he has hot nurses.
-
Whisper Quiet
705All their mom wanted was for Allen to find a home. But they wound up finding something even better...each other. Starring Nick Kocher and...
-
The May Rebellion
25Even still, the coming months were pretty booked for them. Cholera in November, midwifing throughout February. They should have just rented...
-
Brian and Boxcar Read 5sf Comments
76This April Fool's Day, enjoy our crack at a shitty, shitty website prank as Boxcar the Telekat and Brian read to you some choice comments...
-
Welcome to Chico! Pts. 6-10
1465The Chico Department of Publicity actually tried to pay Officer Sminkle to stop making these ads, but he persisted under the delusion that...
-
Brian Finally Gets Mike’s...
91I don't typically understand jokes related to the Reconstruction (particularly the election of 1872), and I especially don't when I've had a...
-
Bad Daydream at Work
25They proceeded to get in a long argument over whether she was still dreaming, which dovetailed into a knock-up, drag-sideways discussion...
-
Good Times
51Most of it will, sadly, involve "Erin E-Surance" cosplay. Purple wigs don't come cheap.
-
Poison Soup
30The appetizers range from the relatively cheap Rejection Letter From A Longtime Girlfriend to the more pricey Parents Telling You the...
-
A Farewell to Arms
766No man gets left behind. Or too much teeth.
-
Lost Dog
33Sir Victor von Pugglesworth was crowned a Lord in the year of our Queen 1685. To be reduced to a common streetwalker - simply because his...
-
Sleepy Ben
656The healthcare bill passed. Don't tell Sleepy Ben. He won't hear you, he's too busy sleeping! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-
Mendoza’s Game
61The clock was ticking. The killer had 6 scrolls left for Mendoza to find. And his hostage, Walter "The Wizard" Scoggins, was held hostage in...
-
Marital Hearing
21After a forty-hour marathon session, the Committee finally came to a thoughtful, 342-page agreement on the division and usage of the family...
-
Soaking Vengeance
70Frankovski Paulsonivich felt his heart beating like the Soviet hammer. His breath was hot in the death-cold rain and his gun was heavy with...
-
Barry
62Being a centruck ain't easy. First off all, you don't clear any drive-thru overhang, so that perk is history. Second, all your friends hit...
-
Man’s Best Friend
33He's faithful. He's trustworthy. He's here to guide you through puberty with a firm paw and a strong sense of virtue.
-
Jenny Quickdeath Identifies the...
714And it was. It was good enough for him. His report even said so: "Good enough for me." It was the shortest report ever and it made no sense.
-
The Ballad of Truck Thunders
175His brother, always one to try and copy Truck's genius with wordplay, had his name legally changed to "Ama Pan," but never found the chance...
-
The Midas Touch
112When you grow up putting Digiorno's into your sister's Easy-Bake Oven, every day you spend alive is kind of a small miracle.
-
Jon Worley Gives a Speech
164Worse yet, he was trying to tie it into a pitch for the Chop-Wow.
-
And The Winner Is…
100The Steeries, often referred to the industry as "the Super Bowl for sleep apnea sufferers," are sadly overshadowed by the Crushies, which...
-
The Blue Side
31The inspirational, feel-good, lift you up, happy smiley tears, oh-look-honey-the-sun-is-wearing-sunglasses, coke-bottle-in-your-hand movie...
-
Precious: Based on What We Heard...
29Mzxlpltxzyl always opens up meta-reality portals to punishingly bleak urban melodramas, and C-Pain always jumps in them. What am I supposed...
-
Up (The First 10 Minutes)
94Pixar does it again. Enabling an entire subsection of society that's steeped in delusion about death and pros at bone preservation.
-
Inglourious Pranksters
16A Prankster's work is never done, at least until his girlfriend asks him why he thinks carving into blackout drunks' heads is still cool...
-
An Education
20Oscar Week begins with our take on the story of a young girl with a heart full of love to give, and a bedroom packed with ways to exploit...
-
Party Trick
18I know what some of you might say. "How could any party be lame with Kelsey and Olivia there?" Well, they were talking about Spanx for the...
-
Bring Your Child to Work Day
790He'd rather be slashing the mayor's tires or be playing Pokemon: Petty Larceny, but this at least gets him out of school for the day.
-
Welcome to Chico! Pts. 1-5
91When the Chico Department of Publicity hired their most trustworthy cop, Officer Sminkle, to do a series of promotional tapes back in '93,...
-
Neighborly
729He's like the Neal Cassady of Filipino-town, offering lacksadaisical wisdom and profoundly simple truths while never ever giving up a single...
-
Fart Joke
138In the ER, he comforted himself with the thought of at least sparing the world another actual fart joke. And then he died.
-
Truman Capote’s...
59Nothing can prepare you for the moment where Perry the Parrot's neck snaps right as the rope pulls taut, and he swings back and forth like a...
-
Setting the Mood
114His favorite band is...wait for it...wait for it...__________________ (guess)
-
A Perfectly Innocent Question
41The fact that some people out there may not know the answer to this question the second they hear it is probably the same reason why cougars...
-
Does Waterboarding Work?
40They're just not quite doing it how Mom used to do it. The drowning effect requires that "Mom" touch, y'know?
-
A Day That Will Live in Infamy
21Bernanke rescinded his status as Foreign Policy Magazine's Number 1 Global Thinker, and proceeded to take a long hot bath with a sharp knife...
-
The Million Dollar Proposal of...
73It's still a better date flick than Valentine's Day, particularly since the filmmakers don't skimp on the nudity here.
-
‘The Twilight Saga:...
218DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS A SCREENING FOR NEGLECTED OLDER WOMEN WHO IRONICALLY HAVE A WEIRD THING FOR UNDERAGE WEREWOLVES ONLY.
-
The Last College Payment
26Life is like a box of student loans. You never know how much DNA you have to sell to pay 'em off.
-
Fruit Slam! (With Director’s...
75For once, we'll let the artists speak about their work in this exclusive, fascinating roundtable discussion about the highly controversial...
-
Overworked, Underpaid
126She's just a big sunshiny ball of rainbows and orderliness, right when you walk in the door. The coffee is strong but sweet and the copier...
-
Now Broadcast in HD
598Some people watch for the commercials. Some people watch because they rigged it and want to collect big. Me, I watch for the thunderous...
-
Like Kobe, Or California
25Ever since he was a kid and Moloch the Genie granted him a wish for "NBA Jam to be like real life," he's had to deal with this on and off....
-
The Marriage Counselor
23His buttery voice makes the $500-an-hour thing go down like Cherry Pepsi with a side of pre-nup.
-
‘Lost’ Writer’s...
1443The plane. The island. The smoke monster. The last ten plot twists. The last fifty cliffhangers. Each one made out of delicious, succulent...
-
Rent Time
19Say what you want about all the pounding, Jerry really cleans up after himself and generally pays his rent on time. Particularly since we've...
-
5sf Presents: Goat Trip
38It's a trip they'll never forget when Duane, Hopper and Mark barge it to TJ for some tail...literally! With 15 minutes of untamed, unrated,...
-
Emo Cowboys
118Better than having to sit through yet another creative writing class filled with their bad poetry about tumbleweeds. Harsh, but true.
-
Creative Counseling
37Falling in love with your relationship counselor is typical, particularly when he comes in such a soft, rich, luxurious velour.
-
Liver Say Die
26Ever since the liver lost a majority share in the company, his needs are being met less and less. His contract states that he still has to...
-
Blank CD in a Microwave
643They really sold out with their second album. Just a bunch of screamo radio fodder. Great tracks on this first record, though.
-
The Warden’s Toupee
106Never give giant, sentient balls of hair three months of detail working in the metal shop. They're too crafty.
-
Booyakasha
79The littlest things seem to warrant the biggest fanfare to him. Like for example, last week he turned on his windshield wipers, and with an...
-
Race the Light
121Hennipen County PD was getting a lot of complaints about the ethics involved in having a security camera catch traffic violations. So they...
-
Space Garage
21Cleaning your space garage is easy. Saying goodbye to beloved friends is hard. Make your choice.
-
A Chilling Revelation
28Some secrets are so shocking, not even the coolest appliances can keep from commenting.
-
Zzafari
11The females of their species tend to go crazy if you show up dressed particularly sharp. We suggest a non-aggressive pair of inexpensive...
-
Remote
18And what's worse, it always purloins the loose change under the cushions and comes back with black market DVDs and Cuban stogies.
-
Dealbreaker Jones
166He's bad. He's mad. He's one cat who can't be had. He's the most untrustworthiness, scurviest, deal-makin', steal-takin' bag of bones. We're...
-
Blurry Beer
18Those hipsters will drink anything if cokemachineglow.com tells them that Xiu Xiu is drinking it.
-
Brian Shaves an Arrow on His Chest
39Based on a true story, just like "The Blind Side." Also, contains more murder than "The Blind Side."
-
Panic Order
48Still better than Indian food.
-
Locked Inside
26Whenever the gang gets snowed inside, they always break out the stories. What mirthful flashbacks of whimsy and well-spent youth! And yes,...
-
Fantasy Football
111For those of you wondering why the Dungeon Master is throwing the dice, this isn't Dungeons & Dragons. It's Fantasy Football, and he's the...
-
A Certain Romance
757They met at a T.G.I. Friday's. She was at a business dinner, he was busy shooting off fireworks. A Roman Candle grazed her Jack Daniel's...
-
Mr. Silly
17Episode 512: At his wit's end with this kiddie show crap, Mr. Silly retreats to his master chambers to drink straight rye and smoke...
-
Time to Feed Baby
27They still managed to land the plane successfully on the tongue, and did a talk-show circuit in the long intestine. Their quickly-produced,...
-
Countdown
32As the year comes to a close, it's time to look at the ones around you, cherish that your friendships have lasted so long, and seriously...
-
Choose Your Own Adventure
85Naturally, you'll cut open a vital artery trying to slice the tomato and you'll die on the next page. These books always taught you a lot...
-
Zanderflex: Late For the Bus
30Because if she IS late, Zanderflex ain't goin' to no Planned Parenthood. He's goin' to 'ZAND PARENTHOODqwycbdjnskwqu7d9g!f
-
The Day Before Yesterday When...
116They need to get their heads out of the past and start thinking about their futures as human relations consultants for a zombie marketing...
-
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
61It's the thought of the endless, infinite, terrible stretch of Grants that counts.
-
Naughty
102He snipes you when you're stealing, he knows when you're not breathing.
-
Old Flame
18it was the winter of '69. change was in the air. also the flu. Trina and Mark didn't hit it off right away, she was too busy with her social...
-
Reason for the Season
32And he did. He went to Hell.
-
Claus and Susan’s Last Stand
14First you get the candy. Then, you get the gifts. Then, you get the women.
-
Christmas is Coming Again
22Some people will do anything to avoid being lonely during the holidays. Warm up the cocoa for Christmas Week.
-
Battle for Loser Mountain
18Wind erosion, as it turns out, has a child's sense of humor.
-
Surprise Party
32This is what happens when you win an entire set of appliances on a game show. They're all conditioned to think you like this kind of shit on...
-
Cut to Commercial
29Neighbors reported hearing some scattered, forced laughter, a heartwarming family lesson learned, and a mighty "EURRUHHH???" sounding over...
-
Meanwhile, in Kansas…
241It seems like an epidemic of Hilarious Wind is sweeping the nation, isn't it? Scientists are hard at work to discover the key to this...
-
Drafty
114Contrary to popular belief, you can't get killed in the war from letting a draft in. It's being in close spaces around all those other...
-
Dye Job
614You don't want to see what they do when they need extensions. Most can't handle the sight of all the blood.
-
That Time of Year Again
17It's only time to call Poison Control when he starts busting out the Bailey's nog.
-
Dmitri
31"If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the 'Up' Button." - Sam Levenson
-
1-900-BROTALK
667For just 2.99 every 10 minutes, you can ditch your bitch for a while, snag a frosty tall one and have some "bro time." These radical dudes...
-
The Party, Last Night
26judging by all the bones left in his partying wake...yep, seems like everyone WAS having a good time!!!!!!1
-
It’s a Vegan! It’s a...
135Faster than an ironically purchased Yugo! More powerful than a hot cup of Chai tea! Able to leap obscure B-sides in a single bound!
-
Blind Man’s Bluff
21Jerry's only alibi released a statement two hours ago, which read "2TYWE RG UA RGW VEukkw jwtviES?" Jerry was promptly arrested.
-
Running on Empty
157This car comes with the additional feature to send out a GPS signal when you're being a hero, and some bros will come pull you, kicking and...
-
Wishbone
102Personally, I'd wish for "Wishbone" to come back to TV, but mega-destruction is a close second.
-
Pitching a Tent
75All he can think of is how good her ex was at camping. Damn you, Mountain Jack!
-
A Thanksgiving Miracle
49Mike E. Peter, Valerie Bertinelli, Jon Worley, Rob Lowe and Ringo the Dog come together to celebrate the joy of love, the power of...
-
Boss Greedwell’s Deathbed...
102Even with their lawyer present to agree that Greedwell's 8-bit Dolby voice made it sound a bit like "MARRY me with my money" (in which case,...
-
Early Diagnosis
25This is what happens when you play in puddles of bullets during recess.
-
Her First Time
113Real friends are there for you. Real friends understand. Real friends know what chemical compounds dissolve human flesh without leaving a...
-
Twilight Interview with the New...
686Don't even show him that one "New Moon" poster with the Hispanic chippendale guys crudely photoshopped onto a sepia forest. He's going to go...
-
Professional Opinion
16However, I do have a bit of experience writing prenuptial agreements, in the event you ever choose to marry again, or live past the next few...
-
Forever Young
88Yay! YAY! Yaaaaaay! YAAAAAAAY!
-
Corporate Accounts Payable
20Their stock skyrocketed immediately thereafter. What you're not seeing is how good he is at taking messages.
-
Ways to Say No (And Still Be Cool)
68For more information on how to be drug-free and radicool, call the Hennipen County Kool Kidz hotline at 1-800-700-6000 or mail in for our...
-
Time Machine
19For those wondering why their future selves didn't just go back further in time before Brian could even think of inventing a time machine:...
-
Family Arcade
59Level 2 gets exponentially harder, where you start having to hide adult magazines under the couch. The robots just instantly know. You start...
-
Lineup 3: Revenge of the Premise
21Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?
-
Apoco-Bots Now
124The best scene is still where the natives slam a huge axe in the back of a G-Drive. They really did that, you know, Coppola just filmed it.
-
First Pitch
21We'll greenlight three sequels, film two and three back-to-back and save the fourth for a few years after so people forget how the first...
-
Flaming Bag of Poop
111Prankin'!
-
The Treasure Toll
22And don't think I'm unaware you're talking to your friend, Sparkle-Dust Fairy Unicorn, on the phone all day! You know I don't like to see...
-
30 Cents to Freedom
24He was invited to compete in the Global Panhandling Tournament, but was forced to leave under suspicion of juicing. His friends will tell...
-
The Malicious Murders of the Farmer...
22We painstakingly restored 12 of the original print's 120 frames.
-
Suicide Hotline
62His self-help book "I'm Not Joking in the Slightest, Just Kill Yourself Right Now" flew off the shelves. It doesn't have any discernible...
-
untitled
100...
-
Trickin’ Treatin’...
43trick or treat, smell my feet / give me something good to eat / if you don't, seriously man, all I was asking for was a little, you can't...
-
The Stepdaughter
25After a few trips to Happy Ranch Family Counseling, Father and Stepdaughter came to an agreement never to confuse terms of endearment with...
-
4 Years Awesome Luck
55Get lost, Furry McMeowerson! And tell your path-crossing cronies I'm coming!
-
Jack’s Flight
14He just wanted to save the rec center with his incredible break-dancing skills. But some people are afraid of high-flying boogaloo moves....
-
Obituary
65Cynthia Onethat Gotaway passed away October 20th, 2009, from complications involving being incredibly beautiful, kind-hearted and...
-
Late For Work
1429From: Chaz Michaelson (boss@newsolutionscorp.com) RE: Job performance Hello Collin, Just wanted to let you know you're up for review. Some...
-
Lineup 2: Electric Boogaloo
15She's going to need 500 more points if she has a snowball's chance in hell of climbing the Aggro-Crag.
-
Aw, Shoot!
714Their young friendship was one borne of circumstance more so than any real connection. Roger simply lived one bus stop away from Dodger, it...
-
Falcon’s Tell
14As a boy, young Falcon was marveled the country over for his incredible truth-telling ability, winding up on shows like "Wife Swap," "The...
-
Dude Bro Party Massacre 3
14Among Cirio H. Santiago's lesser works, Dude Bro Party Massacre 3 featured a whopping 35 exposed man-breasts, a night-time exterior...
-
Little White Lie
1483No, you didn't actually see this 5sf. Keep clicking.
-
Lineup
16The rest of them all partied afterwards at McPrior's.
-
Early Retirement Plan
18I'm making 50,000 stale cheerios a year in a styrofoam bowl. Never thought I'd be making this much money right out of college! And with the...
-
What’s My Name Again?
35He had a very, very short-lived career as a substitute teacher. Although the kids loved him.
-
Das Birdhaüs
29Ich bin ein partystarting! I want to take und ride on your wünder-woodpecker!
-
Sick Kicks
14The paramedics never came. They were all attached to metal poles.
-
Blind Date
424If it turns out she doesn't cotton to George Strait like you ordered, there's always pork rinds for breakfast. It's basically win-win.
-
Meet Cute
119Olivia Taylor Dudley, a recently divorced thirty-something-year-old, has a family that just can't help getting involved in her personal...
-
Is Your Baby Racist?
18He got started in this business the way any baby gets started: A little bit a luck, a helluva lot of self-esteem issues, and a shocking,...
-
The Fabulous Four
77Ah yes, the early 90's. The best time ever to try reading comics.
-
The Thrill is Gone
39They bid farewell into that good night, the streetlamps aglow with the sort of fire that once held a place in their loins; now and forever...
-
Restraining Order
17The judge gave him 50 minutes of community service and a mandatory distance of 10.5 feet. She even looked in the trunk of her car to find a...
-
Obscure Moments in History
22And to think: If graphing calculators existed back then, he'd be too busy playing "Falldown" to have ever invented the atomic bomb.
-
Stealing Home
19Tellingly, the combination wheel to open him includes the numbers 1-40...and an asterisk.
-
Rock Band: Groupie Edition
116You don't want to know where the whammy bar is.
-
Super-Psyched
181Whatever you do, live death to the fullest.
-
S.O.S.
51278Even worse, the pen was manufactured by Help! I'm Marooned on an Island Off the Coast of Beirut, Stationery. Which doesn't make Rouss'...
-
Lover’s Spat
676Yep, it's that first month when you two move into the same airplane hangar that's always fraught with turmoil. Like, who does the dishes...
-
Chessmaster
32One time, on May 13, 1997, late at night, a security guard heard a moaning coming out of the recesses of IBM laboratories. It was Deep Blue....
-
Brock Fronklin, Secret Service...
20Brock, keep noooooooooooooooooooo-ing for that rainbow.
-
meHarmony
21It's free to review your matches-at-first-then-eventual-mortal-enemies-who-have-full-custody. Why wait?
-
Highbrow
19While she could be born with it, It's more than likely that it's Maybelline this time.
-
New Toy
30Warning: This film is Rated R for extreme depictions of brutal, graphic violence, torture, cannibalism and hardcore partying. Children under...
-
Tony and Joey: Keepin’ Kosher
20Come on down to Tony and Joey's, where your car gets pregnant and your sister gets fixed.
-
The Miracle of Life
24They say if you play the Tetris theme over and over to the baby while it's still in the womb, it'll come out smarter and better at stacking...
-
The Quiet Dignity of Dog
18He can see black & white & shades of cynicism inbetween. And can smell stupid from three days ago, four miles away. Any other questions,...
-
Death Ray from Space
83SCIENCE!
-
Harry Potter and the Mid-Life...
22In this thrilling installment in J.K. Rowling's classic fantasy series, Harry signs up for eHarmony, chickens out, then starts getting...
-
Labor Day, Poolside
16Citing the Menial Labor Provisions Code, Article 34729a, which states "Nobody gotta fill up no damn pool on Labor Day, period, especially me...
-
Post-Traumatic Recall
29His bar trick is solid gold, too. The one where he walks out as a hologram with a giant machine gun and asks people to guess which one is...
-
Cuckold
111One o'clock, clock-a-rock, Block-a-bawk-bawk! Four o'one, two-bakka-bawk, Kawkabawk-six! Rockin' clock, clock-a-rock, three-a-Clock-fawk!
-
Going-Away Party
17This party was such a wild night. I finally got up the courage to ask Michelle out on the back porch, and she said "I've been waiting three...
-
The New 911
91None of the stimulus package went to bailing out 911 emergency response services. So they went into the privatized sector. But we have the...
-
World’s Wildest Police...
62It was another normal day in Dayton, Ohio...until trouble struck. A man robbing a liquor store steals a 1995 white SUV and decides to go for...
-
Job Island
16Career waterfalls sparkling like azure diamonds, cascading into pools of full benefits, all untouched by humanity. Coconut trees, rich with...
-
Wasting Your Time…
18...But not too much. Unless we're talking about New York time, in which case I've got a deadline, lackey.
-
Intervention
119A lot of this goes back to his overprotective mom, who never forgave those camp counselors for setting fire to the child-murdering den he...
-
Hipster Submarine
133silverlake oceanic hyrdoponic organization (soho] captain's log, alexander weezy f drake: after finding out our concept-o-tron technology...
-
The Big Creep
109My ex-wife, may she rot in Yonkers, asked me to never take another case from a two-bit, -faced and-legged hood/dame ever again. It was...
-
Alternative Methods Of Termination
17He never quite fit in with the other kill-bots at murder school, electing instead to spend his kill-lunches throwing the baby carrots his...
-
Wingman
25Let this be a lesson to those of you looking to score tonight: Make sure your wingman hasn't just extricated himself from the wreckage of a...
-
The Longest Yard
14They both lost two pounds with Right Size(c) Makeout Sessions. Now it's your turn!
-
Dancin’
19If you're lucky on a Saturday night in Hollywood, sometimes he'll even be the guest DJ. The crowd goes apeshit for the Becker MegaMix.
-
8 Best Friends
37Barry's got to learn, it's not enough to just pop out a soul patch. You've got to shave it, trim it, keep it clean of food. Otherwise you...
-
The Legend Begins
590He was a pervert and good at his job, but he committed the ultimate sin and testified against other perverts gone bad. Pervs that tried to...
-
Corporate Takebrover
40First order of business: We're tearing up Glencoe's offices below us and turning them into waterslides, bros. I got my boy Kenny C on girl...
-
Lose Weight Feel Great
27on a 2,000-calorie-a-day diet, one serving of Jon "Alexander Aloysious Wiggle-Worm" Worley provides you with 100% of your daily serving of...
-
Tony and Joey: No Class
11If you get your ticket more than a month in advance, "No Class" seating costs even less than "Wanna Get Away With Indecent Exposure" prices.
-
Male Bonding Session
17C'mon broski, just a little bumpski for that rad shitski.
-
Firenzi and Me
23As far as best friends go, Firenzi is a pretty good one. He has a gentle disposition and a terrific sense of humor. But for new-kid-in-town...
-
Life With Louie
16Needless to say, "Family Feud" lost its syndication contract.
-
Death of a Salesdog
52I don't say he's a great dog. Ringo never made a lot of money. His name was never in the paper. He's not the finest character that ever...
-
Douchebag Co-Worker
797He starts abusing his powers of slacker charisma around the time he has ten beers in him, which is usually 9:30 AM.
-
Meltdown
29Some will say he was mad, others will say he was a lost soul. One thing is for sure, Antartica will pretty much be exactly the same.
-
Slamfuckers, Inc
27Call 'em up when you've got a jerk in your life that needs to get slammed. 1-800-SLAMWOW.
-
Dream Girl
19Some conversations you overhear at parties could go one way, and it just puts a smile on your face when it goes the other way.
-
Taste the Rockies
35Also: Functions as a mean onion-blossomer.
-
Bad Fruit
15Talks broke down when the members of Tomato Dawn ordered little helicopters with enough battery charge to get back to the Chiquita plant.
-
Comic-Con: Panel Wars
20When they sold out of Bad Robot figurines and he got shafted out of the Iron Man 2 panel in Hall H, he started getting really surly to...
-
Pop
25Clown parents, sit down and have an honest talk with your kids about excess honking. Or else they might galumph out into that big clown...
-
Chivalry Is Dead
44The past becomes the present once more. And all is "Nope" with the world.
-
Tony and Joey: Lady Troubles
15Haha, very funny guys, that's wonderful, say, it looks like my car's ready, can I just drive it off the premises? Fine, and where exactly is...
-
Japanese Car
26So, when the engine closes its eyes and flashes me a peace sign, does that mean my oil's low, or that I just beat level 5, or what?
-
Another Monday
109Even worse, you have to file every body with a matching TPS report in the back room. Every time. Or the underboss will catch you.
-
Bringing Home the Bacon
117At the end of the day, it's all about who you come home to. Who you spend your nights oinking with. That's what matters.
-
And No Harsh Chemicals!
79Cthulus are standing by. Don't delay!
-
Virtual Frat House
14University of Phoenix's online beer pong: Even less fun than the original.
-
Rinse and Repeat
20The Killmore Pro was tantalizingly half-off at DeathSears.
-
Bottles for Breakfast
41Good source of hemoglobin!
-
Hipster Spaceship
131silverlake aeronautics and space administration (SASA) captain's log, alexander weezy f drake: stardate whatever - set coordinates for...
-
Cute Date Idea #435
26And after this, we can go get some Boba tea, and then catch a screening of "Orphan!" And then we can change the oil in my car! The...
-
Don’t Cross The Streams
88And they've both got a huge business presentation in ten minutes! How on Earth can they sell the Nagatomi Corporation on the new merger if...
-
Regrets
171,000 of your Frequent Flier points go toward a smooth, comfortable post-catastrophe landing when you fly Air Regrets.
-
Carpool Academy
55We'll just stop by the precinct on the way, I left my cell phone charger there. Hey, could you get those cuffs out of the glove compartment?
-
Johnny Quickdeath Celebrates...
35Grab a bag of Lil' Smokies, get out the rubber ducky floaties and drift off into the packed, noisy waters of the town dam, with the...
-
Behind Closed Doors
28Well, this is it. I'm going to go jump off a cliff now. Nothing makes sense anymore.
-
Girl Talk
34Episode 305 - 'Mixed Signals' When Kelsey is mistaken for a famous pop singer, Olivia senses a moneymaking scheme. Kelsey protests, so...
-
Obscure Moments in History II
12Even the greatest of History's men could O.D. on starchy carbohydrates while perusing Hungarian almanacs they can't even read. Surely you...
-
Court Date
36She wound up vaguely blogging about it later on that evening, on her billofrightsjournal. Her mood was "Okay," but her friends could totally...
-
Laser Test
693The Board of Highly Scientific Review & Science, as you can no doubt imagine, went on to publish several papers based on Dr. Firenzi's...
-
Last Anchor Standing
52Hurt. Silence. Pressure. Boiling. Enough. All this and sports, when we return!
-
Just Driven That Way
17His father was an Ford Super Duty, and his mother was a SmartCar that just kind of stood idly by, enabled and didn't do anything about it....
-
Bowzer!
115Bowzer previously signed his owner up for the National Guard, listed him in the local sex offender registry, and artfully directed a runaway...
-
Flashback Special
16And for a little extra, we do free delivery to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries."
-
Throw With Your Child
13Nothing says "You're the greatest joy of my life" quite like joining hands to toss a ticking cartridge of destruction into the back nine at...
-
It Slices! It Dices!
128And that's not all! Pot-bellied pigs are a hassle to clean up after, and can take forever to devour human flesh! But with sulfuric acid, the...
-
Mature Audiences Only
65Sometimes the greatest of adventures happen to the most unlikely of heroes. In theatres everywhere this Fall.
-
Opening Credits Regret
17IMDb > My Girlfriend, the Hobo (1986) > Plot summary When a high-powered real estate agent (Barry Bostwick) finds himself accused of...
-
One Club Monte
12No one's had the heart to tell him that this particular stretch of island grows a special fruit which, when eaten, increases the eye's...
-
Moustache Ride
29An incredibly strange, wonderfully true friendship comes to a terrible end.
-
Guaranteed Distraction
88"Name that tune" brought them together. The rhythm method tore them apart.
-
The Nose Collector
27Peekaboo. You're dead.
-
It Ain’t Shakespeare
21Some glory in seconds, some 5-Second Films Some in their puns, some in their artless force, Some in their websites, though new-fangled ill,...
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The Used Car
125Still better than taking the bus.
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Watch This!!!
103Are you filled with regret that you don't have the fabled attachment to your baby that you were told you'd have? Flip those regrets away!
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The Ransom
28Well, fine then! Suddenly I don't feel so bad about these bills being quite large and totally marked all over!
-
Vinyl Condoms
592Don't just buy the Extended LP version to look cool if it's not the right fit.
-
The Kyle Touch
53In all likelihood, that rag will never get handed to anyone.
-
Home Makeover: Extreme Edition
25Rebecca's entire family died in a horrific grenade accident, followed swiftly by a nasty divorce in which she lost her car, half of her...
-
The Ecstasy of the Lord
774And the Lord spake, "Dudes, just tuck it up under your robes. You seriously haven't figured that out by now?"
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Cool Neighbor
21Last week we threw lit firecrackers into his storm drain. You should've seen Ron, he tried to act so cool! He put his shades on just to come...
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Dr. Von Spider
21Now he's sure to lose funding for his groundbreaking work on flies and their relative yumminess to fleas.
-
Reckless Relative
26What seems to baby the officer, problem?
-
5th Street Blues
84And that Rolex had just 36-48 hours until retirement, too.
-
Keeping You Warm
716Better still, in an energy crisis he lectures you about which lights to turn off so he can continue powering your home with hot, justicey...
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Step One
17The first step is, there is no second step.
-
Collector’s Issue
19Zocko! Sproff! Thrum! Biff! Toffee!
-
Dinner Date
22Oh, I'm sorry sir! I didn't know you were the 2nd lead zombie from "Dawn of the Dead." We can prepare something off-menu for you, if you'd...
-
The Dog Whisperer
683A dog is just like a child. Both respond greatly to traumatic encounters with libidinous, magickal elf men.
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Keeping You Safe
672Unfortunately, shark people weren't banned from entering Britain, and now they've run amok. Just another inconvenience for the Hardest...
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A Soldier Story
44War drove them apart. Fate brought them together. The Sprint (c) Anywhere Anytime Plan (TM) nags them constantly.
-
Play Anything
17To know Sony CF-520 is to love him. Kelsey Gunn is about to love Sony CF-520.
-
My Cousin Spambot
15How are we related, you ask? Well, I HEARD SHE MET HIM ON T A L L M I L L I O N A I R E S.COM. And by "Her," I mean my Aunt, and by "Him" I...
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Tony and Joey: Born a Broad
18Demons with a socket wrench and ill-equipped to deal with the complexities of the English language, Tony and Joey are genuine American...
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Party Girl
32With friends like these, who needs crushing your soul in an organ grinder repeatedly and without mercy?
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Grants!
68Just when you thought terror couldn't get any more adorable.
-
Country Code
77When you other countries start wearing flags on your pants, then we'll talk about code redistribution. Until then, it's just obvious we want...
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Don’t Thinko de Mayo
1009To be totally fair, we also wound up celebrating Halloween, Easter, Boxing Day, Pentecost, All Saint's Day, and various bank holidays in the...
-
Limited Time Offer
47Men have a version of Femhalt, too. It's called filling up on bread at a restaurant and washing it down with soda and milkshakes. And only...
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Prom Date
47See, girls? This is why you should always date college guys in high school. Boys your age are just after one thing. Plus, they smell icky.
-
Stargazers
622Look honey! If you see just past Orion's belt, just a bit west southwest, you can see Nightmarus Major. And look, there's Uncomfortablis...
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Little Ben Visits Grandpa
20The next day Grandpa's wallet was, in fact, gone. He spent about two hours running down PCH in his Depends before the cops brought him back.
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CK: For Me
24It only gets steamier from here, as the Europe-only version includes a bold, daring display of thumb wars and mulletry deemed too intimate...
-
Bankjob
81When their parents heard the news, and identified the bodies, they burst into tears. No one should bury their own perverts.
-
Irresponsible Tio
772The night, as it usually did, ended in a round of 'ludes, a bag of M-80s and a very unfortunate burrito cart.
-
The Break-Up
636She needs to learn that it's not about the type of processed dairy product he pours. It's about whether they have fun pouring together. And...
-
Little Ben Monster Hunter
99Armed with his trusty six-round ratchet-crank revolver, a steel-tipped fedora, and nerve gas-releasing cowboy boots, Little Ben stalked the...
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Natural Selection
78Trust us, you don't want to know why it feels good when you get your back rubbed, either.
-
Unorthodox Procedure
21This isn't in your medical textbooks, ladies. Just grab me a roast beef hero, some of those extra-hot Cheetos and let a master do his work.
-
Live Fast
243Rose Swan and Eddie Dawson met in a malt shop just outside of Tuscaloosa on a Friday night in 1958. This is their story. It is fun.
-
Pappy’s Genuine Texas Bee...
60These bees were netted down by the local middle school's crunch corral picnic benches, smacked around in a clean jar until unconsciously...
-
Little Ben Goes Kite Flying
21The Amko Kites "Flights of Whimsy" series, forged from parachute nylon and enhanced with electrostatic flocking, were canceled due to...
-
The Man On the Hill with the Power
26"Answer the call! ANSWER IT! DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH YOUR JUDGING EYES, I AM THE HILLTOP OMEGA!" -T.M.o.t.H.W.t.P
-
Boss & Simmons Promote the...
56Their first client was a tough nut to crack: How do you make kids want to watch the Travel Channel? But it only took 36 junior Dr. Peppers,...
-
The Easter Everything Changed
34It was then, staring into the face of oblivion, a trickle of blood accenting the face's smirk like an apostrophe, that young Alexander...
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Communication Breakdown
14I don't know what it is that I like about you, but I like it a lot. Won't you let me hold you, let me feel your lovin' beeps?
-
One More Timeshare
93You'd love the mahogany floors. They're about the same color as your face right now.
-
Time Waits For Ricky
28Oh fine, plants die, ocean life inexorably affected, earth plunges into arctic prison, but no - you make sure your hair does that thing you...
-
Life Lesson
29And right after this, Dad comes in and whispers to Junior about the necessity of using Jergens anti-gigantism cream.
-
Savage Times
28Well, sucks to all of our ass-mar, eh guys? This one's gonna be hard to live down.
-
Parking Lot Problems
22Oh, also, Circuit City's bankrupt. I mean, I plundered it! Yaaaar!
-
Self-Checkup
54Well, clearly we can cross "Prostate" off the list here. Are you a "check for testicular cancer" kind of guy, as well? Good, good. Super.
-
The Iceman Cumeth
11To be fair, shame is a useful warming agent as well, so these kids can't really lose either way.
-
Off Button
13Hrm... Curses! Back to the lab! Hmmm... Curses! Kill myself!
-
Axe Legend Ray Dick’s...
11Step One: Wrap your 1974 MGB around a lightpost outside Marks & Spencer. In broad daylight. Step Two: Come clean about your itty-bitty...
-
Playground Showdown
30This town ain't big enough fer the two'f us. Ah hereby chall'nge you to a spellin' bee!
-
Photo Finish
13In my day, people used to gather 'round the old Pied Piper radio ("Hammy," we called it, after the Pied Piper of Hamelin, not the advent of...
-
Doctor-Patient
110This isn't covered by your HMO, by the way.
-
Magic Show Volunteer
924Incidentally, If it was a boy, she'd have named it Kreskin. Now she has no choice but to name it Terrorspawn.
-
Worst Balloon Trip Ever
16The only food they brought for their trip, to top this all off, was a half-eaten bottle of Flinstone's vitamins and a roll of Scotch tape.
-
Sobriety Test
53He's got a lot of drunkies to collar tonight. To streamline the process, he's just going to start lobbing baseballs at passersby and see if...
-
The Green Hit
24There are dental records, voice recordings and taped confessions at the end of that rainbow, too.
-
Social Drinker
14The AA meetings always go longer than planned. Mysteriously, Erik continues to host the meetings entirely in his hat room.
-
Brains!!!
20SERRRRVICCE!! CNNN UHHH GEEETT SUUUMMM SERRRVICCCEE!!!
-
The Oswalds
19On a very special episode of "The Oswalds," Lee Harvey gets blamed for killing the class turtle Johnny when in fact he's just a fall guy....
-
Life of the Party
37There's some Fallout 3 action going on in the basement, if you're into that. Also, we got a bag of animal crackers and some land shark beer...
-
Ninja Roommates
26Also, Bonsai's not gonna water itself. Ted, I'm looking at you when I say that.
-
Hat Party Foul
17It was that whole deck of Bicycle that did it for sure. Who was watching him? No one? You know how Bowler gets when he parties. Think first...
-
Skimboarding Scheme
20He waited 15 years to do this. Fashioned a board from the panels of a sunken skipper. Studied the Fleshlings' movements. And now, the...
-
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
104Get with the times, Dad. It's 2009 PHY (Puny Human Years).
-
A Separate Peace
25Coincidentally, Mike has no idea that the coffee he was drinking in the tree was secretly replaced with Folger's crystals. He spilled it on...
-
Bad Time Boys Ride Again
4Those Bad Time Boys. Always evading Banker Hogg with a well-timed rampless jump and a taunting car horn jingle.
-
Domestic Disturbance
34Gorlac was gonna be cool about it. Wasn't gonna do anything. Ran into his girl's ex at a bar once, didn't care much for him, but it was...
-
Mr. Shirts
715They've got plaid shirts, spiral shirts, shirts that smell like lukewarm pork!
-
Irresponsibler Uncle
27Coincidentally, this is how Uncle Jon learned to swim, in Da Nang. Best not to ask.
-
Parenting.com
14Your one-stop shop for releasing years of torment, psychological abuse as a child, alcoholism, self-loathing, and a long-standing failure to...
-
Irresponsible Uncle
13Motivation, as Uncle Jon will tell you, is only for talented people.
-
The Adventures of Danger Dog and...
18Those who dare trade in evil will tremble before the might of Danger Dog! Also, his testicles.
-
The Reader
17Okay, I didn't see this movie. But I almost saw "The International" last weekend, and both movies have "The" in the title, and Clive Owen...
-
Slumdog Millionaire
655"A buoyant hymn to fleas" says Richard Corliss of Time Magazine.
-
Milk to the Future
33Bigotry and social panic are no match for a flux capacitor and 1.21 jigawatts' worth of plutonium!
-
Benjamin Button 3: Back 2 tha...
11Loved the first one. Can we make him more extreme though, something hip that the kids would be into? See, if an old man's going to be the...
-
Bush / Seacrest
8400 million people were waiting for "The Daily Show" to parody this so they didn't have to watch the whole thing.
-
Secret Admirer
744This 5sf is un-bear-able! (Pounds a glass of Southern Comfort alone)
-
Mommy Knows Best
20Precious memories. Precious alloys.
-
Training Day
26As soon as this becomes an Olympic sport, the only thing standing between him and the gold are the Croatians. Lousy Croatians.
-
Lava Surfin’
17They calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds they were doing something incredibly stupid, and they went ahead anyway.
-
Beach Bully
14He commands utter respect. Let's watch.
-
Coming of Age
754I never did have friends like the ones I did when I was twelve. Gorlac, does anyone?
-
Bad Time Boys
9Oh, those bad time boys. Always finding rampless jumps awkwardly located next to a boy finding out his dog died.
-
To Catch a Predator
21Is it quibbling that Mr. Bucket asked children to put the balls in his "top," and that in fact they would come out of his mouth? I guess...
-
Cloud Watching
9And that 5sf looks like a cloud!
-
Morning After Pill
111Also known as RU-4NOTEVERGETTINGDRUNKAGAIN.
-
Woolthorp v. Pendergrast
3003Incidentally, the source of their duel was over the level of irony in Dante's "Divine Comedy."
-
Turbo Charged
12Turbo was just waiting for his friend to get back from Jamba Juice. It would have been awkward to stand there for five minutes and not help...
-
Casualties of War
650(speechless)
-
Never Have I Ever
21Carlos always loses pretty quick at this game. And when he loses, everyone loses.
-
iPorn
685Approximately 48% of those polled said they were better drivers with porn playing in front of their faces. That wasn't enough to overturn...
-
Paparazzi
11What a scoop!
-
Roommate Tension
23Poor eibboR. His last rent check bounced because he made it out for the month of yaM and now Jeremy is pissed as hell.
-
Never Switch a Switcher
747In fact, don't approach, cajole, molest, disturb or attempt to startle a switcher, either. The best course of action is probably to bow down...
-
The Most Popular Man (President) in...
213,000 problems is more of an understatement than anything. However, laughter probably is the best medicine.
-
The Most Popular Man in the World
64Peep the SG hangin' out the breast pocket. This guy keeps it straight f'real.
-
Asshole
33You know what they say: Ask for a stupid last request...
-
Honky Tonk Amateur Hour
104Chorus: You're a four-legged gas burnin' bitch on wheels I take you in for a tune-up when you wear high heels For a brother-lover-master,...
-
Infidelity
21Their marriage will never be the same. Kinkier, too.
-
Self-Hatred
62Sometimes you don't just hurt the ones you love, you hurt the one you hate.
-
Ghost Stripper
13Yeah, sure she's putting herself through college. Let's all just believe that fantasy.
-
Zanderflex Reloaded
14533Told you his pickup lines work. Everything that happens after, on the other hand...
-
Mike Vs. Coffee
64Mike takes seizing the day a bit literally. Also, see if you can figure out how many people in total are in the background, watching Mike...
-
Elliot Zanderflex
18It's the same location, same pickup line he whips out every Wednesday, and yet it works.
-
Glutton for Punishment
14Please, don't talk to him about Bowie, Springsteen, Ray Charles, The Stones, Guns 'N' Roses or The Talking Heads. Let's keep the discussion...
-
Dream Car
577Chad's just racking up the sales tonight. Must be his tie.
-
Behind the Scenes at 5sf
16An entire minute's worth of gags to be wrung out of dolphin skulls adorned with boater hats, and absolutely no female presence to really...
-
Resolution
25What's worse, he drowned his sorrows in drink just after this fiasco and now he's fighting off alien spiders in 3014.
-
Munny!
32Salvation Army Volunteer vs. Hunchback of Notre Handout in a battle of bell-ringing wits and skill!
-
Coors Extreme Energy Beer
19Yeah, it's like Sparks, but as judged by the medium amount of vomiting that Coors Extreme induces, it clearly tastes better than Sparks.
-
Ho Ho Hustler
13Santa always unwinds this way after the holidays, scamming a few extra bucks so he and the missus can go to Reno for the week. But this time...
-
World’s Best Dad
13Even though he was splayed out in the same position as Dad every morning, the kid still never made the connection. To him, Santa was still...
-
Peace on Earth
13And good laundry detergent towards my mouth.
-
Claus and Susan
109Their torrid affair was brisk, shallow and never meant to be. Kind of like Susan's wax job.
-
The Greatest Gift of All
21To make matters worse, he's partnered with GM on all sleigh models through 2012.
-
Christmas Is Coming
34And the lawn stakes are loose. Stay tuned for Christmas Week, all next week at 5secondfilms.com!
-
Creepy Hug
182Some hugs are creepier than others.
-
Potty Mouth
26Little Winston learned a lesson, all right: The lesson of self-reliance. He will also wind up in jail eventually.
-
Clone Machine Havoc
15Deep down, Adrian couldn't bear to destroy it. He just had to...disable it. Temporarily. Until the situation was rectified. Dammit man, it...
-
There’s No Wrong Way
24Just out of curiosity, if we called this one "BANNED REESE'S COMMERCIAL FROM TEH 90'S" on YouTube, how many people do you think would fall...
-
Strange Meeting
63Mr. Sandoval had to know this day was coming. Otherwise, why come out with the warpaint in his fingertips at all?
-
Night Baseball
14Times were tough during the Great Streetlamp Blackout of 2008.
-
Saucy
837With times being tight and all, it's hard to afford Harvey Fierstein's Select Meat Dinners and Wisecracks. This is the best our bachelor can...
-
Rodney the Rocket Car Meets Greased...
19A treatise on the dangers of high-powered automobiles, and the arrogance of those who drive them.
-
Unrecognized Genius
21Paid for by the Council To Raise Awareness of Canine Brewers.
-
Wranglin’
25Built toon tough.
-
Breaking News
14Man, Pazuzu does some quick copy. Talk about an employee that wants it.
-
The Duck Hunter
26They. Have had. Enough of this.
-
The Internet Takes a Meeting
13They blew their last conference call with Actual Tangible Money Corp by going off on a rant about Naruto and Tarantino. Tomorrow's a...
-
Beer People
23The Solar-Powered Flashlight of alcoholic beverages. Unless you're a vampire, I guess.
-
Masters of the Viewniverse
139This particular slide card never made much sense to him when he was a kid. But it's all coming back to him now.
-
Stuffed
67Frank never really cared for the taste of turkey flesh. Not enough screaming.
-
Flarby’s Secret Weapon
174Just wait til that other family restaurant, Thank Ganondorf It's Friday's, hears about this.
-
Puppy Talk
16We really don't suggest asking the dog if cuteness is even quantifiable.
-
John Wayne Tasty Strikes Again
8One of our nation's most prolific cereal killers is on the loose. Nothing with 8 essential vitamins and minerals is safe.
-
Aggressive Marketing
11134Fired? No. Promoted to Head of Domestic Sales? Yes.
-
Xtrym Thyrzt
33It's just so ill-advised. And pathetically extreme.
-
Secret Shopper
16Devin had no idea we were filming. Maybe he realized it on the ride back to the apartment. When he made us onion rolls.
-
Drunk Triplet Party
15Triplets, how often does this happen when you all get together over a bottle? Inquiring minds want to know.
-
Fight Squad
32Hard to say no to the Squad. They wait all day for this kinda action.
-
Mr. Forgetful
59But he never forgets to be a friend.
-
Boys Can Be Unready Too: A PSA from...
41Everybody, literally every single person on set for this PSA got into a massive orgy seconds after the camera stopped rolling. Needless to...
-
Party Surprise
30This was a strict, no-surprises party and Logan clearly didn't bother to adhere to it.
-
Boarding School
106Unfortunately for Junior, he's getting shipped to St. Understated, Thoughtful Conclusions Academy. Life's gonna be rough.
-
John Pages Alex
19To be honest, John never paged anyone via cell phone before and had no idea what would happen. But he got exactly what he wanted.
-
An Unstoppable Force
15It's that one-in-a-million break-in where a baseball bat proves to be such a highly ineffective method of defense.
-
Ol’ Crazytooth
15He may seem eccentric. But once you get to know him…he's also kind of a douche.
-
End of a Friendship
1Scott pretty much won that one.
-
70 Years Young
2What happens when Scott and Dan get their faces generated.
-
The Oldest Trick in the Stove
10Revenge for the Huge Pizza?
-
Huge Pizza
661No, they've never appreciated it. How do you feel now?
-
Vote Responsibly
126This election is the most important whatever you'll ever have to stuff and junk. Stay researched.
-
The Changeling
116How hard is it to get good, non-interdimensional help these days?
-
Tricked
31Candy-givers, be careful who you provoke on All Hallow's Eve. They may not take too kindly to it.
-
Launch Party
94Our pledge to post a new 5sf every weekday may not fly if we stay tethered to our destructive obsession with strippers.
-
The Last Temptation of 5-Second...
149Apple asked each Insomnia team to use three of a set of elements in their short films, among them Robin Darjeeling, dutch angles, dream...
-
anguish: a film by dalton gaudin
27This is not a five-second film. If you try and argue otherwise, please note that you are part of the cynical, narrow-minded society the...
-
Operation Mistletoe Part Deux
95The thrilling conclusion to Operation Mistletoe.
-
Uncle Chuck’s Stop Sign Trap
21Every Easter, Chuck gets out there and sets up his stop sign trap. And every year, we have to find new holes to bury the bodies in.
-
Friends Are Forever
21Tough break, Fuzzy.
-
Face Stomptacular
69These were the early days of 5sf, when we were content with filming actual sleeping people and then suggesting via editing that Dalton was...
-
A Nation Forever Changed
60Fresh, scathing political humor, hot off the presses and incredibly topical. Just the way we completely hate it.
-
Sgt. Slaughter, Motivational...
13He keeps trying to pull this monologue thing off, and his penchant for brevity keeps getting in the way.
-
Ending to a Bad Teen Romantic...
766It's not hard to tell which one of these we'd go with if we were the producer. Hint: It involves robots.
-
Ass Party
77There's a party in my ass, and everyone's inv…oh, wait.
-
Operation Mistletoe
758A world at crisis. An army facing down defeat. A man who will rise above it all.
-
The Fastest Cancelled Kid’s...
137Just seconds later, they hastily re-ran last week's episode of "Fudgy Dragon and the Knights of Constipary," and after all the phone calls,...
-
Robodog
246There are about 20,000 of these orbiting Mercury right now, doing their best to obey and failing miserably.
-
Morning Read
71Some newspaper readers are more behind the times than others.
-
Bupkes Betrays His Countrymen
16Bupkes thought he could withstand any form of torture and persuasion. Then the Russians brought in "Das Clozer."
-
The Merry Prankster
27It's literally this all day for the Prankster, going from parking garage to parking garage. I'm not sure how he can afford a living.
-
Food Network
21Not surprisingly, it's The Rachel Ray Show. You could pick out the seductive bass tones of her voice anywhere.
-
Bucky Calls the Captain
642Listen Bucky, the Ameriphone is reserved for emergencies.
-
Johnny Quickdeath Goes...
142It was ill-advised to begin with. But Johnny has a track record with this stuff.
-
Floyd’s Truck Show ‘97
677When Floyd faced a life sentence for aiding the mob by fronting a fake soup kitchen charity that was secretly the largest drug-running...
-
Super Important
19A friendship torn asunder by leisure time.
-
Busted Television
23A really important Sharks game was supposed to be on, you see. Don't worry, they choked in the third period anyway.
-
Grouchy Positioning System
785Clearly, some new GPS devices are not romantically attached to the idea of "just getting lost."
-
Porn
19Sometimes you're all alone in the house, you try something new, and you just come up short. Well, not "short." You know what I mean.
-
God the Projectionist
326 billion years of film school for this?
-
Special Delivery
53Exploiting severe nearsightedness is not a joke. I don't know why we made this.
-
Weed
39When you're high on life it's a lot like this, except you're hurtling through an infinitely long shopping mall getting whaled on by the cast...
-
Meeps!
770Don't let them in if you see them. Actually, that won't stop them. Actually, we're all dead. But it's okay, because we'll leave beautiful...
-
Johnny Quickdeath’s Pool...
95Get your trunks on!
-
Magical Sign Adventure
3181Sometimes you get so amped about going on a magical adventure, and you just forget to check what sign you're about to rock.
-
Galactic-ilarious
696In space, no one can hear Jupiter laugh.
-
You Need the Twist-O-Matic
131But that's not all! Sell your scrap gold and we'll cut your weight in half for just 5 minutes with Russell Simmons' pre-paid Rush Card!
-
Great!!!!!!!
36Not a lot of narrative potential there Jason, but super try!
-
Nothing’s On
15500 Channels of Chaucer and Proust? Where do I sign up (to have an assassin take my life)?
-
The Fire Island Players Present:...
141The year after our "Slippery When Wet" entry in the annual 24-hour filmmaking competition at USC ("5 Seconds of Slip"), we stepped it up and...
-
5 Seconds of Slip (Ed Wood 2006)
35"Slippery When Wet" was the line to be used at USC's 2006 Ed Wood Film Festival. With a 24-hour deadline looming (much of which was spent in...
-
The Man Who Knows Everything There...
125And literally nothing about anything else.
-
The Life of Riley
38Ever wanted to know what was going on in your dog's head? No you don't.
-
Windy City Slurpee Run
34For those especially windy times, when you just gotta have that cool refreshing blast of flavor that only a Slurpee can deliver.
-
Telekats, Episode 4 - “The...
590Why, what's this? A most delightful tale of salesmanship, penguins and lemonade? It could only be the work of those rascally, all-powerful...